It figures that when I finally realize the full extent of what I've done,
You're so far away that by the time I see you again it'll be far too late.

-

I heard about you;
What you've been through
What you go through
And you hide it so well
You somehow find the ability to smile.
I'm scared for you
But I love you
And I want to help you
You're deserving of help *more than anyone I know.

I wonder....will I crack like an egg?
or shatter like glass?
Maybe I'll snap like a twig instead
Or maybe it's none of these
Maybe I'll *make it through.

Finally, a sweet sweet break from the horror :)

It was the worst kind of death. Not the physical death-no, this was much worse than that.

This was the death of souls. Hopes, lives, dreams, crushed, exterminated, obliterated. It was the death of everything it meant to be human.

Emotions didn't exist. Numbness was an inevitable factor of this horrible place. There was no escape.
They didn't have to worry about escape. No person, no soul, no spirit survived the factory of death.
As all factories do, products were made. In this case, the products were the mindless, numb, empty shells of what were once lively, happy human bodies. Every year was a fresh batch, ripe for a more advanced death factory. There was no reason for it, either. Money ended up being lost for the factories of death. There was no purpose. No escape. No heaven. No hell. Endless purgatory.

Suicide was illegal and impossible, since it was  *a crime to destroy government property.

I've hurt a friend again....
WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

Have you ever wished upon a leaf?
Never ending, never breathing
Never stopping, never ceasing
Whistles and whispers
Red leaves are picked up off the road
The cracked, riveted, chipped road
Made of asphalt and ice
Wiry and spindly
The leaf soars through the air,
Joined by sunset orange and
sunrise yellow counterparts..
Have you ever wished upon a leaf?
Leaf piles bigger than bushes and mounds
Causing laughter abound and high spirits
Getting everywhere, getting damp
Rains pouring with a melancholy force
Petrichor rising from the ground
Filling every orifice with the smell
Have you ever wished upon a leaf?
A last wish, a final wish
Of love, of hope
Of happiness, of success
A meaningful wish, a last-ditch wish
That maybe, in the end, everything
will be okay?

The worst kind of loneliness
Is being alone with your pain....

I am many things.
VERY many things.
But I am NOT happy.

Clank, Crash, Thud. Machinery. Ever. Working.
Glimmering sparks dance in the gaps between the flames of the metal.
There has never yet been as beautiful a sight as that of infinite possibilities.
And, yet, as it always has, the sparks begin to take a definite shape.
The shape constantly evolves, with five definite points connected to a central.
The gleaming sparks no longer have a mind of their own, and a human shape is clear.
As soon as this is apparent, the sparks vanish as suddenly as they came.


It had been done.


Given the blueprint, machines were able to do something previously thought impossible; Give a hunk of metal life.

DNA had been replaced with binary, muscles replaced with circuits. And yet, it was alive. it was conscious of itself. What a scary and beautiful thing, that wires can replace veins and steel can replace bone.

And yet, as if nothing had happened, the newly formed man stood up, opened a door, and stepped out into the real world.

If you're suicidal, keep reading. This highlights my experiences when I was in such a place, and you may find help.

If you're suicidal:
I'm not going to tell you NOT to **** yourself. But I ask that before you do so, at least read this paragraph and attempt some of this advice.

Suicidal thoughts are completely normal. They're caused when pain exceeds the available resources for coping with pain. Naturally, this would cause suicidal thoughts. But it's OKAY.

