hands fly everywhere
loud rock music blasting through the speakers
clothes messy and tousled all around
some guy's lips on mine
bodies entangled on the couch

i hope that it's my prince chariming
the one i'm dreaming of
at seven years old

attending concerts wearing an extra ear piercing
few chain bracelets on my bony wrists
screaming in a mosh pit
with a guy who swore he'd stay by me forever
singing at the top of our lungs
in a moment i wish would last forever

silently, i wish the concerts we'd attend
are the concerts i wanted to see
when i was fourteen

tumbling in heels i wish i'd wear
when i finally get into that dress
that dress, pristine white
flowing and trailing behind me
with a silver ring on my ring finger
given by you
and walking to the altar
to have you slip another ring onto me
this time
a golden one
to symbolize our eternity

i wish it'd be the same kind
of wedding that
i wished for
when i were twelve

helping carry huge loads of water on my shoulders
forcing my dad to "sit the hell down and take a rest"
and doing his work for him
while my mom catches up with him on the years they've lost
as they both enjoy their retirement years
and maybe or not thinking of getting a new job
to still keep this family standing

i hope that my family would never
break again
like what happened when i was eleven

alumni homecomings
my friends and i would go back to our second home
the home that kept us awake at night
with endless cramming
and strong lectures
we'd stroll along the hallways
hug old teachers
throw chairs and peel off their dull colors
and write under blackboards
like we're students again

but for me, i'd interact with the students
checking the covered courts and the field's grandstand
seeing people with their eyes closed
hands outstretched forward
sweat rolling down their faces
as their seniors shout at them
i would smile to myself then
when the closed eyelids flutter open and the arms set down
and the students are instructed to stand up

the seniors of that time give out a command
and they, along with the others who were sweating profusely
would face me,
the one leaning over the metal bars
smiling and waving with nostalgia

a sign
that i have accomplished my dream
at sixteen

i'd go back
and find you as well
in the same building
interacting with your old crush
who grew prettier with time
she'd wave at me
you would too
i'd feel my ribs squeeze against my heart
and i'd wave back

again, that jealousy comes back
that same jealousy i felt when you
asked me to prom
at fifteen

but i trust you
and you trust me too
so i carried on
because i knew that later
you'd come back to my house
and we'd have a movie marathon
or we'd play call of duty again
then we'd cuddle and sleep together
and fall out of the couch the next morning

i believe, i believe
i do, i really do

but i knew it was hard
with all the scars i have to prove it
i knew it was hard to stay positive
when i knew disaster was just there
with us
with me

at last, i'd experience the harsh reality again
the moment i fall out of those equally pristine white heels
when i realize that i'd never wear those shoes or that gown
because by then, you'd be gone
you'd come to realize how much of a failure i am
and how worthless i really am
how much prettier she was than me
how she's much more worth it than me
and how she could make you happier
than i can

all my fears at fourteen
came true at nineteen

but then i'd wake up and i'd realize
i'm still fourteen
it was all a dream
which i don't have the heart to call a nightmare
and instead
i'd call it a premonition
of the years to come
just like the scars i never thought i'd have
when i were four
or when i were ten

the scars
they tell me how much i've failed
and will fail

so i think back on my dream
and smile a little at the ending
of nineteen me
living the last of my teenage years

for your own good,
it was probably better you left too

cause y'know
i'd leave me too
at fourteen

the first and second songs were beautiful ones
melodious and calming ones
about the beauty of nature
and how it does nothing yet so much
how it seems so dull yet beautiful
just like your eyes

the third song was an upbeat song
the kind of tunes that all would dance to
repetitive choruses and long instrumentals
like a circle, they remind me of your
so very long patience on things

the fourth song
was a song filled with raps and curses
talking about injustice and yet
it talks about *** and enjoying it
somehow however, it was nice to listen to
just like you when you get irritated
and yet, find happiness in the
little, irritating things

the fifth song was a song of nonsense
completely irrational
very messy
like paint splattered all over
a white wall
and yet so desirable
just like your smile
that you throw around
to everyone you see

you always thought the number six was
the devil's number
and found it cool
so i placed a song that makes people feel good about themselves
a song that was 'cool'
which was just like how you perceived yourself as
like how you always thought you were cool
and told me with a grin
and i always disagreed
with a little stupid smile of my own

the number seven was a special number to us
our common best friend's jersey number
your class number
my score in a two consecutive math quizzes
our little specialnumber
so i placed our song
a special song that you let me hear
after you heard me sing and said
"you have a nice voice, i think
this song would suit it."

