The fluttering of her mind began to take hold again,
this time not allowing the medicine to do what it was meant to.  
His voice finally abandoned her head
and the sound of his name
no longer
made her heart creep up into her throat.
Each day began fresh
leaving behind the waves that yesterday left.
In turn this left him nowhere near the picture frame.
Her eyes were glazed,
letting the world claim her.
She was no longer his…
So who was she?
The thought of remaking herself to be
her own being,
and not merely just
one who lives in the shadow
of whom she loved
seemed to be forever daunting.
She asked God if he could do it for her.
He slammed the door in her face
after taking notice of
her soft pathetic plea.
For it was not his job
to recreate her.

I couldn't seem to see your face last night
in my dream.
Only the right side.
And when I tried searching for it
all I could find was
the reflection of my mothers smile.
The one she gives to all of her party guests.

I knew
you were gone.
But for a second there, I
didn't believe God
had taken you.

Now that I'm awake
all I want to do is cry.
I know I'm supposed to be strong but
I miss you,
all the time.

Your face keeps emerging
on strangers bodies.
I
wish you would stop playing tricks
on my mind
because the reminder
hurts.

It hurts not only me
but the people I love.
I can't seem to control
what comes out of my mouth when
you're near.

I wish
I could run
to the safety of your home
and
tell you all about how horrible being nineteen
really is.
I wish you would
wake chlo and I up
in the early morning to see if
we would join you on a run,
only to be let down
by the groans of
the language of sleep.
I wish I told you that
you mean the world to me,
and
you were more of a mother
than my own will ever be.

I'm scared that I'm forgetting.
I know it's not healthy to
live in the past
but I can't help
having the urge  
to make you proud
of the person I'm becoming.

The one who leaves flowers
by the accident, and
who can't seem to
forgive that man for
swerving off the road
when,
I know I should.

I sit here
unaware that the tapping of
the yellow pencil in my
right hand is disturbing my neighbor.

I used to call him every saturday morning.

As I try not to fall asleep again
during first period,
I think about him,
about what I would take back
if I could.

I'd take back that look of sincerity,
because I wasn't.
I'd take back all of those
hours we shared in Central Park.
Not because I want to erase him.
I just want to
erase who I was.

A girl with
a reality that had been
soaked in arrogance.
Someone who didn't know
when or why
to say no.

I should have
said no to him.

I loved that he loved me.
Not because it was
him who loved me
but
because it was
someone new.
Maybe if I tried hard enough
I could have loved him back or
at least pretended to.

I don't think that
any amount of trying
would have made me
change my mind.

I can't stand people
who get mad at p(r)etty things.

You can leave, now that
you have my heart.
It follows behind you
when you go,
and takes my mind along with it.

I can't sleep without dreaming
of you.
I can't eat without feeling
nauseous over our past.

Breathing becomes hard with it's
unwavering feelings of drowning.
Drowning inside of this grey area.
You are to far away
for me to keep on
reaching.
All I want is to
escape you.
Escape us.

We will never be
again.
I tried for so long that
I've grown tired of
reaching for something
that doesn't come back
to me.

So if you would be so kind
as to leave my mind,
I would be forever grateful
for the favor.

You saw the brand new skinny ghost.
It was lost in a dream.
Beside you, you felt the inflating lungs of an angel.
Then emerged the duo.
The one the notebook created.
It left you thinking.

I saw you sitting there, on the edge thinking.
Your face morphing into a ghost.
You claimed that change wasn’t new creation.
Psychologists say that you’re trapped within a dream.
I scream because we were the extravagant duo.
Take away the angel.

Did you love the soft ways of the angel?
She always left me on the ground, thinking.
Why did she escape the duo?
I begged her to be the ghost.
Fill my head with beautiful dreams.
Take me to the time of creation.

