I'd walk around the neighbourhood alone like I was out of reasons to stay inside
The night never shunned me, and we became great friends
As I'd stare up at the pearly moon
and dark blue universe
and wonder how this has happened
in this strangely beautiful way
Concepts batter my heart and
mar my chest, and
inevitably, I cry
And when I get back to the house I sleep in
Wipe the tears out of my face
and open the door
to close it on the nocturne

-cj

we're hollowed out and it's blissful
perfection in ice-cube form
the credits are rolling and you speak as if
words burn your tongue
take me to those places you used to only
like going to alone
oh, vast and relentless is our trouble,
and we love it

-c.j.

You concealed it
Were you ashamed?
I saw it in every thing about you
and for a minute it made me sad
You are not dimensionless
Though I once thought so
You dizzy the stars within me
but I think I make yours go still

-cj

My love is gone to war
Against himself, the past
How soon is your last day?
Letters are not contraband
And I thank each star for this
Because, you know, before you
I knew not bliss

-c.j.

But, yes, you will endure,
and one day if your heart is heavier than
it is today,
you will endure that

-c.j.

seventeen candles
and a calendar of semi-regreta
prancing on the table
amidst the pure emptiness of the moment
talent bleeds for nothing
(abide with the sky and all will be fine)
red shutters on the houses
and violets in the green by the road
numbers blur into a mirage of senseless digits,
the air reminds why
days spent in fear, months wasted on heartbreak
that made everything come into place
so blow out candles, you're too old to be so shy
that boy you love is october's favourite medium
until the midnight smothers the embers,
breathe in the quaint dozen plus five fires at your lips
it's seventeen candles, not seventeen knives

-cj

A day refuses to go by
without punching at my flesh
and cursing my silhouette

-cj

why is it that when we sit down
we hate to stand up?
grab tuning forks to bang the table up with
making music, honey
a ravished sense of peculiarity
will ensue, you'll see
this is the way it's supposed to be

-c.j.

we defy the cold times
tethered, crowned, together, deep winter
a kinder resemblance, I say
severed illusions ricochet,
kindling a watercolour
distance tightens caresses tonight
to creep, to dance
we will do it all
remembering every dim light

-c.j.

Do you have wild theories about existence
Have you ever cried because you were so happy

I don't know-

I just want to know more about you

Maybe

You taunting creature

Goodnight, beautiful

-c.j.

It was just a phase
Only the succubus scale taunting hour by hour
With the porcelain throne to kneel to,
My god to worship on the floor
Only a deterioration of beauty, the desire for bones, satisfied mirrors, emptiness
No true happy moment, just strange pleasure from the purge
Temptations were the deadly pattern, and I was the self-made victim
Yes, it was a phase, but it was not only a time out out a year out of my life
It was me, running around outside of this building, trying to get in
Or maybe I was inside of a box
Trying to get o u t

-cj

December shifted me
Of all the aspects to change
My dignity remains existent, however feeble
January was the enemy, the one who fought ***** in disguise
Patterns composed of days and weeks, but
moments more vivid than time itself
Unseen, unheard, untasted yet experienced
nonetheless
Only two months from two different years
have we been entangled
Two months, nine weeks
Confused hours of some number, too
broken to count
"all you need is love" once rang so true
Fake is a name that I cannot slap on it
A slap, in the face
Leave behind red stripes
Even so in the past
The stripes, similar to a rainbow's,
colourless after shining the shades of
childhood toys
Trumpets sound happy
But "you're in my veins" resulted in heavy
tears, "every teardrop is a waterfall" screamed through the sleeves of the thick
shirt hung on shoulders weighed down
"apathy" is the answer given, perhaps taken, too blurred glassy eyes whose
brainwaves behind work in overdrive, or
was it just the incident, coinciding?

