I hope you know that I wanted to tell you.
I don’t know whether it was my Catholic School morals
or if i developed a conscience
but I never wanted to keep this a secret
I hated what he did to you
What I did to you.
Sometimes I still think about it
I don't love him anymore and I don't know if you do
but sometimes I think about it.

"I’m not the type of girl anybody wants to be with. My body takes up too much space and I laugh too loudly for too long and I shout when other people are quiet and when I’m drunk I type in caps and I always wanted to be mysterious and beautiful and untouchable like other girls but if you ask I will give you everything and I ******* despise that."

When the time comes for me to finally let go
I have forgotten how to
When the time comes for me to finally let go
there are scars
scratches from my nails digging into the last piece
the realization that this probably meant nothing to you
the sorrys
why was i always the one saying sorry?
When the time comes for me to finally let go
bring band aids for the tips of my fingers
the claw marks can stay
don’t let me forget what happened that night in september
don’t let his words cover my mouth again

you were always in my mind
the constant reminder
you said i was beautiful but you loved her more

When the time comes for me to finally let go
remind me of the bad things
remind me of the stares when he laughed to his friends about my feelings
remind me of the nights he would ask me to be with him
because she was not
remind me of the 3ams, sitting on my bathroom floor
clutching my knees and
shaking because I knew she owned your nights
remind me of every poem ever written
tell me that they don’t always have to be about you
they never were about you

and remind me there are more important things
theres always something more important

When the time comes for me to finally let go
take me back to the high school hallway
one earbud in my ear, one in yours
falling in love with a carefully drawn character
show me what was wrong
remind me of the pictures of her that he had slipped into the pocket of his ripped jeans
remind me i was not special
i was not her

When the time comes for me to finally let go you are imprinted in my mind
a fantasy, an angel, a perfect person
remind me of what you are not
remind me of what i don't have to be
because i never had to be her
i was only me

when the time comes, when it finally comes, remind me how one day this will be easy
one day i will not think about the cracks you left in my skeleton
calling them love letters
one day it will only be me
and one day i will accept that
i am only
me