All of this in one mind plus thousands of other cares penetrating me and I lay in bed, but the tears won't come-
I'm too empty
They come eventually
The will to live has undeniably left me

-cj

I am alone
You are in between your comrades
We are something
I am sad
You are laughing at a dry joke
We are something
I am dying
You are jumping
We are something
I am something dead, babe
You are just beginning to live
We are estranged but
We are something

-cj

Freezing cells into place
Carved-out space
Most of the possessors are
****** queens
with unseeable crowns
and tethered gowns
The particles assemble, dissemble
And in their midst
Oh, how I tremble

-cj

once we reach our destination
we should talk about what we want
the hotel life always suited me
the walls held ghosts,
never empty
clinging to your arm as
my voice goes viral
each little mind knows it
like a cryptic song
surely that's not where it should belong
all over, pandemic, it's spreading
my voice is going viral
no secrets anymore

-c.j.

as yellow metabolises to red,
I speed underneath it,
thinking,
intuition's dead

colour-confused yesterday, colour-wise, now
novel concepts you can dip naked in tea
if until slowness illness reigns,
the missing yield sign assumes power
green lights we have yet to prepare for

-c.j.

Perhaps I have gotten too comfortable
and I imposed this curse upon myself
I truly am an accelerating *******
It is no surprise that the good and
bad have blended
into a formula
I incessantly choke on

-cj

I want what the renowned writers brag of
The sleeplessness, pacing, but it's there, it's been there all along, it's just breaking out of its host
Eyes rest on the bruiselike crescents beneath them
It's the life that the story is stealing from its teller
But the death never comes in full, because that's when the end happens and feeds relief to the writer's veins

-cj

when you feel insane
and chilled to the bone
in a bed only becoming familiar
the windows glare and your eyes stare
into mirrors made for someone else's gaze
ghosts, hearts, little numbers
and vivid hotel sheets
they were the beginning of the end
and i loved it

-cj

About certain metaphors my senses become leaky
Can you hear me trickle
With these phrases my limbs tremble like awkward syllable dances
Night is especially prone to this phenomenon, morning is clueless
Friends don't know so empathy is dry
Care to listen to ramblings of the dead come alive, print on a page
Even if I'm denied of that, they never could make me feel less than every feeling compounded

-cj

parachutes and pens, bowler hats and belts
these are our symbols, watch them mean
mysterious to whomever spies on us
ambiguous; to bring analyses hundredfold
breeds pathetick arguments pertaining to
precious, altogether perfect, brimming
hands and books
light and weight, lay and wait
these are our metaphors, see their wavelengths
a weapon, a curse, a turning of the tables
and how utterly beautiful is it that no one
will ever understand them

-c.j.

would you spare her the tears? (you drank too much)
what would she think? (you disappeared too much)
what would she write? (you said too much)

-c.j.

I suppose this weak art is the
part I don't choose to ignore
It kind of wakes me up
It's like purple chairs in the old greentree house with the red shutters
It's my days jumbled in sequence
Like these dreams align from
a long long time before
I have time
I have to have more time
to do what the clock strikes within me

-cj

When youth widens in greeting,
the only thing to do is shy away
to the hushed corners to avoid the petrifying ache
Yes, it's lonely, and it's cold, and there is no hint of anything like hope, but the shapes are comforting, in their reliable geometric beauty
After all, this was fleeing the wrong figure, to achieve the right
The solemn, purer, incandescent one
This is why terror is a small sacrifice

-cj

He calculates, she commiserates
He walks to the car, she muses over the stars
And like clockwork
They miss and find and remember
Kiss and rewind and hear the thunder all in each other's minds without trying

-cj

In fading blue you told me,
"as the clock ticks slow, my heart slowly flares,
knowing that I'm in here, and you might not
be there"
Now we rest in beige and cream,
as I remind you that "any fight is
a spark of life"

-c.j.

welcome to april,
where the girls try steal your man
and you want to purge all you can

-cj

hallowed and punctured
misshapen and desert dry
gambling for smiles wry

-cj

You're too old to be so shy
yet too young to know love
in its ice capes
and moss peaks
wanting
longing
short years full
of endless months
just wondering
when the good
will begin
and put me in a trance
that I refuse
to be shaken out of