i can never forget that song
so i have it on my mixtape too

you disliked the number eight
for some odd reason
which did not bother me
so i placed a song that irritated you
but made me happy
just to spite you
and to see you get flustered and ******
all at once like no one could
because i like
having you tell me everything you feel
like i do to you

number nine reminded you of
things that were ***** and pretty
so i placed a sensual song
that talked about a guy not deserving
his female admirer
who wanted to love him badly
physically and emotionally
because he did too
a song that was pure guitar
pure voice and soul
and raw emotions
that i believe would make you want to
sing along to it as well
like i do

the tenth song was a sad song
because once you failed a math quiz
with a mark of ten out of twenty
the same score as mine
but i didn't place a song that we both know
a song we both decided on
that was sad
no, instead
i put a song that i knew
but you didn't
which i believed was sadder
because it was like
how you treated me after
i gave you that letter
and made me sad
like this song

the eleventh and twelfth songs were made as one
but had to be cut off due to its length
it talked about a boy who wanted nothing more
than to keep the one he loved all to himself
a boy that flew
and crashed
for a girl that never knew

just like me
when i wanted nothing more
than to send you this mixtape
and have you say to me
a simple "thank you"

or maybe even
a little wishful
*"i love you too."

cold air hits her harshly
toes shiver as hair stands up
bringing a blanket closer to her self
the rain continues to pelt
and she continues
to indulge herself in words
that provide her home and warmth

she was a quiet one in tongue
but a loud one in hands and heart
she wrote endlessly about her pain
about how no one ever heard her speak
how no one ever saw her tongue dart out
she wrote it all to a man
who would never notice her words
or ever hear her cries

the cold air was harsh, and she had no blanket
rain pelted down mercilessly on her body
bare feet touching little oceans of waters
the sea bed being cemented and lined yellow

traffic lights  jammed
no consistent lighting in sight

heart drowned in the flood
rain coming from the heart
overflowing through her eyes

she took a gulp
cloudy eyes drifting upwards to a window
a man pushing a woman against the glass
plumped fleshes on their faces
touching one another

how she wished to be the woman

all her words dried up in her throat
every thought became frozen in her mind
no pen in sight
no paper to crumple and catch her tears

the flood was overflowing in her heart
and yet it continued to rain

she shrugged off her thin jacket
and she shivered
hair stood up
toes trembled
no source of warmth

silently
she lunged herself forward
not noticing the eyes from above
and the scream that erupted behind the window
but instead
noticing the car
that was swerving recklessly
in her direction

the one that kept her stationary
was the one that pushed her

him.

"dear world, please do me a favor
please tell your inhabitants to listen to you
tell them to take a rest from all their labor
and listen to my words filled with truth.

dear adults who thought my depression was a joke
I want you to realize that I'm no ordinary folk
you don't know what it feels to want to die
everyday of your life because of your mind.

dear popular kids of my school
I hate you all for thinking cutting was cool
none of you have the right to try it too
because none of you know how to not be you.

dear friends of mine who left me behind
I hope you're doing well in the graves of my mind
I wish you all just listened to me
and how maybe, this wasn't to be.

dear stupid society of mine
please stop with your crime
people like me don't deserved to be judged
by people who are no better than mud.

dear world, please do me a favor
please tell everyone to stop their labor
tell them the news of me who died
because I was never enough for my own kind."

You, who likes candies
Tasting like lemons and oranges
Have the greatest smile
Even with candy-colored teeth.

You, who hasn't changed glasses
In over five years
Have the most beautiful brown eyes
That always makes me smile.

You, who is big, sturdy, and warm
With your broad shoulders and crooked smile
Never fail to make me
Feel safe and loved in your own way.

