thank heavens I realised he can't treat me that way
what kind of man tells you of his infatuation,
gets separated from you, reunites with you,
then exerts his energy to secret affairs, the kind
that set you beside another woman and allows
people to shine flashlights into your eyes?
what kind of twisted love story is that?
not mine, no, not mine

-c.j.

once, my mum and dad told me to stop writing
writing is not something to stop, or cause to be discontinued, it still happens, whether or not the hands are working
apologies for rebellion are futile, since words and meaning circle me, leaving no reason to preserve the lack

it only stops when you're dead
and then, it speeds up

-c.j.

She's pale and thoroughly a briarsome beauty, what with her hazeling eyes that blush.
And if there is logic laced in love,
I am a lesbian for her.
Violin case is a silhouette,
body against brick wall.
Waiting.
Something we have in common.
Her skin looks soft, I muse
and her hair smells sweet,
But separate as isles in the sea
we remain.
Logic shatters;
That vain mirror.

-cj

I pull your arm and drag you
into the lone corner
where none can see us
what is the matter
is it something I've done
neither the former nor the latter
there's another who replaces me
and when I try to describe what I feel
all possible witnesses are rescued
from such a raw opening of my darker side

-c.j.

taunt them with your ***** lips
kiss the calendar, each day will
taste your sheerness
sweet and wanting, alone in the room
tempting
let the tongues do the talking

-c.j.

He asks
what do you mean
and I say
I don't know
I'm a poet

-cj

Maybe I fell for the man in your letters
The artist in denial
Perhaps the east mesmerised me further
and the greyer things snapped me back
Deceit is an art, too, you know
and you cannot practise it on me
Let the liquor lay in past places, so you
can become the man, not just his traces

-c.j.

surely these fallacies were borne from little freshman philosophy
from a petite ballet-image copy machine
old was the notion that freedom came from satisfaction
the new age, the breakthrough:
to suffer is to live

-cj

December shifted me
Of all the aspects to change
My dignity remains existent, however feeble
January was the enemy, the one who fought ***** in disguise
Patterns composed of days and weeks, but
moments more vivid than time itself
Unseen, unheard, untasted yet experienced
nonetheless
Only two months from two different years
have we been entangled
Two months, nine weeks
Confused hours of some number, too
broken to count
"all you need is love" once rang so true
Fake is a name that I cannot slap on it
A slap, in the face
Leave behind red stripes
Even so in the past
The stripes, similar to a rainbow's,
colourless after shining the shades of
childhood toys
Trumpets sound happy
But "you're in my veins" resulted in heavy
tears, "every teardrop is a waterfall" screamed through the sleeves of the thick
shirt hung on shoulders weighed down
"apathy" is the answer given, perhaps taken, too blurred glassy eyes whose
brainwaves behind work in overdrive, or
was it just the incident, coinciding?

-cj

Can't believe the time has come to give the sun a long-awaited goodbye
Glints as lovely as her telling guilty truths,
Calmer habits to tame

-cj

say you need me like lepers need miracles
like houses need foundations
say you could not live without me here,
brushing your hair out of your eyes, telling you
a song I love or a stupid joke I make up
because I know I need you, for life
I will be your miracle worker and solid ground
just tell me that you want me to

-c.j.

Brushing up against me, except
a caress isn't as welcome as a whisper

Dragging prehistoric pills into my nose
with the pull of memories that
prefer to stay whispers

It's these desensitised nights
that remind me of what was
once so loud

And loud is quiet to me what is inaudible
to others under yellow spectrum
of silver-gloss, enough in god and
without loss

I swallow the capsule and taste the
nothingness and shake my head to
hear ringing and see other, rarer
colours- ones your eyes could hint at

And to be an ultra-deterrent that
kills without touching the lives it is
bluffing, I cannot suture the fracture
in my future
to be god, no

To be semi-real, perhaps
I am not as prolific as
I pretend to be
Each facet is another winter day
I wish wasn't sunny and mocking me

To be what you define reality,
you are a part of me
And a part of yourself is what
you have let me define
My harbouring hunger havocs soft

And if what I inhale makes me
become transparent, will you still
see me?
What's real isn't what I can reveal,
my dear

Isn't it broken, the alignment in our stars
To shift the glow, evermore
I determine the order
You determine me

Isn't it irreparable, the crackling phenomenon
existing between our gazes
We both know it is, and we love to
fall victim to it,
gracefully or not

-c.j. and Joshua Haines

air is for the body, but the mind is shakespeare's-
sister maria hates the bells and sings, "if only I knew girls like me"
roses bloom sweet, and romance seems so far away
in the morning sermon, all breathe and everyone is
skimming the bible for poetic entries
this is for the body, but the mind is
bequeathed to language and linguistic love

-c.j.

voices lower, eyes cast themselves down
to seize, to choke, to drown
death is an invitation and we cry and smile sadly
when it comes in the mail
(oh, how the envelope suffocates)

-cj

a cup transparent, a sight, a reflection
which one diverts like unbolted frames
in the air
a serene dawn will arrive
this vision is in a kaleidoscope lately

heat in sheets goes unfelt
this fear, it expands and loses, drowns and rests
a serene dawn will arrive
my serene dawn will

heat in sheets goes unfelt
until a pair of eyes out of the grey
pull confidence towards it
this juvenile center won't delay
it waltzes, forces me to dwell on
you're the brightest sun, the brightest shadow
it leads to me being in awe of you

-c.j.