You say I don’t appreciate,
I need to meditate,
stop,
don’t drop.
“I need you”
“You’re beautiful, Bea.”
Am I?
“Don’t leave me.”
I wouldn’t dream of it,
but I need to,
you’re killing me.
“Mother know's best.”
Do you?
“You’re just like him, a washed up *** head.”
I just need an escape.
Don’t you see?
I’m scared.
“Everything’s okay”
I know it’s not, but I will keep pretending, because that’s all you know.
“The pills will just make you more ugly.”
I am no longer beautiful.
“You only want the easy way out, to be high.”
You’re right,
I do want to be high.
High enough so your words don’t register and you kick me out of the house instead of me choosing to leave on my own.
High enough so you leave me alone.
High enough so you hug me in desperation for me to stay one more night.
High enough so I see him again in my delusions.
I think you may have scared him off with the sound of your sobs.
It’s not my fault he’s gone.
“You create the world around you.”
Remember?

As a young child
I remember lying
in my parents bed,
between them,
wrapped in their blankets
and
engulfed in their snores.

I had just
woken up
from a nightmare,
scared, tired,
and trying to
self-sooth.

I
watched
as my mothers stomach
inflated and deflated
with every
lingering breath.
I tried to pace my own
in the same steady ongoing rhythm,
because only then,
would I not be sick.

Lying there
consumed in the dark
of the night,
worrying about
what the day would bring
and what my dreams would unleash.

Brother,
things keep us in the rain
we can be like the music
as I melt inside
I'm having too much fun...
all my best

I wish I could live
within the warm confines
of your bed,
wrapped in the thoughts
that fill your mind.

Can you take me there?
Only for a little while.
Because I don't want to
bug you
but
I can't
bring myself to leave.

Cold pizza never tasted this good.
Nearly
four am,
I can almost see the sky begin to
wake up,
when I haven't even
thought of sleep,
or home
in the hours that have
passed us by.

I wish I could stay.
It doesn't have to be here.
Just somewhere,
somewhere where
I can feel you
close to me, and
hear your heart beat
faster and faster
with every whisper
I let hit your ear

Tell me to stay,
and I will.

Tell me to leave,
and I might
never come back.

I can't breathe today
or any other.
I haven't been able to
for the past fourteen years.
My throat burns
with what today brought out of me.
I failed.

Failed to tell you that
I'm sick
in the head.
Failed to tell you that
I don't need your help
but I
want it.
I failed to let you know
that I love you
without saying it.
I failed to let you see me
cry.

I wanted to keep it all in but
somehow
it managed to escape,
out my lungs and into the cold
harsh air of
January's reality.
I don't want to face it all
but
you keep on taking off the
blindfold.

These "feelings" make me sick and
all I want to do is be with you.
Be beside you
and
sleep through the night
knowing you're there to hold me
if the room gets too cold.

I was too young
When we met

If I could turn back time
I wouldn’t

Our worlds tear us apart
They eat away at our souls
They make me feel so insignificant

Worthless
You go “home” and shove the image of me
So far back into your soul
That it might seem
To the one who doubts
That you forgot
But we both know
You never could

You
Held me with only enough time to
Watch the sun rise and set
Between the short passing of
Forty-eight hours

Stay
I’m trying
To make you a part
Of this

I want to stay
in bed
and have you remember me,
because we can't talk about it
now

listen closely,
this is the last time
we will remember,
how we wish it would have worked

you're image is beautiful
and I
love it

I'm
coming home
so get Mary to sing
the lost words alongside
Molly
and forget about it
all


forget about it
all
and sit there
in our memory
of this home,
it was so perfect

we planned it all,
on the couch,
in midday
with
the sun peering through the window
to match
my dress

I'm
coming home
so scream Molly
to help you
escape your trap
within Mary
and forget about it
all


I will remember you well
because often is a relative word
that whispers in strangers ears
of past melodies
heard through kitchen curtains
of midday memories

I'll remember you well

close you eyes and, watch
as these words hypnotize
I want to feel your lies
talk to me like I'm in your dream
"shh"
you say as I scream
"honey" rolls off your tongue
I listen
as you take the air from each lung

I need a new fix
your language doesn't mix with mine
so why do I keep wasting my time?
I promise you,
I'll be just fine

I...
can't break the cycle
of your old recital
so
take a bow
because I'm about to avow