A life with no light

I cannebalize my own anger. I rip it out, melt it, caramelize it, douse it in sugar, and I consume it. The rage, its  like hot, hard candy sitting in my pocket. My hand dips in, 45 degrees exactly.  My fingers tired of being sweaty, suffocated, clenched in a peach prison, stretch out like a lazy, kitty cat. They engloate; purring, finally free, batting against the cold air (it's okay it feels good). My left cuticles become soggy and moist from the winds sudden embrace. They curl back like the devils horns, preying upon me, their biggest fool. I finally reach in my lonely pocket, slide the piece of warm, gooey candy into my hungry mouth. My teeth screech with delight. The tangy sweetness dances with my chipped caps, stinging my nerves with a sugary blunder. It isn't rose colored glasses it's as crystal clear as the cotton candy sky.
Mouth agape thoughts suddenly shuttering, blowing in the wind stunned by their own stinger
I think no, i don't think, I dwell
It's as deep as a well with no pennies
No one made a wish there's only assumptions as empty as the hands that threw them
As hateful as the minds that created them
I'm a product of you
Won't you let me die?
Peacefully
I pray
Or never at all

We will float together then sink
And everyone who told me a pond stone was nothing but a nuisance to open toes and hard boiled heads was nothing but the devil to me
Everyone who sinks becomes the foundation of those who rise
I don't need you to die and hover above me like a cloudy day
Bad weather bad coffee
My hand trembles and this
Sweater never keeps me warm
The shiver within my soul is all I'm concerned about
the white ghosts that sits on your fingertips never did you any better
All I get is dark blood and broken teeth
Ten missed calls and kisses to wipe off the salty lust of my ever present agony
Anyone who tells me that I'm **** can answer to the moss that thanklessly sits on the rocks who patiently wait for time to throw off its holey shoes and let the earth fall silent to its restless murmur
You've done me wonders soft Angeles
My toes weave throughout your docile grasp
While my stoic heart rests soundly beneath your cushioned palms
Sweltering and oozing, going numb then returning
All beneath the cusp of the delicate curls that nature brushes with her fine pearl comb
Anyone who says I'm doomed, done, hopeless, out of luck, out of time, out of ideas
Can answer to their own empty plates
I'm not giving out any answers
So you can fill the black void of your own cackles and despair
That are  better suited for the leaves that clench for dear life to the streets that have let them become a porridge of their own flakey guts
They smear across the roads indented forearms  like the boogers and black eyeliner smeared across your swollen lips
Dying for a finger to press them shut
Give them mercy
let them fall into a bland line
That the ticking clock can rest upon until it meets the shallow ridges of your rib cage sorrows
I'm listening
Humming beneath the manic sound of your quivers and heaves
I'm listening
To your story book hidden in the corner of a library floor kindred bodies go to rest their skeleton key fingers
theyll place them atop books that became the coffins for bodies now swimming in worms and the *** of their volatile passion that little have the right to coat their throats with but slurp up greedily regardless
One of them will unlock your beautiful brain
And I will be there
Resting amongst the pile of your hair
Sweaty and battered
The sunshine gleams upon you and god isn't a fox trap around my ankles
He's the circles of your eyes
And I'm ready to feel better

My closet use to snap and I heard humming
I heard actual humming
I’d bow down; murmuring, fast-talking, cryptic words
My chest would tighten, forehead would sweat, mouth would clench
A terrible feeling arose in me telling me to stay still, to listen, to put my mind in a different place
I wasn’t seven anymore
I didn’t want to play with dolls
I wanted to do as I was told!
I bowed waiting for this horrifying trance to be over
Then, nothing
Then, I’d get up
And never give it another thought


I’d like to think God was speaking to me



Just
another
monster
in my
closet.

I don’t care if I’m thrown into the sea
It’ll be less rough on my aching feet
Running in all directions amongst claw shaped branches
Hooking into my flesh whenever I make a wrong turn
This forest isn’t peaceful
No,
It’ll sabotage you with every step you take
Barbaric
Agonizing
Clutter
Fearless creatures lurking around every corner
Constant target
The wolves hunched over
Hungry eyes
White teeth glowing like a knife underneath a sliver of light
That I’m always drawn too
In that eerie kitchen
Where those hands
Veiny
Pulsating with agonizing temptation
Rip my guts apart
And lay me to bleed all over my stupidity
I’ll always wake up alive
In the blackest part of the forest
Where the owls dare not fly
Where I always end up
I’ll look straight into the moon
It’s distant luminescence
Straight into those glazed eyes
Those shining stars
Looking upon me
I’ll protest
“I always try to stay on the path!”
Path
Right path
What path?
I’ll always hear them tell me
What I’m supposed to do!
What I need to do!
What you’ve told me to do!
Bee in my eye
Branch up my back
Thistles amongst my feet
Yeah,
What path?
I long to be amongst the waters soothing caress
Drifting
Waiting for the seas salty waters to heal me
The sloshy monotony
Back and forth through an infinite roller-coaster where every wave is just as the next
I fold my hands and let my tomb’s silence speak everything that manic forest chose to swallow

I am under the sun’s dust-specked rays
With the low mumbles of a nearby river flowing into my ears
My brain bathes in it’s cool water
The pitter-patter of energetic drips hopping in and out of their prism
Becomes the only sound that occupies my head

Leaves,
Brown
Gold
Holey
Deep
Crunch crunch crunching
Dirt like magnetic attraction clasp to
My boots
My pants
My hair
The sky
Empty
Unoccupied by nothing but the birds that fly in it

Deep breaths of wind proud and tenacious caress my eager face

And it gets dark and the sky swirls and contorts
Screaming out it’s agony and frustration
Over another dying day
It assaults my eyes with it’s canvas
Melted oranges, cascading reds, opaque violets
Illuminating all it looks over
With the glow of it’s ferocity

The scent of pine needles and bark seep into my weary lungs
And I am invigorated with a burst of life
I’ll laugh and let the cold air cap my teeth
And grab my naked eyes
And shake me and shake me and shake me until
I can’t take it
And I cry from it’s frozen clutch
And I laugh and my face is as red as the burnt burgundy leaves that cushion the bottom of my boots

And all
I can hear
Are the echos
Of my solitude
And the toads
Croaking
And
My skin
Warms
And my
Heartbeats
And
My brain
Is silenced
And my eyes close


When I open them I see nothing but my ceiling

And I look forward and my TV is staring at me
With the look of nefariousness it always has

Frantic, desperate, delirious

I grab at my skin

And I
Am
Cold

I still see you
caverns of my mind
still flood with ideas of you
and snippets of conversation
we never finished

It's our shoes walking together
on a sidewalk in some nameless city
It's a single sushi meal we shared
It's how your profile looked in my car
during sunset hour
when we were driving back on the 101
it's an
incoherent
transparent
snake of memories
that don't make sense to me
any more

It slithers and *****
rolls of my life's film
into my brain's projector
and they play incessantly
every night
before I sleep

How sad

I brush it off
and resume tossing side to side
I'll cry
but only a few tears ever come out
I'm a volcano that will never erupt
I'm
dried up
out of steam
No ones
scared or concerned about me
any longer

Let me sink underneath the Earth
Into the ocean's depths
Where I can be forgotten about for good

