I’m chasing myself in circles.
Running
Darting
Spinning
Out of control

To attempt to destroy
And to succeed in destroying

I don’t like how I feel.
And stopping it is the only solution my confused mind can conclude.

So I chase
I follow, and long for,
And go insane with the desire to quench my negative thoughts.

I just hope one day,
That this tail that I am constantly chasing,
Will grow an inch
And find itself
Crushed between my teeth.

Beauty is

When you are surrounded by things you believe in
Things so beautiful,
You find yourself frozen at the spot.

Things so beautiful,
Those things seem to freeze into place.
In every frame you see every detail.

And you hold your breath,
Trying to take it all in

But soon it passes,
And the world continues
to change around you.

Time Stops

Your Blood Freezes

And you think
About all you have missed
About all you will miss

Then comes the small,
but overpowering thought.

Make it all be
        Over.

But time keeps going
And never stops.

I am full.
Filled to the top.

Teetering on the edge of my own demise.

If you push me,
I fall.

If your breath,
I jump.

So watch yourself,
because I have lost control.

I am blind.

My feelings have boiled over.

And it feels only human to express them.

I am trapped.

Everywhere looks the same,
Where nothing looks diffrent.

And I am stripped bare
of any sences and courage.

Because the colossal beast confining me holds it.

I just keep Falling.
I just keep Dropping.

I am only a heavy weight,
About to have LIFE KNOCKED out of me.

And as the distance to the ground constantly changes

I cannot help but wonder
if I should be
Terrified
or
Satisfied.

With the way...
This story ends.

Fight young warrior.
Use your strength and fight.

Show your blade, and carve a picture.

Prove your stature.
And gain your confidence.

Because life is ready.
And life always fights back.

Unravel yourself girl,
Show me your ways and your purpose.

Fly with me girl,
Show me your limits and weakness

Speak to me girl,
Tell me your lies and your memories.

Come with me girl,
Bring your fears and your strengths out of the shadows.

Reveal yourself girl,
Strip off your layers of dignity and confidence.

Show me who you are in all ways.

Because you girl,
Are Perfect.

I have won this game.
oh, Have I won this game.

You threw hell at me, with full force.

I may have stumbled, but I am still standing.

And everyday, when I realize that I could have failed.

I think of you, how I left you there, only a bad memory.
I think of my Complete Victory.
And
How
I
Beat
You.

I am a writer.

I mend words until they reach their greatest potential.

And I break the worlds down to become pieces of the puzzle I build,

*Creating something beautiful.

I Have Been Fighting This Battle

My opponent is *5 times my size,
and 50 times my strength.

And as the fight goes on,
it begins to grow.
And I begin to shrink.

So before long it is towering over me.

STOMPING OUT all the fight I have left.


In this game the hero looses.

But the Devil goes down with me,
because without the fight,
or the victim.

*The Devil has no peace.

There is a difference in the world.
The air is sharper,
The days are brighter.
My smiles are true,
And happiness seems to radiate off of me.

And life is easier to bare.

But there are still times.
Times were I lose myself.
I lose myself in the world I escaped.

I am lost in hell.


And I want more than anything to get out.

But I am slipping.
The strong hold I thought I had has failed me.
I have plunged into my fears.

And I desperately trying to re-surface.
Trying to take a breath of the fresh air.
Take in the colors of the world I was forced out of.
  The world I long to return to.

I find myself frantically searching for a way out,
Searching for the hand that will reach in and rescue me.

I run.
I scream.
I cut and yell and KICK

But I am lost,
I am stuck.

And in those times I feel like I am dying.
I feel like I cannot trust life and the obstacles that are thrown at me.

So I sink.

And I hope,
that somewhere out there, a miracle will find me.

And save me.

You want to live.

You want to be remembered.

You want to make a difference.

You want to save the world.

It was like slipping through a sheet of ice-cold water

Falling into nothing
Becoming nothing

Everything that was your life is now your death

Everything you know,
Everything you thought
Leaves you.
Traveling into near darkness and not coming back

You forget.
You forget
to breath
to talk
to move

All you can do it Fight

Fight an impossible battle against yourself
An impossible battle you will loose
An impossible battle you will never wake up from.

I want to be free again.
I want to stretch my wings and FLY

I want to feel freedom again
Conviction
Strength
Faith

And though it may feel as though Pandora's box has opened,
hope still remains.

This curse may take my body,
but it has not yet touched my spirit.

