They say when you die you live on,
But the feeling of emptiness and sadness,
Has been powerful since you’ve been gone,
But somewhere in the depth of my heart,
I will keep you living an eternal life,
Knowing that until my hereafter; we’ll never part.

Shut my eyes,
Prepare for the long sleep,
An endless stream of silence,
A land where I can see with focus,
My vision open wide,
I step outside my body,
And understand what happens inside.

Although all that remains is dust,
I feel your spirit rise above,
Though time has past and your plaque now rusts,
I feel your spirit rise above,
Now the funeral smoke has cleared,
I feel your spirit rising high,
Time now diminishes all I feared,
I feel your spirit rising high.

Show mercy,
Help us heal the pain,
Take us to a paradise,
Lead us from the rain,
Have mercy.

Listen,
It beats,
Steady,
Controlled,
But,
Irregular,
It goes.

Listen,
My heart,
Changes,
Pattern,
Stopped,
Fainter; softer,
It slows.

Listen,
It beats,
Even,
Controlled,
Yet,
Irregular,
It knows.

Listen,
My heart,
Changes,
Pattern,
Stopped,
My world; my life,
It slows.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Scared but I have no choice,
I could hold onto you forever,
Nature has said the time has come,
I’m afraid of saying goodbye however.

Entertaining goodbye in the back of my mind,
But unsure of how to say the word,
They tell me it will be a comfort and relief,
But it’s harder to say than all the times I’ve heard.

I like to take risks,
Live on the edge of life,
I throw myself into tricks,
Danger fire, danger knife.

Don’t take me yet,
It can’t be time,
Don’t take me yet,
It can’t be time,
Don’t take me yet.

Walk on the wild side,
Plunge into life’s deep end,
Unfastened; ready to ride,
Danger curve, danger bend.

Don’t take me yet,
It can’t be time,
Don’t take me yet,
It can’t be time,
Don’t take me yet…

…Don’t take me yet.

Making that final decision,
When to stop compressions,
To give up on a life,
Create a family depression.

Someone has to cope with calling,
When eternity calls,
We let doctors play God,
They stay professional as life falls.

Wherever we go,
No matter what we do,
Life holds for us one certainty,
Death waits around the corner,
Like the moon about to break,
Eventually he takes hold,
And blocks the light it makes.

When I go, don’t leave me staring,
I couldn’t bear to watch you cry,
Or see the damp patch on the ceiling,
In the moments after I die,
So close my eyes and give instant rest,
To a man who struggled through each day,
Allow me freedom from this life, grant this one request,
Close my eyes once I’ve gone and let me fly away.

Flown to heaven,
Followed an angels call,
To live in peace and harmony,
I’ll watch from ‘Neath the sky so tall.

Each time I see you in a cloud,
The memories all come out to play,
Moments of isolation when I sit and think,
Where my spirit is broken ‘Neath the sky so grey.

Flown to heaven,
Followed an angels harp,
But I’ve travelled deep down to hell,
Shed my tears ‘Neath the sky so dark.

It’s strange how the final whisper of air escapes,
And the warmth that once resided inside turns to ice at the touch,
That final breath frozen,
Like a spirit or soul,
Searching,
Seemingly seeking a home.

The threatening shadow looms over us all,
As the bombs tumble down and the buildings fall,
A silence appears from the heart of a scream,
Where all we see are the tatters of a dream,
The sunshine is blocked by the raising flags,
And our friends are carried in blue body bags,
The birdsong has stopped having died its death,
The world has uttered the words “Macbeth!”

Gun against my head,
In my mouth,
Blood on my bed,
**** my world,
Pours to the ground deep red.

Original honour killing,
But the killing of self,
Eviscerate with the Sword,
Samurai Warrior chooses his death,
Rather than an enemy steal his last breath.

Original honour killing,
Bushido; Seppuku,
Disembowelment left to right,
This great honour is fused with a great pain,
Plunged through his skin to make himself pure again.

On the edge of life,
Not playing with fire,
No games with a knife,
Just needles and liars.

Into the vein of truth,
A path of clarity and hurt,
Perched on the ledge of a roof,
Where all is brightness and dirt.

The spinning carousel of time,
Where everything is confused,
Without reason or rhyme,
But my heart’s alive; enthused.

Crashed beneath hellish ground,
The heat melts my senses,
The fear deadens the sound,
As I’m swallowed through the defences.

Like a fruit that has ripened,
We slowly fade and pass,
To another time and space,
Become the dirt and grass.

Hunted down like a feral fox,
My heart is beating fast,
As the dogs move in on my trail,
I pray this day isn’t my last.

I feel the steel chains bite like teeth,
Into my skin they tear,
See my blood trickle like raindrops,
My eyes fog over in a stare.

My skull is smashed like a snow globe,
Lungs punctured by the knife,
Days of living flash before me,
Oh this ******: this **** of life.

Dying out,
I can feel it coming,
We’re cooking the planet,
Polluting the skies,
The rivers are mud,
Telling ourselves lies,
Dying out.