You're not a bad, weak, or crazy person. Some people have different tolerance levels for pain. It doesn't make you a weak or bad person if you're less tolerant than someone else.
If you're still reading this, good for you :) Stick with me for a little while longer.
When I was suicidal, that was it. There was nothing else that I wanted more than to die.
I wanted to die, die, die.
I'm a worthless person. A stupid person. A horrible person (because no good person would deserve this torture. I'm an abomination, to be wiped clean off the face of the Earth. That's my purpose.
Those were the types of thoughts running through my head, 24/7.
All of those were wrong. And if you believe any of the above apply to yourself, keep reading.
You're not worthless, you're quite the opposite.
You're priceless.
Intelligence doesn't matter a bit compared to personality.
You're not a horrible person. Even if you did something bad, it's not like you killed someone. You are worthy of forgiveness, if you did something. Bad things happen to good people a lot.
If you didn't, then ignore that last part. (Thanks for sticking with me so long :) )
You're not an abomination. You're a unique individual, who has a purpose in life. What is it? That's for you to figure out (hint: it's not killing yourself).
Okay, this is what I recommend you do. Give yourself a deadline. 24 hours, a week, even a month. Tell yourself that you won't do anything until you hit that deadline. During this time, find someone you trust. Anyone (who you know won't go to a therapist or rush you to a hospital). If you REALLY can't find anyone, message me. I'll listen, and I promise I won't judge :)
During the time period, think of all the good things that happened to you. And don't say "Nothing." That's impossible. Summer vacations with family? Family bonding experiences? Hanging out with friends? Your first time swimming? When your sports team won/you found out your crush liked you back? All of these. Think about how happy you were. Now, don't make a plan to get yourself out of the depression (Everyone would get themselves out of a depression ASAP if they could do it that easily). I want you, instead, to imagine what your past-self would think if they saw what you were contemplating right now. Imagine what they would say, and listen to your own advice.
Finally, I recommend calling a suicide hotline.
As a last resort, and I mean LAST resort, imagine what your death would do to your family and friends (Don't lie, I guarantee you 100% there's someone out there who cares about you). Imagine how devastated they would be. Then imagine you causing it. Would you do that to them? Could you honestly live with yourself (no pun intended) knowing that you did that?
If you're still reading, congratulations :) stay strong, and find more resources to cope with your pain. There are so many things to live for, so many things to see, or do, that you (likely) haven't experienced yet.

Feel better soon! :)

(P.S. If this cheers you up, just know that it's likely that you WILL live through this. It's statistically true. Even people who feel as bad as you do, and quite possibly people who feel WORSE than you.)

This is actually copy pasted from a suicide forum, but it's true.

Self Harm: Before you self harm, Read this
....before you make that first cut remember:
You will enjoy this.
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep,
And will heal easily ...
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will sometimes take months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body,
Think again...
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will **** back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth
of your shirt, or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your
entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and
covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
And you are gasping....
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't
tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far
again...
But you will, and further.
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that
you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself
spending 20, 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the
counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips...
3 or four different kinds of dressings...
Betadine....
Antibiotic cream..
Medical tape..
Scar reducers.....
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move
and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same
supplies...
Someone who understands but of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots... gloves.. the list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way...
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI...
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it ..
As your eyes scan their wrists + arms...
Hoping just hoping they will be like you....
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood..
Scrubbing your bathroom floor...
Wiping the blood of your keyboard...
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting
tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will
find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A
normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you
have fleas or a skin disease."
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully..
You will dream about cutting...
you will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will
wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting...
At the same time, you love it and can't live with out it...
Note: I'm hypocritical to send this, but it still needs to be sent. It actually got really far for me before I told someone and was told to stop and I finally did.

My sadness has turned into pure anger and fury.
I wonder what will happen next.

Open the ornate gates, what do you see?
I see spinning stars and dancing galaxies.
Lower the drawbridge, what do you find?
I find a beautiful place ravaged by time.
Unlock the palace door, what is inside?
I spot rolling green hills stretched far and wide.
Look into my eyes, what lies within?
Inside lies a boy with patience wearing thin.

What do you see? What do you find?
*What within do you think lies inside?

Start with a bowl of laziness
And some lack of motivation
Mix in with some carelessness
And a ton of procrastination.

Add just a pinch of dumb
And just one dash of cheap
Prepare for what may come
With a profound lack of sleep.

Keep cold for a month
And don’t forget some mean
For now your recipe is done
And will shatter all your dreams.

I'm back.
To the gates of hell.
Now, maybe that's being dramatic, but she did fall here.
The center of my life.
The person who completed me.
The person I loved (still do, actually).
She left my life six months later.
To think that in the 4 days preceding the fall, so many memories were created.
Happy ones.
They come flooding back to me now.