-cj

What do you study besides blank canvases and drooled-on pillows?
That is hard to define

-cj

you quarantined us
we'll be released soon
and hand you a single moment
the genius of the era

the villain who hinders
we'll be released soon
and destroy your methods
you draw a grin from the start
your palms become blades anew

drafts, unparalleled
you chase the sequence
and colour it yourself
simultaneous fortunes
simultaneous establishments
when nothing is simple
only the sharpest remain

this is how it happened
but these are our treasures to seize
what resulted from civility, from justice
nothing reveals another "else"

-c.j.

Physical melodies cremated with thoughts left on the side
Surely the other lure that worked came much prettier
No roses to burn, no mouths to feed
For the mourners, new beauty to revise into their story

-cj

Was it really just a matter of association? Because every word felt like a mistake
I wanted to walk down an alley with my coat buttoned up, paradoxes running wild in my head
Like the axioms and jilts of time, each wish withered, went good with grime
The simplest ideas went to waste- since there was a full moon, only washed up regret to taste

-cj

Probably not the best way to
end another day,
relying on metaphysical release
to remind myself of tomorrow
Again and again I bend
to the losing level
It is an unhealthy paradise
and I think I like it

-cj

tell me who your father is, or
who he was, who you know him to be
I want to know even the ugliest parts
of you
the parts that screech in your ears
when you say them, and you can't
block it out with headphones
how when old ideas blasted, courseless

you asked to speak to the girl who
walked like she had elegies written
on her legs
tell me about your home, she demands
how the walls don't know you yet
and the roof is still a stranger to
your shouts

the painful truths that split ice in
your echoes, whose spirits you conjure
with a blacklight, or in other words,
hell

how when odd interpretations become
compatible to your angles
you ****** the same girl to tell her
she was right, she was right about it all

-c.j.

Eyes trembling,
I feel the floor with my soul
And sense the madness begin to take its toll

-cj

kid's gooey t-shirt can go through the wash
no need to pull the panic cord
one must kick their blues to the side and do
what they know is inevitably best

maybe you only want it because you're lonely
in the inner city, craving a way to calm down
laundry detergent kills the peanut butter,
***** it into the sparkling void, making libraries
look *****
messes are divine;
when made together, they are not for naught

-c.j.

Eve confirmed that apples are sweet
The banishing sin is,
as well
Until the aftermath divides
birth from life
and all is bland and empty again

-cj

Ready or not, here I come
I've counted to infinity and back only to stumble and clumsily lose track
I thought you said things wouldn't be so hard after the initiation or whatever that was
You must've lied, because every night has been a cross between a nightmare and a pretty story about the damsel in distress who is saved by her prince
I thought you'd hide around the corner to make this one easy on me but I ended up circling the town and what exists around to find you along with the mad love for pain in my chest, just laying in the residue of ink and mindful mess
(It was just a teenage hallucination, darling)

-cj

there were billions of bodies buried beneath my feet
and the sun shone
to say it was a new day would be a lie
it was a resuscitation of the one before
a chance to make amends
or so I thought

-c.j.

rather not say what's on my mind
but I like honesty I guess
you ruin everything you know
each hope you smother like
an unwanted flame
make me want to scream
you're the frustrater
I'm sick of being the victim
you're the perpetrator,
my twisted lover

-c.j.

Who is god anyway? I've never heard
his voice or seen his face on the streets
He might as well be a silent ghost
People always tell me that he loves me
but I don't even know his name
Sometimes I wish he'd leap out of my
closet and scare me just to show me
that he's real and I can stop writing
of unsolved mysteries

-c.j.

He calculates, she commiserates
He walks to the car, she muses over the stars
And like clockwork
They miss and find and remember
Kiss and rewind and hear the thunder all in each other's minds without trying

-cj

I knew I was falling when you said,
"let me take you out," and I smiled
you give me paper knees, my dear
my balance is all thrown off
each breath fills me deeper
with perfume and a cough
can any air pierce winds
dragging me from blue, even oceans
trace all imprinted breaks, my dear
may keeping pieces make you whole

-c.j.

