I couldn't see the sun
until I met your
beautiful eyes

I fell in love with you five times
the first when you gradated
I've never cheered or let alone
screamed someones name so loud
that I had to cover my mouth
for being so embarrassed I had yelled
out your name in a crowd full of strangers
the second time was at the lake
when you held me in your arms while
my body still touched water
and your eyes glistened for the first time
I saw a future written with me in it
the third time you bought me a ring
for our 6 month anniversary
you spent hours looking for one and when
you popped it open and started to record
I couldn't think
is that what a proposal from you will feel like
the forth time
you chose me over your mother
but only for a second and I could feel
you finally being mine
the fifth and final time
is still sadly now

you're ugly inside and out
you said as we fought over
who was right or wrong for
the hundredth time
those words punctured me
took away my beauty that
had flourished steadily
in a body that rejected herself
you brought me back to that state
to where I thought maybe I was ugly
and you too would decide even a flower
will eventually start to decay
I was the flower you loved
the flower you picked from soil
only to be tossed away by the words
that drained from the lips I've kissed
many times from corner to corner
you took away my self-love
the beauty I held in my hand for only
me to see how little but surely it
had been growing just for you
to say so harshly
you're ugly inside and out

massacring mood for jokes
little bells during months
symbolize the whims
the bed displayed
he decided the last thing
he would ever do for her
he reached the limits of his patience
within a few hours that bed
dedicated a second time
he insisted on photographing
imagined hypocrisy
and loose women

disclaimer
I am not thin
I am not the girl you can see through
my curves build edges upon mountains
that you climb to reach the top
only to find I weigh just a bit much
I put on my tinder profile
the I'm over 160 just in case
the time we meet disappointment will
strike you because I'm not so thin
you'll see the extra of me
that can't be tucked in blue jeans
you'll see the skin rolling into
hills of a much larger me
disclaimer
I am not skinny

I am an old thrifted shirt
that you squeal in delight
when you see I'm only
three dollars and some change
you'll wear me once or twice
I'm happy with just that
to hug your body in my
clothing would be just fine

let me carry you through
water tides that crash
against your thighs
let me love you
through air that has
sunken words out of your mouth
let me be you through
winds that graze through your
many fields that hold
different versions of you
let me call you mine
through letting my voice
be carried out into yours
to sink into your skin
and find a place to settle
into a body filled with
life that I can never obtain

Time is precious
yet so complex
when it standstills for
the likes of me
I took advantage of my time
with you
and time started to pass us by
until it ran out and the clock
stopped ticking by
I'm sorry for wasting your time
you didn't waste mine

For younger me
I’d tell you to not stop counting the stars
because your dreams are not just silly daydreams
i’d tell you not to trace constellations with your
Fingertips delicately as you resemble your life anew
i’d tell you that not reaching for the sky is something
you should never do
i’d tell you that mistakes happen
that life has a way to play games that you may not want
to partake in but remember your life has value
I'd tell you to be strong and loving to yourself
and always remember that your body is a forsaken place
for only you to pray too
i’d tell you that boys don't matter and *** is not taboo
but maybe so young it just isn't the right time for you
i’d tell you that you're going to fall a lot
but taking the leaps to that fall is the greatest achievement of all
You'll constantly fail but failure leads to determination to follow
the dreams you've put behind you
oh my young self live freely
because one day you'll be trapped in a cage filled with self hate
if you do not love yourself so young like you should do
my young self love and prosper on
live your dreams beyond you
Remember that life is short and once you turn twenty
life starts over and soon ill find myself to a young you

why did you cheat on me
it ran through my mind
that I never got the closure
I needed to unwind this
haunting question on my mind
was it me or was it you
did I do something to deserve this
could I have prevented this
was this punishment for something I did
I couldn't wrap my brain around it
and like a snake it suffocated me
until I eventually blacked out all feelings
do you realize sleep was now not a luxury to me
because to sleep meant I had to dream
of the memory of you with her
I mean not me
to be awake meant to think
meant to play it on repeat until
it started to devour me
why would you cheat
when it meant breaking me
do you realize I'm broken
with or without you
I wish I never meet you

your mother with her curly red hair
hated the brunette you brought in
she couldn't stand the presence of me
in the house she called home and
you as her precious son was a place she
always called home from within her soul
she noted me worthless and i couldn't object
because all of everything i was didn't matter to her
i was the **** of the earth for her blonde boy son
who didn't dare lick his tongue with a grain of salt
to talk back and defend my name against all the
Inhumane ways she described me to countless friends
your mother with her beautiful house that she called home
i was a stranger too looking in for a way to get in
because you too where her home and you did not have a
key for me to press against you to let me in
i was locked out of my own relationship doomed from the
Beginning when i was told i was not welcomed in
your mom told me I was never allowed back
that i had to stay and mind my own and you
you could not see me for even a little
and you didn't even fight back
but how could you when you were her son
who didn't compare to being rebellious with your
Perfect personality that could not be tarnished by
the very likes of me
no i was not allowed in your mothers beautiful home
i was not allowed to argue or protest and you
stood idly by as i watched you from the outside
Leaning on your very own mothers chest
waiting for you to say id be allowed into your heart
but on your mothers protest i stayed outside
Lurking in a body that was deemed unworthy
by a red headed women that said home is not
where her sons heart is

