Bad luck is hunting me down,
No matter where I travel,
Whether in the country or in the town,
Thirteen is the number tattooed on my soul.

I'm thirteen, black cat, spilling-the-salt,
I demolish all goodness,
Forget all that I've been taught,
I'm thirteen, black cat, a pavement crack,
I destroy the passion,
I'm the weight that's on your back,
I'm thirteen, black cat, crossing-the-knives,
I damage her wisdom,
I'm working on breaking lives.

16:16,
The moment i was born,
16:16,
Now i am forlorn,
16:16,
The time that hell was born.

09-08,
The day that i appeared,
09-08,
Now i drown in fears,
09-08,
The date that no one hears.

It's '84,
The year creation came,
It's '84,
Now i am to blame,
It's '84,
You gave invention names.

(Just in case you hadn't noticed - i was born on the 9th August 1984 at 16:16p.m.)

1.

For my sister this Christmas,
I wish joy and laughter,
I wish you happiness and love,
For now and forever and ever-after,
I wish you the bliss this season brings,
Everyday of your life,
Every second you live,
For my sister this Christmas,
I wish these wondrous things.

2.

Dear brother, hear the sleigh bells,
Hear them ringing aloud,
Watch the snow fall down in time,
To the story that they tell,
They tell of children smiling with glee,
They tell of happy times,
And the family that surrounds thee.

3.

Father, may the memories stay,
Forever in your mind,
And I pray all the peace and wonder,
You will always find,
Will last until eternity,
With every festive time.

4.

You made this year so special,
Mother, you made us all complete,
You made us smile and be cheerful,
You gave us food to eat,
The love that surrounds us,
Every time you are near,
Will always be with us,
Each and every year.

5.

Andrew, at Christmas,
I pray you are happy,
I pray you are pleased,
With all the treasure you receive,
Look to the New Year,
With hope in your heart,
And cherish every moment,
Every beat of your heart.

6.

To a dear Grandmother,
You always make us smile,
We're always glad you're here,
And at Christmastime especially,
We're truly glad you're near.

7.

Auntie, this is my Christmas wish,
I wish that you know kindness,
The joy of a Christmas wish,
I hope you realise that you are dearly loved,
So enjoy this festive season,
With family,
With love.

8.

Sarah, it is Christmas,
The snow begins is dance,
The candle follows suit,
Joining the chanting trance,
The tree is decorated,
In reds, silvers, gold's,
This is a very special time,
That in your heart you'll hold.

I can dance,
I can act,
I can sing,
I am a clown.

Watch me dance and fall down,
Laugh at me,
Laugh with me,
I don't care for I am a clown.

Want to hear a joke?
Knock, knock and what do you get...?
An open door, a busy tent,
The ringmaster cracks his whip and on I run with the animals,
In time to the beat I tap my feet,
I am a clown.

I can cry,
I can feel,
I can laugh,
I am a clown.

Watch me sweep the spotlight,
Applaud when I'm done,
Applaud but not in awe,
I am a clown.

Am I the only person who doesn't get the gag?
Am I the only puppet person?
Pull my strings and I'll do what you want me to,
I am a clown,
But I don't feel the laughter that you do,
It's hard to laugh - so on with the make-up - a front.

Oh, to climb the ladder and do the trapeze,
Or walk the high wire,
But no!  I am a clown,
Respect?
"Sorry you're a clown."

I gave up,
I gave in,
Gave my all,
But I am a clown.

Don't bother to watch the tears,
Disregard the sad clown,
Disregard the talent of farce,
"You're a clown, you don't feel."

The darkroom is where I belong,
On a photo to bring joy, to make people laugh,
I make you laugh - I can command you,
But I know that when you go home,
Your lips won't mention me except to condescend,
It's an art! I trained at RADA you know.

So home I go,
Alone,
To a place where I can cry,
Into the arms of my wife,
See my children run to me,
The ones who know me,
That's what it's all been for,
Now I truly am a smiling clown,
It's not so bad as a clown at home.

My face was disfigured when i joined the circus,
A purposeful disguise,
To cover the sadness in my eyes,
The hurt in my voice is silenced behind a mime of joy,
Freaks of the circus never matter,
Hidden beneath grotesque chatter,
I cry inside when i hear their jeers,
The joke of all my peers,
The skill of failing when flying high,
Is the skill of dying when the chances pass you by,
Driven into a shell that from the ocean sprang,
This circus freak will dwell,
Oh the tales i could tell,
If i hadn't given in,
If only i never fell.

Once I've been told,
My feelings will not enhance your world,
Should I move on?
Should I continue my course?
Should I freeze here?
Should I stay by your side?

