when i was young
someone asked
    "what superpower do you wish for?"
no hesitation -
i replied
     "invisibility"

i grew up realising
it came true


*/evjs

you can destroy my body and cut my skin
or invade my mind to "make me thin"
but i have gotten stronger,
i have seen the light
no mental disorder
is killing me
tonight


*/evjs

i want to die
for lots of reasons
one of which
is to find happiness
because, well
nothing lasts forever

but
death is forever
and i guess
happiness
will be
too


*/evjs

your black
  may be my white
    your dark
      may be my light
       your ****
         may be my flower
           your sweet
          may be my sour
         your wet
       may be my dry
    your smile
may be my cry


*/evjs

self harm is a misguided concept
where people think that if you don't drag a blade across your skin
that you are not in pain
but they believe that if you choose to do so
that you are seeking for attention
whether you are the holder of the blade or the skin beneath it
you are the wrong no matter what the right
but the symptom from depression is not just cutting and leaving scars
it's about destroying your body whether that's your physical being
or the helpless voice inside your mind

self harm is not just cutting
it's not just leaving a tally of pain across each wrist
or carving insults into your thighs in hopes that no one would see them
self harm is not just opening your skin to release the pain
self harm can be opening your legs to guy who said he loved you
self harm can be extinguishing the flame from your cigarette on you skin
self harm can be intoxicating your mind with fluid or substance
self harm can be pulling strands of your hair from your scalp
self harm can be chewing your nails until you bleed from your fingertips
self harm can be using those fingertips as erasers
to delete the calories you count daily
self harm can be starving your precious body
to count each rib because that's what they say is beauty

but that isn't what defines beauty
whether you have scars on your skin or scars in your mind
whether those scars are stretch marks or harsh words
whether they have healed or are still in that process
you are beautiful

you are beautiful


*/evjs

the    moon
                  may ch
                          ange s
                               hape e
                                  very n
                                    ight bu
                                    t my fe
                                    eling
                                s tow
                           ards y
                    ou ne
will      ver



*/evjs

crash
the walls around me
the floors beneath me
the sky above me
my ribcage with each breath
my heart with each beat

my life without you

crash
no seatbelt
no safety net
no rope holding me;
                                       to you

crash
collapse

my life is now
over


*/evjs

journal entry #1

i'm trapped in a world that is measured with numbers and it feels like i'm a discalculic. it's like i'm running in circles, being chased by the minute hand but no matter how hard i try, the seconds are ticking away and colliding with me every time.


- journal entry #2

i sat on the beach collecting handfuls of sand. the occasional stone rests in my palm as the small grains fall between my fingers. i discard them into the sea and count each wave. for every ten waves, i discover a shell instead of a stone. i don't throw those, though. i count the amount of ridges on each shell. i count the amount of waves before i feel bored. i count the amount of time it takes for the sand to sieve through my fingers.


- journal entry #3

i went out today. i had to leave at a certain time to get the right numbered bus and make sure i had the correct change to get to my destination. i ate three meals, and three snacks. i swallowed after every twenty chews. i spent half an hour measuring every part of my body and i stepped on the scales like i was on a ******* treadmill. these numbers are aggravating me. my breathing increased by fifty percent and i had two panic attacks in the space of six minutes.


- journal entry #4

i ran a bath and shaved my legs but only got one half done before the urges became too strong so i took apart the razor and used one of the three blades to carve one hundred lines in my skin. i shoved seventy four painkillers down my throat with three shots of *****.


- journal entry #5478652546452351516516513216*

i got tired of counting. i got tired of time and numbers and not being able to understand anything any more. i laid on the grass and stared at the sky and just admired the view instead of counting each and every ******* star in the sky. the stars remind me of your eyes. i still know how many days it's been since i last saw those eyes. seventy four. the same amount of painkillers because your eyes **** the pain i have in my soul. the last thing i'll ever count is this breath, which i'm dedicating to you.


/evjs

dance with me in the moonlight
kiss me below the stars
embrace me with your presence
let's create memories
not scars


*/evjs

i have words in my mouth
but i can't seem to speak
i have tears in my eyes
but i can't seem to cry
i have a cigarette in my hand
but i can't seem to smoke
i have alcohol in my glass
but i can't seem to drink
i have fingers down my throat
but i can't seem to purge
i have blades on my skin
but i can't seem to tear
i have pills on my tongue
but i can't seem to swallow
i have suicide on my mind
but i can't seem to commit


*/evjs

i'll tell you my secrets
    you'll tell me a lie
i'll begin to trust you
    you'll sigh
         and say good
                                 b
                                     y
                                         e


*/evjs

crimson whispers
drip from the roots
of the beating sun
let the day be over
she said
as the wind stole
her last
b
    r
        e
            a
                    t
                              h


*/evjs

i used to write poems
about the colour of your eyes
with a stomach full of butterflies

but now i write words
about the voices in my head
and how i wish i was dead


*/evjs

i miss you
like today misses yesterday
like autumn misses summer
like the trees miss the leaves
that f
      a
         l
     l
slowly
drifting
through the days
you are not by my side

i miss you
like you will never believe


*/evjs

not now,
or the end of time,
will i be able to be
free
free from judgement
free from criticism
free from society
and free

from
you

you are denying me the reasons
to move on
to live on

you are holding me with an
i n v i s i b l e grasp

never letting me escape
but for some reason

i don't mind.



*/evjs

autumn leaves
stand in the morning dew
surrounded by the misty breath
of the early birds

who sing their sorrows
whilst the leaves
          the tears
d
     r
   i
          p

from the trees
        the eyes
of nature's creation


*/evjs

life is not perfect
because you believe
you are not perfect

no matter how many times you look into the mirror
and see a beautiful girl staring back at you
those voices
will

creep back and say hello
you're fat
you're ugly
silly pathetic girl
cut deeper

who do you think you are


*/evjs