-cj

Converging into one line
and the concept of fairness
mingles with the immature tendencies
above it all
I am divergent
I drift
and I am singly afloat
I jump from skyscrapers to survive
landing in that same spidery net
that I think saves me each time
I descend through the cruel air
Dauntless-
What am I
Did I spill my blood for this

-cj

I want to spraypaint every chorus,
every note
every breath
There isn't room
Instead I embellish my mind's
synapses with them
and it keeps me alive
a little longer

-cj

Trying to be brave
collecting these crystals
of nerve to act
with pure adrenaline
twisting my lungs into braids
and when you are
loosened, laughter cycles out
a tension in the knees,
followed by weakness
maps couldn't lead me to you,
but my core knows where
you are, an intuition I
swallow with ice cold water
attempts to defy fear
that fuses within
sputter into the rain you
drive in,
a wasted blue hot firelight
at least I tried

-cj

Mum was good
Dad was not bad

-cj

We sang in the garage in the afternoons
It didn't matter whether it was Monday or a bank holiday
We liked returning to the pieces of home and music that didn't reject us

-cj

enough damage has been done
send our condolences to yonder sun
its yellow mask to beaches bask
killing purity as it stains and sinks down in
so hard to love but impossible to despise,
this overbearing sphere of flame
dismiss us to the caves and underground places, tis unright to see all the faces
that tilt up to gaze but turn sideways, a myth of blindness intercedes
ingrates people children users misers lovers keepers sleepers
(oh, grey skies, will the sun die with us?)

-cj

thirst hunger sleep wake breath
lips hands legs an entire stadium of masters
drink eat lay open inhale
kiss hold walk and never stop

-cj

Those whose colour is fierce & ripe, with life life alive & loud its petals boast while the subtle dark blooms of the midnight garden speak of the slutty shades of its beholder's eyes

-cj

absence of fear and hunger,
replaced by the need for time and blundered veins
create this enigma, destroyed by thinking it over
it's a bomb, vulnerable to detailed thought
how to escape
is simple-
love the pieces it has
and forget the ones it lacks

-cj

if white truths and lies
were to cover our tracks
perhaps i would not care
to look back
the snow melted as the sun shone
for some reason
it reminded me of home
in that disastrous,
orange peeling way

-cj

this is my anthem of negative three
beneath the frosty pine
it is buried, underneath the tree
beware of the blizzard approaching you
seek the candles in the dark
I meant to make my mark
so you are lead to me again
is this real?
my longing and faith in august are still breathing
winds make this north, then south
but you're coming from the west and I'm coming from the east so we'll meet halfway
I'll define and rekindle this fire
and its smoke will guide you
back to me
is this real?
this is my anthem of negative three
buried beneath the pine tree
the ice covers it like
mittens on your hands
the hands that hold mine so tight

-cj

the wolf is the law
the symbol of attraction
of magnets, of
everything combined in madness

-cj

does waking down hallways ever seem like a sob story waiting to happen?
too often their eyes divert to dusty corners
lights shine a little too bright
and the ominous "not" knots in all vessels,
each and every one
it's as if the slices of misery were incorporated into the rainwater and scratchy stereo in the vicinity of the heart, bleeding out

-cj

you quarantined us
we'll be released soon
and hand you a single moment
the genius of the era

the villain who hinders
we'll be released soon
and destroy your methods
you draw a grin from the start
your palms become blades anew

drafts, unparalleled
you chase the sequence
and colour it yourself
simultaneous fortunes
simultaneous establishments
when nothing is simple
only the sharpest remain

this is how it happened
but these are our treasures to seize
what resulted from civility, from justice
nothing reveals another "else"

-c.j.

