Your hands are sweaty before we go to bed & you always believe in me even when I don't believe in you.

You've tricked
me into loving
you;
You've given
me trust issues;
You made me
forget that
life isn't easy
& sometimes
being a good
person doesn't
always mean
that i'll end up
in bed with you
the following
night.

I now believe in you & you've given up on me;
you promised me an eternal life but what good is living forever if it's not spent kissing the back of your neck, & washing your body in the shower, & driving to the local bookstore just to sit in the car while we read each other's favorite book.

You make me feel safe
yet stupid at the same
                time.

I couldn't love you the way you love all the mountains & polar bears & extraterrestrial life forms;
& I couldn't speak to you in languages that you practically created by the way they clearly roll off your tounge like wheels during a rainstorm or a bowling ball in a swimming pool.

I love you but i'll
never
actually meet
the real
you;
I'll tell all of my friends
I don't believe in you
even though you're
just one
phone call away;
I'll tell all of my friends
I don't believe in love
even though your kisses
clearly make me remember
what it was like
to be a kid again &
absolutely
be in love with the
thought of one day
meeting someone
like
you,
someone as beautiful
as
you.

God is every word you've screamed my way & my idea of heaven is spending the night in your arms.

We may not have church to fall back on, but we have each other's shattered faith, & that's enough for us.

I never saw her again,
but the thing was that I didn't need to;
She left me with enough memories & hope that could paralyze the world if needed.

For the rest of my life I will always remember the song I would sing in my head whenever she made me the happiest.

Her words were so clear & so meaningful,
it was like taking a speech class all over again;
I loved speech,
I loved her.

For the rest of my life I will always remember what it felt like to have my inner thoughts massaged by such clean & innocent hands (words).

She was the teacher that taught for the passion of it, & the thrill of changing the lives & minds of kids for years to come.
She taught me how to laugh & cry,
even how to love;
No one had ever loved me more, no one could have ever loved me more, I simply wouldn't let them.

For the rest of my life I will always remember waking up knowing that the love of my life was laying in bed next to me, & it would be that way forever.

She was my favorite subject & ironically I was her's as well,
She confused me constantly with her wit & she loved the look in my eye when I was totally lost (& a little dumbfounded) by her words;
I was totally lost in her,
so lost that I never quite found my way back.

*For the rest of my life I will always remember the feeling of having to say goodbye, but never before having been taught how to.

The ocean caught fire the first time I laid eyes on you,
the world was perfect & wars didn't exist for that split second,
also people weren't superficial but instead loving & appreciative for what had been right in front of their eyes for so long.

I'm sorry it took me so long to notice you before,
I had been so caught up in my own little chaotic world that I had never before noticed that the ocean had caught fire long before I was ever born, long before I knew how repulsive the taste of saltwater in my mouth was, long before the curtains could draw themselves,
& even before songs used to be written because of pure joy & not the idealistic lifestyle of endless fame & mountains of money.

I'm only 18 years old but I swear to you my dear, i've loved you for centuries.

Ever since the big bang theory, the universe has known what pure love has looked like because you have always existed,
in the dark matter,
in the dying stars,
in the evolving cities inside the galaxies that won't even exist for another 10 billion years,
you were always there, being loved; unconditionally, unimaginably, substantially, overconfidently, loved.

& whether I fade off into a heaven-like nirvana, or reincarnate into all of the tears running down your face, or just rot in the ground for all of eternity;
always know that every star in the galaxy will always love you if I can't, & the sun will burn out to the thought of you, & every burden that I ever put on your shoulders (including myself) will always remember (& appreciate) you for breathing all the air inside of a gasp-less room & will always love you for that;
even in 10 billion years after the earth is dried out & the sun is on its death bed, the universe will still love you,
for everything,
every kiss you gave me,
every time you let me lay in your arms even though you hated me at the moment;
every "cheer up champ, you'll get over me sooner or later" line you said to me,
every single piece of advice you had given me for ways to love you better, ways to love you harder, ways to give myself to you without seeming vulnerable, & ways to kiss you without actually being in the same room as you.

The universe will always love you, & the same goes for me, I will always love you as well, even when a meteor destroys the tree house that we built together, or a heat wave so powerful wipes out the human species, or you decide one day that the way I look at you in the shower isn't as meaningful as it was 6 months ago; no matter the catasrophe, this aquarius constellation will always remember how happy you made it, & will always love you for that.

The clock in your room is stuck on 6:46 p.m. & I think that's all the time I need to fall in love with you.

It didn't take much time for me to realize that your laugh was sweeter than every bakery in northern california , & that your teeth are whiter than my favorite sweater, & the dresses you wear could rehabilitate a ******* addict in the matter of minutes, & your favorite song is the same song that we were listening to when we decided that we're better off together than apart, & that walk that you have when you're wearing your favorite outfit could cure my severe illness for good.
It didn't take much time for me to realize that 2+2 could only add up to equal you;
that everything in the long run always added up to equal you.

