It's the simplest truths
That I find the most difficult to accept.

What is WRONG with people?!
Almost everyone I talk to
Has been in a horrible place
Or currently is
And we all mask it
Because one or two people hurt us
When so many more people need each other
So we suffer in silence
And I'm no stranger to this.

People are just so cruel.
So horrible.
So EVIL.

And even the kind people
make mistakes that hurt
And I've done that too.

But others deliberately hurt.

They cause us to close up.
They cause us to want to die.
They cause us to cry ourselves to sleep.
They cause us to suffer.
And they teach us what will happen if we're open about it.

They need to be punished.
They WILL be punished.
Even if I have to carry it out myself
I swear to everything I hold dearly,

THEY. WILL. NOT. GET. AWAY. WITH. IT. ANYMORE.

Music is beautiful.

Music unites so many people, it can also define them.

Music is another universal language.

Music is perfect.

Music has so many different categories. One for everyone.

Music as a whole cannot be justifiably hated.

Music is the reason why some people are still with us.

Music is infinite.

Music is food for the soul.

Music is everything, and yet it is so little.

Music is just notes arranged in an order.

But the order is beautiful.

And, just like a circle (of fifths), we're back to the beginning; music is beautiful.

I watch the sun
Paint the horizon
With beautiful colors
What an amazing sight!

Oranges and Reds, Purples and Blues
All in perfect harmony.

I am awed, for a second, at the spectacular beauty of it, and the sun itself

But then I think of your face, and suddenly the sunset is just splashes of boring, dull colors
And I think of your smile
And the sun is suddenly a tiny, dim dot in the sky.

Why?

I have an extraordinarily bad way with words.
And my bad structure has done it again.
-_-

Bittersweet
My life is an act
I’m not who I say I am
I’m like a smart idiot.
If only you realized
Behind the laughter, jokes and immaturity
Lay a quiet, emotional kid
Who sits outside every day
And watches the sun set,
vibrant orange and brilliant red,
big bands and sharp streaks,
taken directly from a rainbow.
I can only rarely come out of my shell in person
Because cruelty and bullying, cunning and evil
Lie in wait
Waiting to destroy my vulnerable self
and shatter it into a million pieces.

Are you being honest?
Or are you telling me what you think I want to hear?

Do you think I just don't care?

Don't you see how much it hurts to know you're suffering?

And not be able to do anything about it?

Let me help you...

I know I've made mistakes....
And that's why you don't trust me....
But you deserve happiness....

What do you DON'T deserve is all the suffering you deal with.

I don't think you understand.

When I'm talking to you, my problems are melting away
Because I'm scared for you
And want to help you
If only you'd let me in



But then again
You'd know what's best for you

And I haven't been the best of friends
I've broken your trust and lied to you
I wouldn't trust me if I were in your position right now either.
But I still wish you did....because I care and want to help
But lately every conversation we have leaves me more and more confused about how you're doing.

*Feel better soon!

Finally, a sweet sweet break from the horror :)

The number of things looking up for me today....
I'm not locked in a psych ward and everything went well.
I haven't seen anything that wasn't there so far.
And, I imagine, when I squeeze my eyes shut tonight in wait  for the nightmares, when I open them, it will be morning, and I will not have had nightmares at all.

Well...here I go....
What will happen?
Will I get the help I so desperately need?
Or locked up in a psych ward?

My entire life path
Be free or be suffocated

Decided in less than an hour.

Knife?
Check.
Suicide notes?
Check.
Determination?
Check, check, check.

I slide the knife into my chest, smiling.
Blood spills out onto my shirt
But I feel fine!
I wait, but I appear to have missed.

Slowly, I pull the now blood-coated knife out.
Oh well, second time's the charm.

I hear my name called before I can try again

And that's how I'm alive right now.

The knife was too short; it just missed my heart.
Well, that was a reality check.....

I am many things.
VERY many things.
But I am NOT happy.

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it broken rather than get hurt trying to fix it.

It'll be okay
It'll be okay
It'll be okay*
That's what I tell myself.
Oh, what a liar I am....

I just CANNOT do this anymore.
I can't.
I can't.
I WON'T.
How am I supposed to, when I see things that aren't there?
Have nightmares that last for months?
Have a broken heart?
Have scars from cuts?
I want to die.
*HELP ME

My sadness has turned into pure anger and fury.
I wonder what will happen next.

Some people
Are amazing listeners, following dreams they seem impossible
They may not know what to say
They're very forgiving, cherish them.

Others
Have been hurt so many times, but they
Know the best advice for you
Even if you don't, they're right
Hold them closely, because if you mess up, they may never trust you again

Some are blunt
They can infuriate you
But they're right as well
They're telling you what you need to hear. Heed their words.

Still others are quiet
They're overlooked easily
But they're amazing people
Get to know them, you'll never regret it.

Some are beacons of light
They know just what to say to cheer you up
They are deeply emotional
You need that influence in your life.

Then there are people like me
Who can't see themselves for who they are
Who can't see that it will ever get better
Who need help
who cry themselves to sleep and then have nightmares
Who want to die.
Help these people, when they're happy, you won't regret it.

To question reality
To see horrible things
That you know in your brain aren't there
But break your heart all the same
Is a fate nobody deserves

*Nobody but me....

One day, I'm begging for help, screaming and crying
Another day, I'm silent, knowing that I don't deserve it.

Thus, I end up getting help when I don't feel I deserve it and not getting it when I desperately need it.

*I hate rollercoasters like that.

Wow guys....
Thank you!
I'm not really the best writer, but I appreciate that you take the time to both read my poems and offer feedback :)
That type of stuff is probably one of the only things keeping me going.
Thank you! :)

In the heat of the moment
I never think things through
And, being myself,
I ALWAYS mess it up.

