I think of it as drowning
The water is so thick to the point where it’s not even water anymore
I think of it as being held down
Held down by the things you feel as if you absolutely could not live without them
Things you both hate and love
Things like family

An abusive relationship with pops
Words like bullets being shot at you by mom
But remember
They said they loved you every time
Every smack, whack, every bullet slowly but surely doing its damage
Isn’t that what bullets are supposed to do?

You learned that if you built walls to stand against all the hurt
You wouldn’t feel the damage
You didn’t realize that you only paused the reaction
Slowed down the effect
Like a drunk, you were numbed by the feeling
The feeling of hurt and betrayal
Feelings of being unwanted and unloved

Thirteen years I was put through this
A horror film stuck on replay
But this horror film was nothing like the rest.
There were no ghosts or ghouls, but the real fears
of life
Depression
Death
Unhappiness
Everything you shouldn’t want your baby girl to feel

Dear Daddy,
This is your baby girl.
I’ve only been in this world for a few moments now, and it looks great
With you holding my hand, I feel invincible
I hope this feeling lasts forever.

Dear Daddy,
This is your baby girl.
I’m five years old today and tomorrow mommy says I go to kindergarten
I’m getting bigger and smarter every day
Aren’t you proud of me?

Dear Daddy,
This is your baby girl.
I’m a whole ten years old now
I’m learning about the world, but I think they’ve got it all wrong.
Where’s the pain?
You always said live was never live without pain

Dear Daddy,
It’s me
I’ve been doing some thinking and I think your the one that’s wrong.
You told me love isn’t live without pain but that’s not true
Love is anything but painful
Live is wonderful. It makes you feel joy and excitement and happiness.. loved
Your love leaves me with scars and bruises and pain
Names and words left engraved in the feel crevices of my mind
Memories I cannot escape, no matter how hard I try
Your “love”, I have learned, is not real love
I’m not sure what it is, but it is not love

Dear Dad,
Do you even know I exist?
You left me here and J don’t know what to do
You told me to wait, that soon you would come and get me
That just like before, you’d get your baby girl
Maybe I want to stay here?

Dear Father,
Three years have past and you never came
You never got your baby girl
You ran away and left me here to deal with the memory of your love
Alone.
I guess I’m not your baby girl
I’m no one's baby girl
It turns out you never ready did love me, did you?
You do not have the right to call yourself, my daddy
Dad
Father
Or anything related
You are gone

I guess this is goodbye