I beg it to stay this way.

Grow with me.

See the  world as a stronger person,
each day.

Together we will take on new actions.

And discover new meanings.

And we will live life to the fullest,

Because we know no other way.

He told me,
"let me read your fortune."

He brought out a mammoth tome with pages so weathered they stuck together like glue.

Yellow pages fanned out,
not held back from the binding that had already shed it like a second skin.

He said, "let me waken it up."
And ran his hands through the stiff pages,
making the book creak in protest.

He then handed it to me and told me to pick a page
I breathed in the antiquated smell and slid my thumb over the pages.
Until I landed on the one page out of the thousands that spoke out to me.

And he began to read.
It was about Newtons law of gravity.
One day he was sitting by a tree and saw an apple fall to the ground.
He noticed that something had to be pulling it down.
That the invisible force that weighs on our shoulders and keeps our feet planted firmly to the ground works on all things.

And Newton began to wonder
He wondered what made the apple ever be able to hang so high off of the ground
Even though there was always an invisible force waiting to yank you down to rock bottom.

And he realized that for gravity to exist you had to have levitation.
That you had to rise above the forces of nature and hang suspended,
rising higher and higher,
past your potential,
before the forces of gravity pull you back down to reality.

It doesn’t feel real.
And I can only hope it never will.
But on those few moments my mind opens up to reveal the truth.

I can’t breath.
I feel like I will explode.

And I let the tears come,
drowning me in my own self pity.

I find no use for the way things are now,
without you as witness to my actions.

But I know better than to give up on my chance at this life because of your weakness.

It might **** my being,
but I will always fight to stay living.

Until the ultimate outcome of time retires me.

Pain rivets within me.
It takes on a form I cannot penetrate,
and spreads throughout every part of me.
Taking all good with it.

I have long since been dead.

And my body has been trampled on by the feet of my foes.

But still my Spirit Lingers,
Waiting to finally be set free.
Of This Curse.

Just hold my hand.

Just hold my shaking hand as I step out of the darkness,
And I will see you.

Just reach out to me in my moment of need,
And I will be yours.

Just follow me through my own demise,
Help me reach the point of shattering.
And I will give to you.

Just push me

And notice me as I fall.

And you can take everything from me.


Watch me fall.


Watch me fall off the edge of this world,
Because this world towers over me.

And I shrink before its height,
Not knowing when to stop hiding.



Just hold my hand
And I will be yours.

This Is How I Know.*

How I know
            I have finally lost this game.

But not only have I come to my end,
I have lost my way.

I have lost my strength
and my freedom.

Afraid,
          Perhaps
Of how this game not only changes the plot,
But also the player.

I love you comfort
I love you control
I love you Stranger

And I want you to know

That my thoughts
are with you,
every step of the way.

And I would like to guide you
To the place
You
     Long
            To
               Stay

My wants
are taken from me.

My needs are controlled.

I feel trapped in this Free World.
And nothing I do can quench my impossible desires.

I am starved.
And my exhausted body is slowly breaking down.

Because it can no longer carry my being.
My body is so broken I do not have the strength to carry on.

I have convinced myself that life is a punishment, not a gift.
And
I
am
Falling.

But you caught me.
You didn't let me fall.

YOU saved me in my weakest moment.
And without you, I would be lost in oblivion
Too dead to even dream of living.

So Thank You,
By saving me and giving me the gift of life,
You became my Hero.

I know nothing
       You know nothing

Life is a false lapse of reality

What you believe
        Is all you can control

What you believe
        Is the only truth

This world is made of knowledge.

      And you are not the only one consuming it.

I feel like i am imprisoned
There are bars encasing my heart
They are constricting
and suffocating
and debilitating

And i can't take a full enough breath
to laugh
Or be able to will myself
to smile

I feel contained in a separate world
Always looking in through the bars i am enclosed in.

I am limited
to limited happiness.
And i am keeping myself
from loving you more
or loving you less.

Always in a constant struggle to keep a balance
where neither of us gets hurt.

Here I am,
as one person.

As one being.

Expecting the world to change around me,
  Before I change myself.

I feel selfish,
  thinking that I would drop everything I know without hesitation
Just for a different place in the world.

because let's face it;

   I am just another player.
And this game we call life is so much bigger than me.

I see the world
through a small lens

so the robust
and infinite hugeness
of it
won't completely terrify me.

I am Broken
I am beaten down into small shards.

