It's not nobody is hearing my cry for help
It's that I'm afraid to call loudly

I want to revisit those nights
Way back when
We would stay up until 2
Just talking, laughing effortlessly

That would be the perfect birthday present.

I also want to revisit that night
When we turned from people we knew
into good friends
I don't know exactly when it was,

But that would be the perfect birthday present.


I even want to revisit those nights,
My darkest hours,
Because even in the worst times,
You could make me smile.

That would be the perfect birthday present.


But then I realize
Our friendship is one to last
One I will have
For years to come

*And THAT is the perfect birthday present.

I watch the sun
Paint the horizon
With beautiful colors
What an amazing sight!

Oranges and Reds, Purples and Blues
All in perfect harmony.

I am awed, for a second, at the spectacular beauty of it, and the sun itself

But then I think of your face, and suddenly the sunset is just splashes of boring, dull colors
And I think of your smile
And the sun is suddenly a tiny, dim dot in the sky.

I love the rain.
Nobody can tell you've been crying.

From spinning galaxies colliding in intergalactic bursts of light traveling millions of miles every hour, to dying stars fueling the birth and rebirth of new civilizations and planets, of new life, of new beginnings, from the infinite multidimensional plane of the universe that's the palate for these swirls of light and heat
To the intricate workings and cognitive enigmas of love, the springs and cogs of joy, the blackened cogs of sorrow, covered in soot
To the formation of billions of these unending universes that, in time will flourish or wither...
The distances between these universes are huge, yet traveling these wide expanses take trillionths of billionths of seconds, and the celestial dance between universes of ideas, galaxies of concepts, black holes of love and despair, quasars pulsing pure energy everywhere, everything coming together in a spectacular array of light and heat...universes within universes spin and dance in my brain and neurons fire as galaxies die, pathways travelled as planets are born, and nerve endings stimulated as supernovas fueling them...all of this for one idea. Millions upon millions of universes are born and die in my head, and because of it the universe doesn't seem so small..after all, billions exist in our brains.
Yet, in all of that, these dazzling arrays of light are compressed into infinitesimally tiny spaces...it's not surprising that something's lost in the process.
It's amazing to think that so much is in our heads, that so much happened in our heads for us to realize so much happens in our heads, that  so much happens for such simple ideas...the sheer amazement that should be felt is painfully lacking.
The perfection of the stars is lost on paper.

Something's lost, between the beginning of a universe, the birth of new stars and systems, and between our final actions. It's lost in translation.

I have entire galaxies in my head, but I speak mere stars.

The number of things looking up for me today....
I'm not locked in a psych ward and everything went well.
I haven't seen anything that wasn't there so far.
And, I imagine, when I squeeze my eyes shut tonight in wait  for the nightmares, when I open them, it will be morning, and I will not have had nightmares at all.

The number of years it's been,
The number of times I've tried to join you since,
And the number of days left until your memory is celebrated.

There are some wounds
That even time can't heal.
Like this one....

I gaze into your deep eyes with dismay,
Inside I see a lost soul gone astray.

“Anything I can do?” I dare to say,
You shake your head, like you mean to say “nay.”

Deep inside, I can tell that you meant “yay,”
I'm sure that things won’t always be this way.

I notice your hurting, for you I pray,
That you recover fast, with no delay.

I remember the times we used to play,
In the backyard as kids, for the whole day.

You were so happy, but that’s gone away,
Perhaps next time you grin, your cheer will stay.

Dear Mark,
You have an uncanny ability to make me laugh.
So many times I have been in the darkest of places,
To be brought back up by another video of yours.
You thank us, me, for subscribing and supporting you,

But really, you shouldn't be thanking us.

We should be (and are) thanking YOU
For helping us
For saving us
For making us laugh
For making us happy
For making us forget our troubles
For your continued dedication
For your hilarity
For your generosity
*For everything.

Whether it's her or me,
My thoughts get jumbled on the way out.
My tongue forms intricate knots even the most
Skilled rope expert would be hard pressed to undo.
The silence drags on, and it makes my brain screech
Nothing comes out, what finally does
Is the equivalent of Bieber writing music for Beethoven...and I find
My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations.

It's too late.
I've cracked....

I would try everything
If not for the fact that it's too late.
So I won't bother
It would just be a waste of time.

Words cannot describe my feelings towards you,
Although, hell, I'll certainly try.

I love you.
although, as I used to say so often, "not that way." Purely platonic (as I routinely reassure everyone).
To say you've been a big part of my life is an enormous understatement-
You've been there as long as I can remember.
It's only recently that I've grown to truly appreciate you,
from laughter and jokes via Google in English class
to whispered secrets in orchestra.
You always told me those secrets with a smile on your face, even though
they were impossibly sad.
Why?
Was it because you wanted to look like you were saying something normal?
Or was it because you didn't think you could say it without crying, so you forced yourself to smile?
You saw through me in my darkest hours,
And managed to forgive me time and again.
I owe you so much.
You're beautiful, talented, funny, and strong.
And he  broke  you.
He took your heart.
He cherished it, made you feel important.
And then he shattered it into more pieces than there are stars
(of which you claim to not be good at writing about).
...twice.
And still he ignores you, which requires both arrogance and selfishness at levels so extreme,
Odysseus would tell him to get a grip, and Caesar would be disturbed.
..
And you deserve so much better. I want to remind you of that. He's nothing, he doesn't deserve you and he never will.

