Try as I might
You just
Won't
Let
Me
Escape

What will it take, for this old mind to break?
How much stress is too much?
Do I dare find out?

Would you stop!?
Can't you see what you're doing to me? Are you THAT blind?
Can't you hear my silent screams of agony?
...but would you stop it, though, if you knew what you were causing?
Or, if you pushed me over the edge, would you dance on my grave, cackling madly?

I just don't know when it comes to you
You think I'm a game
My mind the board
My emotions the pieces
STOP PLAYING WITH THEM!
Perhaps you forgot
That these "pieces" are made of glass
...but again, would you change anything
If you knew what you were doing?

One after another, everything piles up
Is there an escape?

There is one question that I ponder every second of every day...
*What is happiness, and how do I attain it?

There's no such thing as "worst."
It can ALWAYS get worse.

*But that doesn't mean it will.

The only thing I have left that keeps me going
Is that nobody could be me more than I could
So now I wait
For the day
When that is no longer true
Because everything else is gone
Why would this one stay?

It figures that when I finally realize the full extent of what I've done,
You're so far away that by the time I see you again it'll be far too late.

I believe
That in times of extreme stress, be it physical, emotional, or mental
The mind retreats
And unconsciously moves through life
Because the conscious mind is no longer capable of doing so
I am at that point on two counts.

I don't want to be a celebrity.
I don't want to be famous, or popular.
I do want to be happy.
But each day, the third one seems harder and harder...
Soon, it'll be easier to become a celebrity than be happy.

But it was so easy before!
Is there a trick?
Some button I can push, some code I can type in?
Anything I can do?
Because I need it more than anything...

It's a bad night when crying doesn't help.

It's too late.
I've cracked....

Yes, I'm fine. I'm all better now!
I wish...
Oh I'm sorry I let that slip, didn't I? Don't worry, I'm fine that didn't mean anything ;)

It's one of those days....
I ******* this up, I ******* that up
*Why can't I do ANYTHING right?

My life will be.
*Not to be taken seriously, just wishful thinking.

You want me to stay here
I don't
But I do
To keep people happy
So never mind how bad I feel,
What can I do for YOU?
That's why I'm here
That's why I stopped cutting
And I'm not being cynical
I mean it.
*What do YOU want?

I remember seeing
Her slip ever so slightly
And fall
over
I remember watching
As she sped towards
the ground
crunch
I remember hearing
The sound of her
broken bones
shattering
Which sounded
at the same time
As my heart.
I remember tripping
Down the stairs
In my haste
crying
I remember holding
Her broken body
In my arms
"Come back!"
I remember her
eyes locking on to mine
For just a moment
Before they faded away....
*And I may love another
But never like her

Why do you have to be so pretty?
Why do you have to be so kind?
Why do you have to be so selfless?
Most importantly,
*Why do you have to be with someone else?

I want to cry
but I have no shoulder to cry on...

I want a hug
But I have no one to hug me...

I want some help
But I have no person to rely on...

Worst of all, I have one person to do all these things with,
*but I can't overwhelm them or I'll lose them

In the heat of the moment
I never think things through
And, being myself,
I ALWAYS mess it up.

No matter who you are
I will extend a hand...
No matter what you've done
I will help you out...
No matter why you're sad
I will cheer you up...

Because I know what it's like to be alone...

I've hurt a friend again....
WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

All everyone talks about is "you'll need this in the future, you'll regret doing that in the future, prepare for the future, blah, blah blah, blah blah."
I can't see ahead, I really can't.
So why do I have to put up with this?
Leave me alone, I can work just fine by myself.

Brick walls (not physical ones)  are there for the sole purpose to show how hard we want something.....
I want her back.
I want to be happy.
I want to not see things.
I want an optimistic perspective.
But how hard I try
I just can't do it...

"Are you okay?" you ask.

Am I okay?

I'm in so much pain I'm going crazy...seeing things that I don't think are real...crying myself to sleep every night...

"I'm fine!" I say, smiling.

Oh, if only you knew how untrue that is...

Finally, a sweet sweet break from the horror :)

The number of years it's been,
The number of times I've tried to join you since,
And the number of days left until your memory is celebrated.

It's not about how much you've been through
"But you've been through so much more"
If you don't want to talk to me ONLY because of that
That is completely stupid.
I want to hear your story.
I want to help you
I'm not going to scoff
and go
"That's it?! You're weak!"
I'm going to listen.

**Everyone is deserving of help, it doesn't matter what they've been through or how bad it is.

I am many things.
VERY many things.
But I am NOT happy.

I ruined our friendship
Just when I needed you the most
And it's clearly my fault
Because lately everything is.

Every day after that
I cried for hours
I locked myself in my room
And isolated
I had nobody to talk to anyways
Then I found someone
Who I could talk to
And I could breathe again.

I can't get the muscles in my face to work that way...weird.

It's not nobody is hearing my cry for help
It's that I'm afraid to call loudly

-

The worst kind of loneliness
Is being alone with your pain....

I expected
That once I was happy
The horrors wouldn't come back.
But, of course, I was wrong.
Like always.

I love you,
not only for who you are,
but for who I am when I am with you.

I loved one before
and I thought I would never love the same way again.

But now, I see you in a new light
And it's happening all over again.

For six months
I stood by your side
Begging you to come back
Because I needed you
I loved you
I still do
And I need you.
You made my life complete
You made it actually MEAN something
A world where I was actually happy
And I would wait
Knowing that'd you'd recover
Because I was naive
But then you met Death
Cold, silent, and unfeeling
He took you away
And I've never been the same since.
*But I know, deep in my heart, that Heaven needed another angel, but I can't help but wish they could send you back just for a bit.

Before you
I didn't know love.
Before you
I didn't know true happiness
Before you
I didn't know the pain of loss
Before you
I didn't know what it was to shed so many tears
Before you
I didn't know how one person could so change my life.
I love you....why did you have to leave me?

I look into your eyes
And I want to cry
Because what I see
Is pure and good
Not tainted with evils
but with an unfortunate past
One that I want to help you forget
With better memories
Of you and me :)

You
You're my friend
I love you
But I hate you too.
You want me
to stay alive
When all I want
is to die
You ask me
to stick around
When I just need
To say goodbye

And I know
that later
I'll be happy you told me to remain here
But for now
I hate you.

I most certainly am.

I go on
Life goes on
But what would happen
If I didn't?
Would the world mourn
or laugh?
Would the world cry
or smile?

Or would the world
Be indifferent?
After all
I'm one in 7 billion
The world's not going to be affected
By one person gone.
Yet I stay here.

Words can only go so far....

There are some wounds
That even time can't heal.
Like this one....