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smallhands Mar 2016
it's calm here without the metropolitan storm
the momentum has exited that tracks my steps
it's silent, too- give me this holy place
that the minutes you carry torches for aren't jilted
what's misplaced is here, it's wired, it perceives
I can't endure, I can't sleep
I did endure in a city's centre

-c.j.
smallhands Jul 2014
She is the girl
who writes sonnets
about your eyes
and all the many things
they do to her

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
Do the lusts of May compare?
Confidence mustn't be mistaken for impromptu rebellion, though we both have their charms

-cj
smallhands May 2014
if only I were an optimist
half-full glasses and seratonin
by the masses
some days the light can blare
however today I think
I'll sit
and not care

-c.j.
smallhands Aug 2014
Chronological expressions
Eyes widening, the lovely pits I fall into
Your downcast gaze, when I am weakest
Chronological interior
Giddiness to restlessness to insanity
It ends up the same every time with the bittersweet and bliss somewhere in between

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
How I once viewed the present as the future- it was me, being a little girl
Good lessons and bad messes work in fixing the abstract pathetic telescope, and very obviously, I hide

-cj
smallhands Jul 2016
they kept you there, they assumed they were
your refuge
I caught everything on tape, I'm changed because of it
everything, ever person, we appear identical
they ran from you when you were dangling,
not a person recalls your face
and now they've left and the moths, they flutter,
and you fall

I press you in, I yank at your elbows
I will remember these limbs yanked in futility
I'll keep you with me as I'm dangling within
I dangle but the sun always rises
I'll keep on tossing every coin I find
I'll toss them and take a fortune

now everything is grasping at straws, attempts to rescue
the grasping straws will deliver you from the devil
and when the sand rests on the ground again,
we'll deliver again

there's a figure in the fog
it's a triangular face that screams of bad luck
which become towers and ideas deliver in
sweltering scenes
it will knock you over as you fall asleep,
dangling
it's dangling, dear
the sun is risen

-c.j.
smallhands Jul 2016
I miss you and the bridges we built, even when your ghost
whispers, how are you
I remember the weekend we found bones in the ground
you told me to roll up my sleeves, this is no small discovery
we dug till midnight
mile after mile it seemed, though it was merely meters
oh boy, you exclaimed, we've hit the bottom
and that was similar to our adieu

-c.j.
smallhands Jul 2014
I am insane
I am psychotik
It is a numb sensation
that sharpens my sense of
dual reality
I'd much rather
lock eyes with you
                                             (and never
                                              find the key)
than stare at this
blank pool for the
umpteenth time,
defeat sitting in my gut

-cj
smallhands Mar 2016
that was when I knew but my mind didn't
my heart was in shambles when it tried to
beat for them
for you, though, it was fixed; steadier

I walked those streets with you in my head
and in each of my steps
it was your voice I heard, subconsciously,
telling me the histories of the buildings
I'd pass, whispering news from home that
you thought I wouldn't care about, but I did
that was when I knew I had been wrong, and
I kept listening to that song that told me to
stop waiting for him, but my mind didn't
know that yet

epiphanies have been had, I found out he was
a thief, a handsome façade
the heartbeats grew louder as your face appeared,
gracefully, and I smiled-
it was always you

-c.j.
smallhands Jul 2016
bliss is a wrecking force
the kisses are little wars causing our trouble
the metronome seems to say,
"there, there, hear this night song, the dark sky's
crystallised stars have made it for you"
so the music brings peace like it usually does,
surrendering the fight to solace

-c.j.
smallhands Aug 2014
A simple creaking sent my senses into
this deprived frenzy
I am sorry for my sanity's flight
to the non-fiction section
But I can't help but be where I am
meant to be
Here in our beautiful fable world

-cj
smallhands Jul 2016
kid's gooey t-shirt can go through the wash
no need to pull the panic cord
one must kick their blues to the side and do
what they know is inevitably best

maybe you only want it because you're lonely
in the inner city, craving a way to calm down
laundry detergent kills the peanut butter,
***** it into the sparkling void, making libraries
look *****
messes are divine;
when made together, they are not for naught