why don't you weigh less
why aren't you pretty enough
why do you look so manly
why aren't you looking like a girl
thoughts like these run through our heads
we tear the foundations are bodies have built
peel back the cement that holds our walls
so that were naked to a vulnerable state
of wanting more than what our bodies can offer
to the home I stand on that I've learned not to love
to the home I've broken windows to
to prevent home invasion from words that I say
to myself
I hate you
to have this body that seeks the comfort of me
only to get betrayal from the person she seeks
the very comfort of
I'm sorry I don't call you home enough
I'm sorry I'm not the person to obtain a body of such
I love you even though sometimes
I dont show that you are home

put your tongue
inside the abyss of my mouth
let me swallow your entire being
as you try to wiggle out
you've done this to me
dried me out of my own self
left me hanging in the wind
and finally oh finally do I see
the empty shallow being you've left of me
don't be afraid when you see only my eyes
in the darkness that now engulfs you
for I am everything you need now
and I'm here forever even if you don't need me

purple dress
yellow shoes
heaven shines on you
red hair twirling
in sunlight caught
by wind blowing
tip toe dancing
on my sides with you
watching our lips
meet to reproduce
a kiss with you
throw me up into the
sky with your hands
and watch me twirl
with the stars that dance

it makes sense that I'm ugly
all the beauty in the world
had been put into the making of her

I really hope you know
that I hate you
and it's not the type of hate
that boils my blood with your name
it's the hate of all the what if's that
continue in my brain
because what if I never said what I did
what if I never asked you all those things
what if I never threw my hands up in surrender
what if I actually fought back and gave a ****
those what if's cloud my mind
pull the strings of my heart to take me back to a
time where I could have loved you more than
I showed you that I did
to a time where my heart found yours and collided
with the other half that was me
I wish I couldn't hate you
the past mistake that fills you
but for now I'll hate what could have been
and stick with my what if's

the clock struck midnight
I wasn't Cinderella losing her shoe
it was a whole eight months without you
and there was nothing I could do
to reverse losing you

I wish the moon
would always kiss
the sun when he
showed up in dusk
until it met with dawn
I wish he'd pass her by
slowly to admire her beauty
that radiated off her and shone
on all the stars to see
I wish the moon would
realize  the sun
was the only star in the night sky
that stayed with him on the other side

I’m tired of being seen as a *****
My clothes do not determine my
Self worth that shields this body
I’m contained in by society’s views
Of what woman should do
I am not a *****
The words thrown at my face
Used by those who don’t wish to
Spread their legs
I am not a *****
By the way I dress
The way I speak
The way I look
You do not define me
A ***** if you decide to call
Me that so viciously
Maybe look in a mirror
And write the words
That speak from lip to lip
Over to where my ear is
Because I am not the *****
You speak of so easily

*** is a beautiful thing
I've never seen two bodies
connect with their souls on
top of their heads that make
noises far too able to comprehend
I see two lovers kiss
mouths gliding over another
and deeper into her body
but when I see you
look past the body and into
your lifeless eyes as she gazes
beyond those eyes and into
another world for too much
for me to understand
I wonder where you go
when she's thinking of your touch
your body melting into hers
I wonder if *** is something you
crave with her
or something you've denied to long for

echo into the night
that I wish you were here
only to be found in the moons
bitterness of a starless night

daylight breaks through my window
you're still not here to hold me though
oh where did you go
why did you leave me to
watch the sun through the window

I regret being with you
and I can't wait to look
you in those ugly blue eyes
and tell you how worthless
you are to me

im not as nice to myself
as I am to other people
who love their bodies
for being so simple
I hate my body that
isn't consisted of home
I hate that I am not beautiful
like the girl crossing the road
im ugly towards myself
pulling at my fat saying
why can't you away and
let me be skinny
I scream at my acne
saying why can't you be
clear like girls on magazines
im cruel to a body that has always
supported me and let me
call it home
I love myself
let me be home

when you opened your camera
my vulnerability sank through
eyes wide open mouth glued shut
I couldn't resist the flash that
reflected my openness face
the camera sees into things
that I don't want it to
pushed up against a pillow
my body tangled in air
being a victim to your camera
that continues to record
don't see through me
don't let it flash against my
naked body thats only supposed
to be touched by human hands
and not the flash of a camera

through the eyes of you
maybe ill see myself anew
maybe Ill see the beauty
you hold in your hand for me
the love you feel through
picked roses on a field
id like to believe in your
eyes that id be a dream come true

your room is so weird
he whispered in the dead silence
I stared at him through the night filled darkness
that surrounded us two not quite lovers
But rather strangers who shared the same bed
i whispered back what in a silence that was paused
he didn't answer but rather slept
Slept on the idea of us just being there together
But not really together just existing in another
presence
was my room really weird with no theme
that matched the gray walls dipped with
Radom wall decor
was my room the definition of me
a cluttered mess with no compass to guide me
was he right that maybe my room was the very
subject of my absolute being
he slept so peacefully after insulting me
disgusted i tugged the blanket over my face
hiding the ugly room that i had painted
that i had decorated to describe me in every way
but my room was weird so what exactly did that make me

sunset eyes that take
away the beauty thats
placed in the skyline
meet with my puddled blue
eyes and kiss me with sunset skies