What makes a girl good
Sleeping alone, a book under her pillow
Raising her hand to answer the question
Smiling, no tears to dry
Singing, no trembling detected
Well, she is good
But she feels nothing

-cj

I'm a makeless nuance
Last week's murmurings
No one of consequence
I'm a mindless newcomer
Luckless while many
Never can even begin

-cj

In the closet is a cipher I know fairly well who hangs up my coat for me and asks how my day is and I say fine
It's strange because the faceless have countenances particularly memorable, like this one
Its edges were faint grey, and the dark corners of its figure were not as harsh as something too real would seem
The most wonderful reason for this friend, this mirage, was that I was alone without it, an incurable loneliness that originates in my bedroom, with the meager window the only reflection of something different, of hope
It was dangerous to leave home, to stop touching that doorknob, knowing that each day it would only get harder to depart
It gave the kindest farewells, some in writing, with its ethereal script, some in French lullabies or quiet whispers of luck
Now, I reluctantly withdraw
I will most likely be coming back

-cj

what glows when the pupils pale?
what tucks in when the edge has left?
the fly is motionless without the mold
I'm motionless without a murmur

all I'm conscious of is you
you know I can't evolve
under desks it's a sweeter scene
and all your near ones, they hug each other
and your others are having the time of their lives
they're making pies and exchanging letters

the smallest ounce wrecks the balance
basic phrases are waxing general
we're mirrored but juxtaposed with a figure
beneath the microscope
I beg, no improv
the earth is wicked and fringes, snickering

all I'm conscious of is knowing that
we should purge the fictitious parts
we will purge that, purge this and this and that

-c.j.

Subtleties are the vacancies today
Each stop sign is an encouragement
Stripped of pride, I am so sorry I lied
Entitled to saving or something, even now

-cj

you see, it's hard to be A
C wouldn't be with A
B wouldn't be with A
you C, it's hard to B A
B didn't care
C had black hair
A wrote all day and night
you C, it's hard to be A

-c.j.

some mornings I can't stop humming "seven nation army" and tapping mercilessly on the desk
it reminds me of when I used to think, well, I'll just see you when we're not both so emotional, even if I was head over heels in love

it reminds me of when people like you filled the heavens, whose veins are blue and angelic, while mine are just creases
does it remind you of the time you said I think I like you?
I've seen horizon after horizon through windows of this summer house, but what can I say about their beauty compared to yours?

-c.j.

Valentine's Day giddiness
catalysed by the semi hand-holding
and the nervous kisses that
hallow the romantic amateurity
of junior high

Then high school,
the brick-walled hell of september's
The pressure
The hormones
The naked need
for warmth and
an unkillable desire
to lose the one thing
to gain another

But in the end
It's all the same
We want love
(need it)
to survive

Those who live without it
are the poor skeletons
without the fellow heart
to bleed with, side by side

And for those of us who find it,
find that wondrous facet of existence,
the indescribable absolute, love

Our pulses race and minds helplessly
spiral into oblivion to the others
when the one is there

-cj

How are you?
Pre-happiness or something
Explain a bit?
I'm disordered
I have a song that might make
you feel better
It's absolutely beautiful
Divulge
(I will unearth this)

-cj

I can't remember the last bath I had
Soaking in my filth, wanting to be left unequivocally alone
There have been similar instances, but none with the lukewarm water or dreaded departure

-cj

songs of a funeral, possible recovery,
a grain of salt
the river saw me that night
it keeps its word
so I won't have to be shoved
under the bright light

-c.j.

If not for the gasoline aspect
I would drive all over town
Listening to music from the stereo
Just me, just the car
Just the world staying still
And moving, still, somehow

-cj

he made me feel like an extra
love wasn't in the cards- it was a possible
by-product because people always wish it
could thicken while lust engages all limbic
faculties
maybe my head held much more freedom than
he was used to
luckily an egregious loop wound me in its corral,
intimidating with what awful perhapses could
transpire
black paint all washed into covers, t-shirts,
white lingerie
even a list fixed of my mother's heaviest hues;
muddled, mindless file, to have with unsolicited taking-
like anyone ever looked anyway!
I am superfluous

-c.j.

Eyes have minds
that our brains cannot always
reign over
They widen, smile, darken, well up, roll
They give us away with the batting of lash or lowering of gaze

-cj

Why is she in the picture?
Futile reassurances, as my mind still aches
Throat theatrics, doors open the cage when bells dingdingding
Bitter halves spill down my core
Swallowing pride tastes like acid
It's all I had to defend myself, a weapon to put in front of my heart
(Fear unadorned with sweetness, just sharp stiffness)

-cj

She thought he was in love with the other, when the truth, how it'd happily smother that laughable falsehood

-cj

When I said we really need
to let her go
I wasn't talking about me
Did you think I was
Either way
We're both delusional
with hints of sugary intellect
resting in our bones

-cj

He didn't know what sylvania meant
But I knew it had something to do with forests
Something we learned in class last year
Despite your forgetting a definition made of wood,
Your mind is growing keener than one's should
I act all dry and logical as a cover to avoid the limelight, you confess
You're failing, then, I say
You're luminous

-c.j.

