If I were to be compared to the expectations of the world
I would simply be a toy.
Not any normal, high demanded Barbie
But an old forgotten Raggedy Anne.
Sure, it’s true that someone out there must still love such a doll.
But where are they when the poor doll loses its value?
Its beauty?
It’s collector’s touch?
They let it go, forget it, put it either back on the shelf or leave it on the floor
Collecting dust and withering away slowly
All just waiting for the next kid to pick it up and show it love for a little while
All until that child grows bored. Then the process repeats.
Except with each one, not being made of plastic, my seams begin to give.
My fabrics falling apart, my yarn beginning to frizz
Quite an unapealing look.
One that will eventually be thrown out.
And not long after is she forgotten…..
And that’s how a girl’s heart works when she ends up with the wrong guys.
The little boys playing and fantasizing over toys.
But, there are men out there too, just I’m too blind to spot them...

There once was a girl named Lucy
Who liked to let herself loose, see?
She was too much a flirt
Her knees in the dirt
I wonder how mad her parents would be

Walking around with low self esteem.
Living life as though it's a dream
Not seeing others with her eyes.
Trying to figure them out and sort their lies
But every time she loses the game
Every accident turns out the same.
Over estimating the kindness of others is her flaw
No one can figure out why she never talks about what she saw
Falling down, she is troubled by stupidity
Locked inside her brain, such thick humidity
Causing a fog that blinds her from reality
Once again she is trapped in her path
Feeling these feelings that cause such a wrath
That she feels the need to end her life
Despite her promises of leaving her knife
These feelings grow stronger everyday.
Never shown through the words she has to say.

You placed a knife
in my chest
and all I could do
was put on a
smile
to hide the pain
I was in,
but you
twisted
and
twisted
the knife until
I collapsed
because I couldn't
take it anymore.*


B.S.

"Kay you're so cute!"
Just another lie you've told
"Kay you're so awesome"
I know you don't mean it, I'm a complete *****...
"Kay you're **** as hell. You need to stop bashing yourself"
I don't bash myself, I tell myself the truth so I am not lifted by lies. Why would I tell myself something I don't believe to be absolutely true?
"Kay, you are so talented. You could become a professional artist"
I never wanted to be good at art, but its my only escape. I truly hate it with a burning passion.
"Kay, I love you. I mean it too."
Save it, you cheated on me when my best friend died. How could you even claim that when we both know you are lying?
"Kay, you are worth something."
I wish I was. But in my eyes I am not worth anything, I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, I cannot compete with others who are more deserving than I. I have sins that haunt me worse than most people, and I wish I could be of use, but all I can do is teach someone about pain. Pain, loss and other dreadful feelings because that's what I comprehend.
"Kay, I'm sorry."
Don't be. I'm used to it. Eventually I will find the key to being happy, even in the worst circumstances.
"Hi Kay, how are you?"
"I'm bubbly."
*Fake it to make it another day and never let them see inside you