I cant wait to speak to you now
To see your face
Your my home
Your what i know
And when i said i hated you
It wasnt true
But i do hate what youve done to me
I hate that i love you
A little bit
A lot
Now
Now when i feel crazy
And then actually
Then when i said i hated you, cos i was crazy, cos i love you, and thats what this love has done to me, made me crazy, an thats what i hate.
Oh and now
Because your away and i cant see you and feel you and make you laugh, i really want to make you laugh
And see your smile
And taste your lips
And make you ***
I fantasise daily
About how im gonna tie you up and make you *** the night you get back
In reality il probably be shy
But i have friends, i have hobbies, i have important **** to do for **** sake
But im sitting here, missing you
Writing this
Recording shows and films on the box for us to watch together when you get back
The notebook
We have to watch the notebook
And im fine
Dont get me wrong im fine, i get to sleep okay
And im chillin, seein people, might see matt this week, talking to didi an toe, seeing family
Im fine, please dont get a big ego
But im just not
Home
Im not tingly
Or excited
I cant explain it
I dont have you
I dont have you in my arms an sometimes that makes me sad
And then i start thinking about all the things that iv done wrong
And all these great things im gonna do when ur back
I am, im going to appreciate you more
And im going to play cool a bit more
Dont know how im gonna do both
But i am
Im gonna appreciate you because i want to,
Because i look back on this short time weve been together and so many things that you have done for me make me smile, make me so grateful and make me so happy. Like the cash machine one :) and staying at my house when i was at work, and being patient when i dont know what to wear(corfu and tims)
And all this makes me think, ****. What have i ever done for this boy
He is amazing and he loves me, **** knows why but he does and its insane
Oh and then im gonna play it cool, thats right
Im gonna play it cool because i dont want to ruin it
I dont want to show too much
Of my feelings of absolute passionate never-before-felt-like-this love!
And i dont want those nice things you do to stop
I dont want you to stop trying
Because its boring
Because you know youve got me
Got me ignoring other guys texts
Got me thinking about no one else but you
Got me absorbed in you
Got me missing you like crazy, writing stupid love notes at midnight, drinking rose on my own, when i havnt seen you for a mere two weeks
That kindov got me
Thats what you cant know
So im gonna miss you
But then im gonna see you
Soon
Soon im gonna wrap my whole body around yours like a vice
I wanna jump on you, i wanna run an jump when i see you like we used to do in the corridor of galbraith
Even tho i know im so heavy
You dont act like i am
And i wanna bury my head deep in your neck and kiss it
And now i cant write anymore
Cos its too much
So il watch kardashians
Take my mind of you
Not long now and il be home
I mean, you'll be home.

****
He is a ****
A manipulative ******* ****
He ruined it for me
He made me weak
He controlled everything and burnt it to the ground
****

All the things I hate about you.

You lie.
You lied.

You lied and if you can lie once then you'll lie again.

But if you can lie again that's on me. That's on me for being mad for one short night and then kissing you. Holding you and stroking your hair and smiling and playing normal.

The consequences of a lie now set as follows:
One **** night of confrontation, arguments, tears and coldness.
Followed by a morning of apologies, cuddles, deep promises and make up ***.

Not too bad. Not bad enough to deter you from your next lie?

The consequences for me are lasting.
Tears that wont stop;  even more so when im driving, alone in my thoughts. Tears so relentless I begin to loose sight of the road ahead.
Fear and suspicion in you, that will no doubt ruin everything eventually anyway even if you do not lie again.

And then there's all the things I hate about myself..

You're nice,
Not just nice, but really caring,
Risky of me to say, but I'm daring,
Cause no boy,
Not just a boy,
No man wants to hear that he's nice.

You're giving,
Not just rarely, but always giving,
Even without thinking, just always willing,
To me,
Not just to me,
But everyone we know.

Your diplomatic,
Not just fair, but really clever,
Easily bringing people back together,
With reason,
Not just what you say,
But your whole attitude.

Your understanding,
Not just patient, but calming and gentle,
Even when everyones going a bit mental,
Okay,
Not just everyone,
But mainly me.

I'm selfish,
Spoilt and moody and causing trouble,
Been living in my own little bubble,
For long,
Not just long,
But forever before I met you.

But you're nice
So perfect, it makes me look at me,
And re-evaluate the way I want to be,
Better,
Not just better,
But more like you.

I'm paranoid to say the least.
Mind occupied constantly with the nauseating, ****** up, but totally realistic thought that you'll stray.
Girls everywhere; stupid ugly girls popping out of everything, every mindless place you go. Every girl who was a friend before, back when I was a girls girl, is now an enemy.
The love, the "I love you"s, plagued with a painful truth.
You loved her.. And yet.
You love me.. And yet?

I'm waiting. That's all I'm doing; crippled nightly with the anxiety of whats to come.
Because I, I am not like her. And I,  well I have not loved before.
And if it's true that the unloved, untouched, baby is the most helpless then so help me, I wont make it through.
And if the baby is already on the edge, floating off all the time anyway, causing rips and tears in the fragile then surely one thing might be enough, to ruin all of the unplanned plans, to break all of the already broken.
I'm breaking.

I'm ******* obsessed.
How do you undo a need that is growing day by day, how do you rewind it?
Nobody ever ******* told me. I was so excited I dove head first. Now I want out. Not totally. I just want out a bit, just a break for air, just this grip on my chest lifted. This tensing of my hands into a claw, it's not healthy.
I cannot accept that at some point, inevitably, without a ******* doubt; I will be hurt in the worst, most upsetting, most painful, demeaning way, that is so familiar to your good self.

And that's why I have already strayed from you.

I'm out of my ******* depth here.
I really don't know what to say.
I hate you, lets stop this, I don't care.
But I loved you yesterday.

I want to slow it down now.
I'm scared, I really am.
I'm scared that I'm consumed in this thing,
And you don't give a ****.

But I ******* love the attention.
Don't stop, give up and say bye.
Cos this hesitation is temporary,
I just want to see if you'll try.

So hold me tight and squeeze me.
Tell me you want me so bad.
Grab me and push me against the wall,
Scare me, but only a tad.

Warm me up with your body.
Talk to me with your hips.
Power me with a hand on my ****,
And ruin my neck with your lips.

But please remember I'm willing,
To leave this whole thing behind.
Don't tell me you want more, you're lying.
Don't stay here just to be kind.

Don't watch me as I fall asleep,
It makes me feel adored and so safe,
And I wont ever feel like that for long,
I will not allow it, incase.

But the touch of your lips on my forehead,
Gives an overwhelming feeling of trust,
And the way that we talk till the sun comes up,
And the way that you have me all sussed.
 
Should I stay though I'm frightened or bail?
In my mind is a constant debate.
I can feel you tempting my guard down now.
I can feel it's already too late.