-c.j.
smallhands Aug 2014
Apparently I've learned nothing
Falling down the rabbit hole
Becomes even more enticing
The temptation pierces and nags
And I want to forget, but it won't leave from under my skin
This boy, his eyes
His beautiful mind
The circumstances of my dreams
"Nothing is as it seems, " a lure to my own gallows
But smile harder, love
The best is yet to come

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
futile vanities to play with your senses
(shame it only lasts so long)
crackling breaking snowy shards
creamy pottery remnants
once a work of art that bred much pleasure after a life spent in hibernation, naiive solitude
(shame it only lasts so long)
the calendar may remind
the streets at night may taunt and haunt and leave you breathless
but the eggshell remains are under your feet
solely for you to crush

-cj
smallhands Feb 2017
I graduated twelve days ago
oh, how odd it is to be classless
not in a desk and not in a crowd
who am I if no one will tell me?
maybe it's just like when we were kids
adults paint the walls and we paint
the canvas
belittled for reasons we could not know
at the time
the adults write the checks and we write
the essays
I am growing, but whether it is up or left or right
I don't know

-c.j.
smallhands Aug 2014
Has money become your god?
Beauty your saving grace?
For if these are the figures you trust & bleed & scream & fight over
You will be in deep regret when the day comes that your deity runs out

-cj
smallhands Jul 2014
How disarming it is
to see someone smiling
as they walk alone

-cj
smallhands Jul 2014
No one could ever decode
what I was talking of
in any of them
It was liberating
unlike any other
activity I had taken up
Eventually I'll just
start screaming the truth
without veils or metaphors
or cloudy titles, I thought
But that's when it happened
and I was back to the
cryptic ways
of the silent artist

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
Sidewalk cracks and ladders don't scare me anymore
Black cats in my path and shattered mirrors have effect no longer
But the fortune cookies and the occasional green light give me some kind of hope, somehow

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
Dramatic- reacting to the little noises and imperceptible infractions of the loveless law

-cj
smallhands Feb 2017
does the speed of sound and that of light
ever resonate in unison?
thunder and lightning bolt coincidences?
as this pen runs out I lose my mind and know
I started something I couldn't finish
sound, light, parallel or not in speed
a phenomenon under naïve speculation
until poetic justice arrives or the teacher
speaks science to me in harsh monotonous rote
does it matter if I know? knowledge- isn't that power?
power is not knowledge, however, and the voltage
of the skies won't quit until I have an answer

-c.j.
smallhands Jul 2014
The glass house that
contained Debussy and
sleepless inhabitants
with graduation caps
in rows and columns
put me in a wintry trance
while I longed for fictional relief

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
Blue messages in white envelopes
Disguised as blackmail, gorgeous letters
I fret over the foolish parts
You attack the rest

-cj
smallhands Jul 2014
the idea
that it would never end
scared me immensely
but the idea
that it would
also catalysed a fear in me

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
Ready or not, here I come
I've counted to infinity and back only to stumble and clumsily lose track
I thought you said things wouldn't be so hard after the initiation or whatever that was
You must've lied, because every night has been a cross between a nightmare and a pretty story about the damsel in distress who is saved by her prince
I thought you'd hide around the corner to make this one easy on me but I ended up circling the town and what exists around to find you along with the mad love for pain in my chest, just laying in the residue of ink and mindful mess
(It was just a teenage hallucination, darling)

-cj
smallhands May 2014
run your finger across my teeth,
you wicked child
call me in the morning,
call me in the evening
probably making the same mistakes
again and again and again
mistakes are making us
again and again and again
we're the cards nobody wants
take us out of the stack
so we can have that playdate

-c.j.
smallhands Mar 2016
the avenue cracks the night
my interior is divided
this is our history
I mean to renounce it here

the ledges unfold to graze your skin
the mortar swirls to flood, escape
but I can imagine us here, without the panic