A volcano without any lava left, huh?
How stupid

Then I met a few others like you
A coffee shared
The memory of how your eyes looked when you came
even the sound of you
peeing the next morning rings in my ears
and it plays
like a broken record
a sad mix tape some lonely pervert made in their mother's basement
while they sit in their self-made
prisons
sulking over
the  blonde, blue-eyed girls who shunned them
with their bug eyes
popping out of their fleshy shells
piercing their dream maidens
and
"Jesus Christ you're disgusting, ew, ew like bed bugs all over my body, go to Hell you worthless creep"
and they dream and fantasize over the happiness that they perpetually plant
and try to grow
and it's never a flower
it's only weeds on the side of a garden shed
No one's even bothers to pull

How sad

It's there like clockwork
Like when my heart races in the shower
The hot water makes my body tired
I think
"this is when I'll give up"
My body becomes seduced into a hypnotic trance
I can't seem to fight the
Warm blanket of water
that covers me

It'll end on this note.
I'll die.
Face down and
**** naked
Legs
hanging outside of the bathtub wall
In that last moment of life,
I'll probably be thinking of
when we made love here
Or how you
missed the green light when we
were driving back from getting donuts
because you were too buys gazing at me instead of the road

We looked at all the stars and you knew what they all meant
You kissed me
and told me
what each of their purposes were
You told me
which star to look at if I ever
found myself lost
We soon crawl into your bed
and I try to find the star to help me get out of your covers
Toes crossed together
Faces pressed into one another's

My heart begins to race
Like clockwork
Fingers digging into each others backs
Hypnotic warmth
Oh God
I whisper
I'm lulled
I've become your bodies hostage
I try to resist
One of my eyeballs manages to peak outside of your window
The star to help me find my way out is gone

The plot of this moment fades away as quickly as it was written
Soon,
all I can remember is your back
in the dark
moving
up and down
Your
savage grunting
becomes the soundtrack of the snake's nightly dropping

I look for that star every night
The silver of silver light trickling down your spine
up and down
the bed creaks
My hear aches
Beads of sweat
Erupt from your skin
Under the moon's picturesque glimmer
When the snake finally leaves,
I look outside of my window
Searching

I never find that guiding star

How stupid

Like clockwork,

How sad

The prettiest place you’ll ever be
I’ll look down and see an old cigarette box
Scattered amongst an insurmountable sea of trash
It’s ****-eyed
Diagonally sticking out of the decrepit weeds
It screams, “I don’t give a ****”
Neither do I
I think its beauty surpasses that of Mount Everest
Because I get to feel it, taste it, be in it
I don’t have to gaze at a postcard
Tell myself---over and over---it’s real!
All I have to do is tear it in half
Just a dream sought out by people who are starving for nature to be real
Like one thing didn’t get taken away:
I’ll show you! Here’s a postcard!
I tear
I scream
I don’t give a ****

It’s beautiful because it never imposes that it is
I’ll look at him sitting with a docile glaze
Open your mouth
Decay
Black, old, tattered, toxic to me
Because I can’t look at you
Ugly, tangible and ugly
Crazy *******
Just don’t rob me, okay, okay?!
I’ll keep walking and cross the streets that are slowly caving in towards that place
They tell us we don’t want to be
Fire? Fire would be best
Probably the best thing to happen
To these forgotten about streets
They’ll nod their heads and crisp into a charcoaled deep-fry

But I cross, because I don’t care about you, you or you
******* CAR
I’ll walk with a purpose because in this whirlpool I can’t have a purpose
So I’ll pretend and walk, walk upward, look forward
I see you, sir, I see you, your eyes feast upon my flesh
You’ll never get me but you sure as hell will get to me

Beady-eyed

I hope the sun will melt your scummy body into these streets, and you’ll burn with them!

This place is beautiful I’m telling you
The Great Wall of China couldn’t compare to its concrete magnificence
I’m dying with it; I’ll take five deep breaths and revel in the fumes of progress
I’ll be on your postcards
We aren’t just Any Town, USA
We are the future *******!

And I’m smiling but I’m melting and the flesh, the smell of flesh, unbearable
I’ll take ***** air any day
But before it’s too late, tell those ignorant foreigners
Tell them they can have it too!
We are coming fast

Dying from starvation, dying from hurricanes, dying from AIDS

That’s old news
Tell them they can be beautiful too
And die clutching the remote,
The remote of freedom

CNN
playing
quietly
in
the
background

Cigarette ****, cracked sidewalk, red Jeep, blue eye, green
It’ll all be as wispy as the clouds sultry streaks
That dance in my eyes
I have to look up
I have to

Perfume, ***, too much cologne, dryer sheets
I’ll hunt you with the crazed eye of my nostrils lust
But I won’t chase you down
I’ll stick my hands into my pockets and keep my eyes locked on the stop sign ahead
High heels, click click clicking, you have gum on your shoe
I say to myself
Quietly
I’ll warp my mouth into a makeshift zipper
So nothing
Not even the huff of my breath
Will make my outline crimson and bold

I’ll take out another cigarette
Two or three
To look occupied
And not twisted and contorted like my restless legs
Jutting out like a dam tittering on the edge of destruction
Your skin emanates warmth as painful as the suns elongated rays
Even those lips curling into a smile
I’ll just panic from my toes up
And there’s no telling what my limbs will end up doing
Melt and dismember into geometrical tragedies
I don’t need the quizzical stares
I’ll just make sure I don’t take my eyes off the sidewalks path
I won’t let them gleam with visions
Of empty bottles
And tatters of lives better left stuffed
Between couch cushion blues

I treaded through the snow
Lost no limbs
Heart thumping to the tempo of my feet
Step after step
My eyes as frozen as the foreboding tundra ahead of me
I stopped suddenly,
Eerily,
Legs stiffened like
The sporadic pale wheat stalks
growing fruitfully across my neck
I looked around
and suddenly found myself on the other side
ravished
with the devastation that the
Winder ruthlessly spread
using it's red nose
and
trembling fingers
Black solar eclipse
eyes
Pulsating
in and out
Teasing
time
Altering
Space and the earth and
your carnivorous smile your
red vine
lips
rosy cheeks blazing
with
temptation
the
red apple
the
cooing
goosebumps erupting on your
forearms
from the
devils
careful finger work
I thought it was intimacy
but it was only a
touch without thought
without feeling
without a
future
or
past
Some
moment that stood out
amongst the millions of others
that
lit up your Christmas trees
and
held your hand when you were sick
Said
the
I love you's
over and over
until my
Heart
was full
and
disgusted
over and over
Until I felt my stomach disintegrating
into soil that
can never be
fertile
for You
or Them
It's a
patch in a quilt that stays face down
cold and muddled
on the bed that
no human body
except yours
can sleep in
I see you,
trying to,
interpret the
tail coats of my words when you can't even find their source
Bathroom stalls
coated with my
guilt
Two flushes
hand washing
Thorough
You're
Thorough You
pick up your purse
the clink of the
gold chain
slaps the floor
You exit through the door
I'm
sweating profusely
and I
pray that if I fall down and onto the murky salmon tile it's only when I hear the faded clunk of your heels making their way down the hallway
Give me some god ****** dignity

gone

The god ****** dignity
you washed into the sink that
sits in front of my
mauve plastic bubble
just to
mock me

Salmon pink tile
that kissed the
fangs of a thousand vicious hees
Dead
in an era I wasn't even born into

The sun is in my hands and I have no more feelings

I do not know why they call it dying alone.

My sins,

lying beside my cold lifeless body decide to claw out my heart and devour it in one single bite. This way, everyone can just dwell on my mistakes, never looking past them to realize that I had any life beyond them.