Cast away until nothing is left of my existence.
     So I rest my broken body in Limbo.
Until the earth confides in me,
and takes pity in my state of being.

And slowly I am taken by Earth,
and I live in coexistence with life.

The waves came, but never retreated

The silence grew, but never ceased

The sky blackened, but never lit

The signs of the world unraveling pierced straight through every mind,

The proof was given to mankind

The sun slipped
The ice sunk
The trees scarce
The deserts abundant
The ground quaked
The houses crumpled

The People Raged
Water departed
Food Rotten
Animals forgotten
Hopes gone

The Tide Has Turned
And people begin to regret, more and more.
People begin to see that there is so much more in life than the challenge of living.
That you have to show your humanity by creating, not destroying
You have to plant the tree, not demolish the forest

And Humanity Dreamt
Most could not imagine waking up
Others never wanted the dream to end
Some needed more convincing
And they dreamt
They closed their eyes and ventured through the world
Every era, every time
They saw creations being built, and then destroyed
New York replaced with swaying forests, rippling lakes, and expanding coastlines
They saw the Great Wall take itself down, replaced by untouched mountainous peaks with extraordinary views.
The Eiffel Tower crumpled, the city unfolding at its sides.
Everything from the Seine River to the towering Cathedrals turned into hills of vast green

They saw the beauty of the world, being untouched
But then they saw what was to come, what was created by powers unimaginable by man, and destroyed by its inhabitants
They saw things they could never forget
They saw things they could never imagine
They saw things that changed everything they thought they were
They saw things that not only answered their fears, but became reality
And the torture of the thought that this had started with the human race, and ended with the human race became apparent

It was only the truth,
That was what seamed to scare them the most

Everything was becoming nothing
Somewhere was becoming nowhere
And it was too late
Nothing could be done
The earth was slowly changing
And everything that was once living was slowly becoming only memory
And it was too late
Nothing could be done

But still,
They slept
And were swept into even deeper sleep
Taken across mountains,
Rivers,
Forests,
Deserts,
Oceans
All familiar signs of life for them
And once again, it changed

Back to The landscape of vast earth being covered in un-touched soil
The large lakes spreading their water into streams
branching left and right
  The jungles teaming with life so full, noises came
in every direction
And then they came to The first sign of humanity
  The first woman bearing a child,
  The first man showing a smile
But then they saw their familiar way of living change
Into what all the powers of human race intended their creations to do

To Live With All Living

On an island
   in the sea
      is where you will find me

All alone
  with no one to hold
       is how I will be

Always searching
    but never finding
         that person inside of me

That will
    love less
          but be more

of that someone
    people are trying
         to find in me

Never seeing
   but always searching
       for what makes me complete

Because making those around me happy
   is how happiness
       will find me.

She didn’t know what to do
She was trapped,
With absolutely nowhere to go

She had nothing left.
She had no one left.

She was the last one,
And was forced to fight this impossible battle,
That dozens had failed before her

She didn’t know what to do
And she was now,
Truly, and completely

Lost.

The fast ocean breeze
This was defiantly something she could get used to

She loved it.
She loved everything about it.

She felt free of the world around her
It took all worries away and stored them far

She learned that it is not always a good thing

If my fight is over,
Then why does it feel
Like I am running a Marathon?

Why does it always feel like I am
Desperate for air, wanting this fight to be over?

Why does it always feel like I am
looking for a way around the challenges
that are constantly being thrown in my direction?

Why do I always feel weak,
But strong enough to admit it?


*Because you are living life.
And in life you are always running,
even if nothing is chasing you.

Standing there-
Staring at my reflection,
I actually see
Myself for the first time in years.

My body and my mind are finally one again.

My Blue Eyes

The Freckles on my face

The Dimples of my cheeks

The waves of my hair


These things have always been mine.
**Finally feel like they belong.

There is this girl that I know.
She dreams in large doses that swallow her up.

She shies away from reality
as consistently as she shies away from me.

She sees the world in black and white,
with paper clouds and dull surroundings
Even when I tell her of all of the colors.

And she always clings to the possibility of love and acceptance,
as if they are the origin of her beating heart.

But still she believes
The world is a big and scary place, waiting to consume her.
That all of the possibilities it holds pressure her to be better, to excel.

She takes the things she has for granted,
and believes that happiness is something that takes an army to achieve,
And she doesn’t have a kingdom.

