I have known him
When he lets me know him
I can usually not see over the walls
And I don't know why I am almost always on the outside
Or how to get in or if I am welcome or why I still care
But I do
I admire him
I am still captivated by him
By his strength, his bravery, his courage, his mind, his body
His compassion, his humanity, his humor, his, well, everything
And even if he never speaks to me again
I need for him to know that
His life is so precious to me
That I cannot bear to think of this world
Without him in it
He would be greatly missed
He matters in ways he may not even know
Some of his struggles are the same as mine
The darkness, the demons, and the lightness and friendly ghosts too
He lives with it all
And I'm so proud of him and also grateful for all I learned
I would always try to be there if he reaches out
Even if it's just as a friend in need of a kind word
Knowing this man has been
The most illuminating, moving, satisfying thing that ever happened to me

That word
Alone
Can mean anything anywhere to anyone
It is possible to feel alone among people if that is how you feel inside
When you can't connect with them
But I'm talking physically alone
A state of being that is not really natural for us social animals but so prevalent today
Alone means not with anyone else
Just me myself and I am alone a lot
And I won't lie sometimes alone means
Lonely
And it hurts and it aches
So til it changes which it may not really ever do, because I am fussy about that
I make friends with myself
I switch it around in my head to
Solitude
Peace
Acceptance
It gives me time to do all my DIY projects
My inner work. Work work work
And being my own friend, I fit some fun in too
So then when I'm not alone
When I get to be with anyone else
Even if it's just the mailman saying
Howdy
As he drives off leaving my mail
I can appreciate his company
For what it is
And I can see and recognize things
In others
That I already work on in myself
And I can offer comfort and company
And feel less alone
In my heart
If not my body
Alone is a choice and so is solitude
It doesn't have to feel lonely
But either way that's not where we grow
It takes other people
To have have fun to live to love to laugh to hurt to cry to anything
It's where we heal
If we can
So we can be unalone together

When I had given up hope
For the ten hundredth time
And cried for the love you didn't feel
When you made me go away again
And again
After I quivered in fear
And raged against you and me both
When you came after me
Don't do that again
And still I have lusted alone
Ached and moaned
And all I could think to myself:
So it is
I just won't ever know
How to ever know
The passion of our love
In real time
Disheartened by our fears
And so I faced my future
Lonely and bleak
And lifeless
Without you
And yet here you are again
Can it be true?
It's not an ambiguous thing for me
It's just some fear here still but
My heart is hopeful
All I want is to see you
And for you to see me be brave
It's all I ever wanted
If you are real
I don't know anything any more
Except that I miss you
And I want you
And I love you
And only you
Please
With sugar on top?

You call me stingy
And yes I am
And stronger now than when my heart was weak and flimsy and girlish
And you took my love
And tossed it aside
And now you say again wait wait wait
Let us try
And sure why not? It's just our hearts
On the line
Mine has cracked open and I can see inside. Ouch and wow and yay!!!
So do not wonder why it is that I stand still and scratch my head
While my heart beats away all the beats it has left
And then my head, wondering
At your ways, your odd ways
While inside I quake and hope and yes fear but even still I want to...why?
It is a woman's heart now inside me
A woman's head
It is still the thoughts and the hope of love and opening and touching
Presents and smiling and laughing and sharing and trusting
That we are kindred spirits
And we know how amazing it could be, we can feel it
That maybe this time is our time
It is the stuff of my dreams
Our coming together
But I am not a yo yo or your toy
And you are not mine
And yes I get mad
But I don't bother trying to get even
I'd rather be trusted and respected than loved or hated
We both have ****** it all up
I own it. Do you?
And I am sorry
Missed the cues
Misunderstood
Me not more than you
Think about that
It was not only me who erred
That is where we seemed to fall
Both of us blaming me and that is not fair but neither is life
And I don't like the word blame anyway

But my love for who you are is true
No matter what
And I still want to kiss you
And hug you
And things
I'm just here you know?
And you are there
Is there a bridge?