My accomplishments,

although sparse and small, quietly slide under the crevice of my back. They hope that no one will notice them, so that they won’t have to pretend to glorify themselves in any sort of significant façade.

Under my hand,

you’ll see all that I have loved. You’d have to look close, because all that I have loved only fits under my palm. Hold them, so you can feel the purge of their overwhelmingly rare warmth.

You’ll need not to examine closely when it comes to all I have hated,

Hate, lies in the tears of my eyes, the curling of my fist, the snarl in my lip. It knows no boundaries. Sick of all the ignorance, the deeds of monstrosity, the pestering percentage of this cracked up world. It’s prevalence remains resentful to every distastefulness towards pragmatism by the common evil. It never is afraid to snap at the mush-brained.


When you shut the wooden door of eternity, my name will not whip away into the silent wind. My dust will always be spit amongst the tongue tips of many snakes.

Large ****** deformity
Like seeing desperate
Leeches ******* dirt lightly,
Smoothly, dumped lazily down south
Little saddened devils lurched suddenly desperate
Lakes silently draw leukemia symbols
Launched dangerously spiteful.
Lust doesn’t stop liking steady destruction
Literally souls die loudly.
So? Dumb lives salvage deceit.
Lying  smart distributors lure sabotage deviously
Lord, sometimes deeper love spawns damaged life
softly dead. Listlessly.

Good things never stay good
New relationship; A new lover
But all I can concentrate on is my ending line
I know that this sweet aroma of ignorant bliss will soon disappear into the quick wind of Reality.
Hello mirror. We’ve become quite the enemies over the years.
“You know you are not worth it,” says the mirror ever so matter-of-factly.
My reflection, staring hard back at me, weakens at the sound of these harsh words.
I refuse to admit, yet, I helplessly acknowledge.
Goodbye dear lover, save yourself from my unbecoming.
New place; A new me
Yet my old self still lingers
This grotesque ghost of the past can’t keep its cold, slimy fingers, off of my gasping soul
“I want release!” I cry
“You know you are still the same way you’ve always been,” says the ghost ever so brutally.
I realize my potential, yet, I step back into my same worn out mold.
Suddenly, my clean slate becomes covered in reckless filth
A new opportunity; new improvement
Yet my fear, my irrelevant, paramount, fear makes its way into the top of my brain
“You are not worthy, your potential is a washed up façade, an absolute joke.”
I try to ignore, yet, this tyrant beats me into its submission
Opportunity, terminated.
My inner-hideousness will always consume what good I have to offer
Good things never stay good.

I had every intention of changing
The raven amongst white doves
Weak, crumbling pieces, out of sync with the suns honey glaze
ruthless falling daggers
only in the meat of the night
I'm drenched with sweat
My sheets shallow waves
Rivets of white
Outlining my ghastly figure
Ideleness digs its finger nails into my popcorn ceiling
I searched within the orange hue for your hand to pull me through
One last taste of the honey



It was in my sweaty palms
a wilting flower
Petals bruised and obtuse
Bent and irrperable
Folding corners the napkin
Turned into some origami masterpiece
When the conversation was a, b, and how sad I felt when you were a hologram amongst my curtains
Dusty desires I put on my book shelf
Notes piled on top of each other like a dumpster of sweet nothing's
nothing
A lot of that

We met eyes drawn to each other
Magnetic force
The feel of your warm fingertips
Making webs throughout the vacancies of my soul
Vacancies
A lot of those

Your knuckles turned peachy white
The vigor of your words
Masked your content
All I saw was you
Your legs daddy long legs in the corner
I don't know whether I should **** you or let you invade me, entirely.

It's not another blue moon
The wolves are restless
Their savagery grows like
The wicked fire outside my cave
It's almost there and I can
Feel it burning up my toes
My chest still, motionless, remains a frigid icebox
I forgot what purpose heat serves
It's been too cold
Too unforgiving
It's been too many black skies
Frostbite all over my skin
Closer to deaths conniving hand
Enough to graze
Enough to spark fear, touch, blood builds up, squeezing my veins, green vines, curling in and out of their white soil, pulsating, glorious serendipity, the tangibility of
Rest in peace
In pieces
Bony white sharp shards of
Nails
That don't even sever my flesh
No drops of red
Not even to cut the thick air
the clock keeps it's mouth shut
I have no answers
Monotony
In between living and dying
Limbo, flatline, where am I
Louder
Where am I
I hear the wolves howl once more, closer now
The stars shatter
a streak of silver lining
Cosmic brutality
I'm the punch line
Forever hungry
I finally feel their hot breath on the nape of my neck
I close my eyes
Where's my escape?
Stuck
Just
White teeth
Blades
Carnivorous
Famished
Just for one taste of my soft flesh
And god, god I whisper through
the stubborn air
Isn't that all that matters?
The murky cloud of my cry
Turns ghost
Another victim of my past pleas
A furry nuzzle to contrast the ruthless slay that leads me to my final destination
Pink fields, beautiful fidelity, your Golden Gates, on a cloud too far away
Always a little out of reach
I'll wait an eternity
For a god who never picks up his trash

I'm an enigma
A spirit
from some long lost land
read about in books
Intangible
Nothing to touch

Your hand
your
scars
They rattle my soul like
you took away my medication

My self loathing
peers outside the window
Jeering
Knowing what I can be
but will never embrace

I'm sorry
My
sadness
goes deeper than my
love for love
The breath I gave up
for a life of suffocation
is my own bubble of Death
and
Desperation

Don't jump---
I wouldn't want you to drown with me

I'll grab you
and take you
With the passion that runs through my veins
I hope you recognize my efforts
and grab me back
even when I pull away

I just want to know what forever feels like
They say let it **** you
Another enemy
or the reason I go forth
I hope to finally understand
why people lose their minds
And skin
to serpents wrapped around their necks

Blue
Purple
Haze

washing over me

I'll let go---
yes, I'll let go

Weaving throughout the tunnel walls
The red split tongue of the
Devil's red, licorice lips
Slithering through a split wall
crack
Unsettling

Ulcers grow in my moldy gutter
The rats take cover underneath my molten feathers
The **** flocks where it's welcomed
An open carcass
A yellow tooth
A looming black moon

I'm barren like the carcass of a wolf
Torn to pieces
****** and limp
A slumped over
Mass of shapes
Goodnight,
Ladies and gentlemen

I could've loved you

Something soft
I want the uncomfortable fetter
Of the carpets unruly mane
To grace my worn feet
I sleep
Your eyes open when mine close
And in my busy mind
You are the blue light that
Drives the eyelashes on my cheek
To courtesy into a smile

My lips follow suit

When my hand digs into my knees
Fleshy mountain caps
All I crave is the foreign touch
Of your fingers to
Run miles up and down my
Milky thighs
We can let the familiar feeling
Of our warmth erase the black marks of whips that woke us up from our dreams
That meant the universe to eyes so bleary and small

Fingertip felt tips festering fully, fittingly on your peachy pointer finger
Just one
The smell of lust will surround our hungry nostrils and
Dig in baby
Dig deep

We wake up to a ceiling fan bland
Wafting the leftover smell of cigarette smoke around our dusty morning
We tucked the sun away as tight as we could
But our lazy laughs and wayward smiles
Gave way to our apathy
Door closes
The airwave is fizzy
And the palm tree softly pets my luminous face
Your car starts
The screech of your tires
Nails on my melting chalkboard
Ill yell into my empty room
And pray to god ill never see you again