But how she is wrong,
Her dreams are made up of a gifted imagination that can take her anywhere.
Reality is nothing to fear, nor something to fight.
And the world is her canvas, ready to absorb whatever she desires.

She has nothing to fear,
The world is herbivorous, and feasts on happy endings.
All that’s asked of her is to be sincere and experience happiness,
no matter where that takes her.

But mostly what she doesn’t understand,
Is that she is surrounded by soldiers ready to fulfill their duty.
That love and care for every piece of her,
Honorable or
morose.
And as long as they are there to guide her,
she is invincible.

To live in this beautiful free world,
Is to live in an abode of possibilities.

Were the trees whisper secrets,
bending their skeletal bones to achieve their one desire.

The wind carries life on diverging paths,
Not knowing which direction it is taking till the last possible moment.

Were the sun cakes you with memories,
and allows you to dream of freedom in the most ambiguous ways possible.

Where water carries a current that steals away your troubles,
Carrying them down the winding river frigid with savage desires.
And the rush,
Rush of water is like blood, coursing through your veins and carrying
full responsibility for your parched temptations.

These are things that you never see-
You never appreciate.
Even when these images and feelings and thoughts are POUNDING on your eyelids,
Attempting to find sanctuary in your mind.

Open yourself up, and
Feel the glory of life.

Because the one thing you never do is appreciate the dips and curves and mountains and valleys and
Oceans
Of people.
It contains.

We run like telephone poles in the night
Darting through trees
Snaking through the sky

Reaching for the moon on our long wooden legs
Oh, how glorious we are with the moonlight glistening off of us

Beating with power
Pulsing with electricity
Arching through the air and lighting up the world around us.

Chasing an impossible dream to be fulfilled

To make that spark,
To rope in the magic suspended in the space around us.
And light the match.

That cultivates our spirit
Grounds our hopes
Cements them in the earth and
Buries them in the deep rich soil

Never to be questioned or second guessed

Oh how we grasp the air,
desperate to grab handfuls of somethings and turn them into everything
And change the world with the love and positivity we create.

How we long for the semblance of perfection amount the modern robots that surround us, rehearsing their phrases and learning the script of movie stars and socialites.
Rewriting their picturesque lives into our own realities.

And those people suspended higher then the rest of us-
constantly reminding us to jump higher,
Duck lower
Smile wider
Dip Deeper
Explore more
Love harder
Dance better
Filter everything
Raise heels
Tighten jeans
Laugh longer
Try harder

We take advantage of the miles of possibilities lining country roads and lighting up cities
Always expecting more of yourself and expecting less.

Struck down by the lighting rod of life
And burning from the inside out with unharvested potential.
Crumbling with the weight of our possibilities

And tumbling to the ground,
severed from our hopes and dreams.

Cutting off our influence
Shutting down the light in our world
And draining our surroundings of power.

Where we rot and wait for someone with a name tag and an antidote to prescribe us with a dose of energy.

Oh, how we chase our dreams into the ground

How we expect so much and accomplish so little.
How we fight for every breath to live out the ideal destiny dreamed up by society.

We run like telephone poles in the night.
Pulsing with energy and trying our best to light up the world.

I am running.
          Betting on time.

Dodging obstacles and crouching in the shadows.
  
           Running from the things chasing me.
                            Running from my true form.

Not knowing who I am
Where I am
Where I am going.

Only knowing that one day the journey will end.
And equally wanting more time, and then less.
           Secretly betting on both

So it turns into a game
A game were nothing seems real.

And over time I begin to feel no meaning,
        Only breath the thrill of the game.

And I turn every corner,
        no longer with stealth.
Or hope that there is no obstacle.

But daring the trap to corner me in,
Snap down on my being,
And let me feel that one feeling I am being deprived of.

                                     Conviction

These pages will be filled.

On them will be my eyes as I see them,

And my world as it will always be.

It's the feeling you get
When the weight of the world is crashing down on you.

When suddenly the air is stolen from your lungs
And your heart is coughed up, still beating but crying out in pain.

It's when your gasps for breath take in the fogginess of your brain
and being sliced through with a blade of steel would cause less pain.

It's when
     your heart breaks.

The world stops breathing
You stop listening to its beat, beat, beating.
Because there is no way in this moment that people are smiling, or happy, or complete.

It's that moment of absolute silence,
when the ticking of the clock and your heart stop beating in tandem.
And you want desperately to grab onto the hands of time. Grip onto the hands of your lost lover.
And turn back time.
And relive every happy moment.
       Again and again.

