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smallblank Dec 2013
I wouldn't call this poetry
I wouldn't call this poetry because there is nothing beautiful about wanting to die. There is nothing lovely about hurting yourself, nothing symbolic about deaths kiss that I wish would kiss my entire soul.
I wouldn't call this poetry because it isn't.
I think really living is a lot like knowing there's demons lurking inside your head but checking anyways.
I think it's like getting home late and pulling back the shower curtain checking murders
even though all you have to so is pull back your own eyelids and see the very thing that's killing you
I did not sleep last night because I was contemplating ways to die while also telling myself not to do it
I think I'm in a paradox.
I wouldn't call this poetry because there is nothing moving about this.I long for safety like a deaf person longs to hear.
But how can you long for something you've never felt?
I've been applying bandaids to my heart except it's words and the adhesive they provided just doesn't stick in my mind anymore
Everyone wants to knock down my walls but I'm missing the safety the cemented in bricks provide and I promise you
Oh god I promise you
You don't want to come through my walls
smallblank Nov 2013
Your eyes open slowly and your blurry vision begins to fade. You look around and the room is white. Hanging over you is a canopy collecting every butterfly you've ever experienced. You step from underneath it and your feet touch the  floor covered in satin. You begin slipping just as your control once began to slip through your own fingers. You feel for the wall for support only to find your hand stained blue and cold.

The room was flooded with blue. You walk towards the cd player, and push play like you have a thousand times before. The cd plays the sounds of the ocean, the splashing against the rocks reminded me of a love that always came back for more. You were calm and every ounce of you called out for the warmth of the sun and the taste of the salt on his lip.
His kisses grew far more passionate than you ever intended and the vines leading down euphoric paths became green and quickly the room fades a deep emerald. The leaves began to change and your vines snapped much sooner than you ever planned for.

Sun poured into the light and reflected on every mirror you so impatiently refused to stare into. The room was yellow. You were alone with mirrors and a puzzle. The puzzle represented every piece of him that you never understood and your frustration pushed through your mind like crepuscular rays in a cloud. You heard yellow meant happy, but it only reminded you of a cowardice and an irritation that could cut holes in granite rock.

You look down towards your chest slowly rising and falling only to find the floor is orange, the walls are orange, every table and chair is orange. You walk over and sit in the corner, in the chair, seeming to be nailed to the floor and suddenly you remember every regret hammered into your head with no intention of release, just like the chair.

Power, lust and *******. You were covered in his scent and the marks on your skin were as red as the walls. The ruby matched your hatred, but it represented the passion that once coursed through your veins and raced with the beating of your heart that sounded far too much like the clock that was ticking out of time. It was red and it was quiet, but your intensity diminished as the  luxury of purple took its course and had its way with the walls.

The hands on the clock were amethyst along with ever shelf end every book within it. You reach past the cobwebs to reveal a book of your life. The pages are stained with deep purple smudges similar to your arms and knees after your demons have beaten you down. You begin to read the words on every page covered in black ink.

You realize now the colors are painted along the wall of your mind. It is as dark inside your mind and you feel submerged in a water deeper than the well your family had once thrived from. But the well of hope has run dry and you desperately search for the water that once kept you all afloat. The only noises you hear are every regret that ever snuck its way into the crevices of every memory. You pray for white, yellow, red, anything but black. But you are alone with the demons and you are alone in the walls of your head.
smallblank Oct 2013
Loving you in the form of forced "I love you"'s between every touch, between every doubt inside that screams "no" while you keep screaming "yes" but all I wanted was for you to touch my heart the same way you touched my thighs and grabbed my face unapologetically
Loving you in the form of bare feet on wet pavement similar to the way you carefully walked your way into my mind. I wish every natural disaster would sound like our hurricanes of false "I love you"'s and forced moans

Losing you in the form of blankets on that cold November morning when our hearts were no longer fabricated to beat the same. I never quite forgot the way the frost matched the color of your eyes the day you decided loving me was as worthless as hiding from the monsters that lived in your head. Losing you in a form quite similar to the closest way we made love; you'd lie with I love you after minutes of me hoping you'd stop. The cadence of your voice became stale and I think I could see winter in your eyes even when I was not looking at you and my sighs became more frostbitten than your words.

Missing you in the form of sweaty palms but you never really were one for holding hands and now your fingers are shaking harder than they did during our first kiss but it wasn't our first kiss I missed, it was every one after that and the way you'd whisper I love you as if one time you truly meant it, just to watch me walk away when I thought I'd had enough. Missing you in the form of wearing your deodorant every night after years of you being gone because I will never feel safe without your memory. I was clinging to your memory in hopes that these nightmares aren't my reality but you never woke me up and I'm still waiting to be held by your words.

Forgetting you in the form of burnt love letters smothering out your voice in my head but still stinging deeper than any cut you placed on my heart. I still remember the rush of blood to my face the first time we touched, but now I wonder if the heat was a spark in interest or a warning sign. Forgetting you in the form of sleeping the time away, just to see your silhouette in my dreams. I don't trust my own two hands, how can I ever grasp yours again? Forgetting you was slam poetry except its not beautiful at all and the only thing being slammed is the doors to my heart because I'm not sure if it's safe inside anymore.

— The End —