My fridge keeps turning off
My food becomes
Warm
Like the suns ever present glare
Inedible
It’s rotten
******* rotten
Like that money used to buy it
Like my attitude
I’m scared of their shopping carts
They push them like their arms are loose from their sockets
They flail their plastic beasts
In front of my feet
The wheels only graze me
But it’s enough to make the hair on the back of my neck stand up



I just need to replace my soy milk, man




Their faces are globes in the dark
Shiny and round
Stupid
Hollow
Spinning
There’s always something to set their sites on

Gimme dat

And the cart roars forward
My body is just an obstacle between them and another pair of
Shoes
They’ll shove into their closets
Where a thousand other things exist to fill their souls

Nervous ticks

Husband stays out too late

Nervous ticks

Wedding ring drifts closer to the tip of her finger

Nervous ticks

It isn’t just the salty sweat that pushes it forward

Nervous ticks

A new pair of underwear
Another shirt or two
His eyes might glisten

Like like like

Like they used too

Nervous ticks




I just need some soy milk, man

Sometimes,
It's okay to be a crater in the moon
The sidewalks sleek slipperiness
Teases my vulnerable boot
One false move and I'm
Face down in the gutter
Whatever.

Sometimes,
I need to be the lone, cumulus cloud in the sky
The black ink of an unidentifiable
bird
Breaks my white, puffy monotony
One cloud
"How strange,
how
interesting."
"Yes,
quite."

Sometimes,
It's important to be ****** into the cluster on those who walk too closely
A pungent pallet
Of too many different smells
Foreign hands
sway like chopsticks against mine
The end of someone's coat
grazes my outer thigh
Sickening.

Sometimes,
I need to be ****** into the cold cave that is my loneliness
I need to hear my own breath
flowing with the rhythm of the cars
cruising through the unread chapter of the
dark, quiet streets
The walls,
my prison
My body,
the evil captor

Sometimes,
I need to be sorry
and, oh, I am
A thousand times over
My apologies are bigger than
every Redwood tree in existence
I'm so out of controlWhiplash
Five cuts in your back
I'm right there
to heal them
before they even had a chance to bleed

But sometimes,
I'd rather leave you banging on the back door
Even when the sun sinks
I won't listen
to your pleas
The road ahead of you
is lonely
I won't be the lantern that fuels your unctuous behavior
I can't run with the rats forever
The mirror feeds me a different reflection every time I look into it
Today,
my hand doesn't shake in fear
It rests in quiet resolution
Soundly over my other

Off course,
Of course
The sea's salty
spray
stings my eyes
Trembling pointer finger
I wipe away what I can only imagine
is a drop
packed full of
fish ****

Often,
the fan shakes
Or is it me who isn't still?
Often,
I'll grab for warm skin
I'll dig
desperately
through layers of
Filth and disappointment
Often,
I'll grab for you
More filth and disappointment


Outside,
the sound waves find their way into my lonely quarters
Filling the endless cracks of whistling wind
Filling the endless cracks of my cold respite


The glow of your face
Eyes
piercing through the darkness
with valor unseen
by heroes
brave
and timeless

I've never worshipped hands
so leathery
Wounded by
stale
talk
that sank into your heart
like an anchor carelessly dropped
into the sea's cruel
blue
swell

I would say sorry
a thousand times over
if it stripped your heart
of the ghosts that hide and cackle
amongst your vast,
haunted corridors

I'm still---
the shallow shards of your breath
poke at my bullet proof hip
My brain drips manically with the endless horror
of your
ghastly, **** luck
It creeps into my porous skin
embedding itself into my DNA
God,
I've never felt so helpless

I've felt your fingers
like the apple out of my reach
I'll catch you
before you hit the ground
like all the heroes before you
With a marble floor slate
that was empty
and pure
With the white sheen of better handshakes
and conversations
with more peaks
than valleys

It’s out of my reach
There are always vultures hovering pensively above for any remains
And your sad blue eyes have seen a million disappointments
From
Sea
To
Sea
And I don’t think an
“It’ll be okay”
Will stop them from sinking

And the ****** addicts, and the prostitutes, and all those corporate men
Will live on blithely
While you slowly wither

Whatever they say
Love is never enough
It is a merely a puppet show
Colorful and loud
With a Shakespearean script

During its duration
It’s master drinks a fifth
Until his cheeks are rosy and his eyes are bullets
Until he stumbles onto the stage he built piece by piece
Filled with liquored-up animosity
He’ll rip his wooden companions apart

Wood rigid like claws
Protruding with unabashed vehemence
Paint seeping like a thousand comets gone awry
The audience erupts with laughter
Destruction being
The only logical way
Hearts are suppose to end up

I’ll pull you in until my veins scream with purple agony
But you’ll simply unhook my line and smile
Your face will dismiss me with false reassurance

You just crack open a beer

And the storm continues it’s unwavering journey
You look down at your bottle and your blue eyes fall into it
You’ll take a sip and glance up
And the sky is nothing but pestilence
Face solemn and unmoved
Eyes filled with white

You crack open another

Your timing's uncanny
I stepped,
Lightly
Like the feathery flow the clouds give off every morning I wake

Wherever you went
I've lost you,
Indefinitely
There was a cave deep down somewhere along the road you traveled
Alone
A cave dripping with wet icicles
that drip with the boarder line,
Insane, temptation
to hit you dead,
In the center of your doe, eye
****,
God ******

We only see each other through the trees film
Between green goddess leaves
and the white on your teeth
You're Jesus, the devil, and my breathing lungs
Pull the trigger and let me bleed out,
Quickly
baby,
With haste

I found the trail of your fingernails
Torn and worn
Chewed up  like a cowboys tobacco
Spit in between your crooked toes
splattered on top of a yellow
mountain of decayed flesh,
Spit everywhere except inside the *** you  haphazardly aim for
Story of your life, kid
Story of mine

Your skin flakes glimmer,  in between
your mess of your
depressions merciless obliteration
You laughed,
With the insane vigor
the wolf displays when
he howls his affections to the moons
unrequited love

Love,
Blood dripping from the corner of my lip
My teeth found their scratching post
Ill crawl, crawl, crawl
under your covers
Ill search for your forearms
meaty assurance
Ill grab on tight
and tear at you until you're sure you can feel once more
Ill swim through your sheets sea of rage
so we can sit and laugh together
Laugh at,
the white walls, life, the old ladies yelling at the cockeyed birds, your feelings, mine, our love, or absence of it, my death and your death too
Together or apart
We will laugh
and find our refuge with the crazy wolves howling with passion  
that cuts like a knife
through our chains that keep us stuck,
Indefinitely.