Will our friendship suffer?
Will our happiness be compromised?
Will I lose your love?
More love than I already lost, I lost it!
I mislaid the passion,
Or were you just unwilling to give it?

What is a grown-up?
Can anybody tell?
I know a thousand words
And can cast a million spells,
My father loses sense,
And his potions are often wrong,
What is a grown-up?
Can anybody tell?

You see the grown-up when with youthful eyes,
As someone strong,
Never do wrong,
And always standing tall,
I see the grown-up now with damaged sight,
As someone weak,
An evil streak,
And always crushing dreams.

What is a grown up?
Can anybody tell?
I know a thousand tales,
And can see a million souls,
My mother loses plots,
And her vision is often blind,
What is a grown-up?
Can anybody tell?

Shutting down,
My immune system fails,
Vulnerable to the germs that breed about the town,
One mistake,
Protection wasn’t used,
Vulnerable to the taunts that make my soft heart break.

Although my heart is broken,
Words only cut so deep,
I know that I am human,
Even as I drift to endless sleep.


For advice and help – please contact any of the organisations below:
Terrence Higgins Trust
Web: www.tht.org.uk
Helpline: 0845 1221 200
Offers free and confidential services for people with ***.

Positively Women
Web: www.positivelywomen.org.uk
Helpline: 020 7713 0222 (staffed by *** positive women: Mon-Fri 10am-4pm)

Aidsmap
Web: www.aidsmap.com
Information, news and resources for people with *** and AIDS.

I dedicate this poem to all those who are suffering from ***/AIDS, those the world has loved and lost through ***/AIDS and to all of those affected by ***/AIDS.

I'm blowing up the balloons,
And flying the banners high,
Ready for the party,
Aiming for the sky,
I turned twenty-one,
And was ready for the world,
I took her in my arms,
Spun her round; we twirled.

It happened so fast,
A secret revealed,
A heart is shattered,
A world is changed,
A life is altered,
Loose ends and angered ropes,
The death of a thief,
Who stole to save his soul,
And all in a week.

I overcome,
I undergo,
I suffer the pain,
That no one should know,
I struggle,
I glide,
I always believe,
And I need to hide,
I welcome,
I fear,
An altering circus of emotions,
And all in a year.

(Song title from The Beatles catalogue, by Lennon/McCartney)

All you need is love, they say,
But famine, war and hunger get in the way,
Same old hatred,
Same old fear,
Plays out within my brain day by day.

I can’t understand the fray,
The bitter denial in all that we say,
Such angry words,
Angry stares,
And still they say, “all you need is love”.

No balloons,
No streamers or birthday cards,
A year has passed me by,
Alone and cold until i die,
My birthday is another day,
Just another day alone,
In the darkened room,
Watching the moon,
Was isolated too soon,
Alone with a candle,
My birthday gloom.

Already missing your touch,
The warm embrace of love,
The silent self-evaporation,
The ease you send my way,
The tenderest of sensations.

Already missing your laugh,
The sweet endearing sound,
The content expression of being,
The vibes that cheer my heart,
The wonder of all i'm seeing.

Surrounded by people,
Day and night connecting,
Very few get in,
Very few see beyond the smile; the joy,
So i often feel like a person outside,
Like a person who's always lived alone.

Listened to an old VoiceMail,
Just to hear you speak,
That soft spoken tenderness,
With the American twist.

I cried as I heard you,
Tears of sadness,
Tears of joy,
Tears of memory,
Tears of laughter,
Tears of pain,
Tears that flowed like angry rain.

Listened to an old VoiceMail,
Just to hear you talk,
That smooth subtle caressing,
With the American twist.

To rise above the shoulders of others,
To see the things they can’t,
Pointing out the errors of law,
Taking a stand when falling down,
Accused of sins and crossing lines,
Anarchic behaviour built on honest minds,
Crushed by labels – a society wrapped in vines.

...And we went,
Beyond and over,
March to the fall,
No longer able,
Collapsed,
Knees crumbling beneath,
Gone away,
Can you see us?
Remember us,
...And we went.


(This is poem is dedicated to all the brave men and women who fought and did their part for our world in WW1 1914 - 1918.)

(Song title from The Beatles’ catalogue, by Lennon/McCartney)

I dream of a day,
A far off place where we’re together,
Your hand would be held in mine,
And your bird can sing its song,
Aloud.

When people look at you in that way,
Don't be offended,
It's only because they see you smiling and laughing,
They wonder why,
They wonder how one person can achieve the incomprehensible,
When they're alone.