It's not nobody is hearing my cry for help
It's that I'm afraid to call loudly

This is actually copy pasted from a suicide forum, but it's true.

Self Harm: Before you self harm, Read this
....before you make that first cut remember:
You will enjoy this.
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep,
And will heal easily ...
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will sometimes take months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body,
Think again...
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live ....
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will **** back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth
of your shirt, or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100....Be prepared for your
entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting ..cutting and
covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
And you are gasping....
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can't
tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be ok swearing you'll never let it go this far
again...
But you will, and further.
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that
you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts the deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself
spending 20, 30 or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the
counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips...
3 or four different kinds of dressings...
Betadine....
Antibiotic cream..
Medical tape..
Scar reducers.....
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move
and no one will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice...
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same
supplies...
Someone who understands but of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe...
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots... gloves.. the list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way...
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI...
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it ..
As your eyes scan their wrists + arms...
Hoping just hoping they will be like you....
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so know one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood..
Scrubbing your bathroom floor...
Wiping the blood of your keyboard...
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting....
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate anything will be a cutting
tool ...scissors...a car key...a needle ... a paperclip..even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will
find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops. A
normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch ..."so much you will look like you
have fleas or a skin disease."
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully..
You will dream about cutting...
you will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will
wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting...
At the same time, you love it and can't live with out it...
Note: I'm hypocritical to send this, but it still needs to be sent. It actually got really far for me before I told someone and was told to stop and I finally did.

You want me to stay here
I don't
But I do
To keep people happy
So never mind how bad I feel,
What can I do for YOU?
That's why I'm here
That's why I stopped cutting
And I'm not being cynical
I mean it.
*What do YOU want?

Help me*
Nah don't worry about me, how are you?

Suicide's too good for me.

Help me
I mean, I'm okay.
I want to die
I mean, I'm okay.
I can't take this anymore*
I mean, I'm okay.

I'm not here for myself.
I'm here for the people who care about me
and for her.
*That might not be motivation enough...

My life will be.
*Not to be taken seriously, just wishful thinking.

We were inseparable
And you were ripped away from me
And I miss you
And I need you
And I love you
And I may have to wait 60 years
But we will be joined again
Because I can't live without you
You are both the reason
Why my heart is beating
And why it wants to stop
Because wherever you are
Is my home
*And I want to come home.

Every day after that
I cried for hours
I locked myself in my room
And isolated
I had nobody to talk to anyways
Then I found someone
Who I could talk to
And I could breathe again.

Your body was lowered into the ground
Tears poured down my face
My heart, already shattered,
was being pulverized with every beat
The agony was too great
A few weeks later
I failed to **** myself
I failed to join you
I will someday...hopefully soon.

For six months
I stood by your side
Begging you to come back
Because I needed you
I loved you
I still do
And I need you.
You made my life complete
You made it actually MEAN something
A world where I was actually happy
And I would wait
Knowing that'd you'd recover
Because I was naive
But then you met Death
Cold, silent, and unfeeling
He took you away
And I've never been the same since.
*But I know, deep in my heart, that Heaven needed another angel, but I can't help but wish they could send you back just for a bit.

I remember seeing
Her slip ever so slightly
And fall
over
I remember watching
As she sped towards
the ground
crunch
I remember hearing
The sound of her
broken bones
shattering
Which sounded
at the same time
As my heart.
I remember tripping
Down the stairs
In my haste
crying
I remember holding
Her broken body
In my arms
"Come back!"
I remember her
eyes locking on to mine
For just a moment
Before they faded away....
*And I may love another
But never like her

Don't judge a book by its cover.
Almost everyone I know
Has a smile on their face
But deep down
They're sad.
Even if they've tricked themselves into thinking otherwise.

It's not about how much you've been through
"But you've been through so much more"
If you don't want to talk to me ONLY because of that
That is completely stupid.
I want to hear your story.
I want to help you
I'm not going to scoff
and go
"That's it?! You're weak!"
I'm going to listen.

**Everyone is deserving of help, it doesn't matter what they've been through or how bad it is.

I ruined our friendship
Just when I needed you the most
And it's clearly my fault
Because lately everything is.

I most certainly am.

The only thing I have left that keeps me going
Is that nobody could be me more than I could
So now I wait
For the day
When that is no longer true
Because everything else is gone
Why would this one stay?

I believe
That in times of extreme stress, be it physical, emotional, or mental
The mind retreats
And unconsciously moves through life
Because the conscious mind is no longer capable of doing so
I am at that point on two counts.

You
You're my friend
I love you
But I hate you too.
You want me
to stay alive
When all I want
is to die
You ask me
to stick around
When I just need
To say goodbye

And I know
that later
I'll be happy you told me to remain here
But for now
I hate you.

I go on
Life goes on
But what would happen
If I didn't?
Would the world mourn
or laugh?
Would the world cry
or smile?

Or would the world
Be indifferent?
After all
I'm one in 7 billion
The world's not going to be affected
By one person gone.
Yet I stay here.

I look into your eyes
And I want to cry
Because what I see
Is pure and good
Not tainted with evils
but with an unfortunate past
One that I want to help you forget
With better memories
Of you and me :)

I can't get the muscles in my face to work that way...weird.

Would you stop!?
Can't you see what you're doing to me? Are you THAT blind?
Can't you hear my silent screams of agony?
...but would you stop it, though, if you knew what you were causing?
Or, if you pushed me over the edge, would you dance on my grave, cackling madly?

I just don't know when it comes to you
You think I'm a game
My mind the board
My emotions the pieces
STOP PLAYING WITH THEM!
Perhaps you forgot
That these "pieces" are made of glass
...but again, would you change anything
If you knew what you were doing?