Won’t exist,
I can sense the future,
We’re killing planet Earth,
Causing our demise,
Bringing our kind down,
The horsemen arise,
Won’t exist.

She’s suffering,
Her eyes have lost that sparkle,
The glimmer of life has sailed away,
Vegetating,
She’s not the girl I once knew,
She wants to go…

…I don’t want her to go…

What can I do?

Is anyone else tired of saying goodbye?

Is anyone else tired of saying goodbye?

Understand more,
And stop the spread,
Scientists work hard,
To create a walking dead,
Rather walking and living,
Than gone and forgotten,
Rather see the sunshine,
Than be a corpse and rotten.

Is anyone else tired of saying goodbye?

Is anyone else tired of saying goodbye?

Shutting down,
My immune system fails,
Vulnerable to the germs that breed about the town,
One mistake,
Protection wasn’t used,
Vulnerable to the taunts that make my soft heart break.

Although my heart is broken,
Words only cut so deep,
I know that I am human,
Even as I drift to endless sleep.


For advice and help – please contact any of the organisations below:
Terrence Higgins Trust
Web: www.tht.org.uk
Helpline: 0845 1221 200
Offers free and confidential services for people with ***.

Positively Women
Web: www.positivelywomen.org.uk
Helpline: 020 7713 0222 (staffed by *** positive women: Mon-Fri 10am-4pm)

Aidsmap
Web: www.aidsmap.com
Information, news and resources for people with *** and AIDS.

I dedicate this poem to all those who are suffering from ***/AIDS, those the world has loved and lost through ***/AIDS and to all of those affected by ***/AIDS.

You’ll find me, the African Buffalo, in swamps,
Floodplains, grasslands and forests of the mountains,
I eat the tall grasses and move on when they’re depleted,
Unpredictable as the water from a tumbling fountain,
I spar with other males to prove myself in charge,
My horns are down and the herd looks on in fascination,
As I show that I’m the strongest one around,
But rally the rest to protect my calf from devastation,
We graze and mob, mob and graze,
Mate and birth during rainy days,
I’m strong and proud, proud and strong,
In African sunshine life carries on.

Basking in the heat of the African sun,
His acute hearing can hear the grass growing,
Keratin horn, thick skinned and weighs a ton,
Eating the foliage that Nature is sowing.

A great, imposing figure,
Casting a shadow over the land,
As it reaches to the heavenly sky,
And its rumbles are felt like the rhythm of a band,
Its angry colours dancing like petals in the wind,
Deep orange and flaming red,
Black fire valleys giving predatory heat,
People stand in awe or tremble in their beds,
Devastation is caused and the sky is clouded,
As the rivers of fear flow nearer, so near,
See the birds fly high and away from the ominous glow,
As Mother Nature apologises and sheds a silent tear.

Our closest living relatives,
This ape is big and strong,
Long arms to gently sing or carry,
Walks on upright or on fours,
Its expressive face pierces my core.

Against the snow smudging the landscape,
Grey thick fur and spots of black,
Stocky build and small, round ears to keep it warm,
Against the backdrop of a delicate snow storm,
Quiet creature, no ability to roar,
The sweetest of faces I ever saw.

They call him the King of the Cats,
It’s easy to see why,
He roams with graceful dignity,
And has that look of focus in his eye.

They call him the King of Cats,
With his mane soft and long,
With his pride of lionesses,
He knows just exactly where he belongs.

They call him the King of Cats,
The plains are his homeland,
He fears the human intrusion,
Standing in the sun; looking proud and grand.

I’m the smallest of the four big cats,
Not many of us left,
They destroy our land and hunt us down,
All to build their useless towns,
I can travel at 36 miles per hour,
I’ll consume all that I hunt and catch with my power,
I don’t have spots like my Cheetah friend,
But rosettes of blackness and live 21 years from start to end.

Other cats can climb trees,
And stand high on branch catching the breeze,
But I make the wind rush,
So fast that the ground I barely brush,
Camouflaged in black spots,
I hide in the bush far from their shots,
I can’t roar but I growl,
I chirp, I stutter, I purr and yowl,
Then I run like a train,
And back to my home; safety again.

Big and strong,
Bigger than most snakes,
But his bark is far worse than his bite,
No poison does he make,
But slide and glide across the land,
Africa and Asia and on desert terrain,
The skin he sheds and leaves his mark of change,
He slithers in sunshine, in snow and in rain.

I’m reddish-brown and gorgeous,
My long arms can hold and swing,
I’m the largest arboreal animal,
And my loud call I often sing,
It’s no surprise I’m “person of the forest”,
With my fingers and my thumbs,
I have a natural rhythm,
My body is full of the beating of the drum.

From high above us Mother Nature angrily breathes,
Humankind has done her wrong,
We built buildings and knocked down trees,
Destroyed the harmonies of her precious birdsong,
So to show us whose boss and to make a stand,
She raises the cars and destroys our fences,
And ravages the illegitimate upon her land,
We look on astounded as she batters our defences,
The wind howls wildly and the rain is forced down,
The sky above grows dark and the moon hides in fear,
Instinct returns to humans; they race to shelter in the town,
They can’t choose to survive; the choice is with Mother Nature’s selection spear.