Time is a funny thing when all of it is spent with you,
with your humor,
your simple sarcasm,
your addictive tickles,
your favoring voice,
your stupidly stimulating conversations,
your cold yet inviting arms,
your masterpiece of a body,
your god-like heart,
& most importantly your vivacious patience with me.

Life is all about time, trial and error, & taking chances;
& frankly
you were the best chance I ever took,
the best broken clock I could have ever spent all of my time with,
& the best error I never made.

Everyone only thinks about themselves,
but I only think about you;
I think about your face under a hot shower,
I think about what that hot water could do to my lips after kissing every inch of your body;
I constantly think about every inch of your body.

You breathe just like every other human; your heart beats in the exact same way as everyone else's does, but for some reason no other human, nor creature, can capture my attention & consume all of my thoughts (whether i'm conscious or not), like you can.

No one can forget my birthday yet still look so beautiful in that dress that you bought specifically to wear for me; no one can simply buy a dress like you can, & I know that sounds silly but the way you hand that cash over the counter & swipe your debit card makes my heart melt & my molecules rattle; my whole internal self is just one giant tambourine when you're near, & the music that my cells & veins produce will be played lightly in the background everytime you kiss my cheek & grab my hand while i'm driving.

As long as you continue to wear that dress for me & take the hottest of showers no matter what society tells you, then I will forever keep running after you no matter how fast you go & will always remember what it felt like to see you across the lunchroom;
casually falling in love with the thought of you,
with the thought of one day writing something for you that i'd actually be proud of,
with the thought of seeing your whole vulnerable self laying underneath my covers & knowing that I made the right decision for the first time in my life,
with the thought of kissing every inch of your body,
with the thought of losing my voice while you're the only one speaking;
with the thought of screaming out the only words that i've ever known to be true, "I Love You."

When you're mad at me I drive slower than I normally would even though we're not saying a word to each other; just to be there with you, for as long as possible, to feel that emotional consciousness between us; even to feel that tense love that we have had for quite a while now.

I write you love letters & tape them to the bottom of your bed once a month, that way, however long it takes for you to find them, when you finally do, your eyes will have never witnessed a garden of sunflowers so breathtaking before; a garden of my emotions; a garden of our story.

I buy you things that I won't ever give to you because I know you would love them, but I also know how you hate when I spend money on you.

I tell everyone I meet that I have a diamond waiting for me back home. What they don't know is that you're actually a gold mine. A pure, beautifully sanctioned, gold mine.

I stare at you for hours on end while you sleep so elegantly next to me, because every rose should always be noticed, & every star in the galaxy needs to be appreciated.

I plan out cute dates for us in excruciating details, & only plan to take you on each of them once a year, because I know we can make it that long, I know it.

I secretly record your voice every now & then, & play it on loop so I can fall asleep to the most delicately astounding sound this world has ever come across. Your voice is my clarity. Your voice reminds me of all the reasons why i'm not religious.

I sometimes sing in the shower, but only the last song that played before you got out of the car. Every song reminds me of your voice & everything always brings my mind back to the thought of you. My mind is like a wandering dog,  he may be able to venture out for some time, but sooner or later he always comes back to the thing he knows best.

I write songs for you daily but am afraid that if I show them to you & you know my fully untouched feelings about you then all you would see me as is what I really am, weak.

I have a journal that is filled with ways to tell you that I love you without actually ever saying a word.
The entire journal is blank, because there is no way to express my love for you in words or any sort of physical symbolism.

You see, my love for you goes unnoticed, but that's okay because the way you tell me that I have galaxies under my eyelids & the way you stare at me while we watch Gossip Girl is why I don't care if you know I love you or not; I don't even care if you love me or not; all I care about is that you're still breathing in the morning & that you're still mine every night.

Step 1: Kiss her, hard.
Step 2: Let her swim through your body and feel her fingernails accidentally chip a piece of your heart off.
Step 3: Do anything and everything that absolutely terrifies you, then do these things again, with her this time.
Step 4: Climb a mountain, then write her a letter once you reach the top; spill your guts out onto that piece of paper and watch as the snowflakes turn into words and -27 degrees turns into excruciating emotions.
Step 5: Realize that death is just another form of telling her that she's beautiful & listening to her sing in the car & watching her graduate from the school we call life & letting her run her sandy toes through your leg hair.
Step 6: Jump off of a cliff made of her memories, then sink to the bottom of that ocean which is filled with contaminated smiles and laughs that you haven't seen or felt in ages.
Step 7: Congratulate her on her new job and marriage.
Step 8: Give her newborn son a big hug, for the both of you; knowing in the back of your mind, that should of been your little boy to give kisses to on all the boo-boos and scratches he gets.
Step 9: Accidentally see her across the park, jogging (so beautifully if I might add), and walk in the opposite direction.
Step 10: Keep on living, without her.