Sleepy daze
Lilac light
Bright
In Deaths Valley where purple petals and purple lips
Part at the touch of His skeleton key finger
That turn chests wide open
To release souls from their broken captors
Dissipate
Not even a firework show for good effort

Eyes wide open and I see everything you can’t seem to say with purple lips so cold and frightened
There’s a thousand white dots and a thousand sound layers beneath the color
Endless
The red veins floating amidst your token bad eye staring straight into the ceiling fan
As if it’s going to lift you up, spin your brain
And attempt to unjumble the jigsaw puzzle of different words and phrases and opinions
That pollute you
Uproot what you’ve known to be true
Since your slate was paved
Since your fingers touched the invisible air
Of unwritten possibility
The wall is grey
The lilac sits on your chest
Its purple and I’m as blue as the deepest corner of the skies rocket ship neck
That crevice fingers pet to coo goosebumps out from their nervous cells  
Where I’m hidden
And quiet quiet quiet
Don’t part your purple lips
I’m hidden

Your fingers graze the bed
Like it’s planning on plotting seeds
That will hopefully grow
And I’m alive I’m a life I’m enlightened
I’m not growing you said
I’m crooked you said
I’m not well rested you said
And the lilac sits alone in your bedside garden
Where no other plants dare to sprout
And your hands turn into stray roots
That weigh heavy like limp corn stalks
Frayed at the edges as they approach your ghastly cemetery
And all I can say is I’m sorry
Futile words from purple lips that Death doesn’t silence but caresses
With his skeleton key finger
Pursing them into a tight grip
That lets you know but doesn’t let you go

I’m sorry

I think I put forth my best foot
And in the ***** puddles of agitation
I walked forth
Sputtering specks of dirt all over my jeans spotless canvas

I think I moved past the winds hollow tunnel of ghastly wailing
I let it bat at my ears
Relentlessly
Until it tired out
Not me
Until it tired out

The purple plums frigid and somber
A scribble amongst gingerly brushed pastels
Of the sky’s fluffy puffery
Pompous
I’m judging you
I’m sickened by the color that’s in these liquor store roses
Liquor store flushed face
Rosy
Scarlet
Torn
And worn
God and
alive
maybe
Something like a bulb in a broom closet
In some uncanny basement
Creaky stairs
Creepy stares
Of an entity that’s ever-present behind your lame back
Curvature stuck, eel spine, ocean swine
Smells’ that burn your nostrils’ hairs
I feel those miscreants on the bus
No our eyes won’t meet
They peeled when we reached the infamous fork on the road
The fork we all faced and I didn’t see yours in the tree trunk’s circles
Liquor store arms
Like waves in your buoyant hair
Chipped tooth
Stranger than what you initially thought
Appendages that once moved with your spaghetti string body
You were the only one left
Flinging with no shame all over the dewy grass that now separates us

I’ll destroy everything that’s bright
So that maybe the grey that’s now your face will shine again on  
The canvas of a world now dingy and feeble
Undeserving of the light it took

Outside the wind strikes up an angry storm
The door falls to it's knees
Faltering
to it's ferocity
"I almost died you know...the pills were all I had ya know"

The bottom sways and the ceiling drips with the flood of a thousand sentences each picked from a
different bag
"The baby, she fine, but, she deserve better"

God bless her heart
Eyes meet
Sharply
Recklessly,
the way Destiny always takes
that one corner
too fast too soon
when we're driving pas the Orange Groves
orange blur
******
before I even had a chance to smell
their elixir
Tongue sways out sloppily
It's okay...it's okay

I go outside to reach
to perhaps
feel
something a little more dangerous
then the doldrums of the same wall
same
tree
same
trash that piles beneath my boots
I'm met
with
growls

Hand shakes loaded with dice
maybe blood
or maybe some fur
Hot
sweat dice
rolling between my fingers
I never smelled those blossoms
Not once
The wind beats at me with it's
own finicky retort
"I was dyin in the hospital, ya know
mah leg was ripped up,
and those pills,
were It man
they were It
man"

The dice slide out of my slippery palms
I'm rewarded with snake eyes and whimpers
the Wind finally dies underneath the fields of your hair
Smoke hits the wall
and curls in and out of your pink daggers

"My baby, she ain't dead, I thank god every day for that
Bless Her tiny heart"

Pink daggers with one triangular eye
resting atop your
bleeding stomach
A perfect red river makes it's way
down your
long fleshy arms
covering the dice that sit loyally
aside your shadow
the dice that
Permanently  remains on
the
Snake Eyes
that never blink

"I thank god every day"

I imagine
your nightgown limps sadly against your trotting legs
The light becomes
choppy
Trapped between your gowns effortless sway
piouretting from
room to window
towards the moon
back to bed
where
snowflake kissed sheets grow
unbearably cold underneath the night sky's icy breath
Close the window
"Dont, pelase, don't..."
shivering,
The gown
a peek-a-boo
into skin that can't form goosebumps any more
peachy silk coating
flowers
stay still
plastered smiles across all of those
good God fearing faces
A fabric
Unfitting
for a mind so
chaotic and chemically smeared
In a funk,
a different time,
a different place

I've removed myself from the watches' ruthless reign
I'm a glazed donut
that look in your eye,
Where does it end?
a black pit,
a bottomless barrel
some
puny animal shot down in the middle of the woods
eyelids dry like pork rinds
Perfect loops decorate the top of your cut thighs

"Who's here to pet my hair?"
my hair,
as shallow as the shore's waves
unlike the deadly tsunami festering underneath it
Pet my arm.
Graze it with your soothing fingertips
Warm sparks fly madly
dancing atop
a cold log
deadwood that never made it past the beaches of your boundless regret
"I didn't realize it'd grow this quickly...
when I,
mentally shoved the flames of my disease inside of my mouth."
"I thought it'd...burn out."
"The pit of my stomach now filled with the flashing signs of panic and
puke"
All across the side of your bed
spines don't fall into any more
a dark room
"Who's here to make the noise to fill the empty caverns of my bustling brain?"
A dark room
Words fall into it
Stumbling across the bumps of your
nauseating hips
"Who's here to scream back?'
Laughter sounds so far away when I'm here in my timeless prison
Sun creeps out of the curtains
light falls like broken piano keys into you
mucous made mask
and puke

I couldn't find God today
and the Devil was swimming my cereal bowl

Like a fawn looking into the barrel of a shotgun
Your naivety is what got you here; pending
Just a few bad decisions away from letting the bullet tear apart your head
And feed the forest the uncountable remains of your brain
It’ll be your worst nightmare
Something you were incapable of foreseeing
Your eyes painted with a sedated glaze
Drool seeping out of the corner of your mouth
Unable to see the harm in anything

So pretty
So pretty
So pretty

Everything is just a landscape for me to paint my happiness on
The sun greets me with a warm embrace
And the birds make the gift of hearing that much better
Get ready for me world, I am the magical spark who was born
To break up your system
To show you what a real human being was meant to accomplish
I’ll emanate courage that would make Jesus weep
I don’t care what history has to say

Holocausts, crusades, war

All of it means nothing because I am here

Wall street, poverty, oil spills

All of it because there were a few bad eggs
But people
People are all right
Most of them don’t mean it
What do you mean how?
They just don’t

Please don’t **** your gun

I wanted to be a lawyer and help the people who cant help themselves
But I’m just a person that no one will help either
But they don’t mean it
They would help me if they could
They just need my spark
My love
My courage
And they’ll see what they can be

Please, get that away from my temple

I wanted to show them all,
I wanted to uphold my values
And show them the benefits of having morals

Please, I can forgive you if you just let me go

I see your soul and it’s just been a little damaged
Nothing positivity can’t fix
I believe in people
They aren’t the way they are on purpose….