Your dreams are where your heart is
They're more fragile than life itself
Over and over you cast them aside,
only to find more
Now, rest in peace
Pounding impulses defile the things we wish for
and the more we forget
the more we remember again
In this beautiful, cruel world
all I can do is ask why we're still alive
Oh, with our strength--and our weakness--
What are we going to protect if there's no sense
to anything anymore?

It is moments such as a sunrise, the beginning of a new day,
That I hope that things will not always have to be this way.

But in nights like these, when the sun's heat is gone from the air,
These are the times when I tend to fall into complete despair.

Before you
I didn't know love.
Before you
I didn't know true happiness
Before you
I didn't know the pain of loss
Before you
I didn't know what it was to shed so many tears
Before you
I didn't know how one person could so change my life.
I love you....why did you have to leave me?

Bittersweet
My life is an act
I’m not who I say I am
I’m like a smart idiot.
If only you realized
Behind the laughter, jokes and immaturity
Lay a quiet, emotional kid
Who sits outside every day
And watches the sun set,
vibrant orange and brilliant red,
big bands and sharp streaks,
taken directly from a rainbow.
I can only rarely come out of my shell in person
Because cruelty and bullying, cunning and evil
Lie in wait
Waiting to destroy my vulnerable self
and shatter it into a million pieces.

It's a bad night when crying doesn't help.

Would you stop!?
Can't you see what you're doing to me? Are you THAT blind?
Can't you hear my silent screams of agony?
...but would you stop it, though, if you knew what you were causing?
Or, if you pushed me over the edge, would you dance on my grave, cackling madly?

I just don't know when it comes to you
You think I'm a game
My mind the board
My emotions the pieces
STOP PLAYING WITH THEM!
Perhaps you forgot
That these "pieces" are made of glass
...but again, would you change anything
If you knew what you were doing?

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken rather than get hurt trying to fix it.

You say this time will be different
But you never change
You always say this time will be different
But you never change
You endlessly say this time will be different
But you never change.

Like a broken record...
Some things never change.

I just CANNOT do this anymore.
I can't.
I can't.
I WON'T.
How am I supposed to, when I see things that aren't there?
Have nightmares that last for months?
Have a broken heart?
Have scars from cuts?
I want to die.
*HELP ME

I don't care about my feelings anymore.


*All I care about is your happiness

Are you being honest?
Or are you telling me what you think I want to hear?

Do you think I just don't care?

Don't you see how much it hurts to know you're suffering?

And not be able to do anything about it?

Let me help you...

I know I've made mistakes....
And that's why you don't trust me....
But you deserve happiness....

What do you DON'T deserve is all the suffering you deal with.

I don't think you understand.

When I'm talking to you, my problems are melting away
Because I'm scared for you
And want to help you
If only you'd let me in



But then again
You'd know what's best for you

And I haven't been the best of friends
I've broken your trust and lied to you
I wouldn't trust me if I were in your position right now either.
But I still wish you did....because I care and want to help
But lately every conversation we have leaves me more and more confused about how you're doing.

*Feel better soon!

One after another, everything piles up
Is there an escape?

Unknown are the names
of the flowers that have been trampled
Birds have fallen to the Earth
and long for the wind
Prayers won't solve anything
Only the will to fight
can change the here and now!
O pigs who laugh at the resolve
to walk over corpses to move forward
Livestock complacency? False prosperity?
Give us the freedom of dying,
starving wolves!
The humiliation of being caged
is what triggers us to fight back
We hunters slaughter prey
beyond the castle walls,
consumed with surging bloodlust,
as our crimson bows and arrows
pierce scarlet holes into the twilight.

Your body was lowered into the ground
Tears poured down my face
My heart, already shattered,
was being pulverized with every beat
The agony was too great
A few weeks later
I failed to **** myself
I failed to join you
I will someday...hopefully soon.