It's an envious look,
They are envious of what you have,
I'm sure you've glared like this,
It's an envious look,
An envious look will lead to an envious love.

When a candle dies out,
The wax remains; forever marking the end of an era,
Hours of light and bliss,
Victorian darkness,
Don't run from your fear - stare into the eyes of an evil,
And turn his leaf when he has not the strength to do so.

It's an envious love they try to create,
See your passion and yearn for years,
And create, and invent it,
It's unreal,
It's fake,
Learn how to love a single truthful way.

Do not deviate from your own course,
Do not quit the desire of Indian dreams,
Do not try to seek someone else's path,
Go your own way,
And hold your hope tightly in view,
Treasure each trinket, each truth, each treasure, each tiny tumble on the way.

Another angel flown,
Joined Heavens chorus,
In the 27 Club,
Whose life touched all of us.

Another angel made,
Her face in the clouds,
In the 27 Club,
She entertains the crowds.

Another angel born,
Taken from the Earth,
In the 27 Club,
She never saw her worth.

Dedicated to the talented Amy Winehouse who departed this world at the tender age of 27. You will be sorely missed

War is an antique invention,
But unlike an antique the value is worthless,
The only valuable assets are lost,
We **** and ****** the brains of souls and hearts,
Guts, blood, **** and ****,
Bones, flesh, teeth and nails,
All the arms and legs of death around,
Bodies challenged to decay under the suns' rays,
War is an antique invention.

War is an antique invention,
And just like an antique it's passed its sell-by date,
The only date to know; the funeral,
We ****, ****** and bury the evidence,
Mud, moss, grass and sand,
Six feet underground,
All the arms and legs stuffed in coffins,
Bodies challenged to rot and waste away like tears,
War is an antique invention.

Looking into numb eyes,
Lifeless eyes of youth,
It’s wrong,
It’s shouldn’t happen,
Unimaginable pain,
Like shards of glass as falling rain,
Cutting deeper,
Cutting pieces away,
No parent should feel this way,
But fragments of their beating heart,
Just slowly trickle away.

The paper is torn open,
A shiny shimmering gold,
Lay in streams on the floor,
With rivers of cello-tape stretched between,
Under the seasons of wrap you find a gift,
A present to receive,
From those who loved you and those who you love,
Birthday present,
A photograph frame,
To capture the smile and store it on your shelf,
To never forget the perfect Birthday present,
A memory.

The prison walls are tall,
And I feel so small,
The delicate tapestry is formed,
And my head is horned,
I can attack,
I can attack,
I can release the demons,
I can grieve and apologise for the punishment now that I have suffered.

Put centre stage,
In the spotlight,
On the hot seat,
My life on the line,
I apologise.

The trees can reach the moon,
I will join them soon,
The devious genius lives on,
He thinks up a con,
He can't battle,
He can't battle,
He can't free all the nightmares,
He can't cry or feel sorrow for crimes he committed for he's not suffered.

Feeling the heat,
Being questioned,
Firing line,
His sanity cracked,
They apologise.

An apology to the victim of lifelessness,
An apology to the evil of creativity,
An apology to the creature of diamond madness.

Birds return to the lilac petals,
And bees begin to gather,
Those gentle showers make the roses grow,
April,
Aprilis,
Aphrodite,
No more hibernation,
The sun starts to warm the earth,
Happiness, glee and birth.

I took a ride on the gospel train,
I saw Jesus with a gun,
He stood smiling as he shot me dead,
Underneath the evening sun.

I took a ride on the gospel train,
I saw Mary drowning God,
She stood smiling as he breathed his last,
On a cross, nails through his rod.

I took a ride on the gospel train,
I saw Judas saying prayers,
He stood crying as he asked his words,
But he knew no one was there.

I took a ride on the gospel train,
I saw myself from behind,
I stood laughing as i bent on down,
To let Jesus seek and find.

I say a silent prayer in your honour every night,
Before I lay my head to rest with the darkness of the light,
I pray that I’ll remember and never forget your smile,
And hope to stay enchanted by the way you beguiled,
I say to God the words I hate to say,
“Look after my beloved until I come to stay.”

See just how his blood spills,
The man whose gun has failed in fear,
Fearful; afraid of his own power,
A soldier, a moral soldier,
On the search for safety.

See just how the war explodes,
Its aim lost in the midst of anger,
Angered; furiously fuelled by prejudice,
A battle; an illegal, out of control sight,
On the brink of hatred.

He plays among the stars,
Throwing space dust in my eyes,
******* in orbit,
A spaceman,
My love.