I can remember the part
of the night
that was more grey
than the others
I cry as the question
is the only thing
I can see
and the "neutral" song
winds in my ears
and out of my soul,
lingering there
to touch my salt tears

-cj

In my dreams
we are much closer
and you are not as distant
In my dreams
we touch and it is a kind of
magic I enjoy
And waking is what I dread
the most, because
In my dreams
you are not who you are
in the daytime

-cj

We had all the same friends
as children do
Cookie-cutter neighbourhoodish suburbia
Green grass glinting from the lawn
Shivering dew in the dawn
Thank yous and you're welcomes
And merry christmas
And a happy new year
Echoed throughout the decade
When we grew up, or grew out
of what we were
The years never really seemed
all that happy or new
But looking back on them
We say they were our favourite times
When innocence wasn't wrong
When we could play and work
and only see slight differences
When there was something to live for
Back when we all had the same friends
Same beginnings, but different ends

-cj

You lock your desire inside and
I hate how you do that
I know you see me, and
you have for the past seven months
Now why must we be
separate as isles in the sea?
You remember how I told you
what you were to me
Blissful time passes and
We do as well
How I yearn for the moment you
lift the rusty metal off your door
to let me in

-cj

Lust is thick in the air
once again
A summeresque temptation
builds like an intimidating tower
You've laid the foundation,
never thinking it would
amount to anything
Vicious desire eats at your heart
as you step forward
I warned you with my tired gaze
But like every other time
You were stuck
in your frivolous haze
Your virtue in my hands
I think I've held it
for the past few years
for the both of us
Or so you wish

-cj

I'd walk around the neighbourhood alone like I was out of reasons to stay inside
The night never shunned me, and we became great friends
As I'd stare up at the pearly moon
and dark blue universe
and wonder how this has happened
in this strangely beautiful way
Concepts batter my heart and
mar my chest, and
inevitably, I cry
And when I get back to the house I sleep in
Wipe the tears out of my face
and open the door
to close it on the nocturne

-cj

He says hello to old friends
When she sees him
She swears she has the bends
He whispers
And her heart drops for a second
How beautiful,
They both think
As she runs her fingers through her hair
He pictures his threading softly through
Among other things
And above their consciences
The wilder laws
Come onto the scene

-cj

I dreamt of dissonance
Chords perfection could not match
I slept in the contradicting harmony of it
Playing the same keys over to make sure
it wasn't sheer luck
that began the vivid melody
in my brain and through my body
I dreamt of dissonance
And now I hope to forever

-cj

Hopeless virgins curl on the edges of the centre
of what all the talk is about
How vain it seemed to be sinful
and get away with it
But how lifeless it is to live
without shocks and sparks

-cj

I am blind
Not the blackened eyes
Hollowed out with a spoon
The worse kind
Seeing each angle
in the street's shadows
and the hesitations
in the walls
Frantically searching
for something to feel
Or whatever once
enlightened me
But those mercies have died
and like the young teeth through which
I've sadly lied
The light, the candle, the dripping wax
Solemnly blend into my oblivion

-cj

But I tried, I tried so hard, and for nothing
Cheap, wasted, no returns
Not even a pretty little compensation
What did I expect
Your head was full of air when mine was abuzz with dictionaries

-cj

It's hard keeping secrets from you
But I am too sad to tell you,
right now at least
I'm scared how you'd react
and I don't want things to change
I want to freeze everything
Make it stay still for a little while
Though the delusions in my head
will continue to multiply

-cj

This instruction manual is
a recipe book for disaster
But we all crave a little excitement,
I suppose
So involve your eyes with
the cramped story's pages
If only to see how this world within works

-cj

Stealing minutes from the hour to
summon some vain power
The fan blew, and mother knew
The facts were sad and blatant
Stay here, avoid the temptation
Resist it with every atom of your being
I am a skinny thief
Collecting weekends just to feel relief

-cj

Don't communicate
You really should see that
it's too late
Don't look for me
You deserve to
gaze at the one
who cares
Don't remind me
of the past
You can't be that slow
only to become so fast
Don't worry
You have bigger matters at hand
beside my masochistic quicksand
Don't talk
Can't you realise
You shut up and throw the key
from out of the lock
into the sea
I said would love us more
if we would stop wishing with coins
and living on dollar dreams

-cj

I'm split in two
I'm half happy
and half blue

-cj

little miss no-one
where did you go
under the stairs
like a sad novel
the family is
at the table
forks in hand
ready to indulge
while you
wish the
desire
away

-cj

Love was either cheap or too expensive
and I didn't want an excuse nor a luxury
Just something real

-cj