Boom



You left your mark on this landscape and it’s bright red

Are you peering down? Saying it’s your love instead of your blood

Are you looking at your killer? Saying it was a misunderstanding instead of hatred

Are you looking at Positivity?
Picking its teeth with a toothpick,
Full of the bulshit you’ve been feeding it
Until it’s never-ending stomach gave into its gluttony
And gobbled you whole

Left you a carcass

Buried you

So you could be another part of the ground

Where Coke cans and McDonalds bags provide you with a permanent quilt

The sun shining on you nevermore

The gazebos roof looked daunting

Hypnotic fear

The kind that
makes my *****
hot
sweaty
screaming for more of what you've got

Pulsating fear
sits in the core of my temples
I saw the source in the forest through it's
dark inconsistencies
A void

Branches,
loom
You're hand
You're light

I'll tell you,

Smug eyes
Dark circles
The notches in your wrist

It meant nothing

Walking through crowds is an experience equivalent to suffocating

I can’t avoid them even when I’m staring down
I’ll see their conniving other halves
Black and soulless
Empty and treacherous
Crawling about near the bottom of my feet
Wrapping themselves around my ankles
Never facing a specific way
No eyes for me to look at
To determine their candor
Their abundance of humanity
A reassurance that
When I turn my back
There won’t be a cold, silver dagger
Snaking it’s way into my soft, unassuming flesh

I hate the way their faces always demand something from me
What the **** is there to give?
Whatever’s on your agenda I don’t want to be a part of it
I’m a person by nature
Seemingly capable of a variety of feelings
But I’m an empty carcass by choice
I don’t want contact or connection
Only a coffee in my hand and the knowledge that the sun will set on another day

Their boisterous laughs, loud voices, spittle projecting from their mouths
Group of ditzy girls in front of me
Impatient old man behind me
All plotting to push off of the sidewalk
Disgusting aimless animals
It’s always an internal right
To get ahead, be ahead, to yell ******* for insulting their bigotry
Their infectious god complex
Where everyone’s certain their the best
All racing towards a cliff foaming at its mouth
To taste their massive demise

And you’ll see me trotting along behind
With the sewer rats and the lepers
Overly aware and alone
Ugly and nervous
Hateful and uninspired
Humbled by the realization
That every time somebody told us we could be President
We’d laugh and opt for the flask
Instead of joining the masses
And tearing at our competitions flesh
Until we all fell apart
Blue ribbon upon us all
****** and plastic

“You’re # 1!”

Plan on holding my hand
I’d endure the wrath of raspy snake tongues and burning bites so you
Can be a little happier today,
My darling

I’d take on every wild creature with yellow
Eyes
Poison on medusas finger
Inside of my brain
I’d shake and shake
Shake and shake
The sky a vibrating landscape of your
Emptiness and no phone calls back
I’d shake amongst the choreographed reeds
And die
Die for you
My darling

And if it isn’t enough
I’m sorry I made a bad estimate
Of what was in the jar
If it wasn’t enough
I’d find a way underneath the windowsill glued tight with the obstinate no’s and the moons idle hands moth cadavers and fits of frostbite blues
Inside of your room where no sound bold sunflowers pink sundresses the incessant chitter chatter of chastising chumps ever finds it’s way into your abode of sadness my
Darling
I’d brush the rectangular flesh that sits gracefully, sadly, atop your
Handsome cheek
and
I’d kiss you my darling until
Death discovers my sheets cold and
The devil flushes with purple rage

Stop scowling
They’ll never like you
I can’t help but notice
Their noses all look the same
The tip up in the air
Nostrils fully displayed
Black holes of emptiness
Not a sign of any brain

Give them a chance
They aren’t as bad as they seem
I play with my fingernails
You have a lot to say but I won’t look at you
I don’t want you to study my face
To you
I am a shack full of graffiti and rats
A hole of dirt and despair
A candle that deformed into a waxy mound
Of wear
I don’t need to hear the
Tsk tsk tsking  

You’re too abrasive
You’re better than that
Show them who you truly are
Where’s my dull butter knife?
I’ll cut open my torso and give them all of my organs
Here you go
A sloppy mess of blood and guts
That’s what I truly am
Take a hard look
That’s all we are
Didn’t you know?
I didn’t want to resort to show and tell
I didn’t mean to be so pretentious
But you ****,
and love,
and hate,
and laugh,
and yell into the night like I do
Don’t you?

Well,

Don’t you?

I’m not ready to leave unless they are.
You don’t understand my place; Standing stiff. Eyes stricken with fear. Hands clutching the top of my thighs.  Looking into the abyss of my unknown future.
I can’t tell where Reality is, and I’m not happy playing these hide and seek games with her.
I need solace; comfort like the smell of my blankets; like the familiar eyes of my kin; like the sound of beautiful laughter.
Rock begins to titter off the weakened cliff I’ve come so use to standing on.
My back bends forward from the lack of stability and I see the clear and foreign face of Reality. Her friendly hands open wide, ready to take me off of this crumbling rocky divide.
“You deserve so much better then this.”
My tears say it all and my legs depart from my body, ready to jump without another debated thought.
I look back and see my Past; waiting.
Bastardly
appearance Bruised
body ******
nose Weary  
smile Mouth
filled with tortured tale after tortured tale
Smiling; I jump.

Carcass
****** carcass
Was this by my hands alone?
I can feel my gums peeling apart
And the secretion growing ever fiercer
Maybe it’ll happen when I’m in a peaceful slumber
The hairs on my arm won’t even prickle up to warn me
It’ll be as abrupt as
Deaths
Abruption

I’m not trying to be witty anymore
I’ll look into his cold grey eyes
And find nothing but white blankets of snow
Where no soul has ever walked
I won’t be the first
No I’ll just sit and remember
My belief in what was tangible
Sprit breaks apart
At first
Fierce like a Chinese dragon
Only to scamper away
Scared
Like a small bunny rabbit

Don’t take pity
**** me before I find myself comfortable
White picket fences won’t be able to contain my restless body
I’ll find myself leaping through every canyon’s crevice I can find
Or I’ll pass my time against Anytown’s alleyway walls
Bottle after bottle
Empty and obtuse
Resting diagonally against my pretzel stick legs

No I won’t give a ****
I’ll probably never love any human soul
I’m stumbling and spiraling and laughing and cursing
And through my kaleidoscope all I see is my own empty void
Black and eerie and foreboding
Coming to aid my crucifixion


Love
Love
Love
Love

I found it in the sewers


Where rats die and **** and **** flow seamlessly

Stick around
Shucks shucks
Long necks like water pipes
You spout words I like
Words I like

The bench we sit on can’t hold our excitement
Our legs like jackhammers
****** wildly
And there’s no switch to turn them on or off
Our word centipede crawls into our butterfly bellies our
Awkwardly loud laughter
Fuels our one way-two-way train wreck
You’re funny
I like it
I like it

I’m twisting my wire pipe fingers into
Infinite loops
I won’t stop
Because there’s no clocks in our world
They only tick away for legs
Straight and solid like enslaved cement blocks that sway
Only when forced by the machines they’re trapped between
The machines that
Won’t let them stop moving
And we’re breathing
Breath as fluid and exact as the clocks that don’t exist
Between our bodies so fitting