Will you hold onto me?
Will feel the pulse drain from my body?
Will you be there at the end?

As I get colder,
And my skin and form look older,
And you feel my soul disappear,
Will you be right here?

Will you hold onto me?
Will feel the pulse drain from my body?
Will you be there at the end?

At the end of a rainbow lay a basket,
A basket full of eggs,
And in each egg lay a message,
'I died, I rose again to give you freedom,
To bring you Easter day'.

Summer still trips over every waterfall,
There are no clouds in the blue at all,
The heat is ever increasing and the leaves start to melt,
This must be the exact same feelings God once felt,
When creating the Earth.

Summer drifts between the day and night,
But night begins to chill without the light,
First signs of Autumn creep into view,
The crunch under foot, a sensation so new,
When traveling the Earth.

In sheer desperation I hide,
No one can see; gone,
Removed from the flaming eyes,
The burning glare; probing,
Mourning myself; I changed,
For you I altered my views; shifted,
And now you've left me; gone,
A whole person; gone,
A whole person to whom I don't belong.

A year older today,
Another new beginning,
Start my life from this moment,
Open the presents,
One from Dad,
One from Mum,
Feeling happy,
Never glum.

Don't know if i approve,
Or believe in the institution,
But i'll enjoy the fruits of love,
I'll pay no care to others anger,
It's such lilliputian*,
Compared to death, pain and war,
Just *** in sin,
I'm not a *****.

Beyond the dream is a place,
A land of gold,
A world of imagination,
Created beyond a dreamers conscious.

Beyond the dream I am gone,
I'm gone today,
To go to invention,
And become a castle of photos - smiling faces.

Beyond the drum,
Beyond the harp,
Beyond the lonely whistle,
Beyond the dream,
Beyond the thought,
Beyond the frightened nightmare.

Birthday,
Birthday,
Come my way,
Birthday,
Birthday,
Head my way,
Birthday,
Birthday,
Make my day,
Birthday,
Birthday,
Be me day,
Birthday,
Birthday

(Song title from Lead Belly’s catalogue, by Ledbetter)

Poor black Betty is scared of walking alone,
The boys throw stones,
They use their words to break her bones,
Poor black Betty is still scared in twenty-ten,
Attacked again,
Surrounded by bad, racist men,
Poor black Betty is lowered into the ground,
No life, no sound,
Maybe now some peace can be found.

Take a drink,
Stare up high,
Give a wink,
Wave goodbye.

My mind goes blank,
My heart goes slow,
My soul turns bare,
my life turns off.

Take a pill,
See it fade,
Aim to feel,
Hell is made.

Trip over,
All my lies,
To cover,
My strength flies.

My love gets lost,
My dream gets scared,
My song is soft,
My page is blank.

I go blank,
I go blank,
I go blank,
I go blank.

Blankness in the blanket,
Blankness in the bleakness,
Blankness in the boredom,
Blankness in the background,
Blankness in the brashness.

Dinner for two,
Just us - me and you,
Romance and fine wine,
Maybe then you'll be mine,
Bow tie, top hat and tails,
This will surely never fail,
We belong together,
In heaven, bliss and love forever.

Break my bones,
I want to know if I can feel anything,
The ******* has filled me with anxiety,
I want to snort life in its entirety,
Imagine the possibilities inside of me.

It’s strange how the final whisper of air escapes,
And the warmth that once resided inside turns to ice at the touch,
That final breath frozen,
Like a spirit or soul,
Searching,
Seemingly seeking a home.

This bright future that I heard about,
Is moving further away,
And as the fires of destruction burn,
I approach Armageddon Day.

A bright future that I yearn to see,
Is painted in shiny gold,
As the sparkle of that magic place dies,
My mind quakes as winter takes hold.

The bright future that mother promised,
Has now all broken apart,
And as the shards of that wonderland fall,
Nothing can heal my shattered heart.

What bright future’s around the corner?
What should I expect to see?
I hope to see the sunshine pouring in,
Stop the lightning raining on me.

The crucifix is broken,
My bible is in flames,
I lit the candle,
I banned my prayers,
The skies are make-believe.

My epitaph reads 'broken',
The stars all burst to shame,
I destroy the hymn,
Forced God to shy,
The heavens won't receive.

Bread of flesh,
Wine of blood,
A stolen gospel,
A broken chalice,
The altar bows down before me,
A priest dies,
A diciple cries,
Leaving me broken,
Just broken.

Broken heaven,
Stolen soul,
My heart was torn and tattered,
My life was burnt and buried,
All because you ran away,
All because you made me pay,
Broken heaven,
Stolen soul.