Dear Light,
I can't imagine a world without you! It'd be very dark.
You're so Near to the end, and you've been working so hard. You should be more Mello, some would **** for your abilities.
On an unrelated note, have you heard R.E.M. recently? I love them to death! You should try them, even if you don't have an eye for that sort of thing.
I'll love you till the end,
-Misa

Well I've cracked.
All that stress about what would happen
And nothing's different...

The most beautiful and perfect thoughts, instances,
Can be, with the right mind, turned into a grimy, mushy slime,
Or lost completely.
The most lovely and flawless sounds,
Can be, with the right ears, twisted into
Unintelligible gibberish and gobbledegook
Or missed completely.
The most divine and impeccable sights
Can be, with the right eyes, morphed into senseless shapes and forms,
Or avoided completely.
They're never kept,
Always lost on me.
I'm a bad game of telephone, a malformed lump of coal once surrounded by others.
Pressure wouldn't settle for anything less than the best out of them.
What works for them breaks for me.
I'm a bad game of telephone.

So I looked up the word hope in the dictionary today...

hope |hōp|
A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

Then I decided to read the definition for expectation.

expectation |ˌekspekˈtā sh ən|
A strong belief that something will occur, or will be lived up to.

Then I decided to read the definition for lived.

lived |liv'd|
To have been alive at a specified point in the past.

Then I decided to read the definition for past.

past |past|
The time or a period of time before the moment of speaking or writing.

Then I decided to read the definition for moment.

moment |ˈmōmənt|
An exact point in time.

Then I decided to read the definition for exact.

exact |igˈzakt|
Not approximated in any way; precise.

Now, I don't know if my brain meant to do this or not,
But the first letter of every word I looked up spells *"Help me."

I most certainly am.

Don't pick up that knife,
Don't you cut your arm.
Don't try to take your life,
Don't do yourself harm.

I cared about you all along.
I thought you were okay,
Apparently I was wrong,
But it doesn't have to be this way.

I beg you, put that away,
It's not the right thing to do.
I'd know, and for you I pray
That you will make it through.

I've known you for so long,
And I will for many years to come.
So put that knife where it belongs,
And please stop being so glum.

Please just stop this now.
Please don't follow my path.
Please don't make my mistakes.
*Please put that knife away.

Help me*
Nah don't worry about me, how are you?

I don't want to be a celebrity.
I don't want to be famous, or popular.
I do want to be happy.
But each day, the third one seems harder and harder...
Soon, it'll be easier to become a celebrity than be happy.

But it was so easy before!
Is there a trick?
Some button I can push, some code I can type in?
Anything I can do?
Because I need it more than anything...

Now I've even lied to my friends
Of COURSE I'm not happy
Of COURSE I'm still schizophrenic
It's all happening....
I thought if I pretended to be happy
I might actually become happy...
Oh, how desperate and naive I was....

We were inseparable
And you were ripped away from me
And I miss you
And I need you
And I love you
And I may have to wait 60 years
But we will be joined again
Because I can't live without you
You are both the reason
Why my heart is beating
And why it wants to stop
Because wherever you are
Is my home
*And I want to come home.

My life will be.
*Not to be taken seriously, just wishful thinking.

Try as I might
You just
Won't
Let
Me
Escape

Every time, I'm disappointed
I shouldn't be, because it means I care too much about you.
You couldn't control it and even if you could, it doesn't matter
You've already done too much for me,

*But I'm selfish

Sorry, could you repeat that honestly this time? My hearing aids have a filter for obvious lies.

No matter who you are
I will extend a hand...
No matter what you've done
I will help you out...
No matter why you're sad
I will cheer you up...

Because I know what it's like to be alone...

I remember seeing
Her slip ever so slightly
And fall
over
I remember watching
As she sped towards
the ground
crunch
I remember hearing
The sound of her
broken bones
shattering
Which sounded
at the same time
As my heart.
I remember tripping
Down the stairs
In my haste
crying
I remember holding
Her broken body
In my arms
"Come back!"
I remember her
eyes locking on to mine
For just a moment
Before they faded away....
*And I may love another
But never like her