Vipera berus,
Even the name scares me,
But I shouldn’t fear,
For when they come near,
I’m assured they aren’t highly dangerous.

Vipera berus,
It bites but rarely kills,
Look for its zigzag,
Waving like a flag,
From Western Europe to Eastern Asia.

An Australian symbol,
A national treasure,
A fascinating creature,
That on the eye is a pleasure.

A pouch of safety for its young,
A place of warmth and love,
It stands tall in the heat,
Basking in the rays from up above.

Like the sun it glows,
A presence in our lives,
Watch as it grows and grows.

Lighting the darkness,
A blemish in the sky,
An artists' perfect mess.

Claims insanity,
And watches as we sleep,
Honest morality.

It brings lunacy,
A passionate madness,
Such eccentricity.

Shadowed; the wolf howls,
We tremble in our fear,
Fall to our knees and bow.

I look up to the night sky,
And am greeted by such a sight,
A celestial vision,
Basking in sacred light.

A smattering of unplanned dots,
They sparkle and shimmer,
Standing still in the same spot,
With a flowing, graceful glimmer.

I look up to the darkness,
And am swallowed by the abyss,
Magic vision of starlight,
Never felt quite like this.

I picture a lady in silver,
Floating and flowing high above us,
She waves her magic wand,
Mystical things happen.

A bird is given a voice to sing his morning song,
She gave a sixth sense to know when something's wrong,
She watches as mankind grows and grows,
She endures the machinery with its fatal blows,
She decides when things must change,
The time will come when she alters her range,
An eruption or ice-age,
A powerful turning of the page,
Mother Nature always has the final say,
The lady in silver is the ruler of our days.

I picture a lady in silver,
Floating and flowing high above us,
She waves her magic wand,
Mystical things happen.

Soft blanket hiding the ground,
Covering the cars and vans,
Disguising mans wrongs,
Hideous and heinous.

Gentle flakes are falling down,
Heaven sent droplets of snow,
A blackbird exposed,
Camouflage gone; open.

Coloured petals white as doves,
Calm surrender to nature,
A stillness of life,
Pray golden silence; hush.

The season for her message,
Don't disturb serenity,
All may just exist,
Life's' cycle; brief moments.

No flowers,
No trees,
No birdsong,
No summer breeze,
No blue sky,
No light,
No daytime,
No welcome night.

A life without the sun,
No shelter from shadows,
No inner strength,
No energy to run.

Grow flowers,
Grow trees,
Bring birdsong,
Bring summer breeze,
Bright blue sky,
Bright light,
Come daytime,
Come welcome night.

A life blessed with the sun,
With shelter in shadows,
With inner strength,
With energy to run.

I dwell in the Arctic Ocean,
And cope with cold, ice and snow,
I'm a large predator,
And create fear wherever i go,
I'm Ursus Maritimus - the Maritime Bear,
I hunt for fish beneath the ice,
I know they are there,
I'm gorgeous and cuddly,
But you best beware,
If i ever catch you,
You'll be fixed by my steely glare.

Watching the Panda resting,
Scorching in the southwestern sun,
China is a colourful place,
He eats the bamboo that grows with grace.

He's old now and has moved from the lowlands,
Farmers drove him from his safety,
He is endangered,
Docile and beautiful.

I stood and watched from a safe distance,
A fabulous Silverback strides around,
The strong body and rippling muscles,
He dominates and leads his troop,
He makes the decisions,
He's old, mature and protective,
He's the leader of the pack,
He is respected.

They call me 'bear' but I'm not,
I live in the sub-tropics where it's hot,
I'm ash-coloured and cute but my claws can scratch,
I feast on the leaves in my local patch,
I don't travel far and i can be quite slow,
But i attract loving stares wherever i go.

I bet you didn't know that i have to molt,
I shed my shell as i grow,
This is when I'm most vulnerable,
I have to slip, slide and hide beneath the coral bed.

When i sense an attack i stop my gentle stroll,
I curl and uncurl my abdomen,
I swim backwards,
Keeping one beady, devilish eye upon the threatening team.

I have blue blood, a fact i bet you didn't know,
But still you drag me from my home,
And i feel the heat of the boiling water,
I crack, crumble and croak - on to some ***** plate I'm thrown.

Walking to our death,
An endless search for a resting place,
Passing the bones of friends,
Scattered and devoured with no grace,
Although the path we tread is cruel,
We hold ourselves with enduring pride,
They can take our freedom and our tusks,
But we have dignity and elegance on our side.

I'm green and happy,
Upon my lily pad,
Leaping to the side to rest,
And back to the water again,
Few troubles have I,
And here I shall stay,
Upon my lily pad,
I'm green and happy.

Ancient,
Wallowing in filth,
A strong jaw,
And violent teeth.

I'm like a dinosaur,
But a modern form of beast,
I'm intelligent and brave,
But few are in the wild.