To forget you would be a heinous crime,
One I will never be guilty of.
Whether it is tucked away in the expanses of the universe inside my head,
Or stored as ones and zeroes in the conversation records of many a different software, accumulated over the years...
Or in the papers, which you will be in someday, with that kind of writing talent.
How could I possibly forget those chocolate eyes which tell me so much when you tell me so little?
How could I possibly forget those nights in Italy, when everything went to hell and you just couldn't take it?
How could I possibly forget these memories that you've left me? Some of my favorites?
How could I possibly forget you? You beautiful, talented, special, powerful, selfless, kind, funny girl?
I will miss you more than anyone else.
And I will remember you.
When my new dark hours come, I will remember what you have told me.
I promised you, after all. And I keep my promises.



*Especially yours.

I really haven't treated you right. It's unfair.
And yet you still put up w?ith me. I owe you so much.


You've been through hell and back. I wish I were nicer.
Instead I only added to your problems.

You'll shrug it off, say it's okay. But I know it's not.

I will remember you. You were funny, and you were there.
That's all one can truly ask for, isn't it?
You, Sir, will not be forgotten.

You were always quiet. Reserved. Cool and collected.

All that went out the window when someone learned who you truly were.

I feel lucky to have learned a fraction of it.
Your writing abilities make me wonder what website you're ripping these from because holy s**t nobody's that good. It always leaves me wanting more.

All good things come to an end, of course. Including my time knowing you.
But I'm going to leave with a lot of regrets from last year.
If I hadn't been so **** stupid, maybe I would've gotten to know you better.
I wish I could have.


Your piano skills are dumbfounding. I think my mouth dropped open and remained that way the entire duration of your song during the talent show.
It makes me sad that you don't play more.

You have given me a fresh set of memories to enjoy. I will cherish them.
And I will remember you. I promise you this. As much as I've broken every other promise, I will keep this one.
I will remember you.
Always.

You're different. Distinctly so.
When I first started talking to you, everyone you met was playing the same track on repeat.
I was no exception.
I lost your trust just like everybody else, and I legitimately lost sleep over how much I regretted it.
That didn't change anything, of course.
Why should I be treated different?

I learned a valuable lesson from it. I just wish I hadn't.
Because then I could have learned it later. And known you better.
But that's the thing about lessons-they're effective most if they cause pain.
I'll miss you. Your amazing writing abilities, your sarcasm that was actually funny, your unbelievable dedication to academics..and your running. Because it all tied you together.

I will remember you.
There's no way I couldn't.

I am indebted to you, truly. For being there when nobody else cared.
For dozens upon dozens of nights filled with suffering, loss, tears, and blood.
For being my go-to listener. For teaching me to help myself and love myself.

Of course, you originally listened. And that's what I needed.
But things got worse. And then you finally told me that it's not enough. I need to actively help myself.
Naturally, I didn't listen although I should have.
It took 3 weeks of no contact for me to realize how ******* RIGHT you were. Of course you were. You always were. And still are.
Of course, I tried to help you too. I was a good ear (even though mine aren't), and over the years we've built a friendship specifically designed to last, if not the rest of our lives, then a VERY long time.
We know each other. But I especially feel privileged.
To have known someone as talented, beautiful, caring, funny, helpful, supportive, independent, and intelligent as you (although you don't really think you're that last one).
Our relationship was more electronic than anything.
For the past three years, I've disliked that more than anything else about our relationship.
But reflecting on it...maybe it was right.
Perhaps it was the only way it would work. We were in only partially connected social groups, and our personalities weren't really well designed for a more face-to-face relationship that I've developed with others.
Looking back on it..I don't think I would have had it any other way.
I cannot thank you enough. I really, truly can't. So I won't bother to try. I will look forward, and only forward, as you've taught me to do.
Because it does get better. We'd both know. We've seen each other grow out of our problems, laugh at them, and then deal with the new ones. Finally, we've reached a point where we're both happy.

Isn't it splendid?
While I will definitely miss seeing you (because hell if I don't find you really attractive), I won't miss you nearly as much as I will miss others.
With others, we talk about how we'll stay in touch, but rarely do we actually do so.
With you, I know I'll keep talking to you. Our relationship will continue to grow, and my departure is perfectly timed-our relationship has reached a level of trust that cannot go much higher (if it did, it'd kinda get really weird and awkward and personal).

So I view this as a bump in the road more than anything else. Our friendship will continue.
And I will remember you. I will remember you as you grow to chase your dreams that seemed light years away but are now in our atmosphere. And with your head in the clouds, it will be comparatively easy.
In short, I love you. I will miss you. I will never forget you.
And I will look forward to a lifetime of correspondence.