I'll resume the noiseless punishment
from your limbs, asymmetrical
I'll resume the elementary pessimism
less conversing, more concept
I, above you, that's all you'll obtain from me

I'll stay awake observing the clock
you wander back, protected within these walls
tangled lately, but then
without angst, a revered accolade
I, above you, that's all you've offered me

I'll resume the noiseless punishment
from your limbs, second to none
I'll resume the elementary pattern
less friends, more elbow room
the vein's deceit
don't tell my own story
the lifeless cell
don't tell my own story
and yearn for the remaining trouble

I'll resume a subtle exit
but I'm ignited, tempest-like
so I'll resume the noiseless punishment

-c.j.

not now, young one
beam and I wish the decay twists well inside,
not to her preferred suffering
continue, you're just doing as you're told
the experiment reveals it all, but I'm not
faking and you stay here despite
the streets being mine
and mine means out of your hands,
to be let down by a spiritual façade
wolves on the edges, the floor begins to higher
you crave compensation, you've received it, now
nothing distracts the mindless, so continue

-c.j.

She remembered the night his body was
so close she could see it even though
her eyes were closed
The rhythm they shared could never
be repeated
Virgins cleaving to their day
and reveling in their night

-cj

As a child I always had these pretty images spinning around in my head
Ballet scenes and ribbons and music swirling so perfectly in time with my little heartbeats threading in and out with each other like they were meant to be an immeasurable part of me

-cj

you and I walk
I don't want to leave this, not yet
stepping in sync with you
is the one thing I have done right
in a long time

-c.j.

over the years the line "this dream is, this dream is in a telescope now"
has meant something but only lately did I realise what it means,
at least, in one facet-
the ideals swirling in my head, these things I think I want, these stories and scenes that infatuate me until I'm speechless-
they are far behind now, not because I changed my mind,
but because I grew up
and it takes a telescope to see them now

-c.j.

Double red left arrow and the emotion inside is visible
Music deafens the nonexistent but reverbreverbreverb
All in stereo, the truth, how I cope
Tell my mother because I won't

-cj

you murmur into my shoulder that I am an angel
your lips tracing my collar with wanderlust
time is dancing, inside, outside, nearside, farside
while our eyes talk, our instincts are waiting for a war
expecting something to go amiss, yet we still speak
into each other's skin:
"you walk in beauty,"
as we dance alongside the clocks

-c.j.

Give and take
For October's sake
Blink out salty tears,
Hallow my name,
Dust off the have-nots
***** me with an ultimatum

-cj

Terror shreds through several of my skins
and I let it
No use for combat
Killing oneself takes more than one killer other than oneself
Punching holes into the artery
Somehow speeding up the process
Slow the life, quicken the death, upset the cycle, complete the task

-cj

His face in sunlight
It's become a paradigm
This is in no way a genesis
We've seen too many days
But, you, my dear, are
the reason for the paradigm shift
And you have no idea

-c.j.

Why was I about to cry?
Because I had fumbled
with my senses
in a masochistic ruse
Played god in this
grotesquer game?
All I felt was
the sweet tears come
but not fall

-cj

"Have you ever asked her who she is trying to feed by emptying herself?"
Maybe to them it will appear vague
But to me, I'll know
I'll know that she is feeding a monster

-cj

Patience is a virtue, rebellion is a sin
Going on tangent makes me want to
touch you

-cj

It's a little too late
to call home
I stood at your door
wondering what your lips felt like
And the next week
you seemed to forget the moment
like your next doctor's appointment

-cj

The grey ghost
shuffled in between their aces and queens
ignoring you amidst their gamble
Was it ever any different?

-cj

Theirs was a love anyone would envy
It's a shock when he tells me about a hiatus, and I hold my breath
Apparently the past isn't so put away
Disorder will follow, there are few exceptions
You decided to go to the hospital, the hospital for your head
She feels no empathy, your type calmly shows
A sociopath, she may be
It scares me but artists must look for artists
Especially when collaboration has kept both alive a little longer
It's hard because I can't say, feel better, be happy, she is coming back
They are lies within truth I thought I knew
The letters you wrote her, I received, as well
To see and hear your pain and voice was the least I could do
Only months ago were poems that made even a stranger swell
Like lights going on, inside
I'm not sure my advice was any help, but you asked for it anyway
We're alike, my friend, and not just art can show that
We love so hard, so deep, that our bones shake
Our rhymes get flustered, we turn to collection for safety, a series of undeniable sadnesses, histories
Feel better, be happy, she may be coming back
After all, hell is long yet love knows how to attack

-cj