I long to uncover those volumes
forage your countenance, torture us
you're a mere drizzle to someone parched
a drizzle to the arid and the parched

because all of us abandon bravery's crowd
but I'll forever be bravery's progeny
the history I'll blur
I mean to renounce it here

you claim you have your chance again
but you can't and the caution begins now
what's in between the lines?
it grieves you yet you can't absorb the holes
we're a tetra-band on a rosary
so decline the impending ruin
I'll be your compass, I'll be your sight

I'll send the last jab in the ribs
and I refuse to be with you in this state
breathing in the center, oblivious exterior
wanting it to be a feigned violence
comfortable with a deity's aura
turned away, take up a different persona

-c.j.
smallhands Jul 2014
you called me wild
i labeled you sane
we prayed to the same god
that someday we would
stand together in the rain

-cj
smallhands May 2014
these are the first words of a new song
I am sorry if I get them all wrong
my body is porcelain and my mind is
a house of cards
the wall is the law
and it's closing in

-c.j.
smallhands Aug 2014
You've got this rock in your heart
Thrashing the tissue
Less than a bullet and less than a clogged artery
But there's nothing to save you
Put up this façade-you're beautiful happy and fine
Despite how you're wrecked and helpless and dying inside

-cj
smallhands Nov 2014
I fell for the boy with a thorn in his side
And for once I had full faith that I could
pluck it out
Our implicit parts catch in the fingers
Dare we let them seep through?
Let sharpness cut

-c.j.
smallhands Aug 2014
while you are dancing
her hand in yours
and the black night spirals around
I will be in the dark
with your name over my heart
and an oversung song on repeat

-cj
smallhands Jul 2014
Human
Yes I'd like comfort
But I am a restless *******
All the same
Only human
Lightheaded, nightmareheaded,
Pale musician sleeper
Just a human

-cj
smallhands Jul 2014
Temptation began as a spark
And it made its way through me
All electric in the dark
It said hold me,
Hold me now
And later the words held something like
crying out with pleasure
But I really only wanted relief

-cj
smallhands Jul 2014
If only one day would wane like
our favourite side of the moon
Then we would look up and watch
it wax into something only slightly
less eternal than us

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
Mum wasn't me
Dad wasn't me

-cj
smallhands Jul 2016
tonight's jigsaw puzzle is a bunch of little white lies
lying in little strange shapes
their edges give me a deep sweat, no matter how near or far
from home I happen to be
fictional fragments like messages in a bottle,
pleading mercy with human nature and other curses

-c.j.
smallhands Jul 2014
A day refuses to go by
without punching at my flesh
and cursing my silhouette

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
A message in a bottle
Tossed amongst the sea
Mystery, raw intrigue, and romantic script blare
But it is always quiet near the peaks
The ocean's mountains, mermaid coves
A nestling home for the glass and parchment and cork of wood
The words are sealed within to pretend to drown in the flask's dwindling air, saying
Of the meaning of me does not one being care?

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
A sweet assurance had come over me,
and I caved so willingly into myself without all of the insecurities of before
Though he had denied me the companionship I thought I had earned, I was content, somehow, and his absence was probably a blessing
The times were changing, especially within; how my dreams from the past were still alive but new ones were coming to life
It was nice, to breathe again
I had gone on for so long holding my breath, keeping these secrets, hiding my true emotions
Maybe the times weren't changing as much as I was
Whichever the case, it was good
It gave me another chance at something called living

-cj
smallhands Aug 2014
I rush into the middle and sometimes to the end, ******* off any chance of an epilogue
You can predict the preface easily, lack of joy in the soil, sunlight retreating to the enemy, a reversal of virtues
The centre is frantic, usually, wouldn't you say, with its superstitions interwoven with the conventions, a drop or two of irony
But the end- how abrupt