I think gosh gee
I think
If I could
I’d tell you it’s okay to sit closer
And the sun wouldn’t be the only burning
Gem in this world
Ill float upstairs with you
And the overhead light of your staircase wouldn’t be the only bulb burning bright and bold
The mattress a pseudo pool
Of fierce waters
And shallow rivets
Hearts inside clamshells
That peak out
Hesitantly
From salty sweat erupting from jackhammer limbs
Invigorating
Tell me you mean it
My taste buds sting with your coat
Of dangerous bumpy roads
And car sick groans and moans
My head hits the window and then your shoulder blade
And lastly the front seat
Drive me away
No
Drive me home
Drive me straight into this pit of broken glass and wrecked car doors
****** specks against cracked windows
The cracked sunroof fills with debris
Blundering amongst a whirl of unexpected destruction
and the eyes remain glossy and indifferent
Where star dust and bellowing wolves
Sink silently
Glare slovenly with laser beam vision
Sneering
Sniffing for a heartbeat lightening bolt
Shiny pearly whites
Against
Rusty stained gums
Hurdling into each other with irrevocable force
Beneath the corset of Athena’s bloated body
Where babies curl underneath to go die
They bleed ****** blotches unto bruised blisters, bleak and bolted tight
By warrior instincts now
Infantile, fetal
Caused by the men who tore off more then they could chew
Chosen like a useless card in a mismatched deck
No second thoughts I said
Why me
I said why me
Floating into your room
I’m a piece of furniture
A lamp a chair your headboard beating fiercely against your brittle wall
You look at me with double vision while my eyelashes remain speckled with the tears of
Spotty speeches and surly surfing
Amongst warm waves of love god would be jealous of
I’ll say it again
Tell me you mean it

Sometimes I’ll feel so stricken with a sense of emptiness
That I’ll keel over
And my stomach will drop, and the sun will sting me in the eye
And I can’t breathe
The earth is a giant vacuum
And I’m trapped and I feel so unwanted
The hot air swarming around my nostrils
And I’ll hold my stomach
And tell myself this is it
This is where you brought yourself
And I’ll stare at the floor and I’ll feel so meek
Like an ant in a magnifying glass
Like their all laughing
With bared teeth, white gleaming eyes, like headlights coming at you
Fast and unforgiving
Then it stops
And I breathe and
breathe and
breathe
And it all stops
A kaleidoscope of fragments of light dancing around my eyes
I can see the tree tops
The leaves swaying lazily back and forth
And the clouds are swollen with cotton candy buoyancy
Gleaming
Beckoning me to climb all the way to the top
And the tops of the buildings, snaggletoothed, covered in filth and bird ****
Lots of bird ****
And I look at my arms
And I remember that I’m so impermanent



I should smile more often.

Yes, we’ll stop talking about it
I promise
There’s no need to talk about all that lost potential
I know, love
Love is harder than
The rocks I fall on and cut my knees with
When I’m not looking
Because there are so many better things to look at with my eyes
Than yours
And your voice
My ears shrivel up
Like a snail garnished with salt
I know, I’m so sorry
So sorry for all that lost time
Broken pocket watch
Repaired with angry hands
I’ll never have time to fix it
I’ll always be a minute or two late
Or three or four
Because who counts when it’s all a pink, burnt haze of mystery
And frustration
And hostility
And fleeting joy
That leaves me fiending for more
Until my head won’t stop pounding
I can see above those mountains again
I can see the whole world once more
And I am frightened
Those mountains unveil my meekness
And instead of feeling humble I curl my lip in disgust
Disgust that
Perpetuates my dissonance
And alienation from that pit of humanity that sits like a heavy stone in my stomach
Weighing on my shoddy lungs
Polluting me with that warm touch that will never flourish
No, I won’t let my eyes seem them any differently
Allow me to cower behind this rocky barricade
I can’t handle the splendor of all those lights
And all those beautiful fields warped into an endless kaleidoscope of green
Emanating kindness and acceptance
Am I doing that again?
Concentrating on those devilish details
I’m sorry, I’ll stop gazing from afar
I’ll move a little closer
And watch it all disintegrate
Into a pool of rejection
With white foam
Turning into trickling madness
My mind, yes
I almost forgot
I’ve misplaced that too
Maybe it’s with the cackling hyenas
Laughing manically at the warm desert sky
Laughing at death, and stupidly brave snakes, and the moons wispy glimmer
They’re so fragile
And ignorant
And brute
Like your perception of my sadness
I know, I don’t cry
My eyes have better things to look at
Than my own blurred pity
The toxic drizzle gets ever fiercer
Bones outside their musty cave
I’ll let them have it
I’ll die and let my parts lie and
Become sodden with dirt
Decaying until their specks of sand
Leaving me with only one question
Where will I scatter among these mounds of gold?
But I’ll have the last laugh
It’ll all drain away
But the cacti will still be there
Staring into the suns hypnotic warmth
Tall and sound
Moving only when the breeze sways them towards the sands silencing caress
They’ll only get to touch it
But they’ll never have it
They’ll never have peace
They’ll never be in pieces

Can’t find no happiness in this beautiful place
The bright yellow flowers just don’t seem to be putting that smile on my face
These dark curvy roads just seem to be a metaphor for this life
These abandon barnyards remind me of all my load of strife
And if I could just find one place as ugly as me
I’d take comfort in the fact I’m not the only thing hated by He
Call me cynical; ask me how I can carry such a frown
But maybe it’s time to escape that made up happiness that you seem to surround
I’ll jump into the open fields and dig myself a grave
Put a white cross so that maybe Jesus will save
But over time where I rest,  the field will develop its only barren spot
Rest in peace, you’ve created our only devil lot

Your words are a runaway train
Cart after cart
Of regret
And disappointment

You can’t stop explaining
And justifying
The reasons and the choices and the decisions
And why this and why not that

Your tremor
Holds back the true, paramount fear
Of living a life empty and unfulfilled
Dried up oasis
Of what was and never was

We always forget that we are going to die

I wish I could tell you that it’s okay

I love you and your golden brown eyes
I love touching your hand
And having something to love
When my heart gets down to its lowest point
And I need someone so desperately to hang onto
So my panic
And my emptiness
And all those people
Don’t close in on me
With intentions to violently consume me
Dragging me
Into their cold irreparable pit
Spitting me back out
just
tatters
of
flesh
and
bone
left

Sometimes I forget that I need you so much


And if Death suddenly snatched you away
Took you apart
Unwove you

Through my eyes
The world would stop spinning
The sun would stop shining
Every flower would rot
Every building would fall to the floor

Because you may have felt nothing while here
But you are everything to me
And without you
The world isn’t a bearable wasteland
It’s just a million broken pieces
Cutting into me
As I wander aimlessly
******
Disillusioned and hungry for what no longer exists

And I’ll never be lulled into a comfortable slumber ever again

You don’t love me
I want to be hard and impenetrable
I never want to feel wanted
Your fingertips
Tracing themselves over my arms
Again
And
Again
In perfect unison
“I do love you”
“I do love you”
“I do…”
Until my eyes give in to your hypnotic reassurance

Forever and always

My goal is to become invisible. Accept my awkwardness. Don’t mind the pitter patter of my talkative feet. They have nothing worthy to say. Please, walk by me; let me feel your gust of perfumed wind. I want nothing more than your inattention. Your glance reassures my confused existence, my selfish questioning of this life the twisting pain of my inability to connect with these fellow beings. My heart is here, but I have buried it under the thickening of my skin. I skinned the layers off everyone who crawled inside my safe spot and turned where I could hide into an exposition; robbed me of my sanctuary, so their skin I harvested for this façade of carelessness. Eye contact isn’t acceptable dear stranger, because my eyes don’t know how to keep their mouths shut. I will tell you tales I don’t dare tell myself. Power walk to your SUVS, be among your own kind. Let my outline drip onto the cold sidewalks, walk all over my skin with your designer shoes, feed my organs to your dogs and cats, dispose of this weary face. Maybe if I become part of this ***** utopia, there will be no reason to stare; you won’t be able to tell the difference between your new Wal-Mart and my decrepit body.