It's when you're in a concrete castle.
Completely aware of the people around you,
but unwilling to reach out for help.

Completely isolated and confined
Wanting and waiting and hoping and dreaming for that moment when the concrete castle crumbles
People come to comfort you,
the hands on the clock start turning forward
your heart stops screaming,
and you can breathe in life again.

I am tired of being weak.
I used to think that I was strong.
That I could conquer even the biggest problems.

But I have come to the realization that my pain,
was caused by my weaknesses.

I am not strong, I am not courageous.

I am frail.

And at this moment, I seem to be at the point of breaking.

Because even though I have fought for peace.

Pain and sorrow still follow me. And they always beat me.

What do I do?
  I will continue to live, but How can I live Happily?

My World* is darkness
      My World is hollow
My World is strained
      My World is cold

My World Lingers.
       Lingers before me,
Reminding me of who I really am.


My World Dances.
        Dances through time.
Not knowing when to let the music stop,
Not wanting reality to wander any closer.


My World is empty.
        Empty of reason.
Empty of any feeling but doubt.


My World is small.
        So small it turns inside itself,
Not wanting anything to escape.


My World is trapped.
        Trapped in space.
Away from everything but what I try to believe.


My World sleeps.
        Many hours, and Many days.
Not giving any clues on when it wishes to awaken.


Kept warm by a small blanket

                    That covers all its fears.

My mind thrives in the night.

It takes to it like an empty canvas,
Forming infinite meaning of words,
  Creating pictures that hold more sound than color

And with each shifting moment,
the words change to an adverse
meaning unlike reality.

Creating a new world of glass,
Catching many reflections,
and Casting them with a jumble of meanings that hold more truth than I am capable of comprehending

Throwing thoughts in every direction,
Making me stumble in my sleepless sleep.

My mind thrives in the night.

No.
Don’t.
Don’t think about it
Not now
Not ever
But the truth is, she will always be thinking of it
It is stained in her mind, her heart forever

She goes off to a better world,
Filled with beauty, adventure
But is always brought back to reality

Darkness covers her light
Screams cover her laughter

Then it happens all over again
What she saw that changed her life forever
Is the lingering nightmare
Always held before her

The day was perfect,
The trees were still,
The sun was setting,
And the warmth was just right.

Nobody knew that this was the last day you could roll in the mud,
The last day you would hear the crickets chirping,
The last day you would see the green needles sticking up from the ground
Nobody knew the sun wasn’t going to rise

Nobody thought any of those thoughts
Thoughts of the truth

Beneath this cloak of darkness,
I feel a hand.

A hand that guides me,
and defines me.

And when that hand's grasp loosens,
I am shot back to oblivion.

Too lost to be found.

The pain consumes every part of me.

And I cannot help but think
of what could fill these Open Spaces.

Where I am turned inside myself,
trying to hide from what I am missing.

Everything Beautiful inside of me is taken.

Everything that framed my body has cracked.

Everything that once molded who I was and what I wanted to become has shattered.

Everything healthy inside of me has hollowed out and left completly.
And I feel dead inside.

So I curse my features,
       For they do not follow suit.

And I am broken.

But a solid mask is stuck in place,
masking my truths from any followers.

So I stay peaced together.

Hiding from my true form.


*So well that I hide from myself

A first acquaintance.
That’s what she thought of herself.
She didn’t know who she was anymore

She could laugh
But it wouldn’t be true
She could smile
Bu it wouldn’t show

She didn’t have time to keep up with herself,
She just moved forward.
Leaving herself behind

And it was lost
And there was nowhere to look

All she could do was push
All she could do was keep going

And when she stopped,

She was alone.

A life that was once full is now

Forever Empty

I see the world through glass.

Glass that reflects who I am.
Glass that guides my every movement.
Glass that keeps me from believing.

And only breaks when pain comes,
                                                                      
                           forcing reality.

Her entire body was screaming.
Screaming to her thoughts that were not her own.

Screaming,  
That her body was no longer hers to control.
And soon the time would come when the body could no longer be shared.

But she found it hard to believe that her body had been so easily corrupt.

That the one thing she rightfully owned was stolen.
She fought.

She ignored her thoughts,
And pushed on with her actions.

Until all she knew was pain.
And all she felt was suffering.

She fought.

She did not let the feelings control her.

And eventually the pain and suffering left her,
Leaving her not only a new body,
But a new mind.