Sip this.
Now smoke that.
You are too skinny so eat that
So you can gain
Here are some pills so you can numb the pain
Feel alone as the rest of us feel so we can dance to this song together
Lets forget that this illness kills and while we take these pills
Our soul remains hollow
Our sadness never ends for this perfect body we see
Is not the one the world sees
The image in our mind is to be a lot less than the average
More successful than one human can manage
While burning the flesh filled mistakes
In between blunts from the past
As we sip from the death of tomorrows glass.
Pass the self-pity
Don’t forget the stress the depression
The lost minds of the disordered
The found sorrow of the falling
Sip this
Now smoke that
Now throw up faith and hope
While you suffocate on the control that penetrates
The empty veins that line the bones
Give me the jars of our empty souls
As we write down numbers of scale goals.
Life holds new journeys for people that struggle
But the issue lives within
The city limits that the disorder mind lives in.

As if the weather dictates my emotions I feel sorrow the same way.
As if my life is captured in a raindrop
caught with the wind I too drift away.
I too am cold to the touch and can be unpredictable.
Unstable
and as flowing as maple syrup fresh from the trees.
Frozen fingers clinch broken glass as I try to mirror my past
beyond the crystals that are imprisoned behind this defeated soul. Nothing more peaceful than the rain
because I can imagine things changed,
can imagine my life being a positive thing.
Too bad along with the rain my thoughts will dry up
as the sun shows up and the heat rises.
Look into the horizon
so you can see the beauty I see when the rain dries up
and once again I’m no longer a dream.

Pick a corner,
you’ll find me,
praying to God no one notices me.
Under depression while I passionately hug my obsession.
Contemplating if it’s worth the fight to stay sober through the night. No drugs just me to face the ugly truth of my imperfection,
the flithy reality that I’ll never be in control
of this beast that eats
away at the emptiness while I strive to be thin I mirror the skeleton beneath my skin.
Funny how tight I can hold the truth deep within.
Between lies and smiles
I seem to be recovered
while I’m a functioning addicted to my drug of choice
I would be number one in line if it ment rewinding time
just so I could eat the frist meal I skipped.
Asking myself would this end this trip?
Will never know now because I’m neck deep in this quick sand
with a crowd of friends holding my hand
screaming to me as I fade away into the life I gave away.

Checking out seems easy compared to playing the cards life delt me with.
Take this sip and drink to the sadness im blessed with.
Kiss this **** thinking Im smiling for your kind lies or your rotten slices of "im your friend" pie.
Feed me the truth you choke on or the reality that made you shoot coke to forget.
Give me the lines that your heart cant beat
give me the music your feet cant seem to keep up with.
I want the ***** truth that gives you cavities to speak.
That mud storyline that locks you behind bars of judgement because I can no longet hear that bs the media tries to force into now dead ears.
No fears just through with the emotions that gave you power. face life liar this relationship
is no longer ours. This you and me has been sour no punch line just this I flushed ish like this now how bout you spoon feed yourself that.
Amuse someone with the facts, you tried beating my dreams down with hollow bats.
swallow that and choke on spite for this the last time, I'm over it.

Look at me.
Am I not to feel the pain just because the importance behind my name?
Am I supposed to cry for my feeling belong hidden far beyond my pride?
The public eye pokes at my life as if I'm already dead
Records how many hours I spend in my bed.
My dreams no longer my own I had to pay society to get time alone.
Just moments to blink to realize that I let my thoughts drowned in sorrow
No solid ground to stand upon so my fingers grip the sides of death and life.
WAking up to days unable to keep track of the time for every clock
eyes connect to the hands are far behind the correct amount
Only thing increasing is my bank account.
The dollar signs more than success
their presence are the reasons for her stress.
Unable to understand her life just yet she sinks into the piles of cash
and gives the public a smile as if only expression I can express.
The world can never know I posses a silly emotion like stress.

The compliments gave can sometimes save me
For if this small frame escapes me I'm afraid the habits will return
along with the after binge burn.
Think of any sin you've committed times that guilt by
24 hours
7 days a week
365 days in a year
for 13 years
I allowed these words never to reach inquiring ears
Not because of the judgement but more for my own selfish fears.
If I shared my secret of staying thin while they watch the pounds of food I put in
I might not be the smallest in the pack
I can't say I'm ready to handle that.
I'm used to hearing how thin and cut
i never again want to feel the pain of being the girl that's over weight
So I cause pain just so I can stay in a size three I never want a size five to perfectly fit me.
My poetry bleeds my story of resent but no one can figure my addiction
Too skilled to show that the reason I'm small could be the reason I die.
Between burgers and fries I imagine that perfect size and the way my thighs never meet,
and I think about the girls who want to be skinny just like me.
I can't remember when it all began I just can recall I miss the feeling of escaping from the world for a second of peace.
For split seconds no one is there but food and me and the anger is released
My relationship with "ANA" is beginning to end but some nights I have to pray harder than others
so she wont come strolling back in my life.
She brought me years of tears and lonely nights
But the poetry she gifted me seems worth the fights.
I didn't say goodbye to her for if we speak she will get her anorexic fingers back around me
so tight I cannot breathe, so tight I cannot eat the perfect way to fall victim to her game
I pray everyday that the habits will change one day.
I pray for my existence and a sane mind for if I give her one second of my time
I don't think I'll make it out alive.

Poetry and my life went hand in hand for years.
Broke bread together and shed a few tears
Held meetings on how my feelings melted at the sight of change.
Even thought out strategies to ease me into things.
Funny how they connected yet somehow were totally different
Crazy how they needed one another to speak
while I sat clueless to how I needed them just to be me.
Judge me for the simple things and scold me for the complex
I don't need you around to know that my life is compacted with stress
yet I wouldn't, couldn't exist without all the small worries
For if life was free from challenges I would forget how happiness felt.
If there were no storms to rain on my parades I wouldn't be as thankful
As I am today.
Thankful I'm alive
Give the glory to Him
Without His vision I wouldn't strive to mirror the love He gave me
Wonder were I'd stand if God hadn't held my hand.