I live in moments purely in the pursuit of one-liners
I reach out for someone to love me
For upwards of thirty seconds, only to never have quite the same sensation again
I simply crave - certainty

I want to drink the devil's water until I can't drink any longer
I'll dab it on my lips and hold the taste there for hours
I want someone to hold me and tell me things are fine-
That I'll figure them out

I want someone to cling to me in a drunken stupor- as if they needed me
It's an upward battle- because even I don't need me
But I need someone
I need someone to need me

Not now, not ever
Have I ever felt anything but disposable
And for what?
Can someone guide me in the direction where I may correct myself?
What am I doing incorrectly?
I am dumpster trash in the form of a girl
I'm a wasteland in the form of a human shell
Such a pity- because no one could politely explain
How things could be different for me

If I just shed a few
Pounds or brain cells
Maybe I could be good enough for someone
And not particularly in a romantic way
Though that, like most humans I crave
Where are my friendships?
I am not so deserving

If only someone could guide me
Into being the one that others would be proud to call their best in secret
And would leave me with a joyful tear on my pillowcase each night
A shame that no one has the hour to even endure that alongside someone such as myself


Jesus ******* Christ! I hate myself
And that just might be the only sliver of certainty I may see