Thanks for putting me in this place,
I'm holding myself up between the walls
as the water rises
It's up to my waist
I'm up to here with your lack of effort
Yeah, I'm motioning to my head
Toss me a buoy, would you?
At least give me an explanation
I'm sick of being wrung-out,
searching for a reason
Just tell me why or what
or something about this,
you uncracked enigma

-cj

A message in a bottle
Tossed amongst the sea
Mystery, raw intrigue, and romantic script blare
But it is always quiet near the peaks
The ocean's mountains, mermaid coves
A nestling home for the glass and parchment and cork of wood
The words are sealed within to pretend to drown in the flask's dwindling air, saying
Of the meaning of me does not one being care?

-cj

some mornings I can't stop humming "seven nation army" and tapping mercilessly on the desk
it reminds me of when I used to think, well, I'll just see you when we're not both so emotional, even if I was head over heels in love

it reminds me of when people like you filled the heavens, whose veins are blue and angelic, while mine are just creases
does it remind you of the time you said I think I like you?
I've seen horizon after horizon through windows of this summer house, but what can I say about their beauty compared to yours?

-c.j.

I graduated twelve days ago
oh, how odd it is to be classless
not in a desk and not in a crowd
who am I if no one will tell me?
maybe it's just like when we were kids
adults paint the walls and we paint
the canvas
belittled for reasons we could not know
at the time
the adults write the checks and we write
the essays
I am growing, but whether it is up or left or right
I don't know

-c.j.

belief, it shrivels the tongue
the villain precise
the pines dragged out the tune remaining
pounds the abyss that I've made
spite, it's going to overwhelm this city
when the crescent fades to black sky only
hold on, they'll never stop invading
it's greater to seek my demon
so the stems were endless
every violet a hook to warn the boy
and affection has secured you, yet
the day exhumed, we can give and take it
you began this plan
so the only thing I do is gaze
you're their defense, upright
not a thing has power to cause you to shiver
the animal and the heart
you're their defense, the animal assailing

-c.j.

that was when I knew but my mind didn't
my heart was in shambles when it tried to
beat for them
for you, though, it was fixed; steadier

I walked those streets with you in my head
and in each of my steps
it was your voice I heard, subconsciously,
telling me the histories of the buildings
I'd pass, whispering news from home that
you thought I wouldn't care about, but I did
that was when I knew I had been wrong, and
I kept listening to that song that told me to
stop waiting for him, but my mind didn't
know that yet

epiphanies have been had, I found out he was
a thief, a handsome façade
the heartbeats grew louder as your face appeared,
gracefully, and I smiled-
it was always you

-c.j.

new york, 1940
standing in the train station
abuzz with news of other towns and cities
all concerning the day at hand, far away from yesterday
the past puts on a vanishing act, the pieces become
"the apparition of these faces in the crowd;
petals on a wet black bough"
we shiver because we are out of our minds,
touching ghost after ghost, tickets in trembling hand

-c.j.

The thing is,
when you tremble,
your art
won't shake

-c.j.

She's pale and thoroughly a briarsome beauty, what with her hazeling eyes that blush.
And if there is logic laced in love,
I am a lesbian for her.
Violin case is a silhouette,
body against brick wall.
Waiting.
Something we have in common.
Her skin looks soft, I muse
and her hair smells sweet,
But separate as isles in the sea
we remain.
Logic shatters;
That vain mirror.

