I flip the coin
heads I jump
tails I step down
I know its silly to leave my life up to a flip of a coin
but what else can I do
they tell me its silly to **** yourself
over people and lies
over hating yourself and your life
they say its silly to want to die
because to them our life looks
perfect
and they say the words,
'lonely in a crowed room'
make no sense
but if you have grew in my skin
and looked at the world as if you are a viewer
or if you felt no one wants you around
you understand
that those words are one of the most truthful things you could ever here
and when they say,
'the mirror doesn't lie'
you believe it
because what you see is
someone that you want to die
someone who you have tried to **** for who knows how many years
and as the coin drops
I see what side faces up
yet I still jump

A messed up person
With messed up lies
A messed up life
I'm gonna mess up and die

as the smoke takes its time to travel to my lungs
I think about what had brought me here
the people who pushed me to the edge
I think about the person I was
wanting to help my friends quit
now we all sit together
smoke so thick I cant see and inch in front of me
I can hear them yelling at me in my head
I'm to far gone now to care
but at the end of the day
I remember
that when the smoke clears
the people who are around me
are the people I need
and they need me
we care so much
we have all made bad choices
but that didn't make us bad people
but that's what they told the kids
that if you aren't great in school
if you did something illegal
or wild
had tattoos
had dreams and different ideas
you where a threat
because they are scared of us
but we mean you no harm
we don't want you to feel our pain
but we don't want you to say its fake as well
and now as the puff of smoke reaches the air
I let out some relief
because ill take another puff
and I will be full again

What if I asked you to run with me
and be my partner in crime
away from everything we hold daily
to live under the roof of the stars
would you think I was crazy if I packed my bags
and ran to the highest point
if I asked you to take my hand and go on this journey
would you say no
we could explore the in's and out's of this world
no one to hold us back
we could make greatness
we would find what we are meant for
I could show you I'm more than what they told you
we could make the dreams they told us where just dreams
a reality
we don't have the car or money or job
but so help me if we don't make it
we will conquer everything and everyone
who said you cant
the mist of the night will hold us
as our bedroom windows are the escape
so would you run with me
if I asked you to do this

this rush of killer emotion
came right after I thought I was done
done caring about you and everything
I thought I could finally stop loving you
and living in the moment you tore me apart
but how wrong was I
all I want to do is run to your arms
and cry out every tear I have in my body
I cry alone every night
not just because of you
also because I'm alone
because I'm so hurt
and because I cant do anything about it
like everything in the world is out to hurt me
and its doing a great job
to have you wipe that emotion away
and to wipe away the tears from my face
for you to kiss the tip of my nose
it would help fix everything
from the depression, hate, and sadness
to the feelings I have about myself
and you
I need to know its okay for me to
be in love
so young
and with someone who tore my heart out of my body
with someone who seems to have never wanted me around
and a world that is trying to get rid of me
and I'm told to wait
but waiting is killing me
over and over you tell me of this amazing person you see in me
but if you really saw that person you always tell me about
the kind of person you want to be with and have around
than how come when you had that person
you tore her to the ground
how am I going to believe that
if the person telling this
seems to not believe it at all
what do I do now
just
what do I do.

because they tore us apart
we had staples in our heart to put it together
they where sharp and cut our skin
and the soles of our shoes are worn out
because we had to run from the fear
that they would take us to the highest point
just to push us to the deepest layers of hell
we had to put a metal shelter around our bodies
to keep them from pulling us apart limb from limb
and when they take our stomics out because they don't like our bodies
they took our hearts because they didn't like our emotions
our minds because we didn't think like they did
and our face
they rearranged it with make up and hidden scares
bags under our eyes because of the sleepless nights when we would cry until four in the morning
and the broken moments we would have to clean up
all alone in a dark circle with an endless pit that would tighten around us
until the day they let us free
we will drown in the thought that we are not worthy of who they are

in the middle of the night it crept into my thoughts
it grabbed my now depressed mind and tried to hold me close
it listened to the fear and dreaded hate i had for this world and the people in it
they took me hostage you see and i had no escape
none of us can run from it
some just hide from it better
it took my face and told me what the world has said
disgusting and worthless
it stabbed my body with its piercing nails and told me
how much of a fat slob i am
it looked into my eyes and read my mind
but their was nothing to read
i was lost and alone but still the world around didnt seem hurt at all
they laughed at my pain to make themselves feel better
at the expence of a person
they did not care
they wanted to see me crash and burn so i could not fight
i awoke from my slumber
to walk to a mirror that had deep scars of my hatred for myself embedded in them
and the scars, the scars matched the ones on my side
the ones i hid from everyone so they would keep the words to them selves
and i ran and i hid under the roof of the place i had to call home
i ran there for safety
but what safety did it being me
when they yelled and yelled at me for mistakes that where never ment to happen
i felt it was my fault
when in some sort of crazy realty i was innocent
i was the victim of being hated and let down and lied to
i hurt so bad for people who would never feel the pain
i hid in myself
i tried to see what the world couldnt
but how could i see what was not there
i could not dream because they distroied them
i could not hope because they stole it from me
and i was not a well enough thief to steal it back
they broke my heart
this would that i had loved
it didnt love me back
it would never dare do such a thing
so i sit and i cry and call myself a baby
because i let this world **** me
i let it take control of my body and mind
because i felt i wasnt worth it
even with the people who told me to see otherwise
there was an army of hate that rushed their caring words right out of my mind
and i tried, i tried to change
my looks
my thoughts
who i was
i hated myself
and they hated me to
so i took the knife to my wrist and i carved the words help me help me
hoping someone could hear me
but no one even bothered to listen
so i wrote my story on paper covered in my blood
the last thing i wrote was
sorry
carved into my neck