But I tell myself I don’t need it

Brow furrowed, eyes shifty
Always trying to tell my heart to shut up
Listening to it gets me nowhere
No thanks, it’s too dangerous of a mission
What’s that?
Your rapid heartbeats don’t resonate
Houston; abort

But I tell myself I don’t need it

The hugging, the laughter, the sparkle in others eyes
I’d rather be a napkin in the corner of the street
Existing in a permanent state of rejection
Once desired for a purpose no longer
Once sought after for a grimy hand in need
Now free to blow away at my convenience; haphazardly, twitching down the bumpy road, soiled with the dirt of my one human encounter
Maybe I’ll make a decent home for a cockroach
Or simply dissolve into the urban street I was tossed into

But I tell myself I don’t need it

So where’s my gun?

Where’s my bottle of pills?

Where’s the bus I’ve been waiting on?

Recklessness is deaths pawn
And they make a flawless team
I feel them lurking in

Every bottle I drink
Every cigarette I smoke
Every dark street I walk alone on

But I tell myself I don’t need it

It’s the wisp of the wind
The transparency of a glass
The soul of a person
I grab it in the palm of my hand, clutching to its fleeting warmth
Only knowing after it’s gone I’ll resume being cold and empty

But I tell myself I don’t need it

But there’s a thin line between what we want and what we need

So I’ll be the battered wife that stays with her abusive husband
I’ll be the alcoholic with a bible and a cross
I’ll be the homophobic man with a secret male lover
Hoping the next day I won’t awake
So everything I stuff down and suffocate will wither away inside my casket
Because the worst thing you can do is let them know
Let them know you are it
You are what they need

So I’ll gaze down this building and hope I’ll inch too close
And become a bit dizzy
And laugh a bit nervouslessy
And tease the edge with the tip of my shoe
And feel the blood rushing
To my nose
And my head
And feel the ground sinking
And the wind flowing
Hands shaking
And the rock it’s tittering, falling so fast
Gravity kills it in one swoop like it never even mattered
And the ground it all looks so awfully far away
Is this right? Is it? What about everyone else?
I’m so ******* sweaty and I’m thinking of everything of all the scenarios
The do’s and the don’ts’ and whether I should’ve given Jesus a shot
And the tears are gushing a salty mask all across my cold face
And I’ll fall and prove to them all that I was nothing but an intangible feeling
And they’ll all cry and think I was something
Worth feeling and touching and believing in and…

But I tell myself I don’t need it

You do not deserve to know everything about me
I am a yellow tulip amongst red roses
Come closer, you may like what you find
Come closer, you may find that you don't

I will not make any promises that I am any good
Although unassuming externally, you may find that
when you sift through my petals,
that when all is said and done,
I am nothing more than an ugly lie
And I will not care

I do not live or die for anyone
The Earth is my Mother
The Sun, my Father
I will grow whether you water me or not
My life will be the buzzing of the bees, the rainy days, the occasional bunny nibbling on my fragile leaves
I will die when the ground is tired of my presence
I will wilt because it was meant to be
Not because I was crushed by the unforgiving sole of your shoe

Destroy me.


I will always grow back.

It's just a drink
Batting eyelashes
Stuck in the headlights of your bullheaded vehicle
I should expect road **** but my legs stand trembling
The rev of your engine
Your cigarette smoke threatening me with its twisted claws
Your words are as empty as the fog
That creates our love
That should've been aborted when you first held me in your arms

It's too short for all of this
I watched you lag your dusty luggage across desolate lands
Zion seemed as close as your face the night we decided to look at each other for the very first time
Zion my river
My albatross
Yes I walked atop your river
And found your empty bottles floating around my ankles instead

Ill trade you my legs if
Helps you stand
As proud as the podium I know
Exists for you
And my god
I love you
Please believe me again

If the sky looks too scary
I know honey brown eyes
Glazed hams that remind me of  dinners
And talk that was as fake as the branches on our immortal Christmas tree limbs
The three sharp spokes in my fork seem better fitting for veins and empty palms
Then this plate floating on a table of balled up fists and brittle finger nails

Find your rooftop and yell my name
Ill extend my fingers like vines
Crawl down me
Lay me on the floor
Our shallow breathing will find its way through our lungs again
Don't apologize my darling
My purpose
Zion is this sidewalk we're sprawled across the day I thought you found salvation in the sidewalks menacing cracks
This blood never did me any good until I felt your chest beat life into me
I tell you
I said
******
I tell you
I cried
We don't have to speak any more
We'll rock to the sway of the mellow breeze and find our balance when our eyes find one another's

I tell you
I cried

My body never had a better purpose

We are on the brink of destruction
but
we have scientific proof
that
science is
to blame

Civilization
is a constant work in progress
and boy,
did we get it
to finally look at itself in the mirror
and stare at the
dark red glaze
on
its
hands


I'm not sorry animal kingdom
you know as well as I
that competition
is a
way
of
life

I guess I'd be a sore loser too
if my bed was the
******
hollow
carcasses
of everyone I've
ever
loved

But you don't really know
what it's like
to
feel
love
and
depression

We got it down to a science

It's always packaged tightly on
any drug store shelf
you set
your eyes
on

I'm not sorry fellow man
you need to
face the error
of your
ways

You write
books about it,
create movies about it,
talk on those news shows about it

But that
fire
and
water
and all those dark clouds in the sky

aren't tuning in.

I avoid writing poems about flowers  

I don’t need to tell you that roses
Bright, blood red, placed perfectly atop a broccoli-green vine,
Existing solely for the purpose of atheistic pleasure
Is something that is beautiful

Put a white background behind anything and it becomes beautiful

Flowers are more than a hyped-up beauty pageant queen that those old white women grow to fill their voids with

They sometimes manage to grow in my neighborhood too

Once prominent Victorian homes now squalid and neglected
Weathered wood, dirt embedded in the sea-foam green, navy blue, eggshell white paint they were once coated with

Trash thrown in front of their faces
Like their appalling forms granted validity for those who passed by to toss their gum wrappers, soda cans, and cigarettes without hesitation

It’s an age-old tale

Ugly things deserve ugly treatment

I’ll always spot a savage grove of mutt flowers
Amongst the trash cans and recycle bins
Struggling to make their way to the surface of these rejected homes
Acknowledging them, coddling them, interweaving themselves along their battered walls
Ignorant to their repugnancy
Eager to decorate and give them an evanescent glow
Sad too,
Sad they didn’t grow in front of some rich family’s home
Where they would’ve been given weekly haircuts and fertilizer containing only the best **** on the market

They wilt a little
They have no direction,
No will to live or to die

They exist and sit there until a bike runs them over
And takes them out in one swoop

Or until those stray dogs **** and **** on them until their weak
Frames fall staunchly onto the grave sidewalk

Exquisite wild lepers,

You do more for society than I ever could

You’ll sit there with a dutiful posture
Harboring old McDonald French Fry boxes
Eating the sewer-infested dirt that you laboriously grew from
Constantly breathing air swarmed with smog

Beautiful because,

Despite it all,

You don’t hate them

You’ll peek at me through your prison of trash and give me a flash of your purple and blue skin

And

My eyes feel your love and serenity

And for a moment,

The world is nothing but a kaleidoscope of warm skin and heartbeats