-cj

narrow couch to lay across
carpet for stepping and losing loss

walls around to capture chords
roof above to hear our words

eyes to speak and hands to touch
mouths that move and lips that hush

ears that yearn and lungs that wait
arms that hold and smiles a little late

songs that know and films that show
confessions that cause our hearts to glow

-c.j.

sometimes you are a vessel
the mortar to the pestle
caved into with striking stirs,
said to ease the pain
promise to envelop the stories, sire
seclude, win it carefully
place two thoughts mixed together,
very alarmingly awake, yet soft
section your art away, vandals to ****** tomorrow
to pacify critick's images
with swift severe style that eats the pile up

-c.j.

once, my mum and dad told me to stop writing
writing is not something to stop, or cause to be discontinued, it still happens, whether or not the hands are working
apologies for rebellion are futile, since words and meaning circle me, leaving no reason to preserve the lack

it only stops when you're dead
and then, it speeds up

-c.j.

the library is our garden of eden
we entered innocent and
left not so
I partook of the forbidden fruit-
(kiss, an emphatic kiss)

-c.j.

fragile china teacups
lined up like soldiers
on the table
beneath lace and under sable
lies a yearning to break and
smear blood throughout the room and
look back in awful ecstasy

-c.j.

Ashtrays
So that's where your casual soul lounges
Don't mind my stare
I'm just in awe
At the blatant disregard for
the facts, the proof
Hard, cold evidence
That comes from burning
your lungs
You will suffer
after those short
sparks and highs

-cj

No one could ever decode
what I was talking of
in any of them
It was liberating
unlike any other
activity I had taken up
Eventually I'll just
start screaming the truth
without veils or metaphors
or cloudy titles, I thought
But that's when it happened
and I was back to the
cryptic ways
of the silent artist

-cj

Theirs was a love anyone would envy
It's a shock when he tells me about a hiatus, and I hold my breath
Apparently the past isn't so put away
Disorder will follow, there are few exceptions
You decided to go to the hospital, the hospital for your head
She feels no empathy, your type calmly shows
A sociopath, she may be
It scares me but artists must look for artists
Especially when collaboration has kept both alive a little longer
It's hard because I can't say, feel better, be happy, she is coming back
They are lies within truth I thought I knew
The letters you wrote her, I received, as well
To see and hear your pain and voice was the least I could do
Only months ago were poems that made even a stranger swell
Like lights going on, inside
I'm not sure my advice was any help, but you asked for it anyway
We're alike, my friend, and not just art can show that
We love so hard, so deep, that our bones shake
Our rhymes get flustered, we turn to collection for safety, a series of undeniable sadnesses, histories
Feel better, be happy, she may be coming back
After all, hell is long yet love knows how to attack

-cj

Excuse me, pardon me
It's not as if we've been entangled for
countless weeks
A waiting game that ruthlessly leaves me
in my room to think of you and
not much else

-cj

I have only an existence that stretches from once of my quaint horizons to the other
Look through to my centre
It's my core that does my bidding
Though sometimes I get chancy and let my fingers do the ***** work

hey wolf, precious wolf
you know I love you
I'm sorry you are sad today
but remember, everyone feels that way
sometimes a part of me says to let them in,
these unhappy friends
and there is not a dry eye once I do
I know that everybody's watching me,
but I remember everyone has made mistakes
you are a precious wolf
we will keep reminding each other of these things
that sadness makes us forget

-c.j.

You're something else
Hold my face in your hand, it's the
only way I'll remain whole
Why aren't you leaving, why isn't
your foot in the door
Why must I feel like every disaster before

To cry in your bed was
the last thing I wanted
But you, with your bedroom eyes,
your loud awful incredible eyes
Told me I was something else
Not someone else,
something else

-c.j.

inevitably waking up to a black sun, the eclipse is stuck
news channels don't even mention it anymore because
it's been this way for a while, now

sunshine became shadow- the smart people said we should just turn
night into our day, with the moon as a replacement
the world cannot revolve around a dark star, so the world chose to be nocturnal

we adapt constantly, we still are somewhat comfortable, but all
of the flowers are gone and we've turned to animals for their meat
desperately as the goods of the ground die out

pale arms and legs are the norm, and we ration our electricity in case this never ends, in case the sun never sheds its selfish cloak

we are managing, but there is no such thing as thriving, anymore

-c.j.

I never understood what the other words meant but somehow they worked because now I stand out of breath looking around and I see thousands of ambiguities I had mistook for typos

-cj