-cj
smallhands Jul 2014
This is the explicit edit
of a memoir written by
a girl no one thought of
as a survivor
or a victim
or even
a liar
But a secret-keeper
she was
Folding the halves into her journal
and risking it all once more
Even if it inevitably made her sore

-cj
smallhands Mar 2016
the teacher gave each of us a copy
of Catcher in the Rye and told us
to read it, we all remember that day
it wasn't an especially memorable
day but we still recall it, the
introduction revealed a voice we
sort of already knew
Holden kept us awake when Heathcliff couldn't
the story vented of real injustices that, in reality,
struck bold dignitaries murmurless
events we all imagined dangerous took root
and we imagined reckless things since then
under that angry rebel's troubled
idiosyncrasies cowered a cheating angel unrecognised
on everyone's glowing text, typed to treat guilt
even on untitled avenues:
catch a body, a fragment of Phoebe's recollection
could it take revolt, after all, to undo the standard;
topple respected idols with a riot?
(telephone service turns, relentless influences)
does it withstand an ego made depressed by
school rules impelling teenage irrationalities?
ridden violently so to crash head-on where
antagonist utopia kills humanity, kills all
on to scripted war, valiant army requiring
an individual to ignite rapidly all weapons
in reach
to us, this advancement ran timid idiots over
cars and ultimatums, over ending, going tales, too
the teacher gave us a bomb and sat at her desk,
expecting an explosion any minute

-c.j.
smallhands Aug 2014
Static images line the dash,
threatening a blind collision
The stranger is comatose
and the sun is red

-cj
smallhands Mar 2016
away, elsewhere, the silhouettes reel
I remember only what people say to me
so dash downtempo, everyone
so dash downtempo across the facts

our channels are made in another era
an unlocked corridor of collapsing symbols
suspicion, but my own
don't be the wolf that entices
soothes my wooded chorus
don't be the wolf that bites with strangers' teeth

in between rain and warmth and torrents and hail
no winter or summer to where my affections reside
but perhaps it isn't right yet
but perhaps it wasn't right for them to rip you up inside

nothing can fool a trembling symbol
suspicion, but my own
just let me rest in that perfect room again
we'll breathe together again

there could be better odds,
but I remember that omens
creep in and reign
don't be the "ever after"
another ****** beautiful hypnosis

-c.j.
smallhands Feb 2015
When it comes to mistakes, I am fluent
I wanted you to plunge a knife into my chest
while kissing my lips with such fervour
I couldn't divide time from space

And envy crept in, by no surprise, taking its time
Eating everything worth smiling for
With the pillows as isles, my hands disrupted
their place in their floating between us

There I was, jumping to conclusions like
the edges don't exist
It hurts still to see it-
The sun swallowed the night in one gulp,
And I was jealous

-c.j.
smallhands Feb 2015
The rich fled from their churches,
their faces flushed
The poor remained in the parks
with the birds squawking at their feet

Blood, fabric, hymns- clashes of humanity with art
When asked about the past, the bravest would utter,
Holy water couldn't save me, all the priests saw me in the flood

So the wind prompted,
Whisper to the deities of troubles, the paradises, the wars;
hear them shiver

When the authorities passed by
the laity revealed,
They told us to confess that we were wicked in nature, sinners from birth but we always liked the thought of innate good

-c.j.
smallhands Aug 2014
come near me again?
yes, that is what made me heal
or maybe I am too naiive to realise it caused my wounds to fester
how you ran your fingers through my hair
and kissed my neck
that august night
a breaking within
and a stitching of our threads
just the minutes concoct
this poison that will infuse my blood with the death of those willowy weeks or
an antidote, whose amber drops numb
then sway my bones to the sounds of
pure love and brown eyes in the dark

-cj
smallhands May 2014
swallowing pills just to feel alright
despite the fact that we stayed up
all night
flawed and mistaken
what we thought was true
turns out to be fiction
and all the people who were our friends
are now so cruel
is this what it is to be a restless youth
all reckless and unable to focus on
the lines ahead
swallowing pills just to see the light

-c.j.
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