I have to say, thank you
for the valuable lesson you taught
That I can't trust you too,
That this was all for naught.

I thought you truly cared,
But I was completely wrong,
and my trust won't be repaired,
Although you knew all along.

You used me for self-gain
Of that there is no doubt
And you've caused me much pain,
In our friendship throughout.

*In closing,
The day I trust you again
Will be the day I have sold my soul.

Fire, pain and flashes
Screams, cries and moans
Begs for help, begs for mercy
Walls where air should be
Air where walls should be

I'd listen to you
But the voices in my head tell me not to.

It's the simplest truths
That I find the most difficult to accept.

I ruined our friendship
Just when I needed you the most
And it's clearly my fault
Because lately everything is.

My walls are crumbling down
And I'm not stopping them this time.

Because nobody appreciates
how hard I try to keep them up...

Not much can be said
For a teacher who dislikes their job
Who would rather be elsewhere,
Who teach because they ended up doing it
Instead of enjoying it.
For a teacher who dislikes their job
In a way, does not, can not, and should not teach.
They don't teach, because they do not inspire students
They can't teach, because they can't inspire their students
And because they can't inspire their students, they shouldn't teach.

Ones who are skilled go by unnoticed;
While the unskilled ones get all the attention.
Why is that, I ask?

I'm battling with myself
It doesn't help when my friend continually says "Wanna die?"
"Sure!" I say cynically.
Or at least you think it's sarcasm...

What genius waits until 5 minutes after all my work is completed for the night and THEN sets off the fire alarm? D:<

For six months
I stood by your side
Begging you to come back
Because I needed you
I loved you
I still do
And I need you.
You made my life complete
You made it actually MEAN something
A world where I was actually happy
And I would wait
Knowing that'd you'd recover
Because I was naive
But then you met Death
Cold, silent, and unfeeling
He took you away
And I've never been the same since.
*But I know, deep in my heart, that Heaven needed another angel, but I can't help but wish they could send you back just for a bit.

"What did I do wrong?"
The most ironic statement ever, coming from you, you heartbreaker.
I used to love you until I learned what true evil is
It's you.
Every day after you hurt me
I would come home crying, asking myself
"What did I do wrong!?"
And you have the audacity to ask that.
Shut up.

You want me to stay here
I don't
But I do
To keep people happy
So never mind how bad I feel,
What can I do for YOU?
That's why I'm here
That's why I stopped cutting
And I'm not being cynical
I mean it.
*What do YOU want?

I go on
Life goes on
But what would happen
If I didn't?
Would the world mourn
or laugh?
Would the world cry
or smile?

Or would the world
Be indifferent?
After all
I'm one in 7 billion
The world's not going to be affected
By one person gone.
Yet I stay here.

You
You're my friend
I love you
But I hate you too.
You want me
to stay alive
When all I want
is to die
You ask me
to stick around
When I just need
To say goodbye

And I know
that later
I'll be happy you told me to remain here
But for now
I hate you.

Deep in the meadow
Under the willow
A bed of grass,
A soft green pillow
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when they open again, the sun will rise.
Here it's safe, here it's warm.
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.

Deep in the meadow, hidden far away
A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay
And when again it's morning, they'll wash away.
Here it's safe, here it's warm.
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.

Why do you have to be so pretty?
Why do you have to be so kind?
Why do you have to be so selfless?
Most importantly,
*Why do you have to be with someone else?

Why bother trying so hard?
It's not doing anything....
It's not like anyone pays enough attention to know the difference....

I'm not here for myself.
I'm here for the people who care about me
and for her.
*That might not be motivation enough...

...has nothing to do with it.

She doesn't understand
How he loves her....
How she's one of the reasons why he gets up in the morning
How she can put a smile on his face
She doesn't realize how special she is
How his face lights up when he sees hers
And how dazzled he is when she smiles....

He can only hope
That she, someday, may have feelings for him too.

I have an extraordinarily bad way with words.
And my bad structure has done it again.
-_-

Words can only go so far....

This is the worst possible time
For all this added stress.

There was literally no other way, was there?
This HAD to happen now.

There's no such thing as "worst."
It can ALWAYS get worse.

*But that doesn't mean it will.

Wow guys....
Thank you!
I'm not really the best writer, but I appreciate that you take the time to both read my poems and offer feedback :)
That type of stuff is probably one of the only things keeping me going.
Thank you! :)

You're beautiful, but I don't care.
You're smart, but I don't care.
You're talented, but I don't care.
I only care about who you are,
and I love what I see.

You are amazing.
You are kind.
You are pretty/handsome.
You are not without flaws, but that's what makes you, you.
You may feel sad in life, but trust me
Nobody in the world could do a better job being you.
You are creative.
You are nice to be around.
You are not without flaws, but that's what makes you, you.
You may struggle in life, but trust me
Nobody in the world could do a better job being you.

You are a
special
unique
individual

*And that's why you're a wonderful person. Don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise.

I look into your eyes
And I want to cry
Because what I see
Is pure and good
Not tainted with evils
but with an unfortunate past
One that I want to help you forget
With better memories
Of you and me :)