You, a simple boy who loves playing games
Always focuses your attention somewhere else
On a girl who is clearly not worth your time
Cause all she's worth is a pretty smile.

I, the girl who stays in the dark
Is always with you, who asks for help
On the girl you like to get her heart
When it's clear that she doesn't deserve you.

"I like her," you tell me with such a wide smile.
"More than she'll ever come to know.
I want her to know that I really like her
Before she goes away with another."

Silently.

Silently.

I clench my fists.

And smile.

"Is that so?" I ask, with genuine curiosity.
"You're my best friend, I'd love to help you out
No matter what happens, I'll be here
Cheering from the sidelines, I'm sure you'll hear."

Then you smile a smile so wide
So very bright I may get blind
But the pain in my chest prevails
As you give me a hug and smile.

"Thanks. You're the best. I **** love you!"

I hug back.
And I smile as
I clutch to your back.

don't go, don't go,  don't go

"Sure. I love you too, you ***.
What are friends for?"

In that moment
I swear my heart shattered
You laughed against my neck
And smile.

it hurts.
It really does.

I smile again.

You, who I associate with lemons
Clearly live up to your name
Sweet looking yet once eaten
It is sour

And yet

Desirable.

*you like her a lot? oh, that's cool.
it's okay, I promise.
I like you a lot too.

unstable balance
tangled feet
cloudy visions
i can't feel.

solid collides with solid
a loud and emphasized thump
was heard
everyone turned around
stares burning onto me
it was hot, too hot.

you come to me
crouch down like child
seeing something
new.

long arms slid underneath me
they feel cold
i feel my head lifted
and hear another thump.

emphasized, loud and repeatedly, i heard it.
it wasn't as cold as the first i heard a while ago.

you lift my arms
and place them around your neck
slowly
like a growing teen you are
you stand up tall
and i dangle recklessly
from behind.

"let's go," you say, "let's bring you to the clinic."
unmoved i remain.

i place my chin on the crook of your neck
that natural fragrance of yours
overwhelms my senses.

"hey," i start, "won't you carry me properly?"
simple question, with a simple solution.

but it wasn't.

more thumps could be heard
in my own ears
coming from inside me

how embarrassing.

but you do it anyway
dropping my arms down
turning me around
as if i were a princess in a dance
and you
the prince.

you crouch again
but not as low
i like this view
you look so
you.

realistic.
true.
warm.
you.

i feel a coolness on my back
you drape my arm on your neck
another cold sensation hits the back of my knees
my head pressed against your chest.

thump thump thump thump

i see red
a light little powder of it
on tanned cheeks

silently
i smile to myself
as i made myself comfortable
in this position
that you carried me in.

together, we went to the clinic
the pain in my body
subsiding
sinking
as i listen to the same thump i heard from earlier

however

"won't you carry me properly?"

yours was better.
warmer.
truer.
more proper.
**you.

i wished you stayed
                                                  [you don't]
i wished you said goodbye
                                                  [i saw no reason to]
why did you leave?
                                                  [why did you stay?]
we had it all going, my love
we had it all rolling
                                                  [it was wrong, very wrong
                                                   it wasn't supposed to happen at all]
we grew up together, did we not?
we were cousins
we were siblings
                                                   [we broke together
                                                     i'm barely hanging on
                                                    please break this thread]
please, my dear
come back to me
                                                   [i am not your dear
                                                    i refuse your cage]
our love is what keeps me going
what keeps standing
when everything
falls
                                                    [this sin is what makes me fall
                                                     it makes me crumble
                                                     i can no longer
                                                     stand tall]
my dear, my precious love
my cousin, holier than angels from above
                                                    [why do you call me such things
                                                     you, who has tainted me beyond repair?]
please don't escape from my arms
stay within these brackets of mine
never make me let go
                                                   [let go, let go, let go, let go
                                                    your cage that holds me back
                                                    will be your downfall as well]
my cousin, my precious
please listen to my words
                                                  [i cannot, i refuse
                                                   this is a sin i didn't choose]
dearest, dearest, cousin of mine
                                                  [you are not my cousin, not anymore]
i love you.
                                                  [stay away from me.]