To the man who never loved me back
I have died over and over
On this canvas to paint you
I commit suicide for you
Every time I create an artwork
So that I could live
But still you cannot love me back
Sometimes I wish
To be emotionally and artistically barren
So I cannot therefore create
I cannot therefore write
I’ll just lay by your side
Dead
Maybe by then you’ll love me back
Your eyes tell me the words you cannot utter
The words you cannot whisper
These are the prayers I cannot answer
I know I am physically and mentally impaired
There are things that I can never give you
But I will never apologize
I will never say sorry to you
Instead,
I will offer you the things that she cannot give you,
The experiences only I can tell you
The pictures only my eyes can show you:
My time
My art
My death
I plead:
Will you now love me back?
I love you more than you love yourself.
I love you so much I forgot how to love myself.
I love you more than I loved myself.
Now, nobody loves me
Not even me
Why can’t you love me back?
Tell me honestly
Am I really hard to love?
Am I asking for too much?
How many more deaths do I have to take?
Tell me.
How can you love me back?
I have died a thousand times
Waiting for you to answer me
I have risen from the dead a thousand times
Still you are still
Still you remain silent
You cannot answer me back
But why can’t you?
Why can’t you love me back?
I am dying again
I thought I am already dead
And you are beyond death
Even if I die a thousand times again
I can never reach your death
For you are dead and blind
You are dead and deaf.
You are not lifeless
But you are dead
I am dead
But I am full of life
I think I’m alive because I love you
But loving you makes me feel dead
You’re the only one I live for
Yet you ****** me over and over again
You always rip me in half
You always break my heart.
You always ****** me
But the sun will always rise
From then I’ll be set free
You always break my heart
But not the soul inside of me
The caterpillar is born to be
A humble butterfly and free
You always break my heart
You always incinerate me
But I always rise like the phoenix
From the ashes I’m set free
You always break my heart
I am a willing martyr.
I am a *******,
You are my sadist.
I love you so much
I don’t care facing death
Again and again
Because you are the reaper of my soul
And I trust you
You take my life away with you
In exchange for the answer I am longing for
But you betray me
Still you cannot love me back
I am now hopeless
Now I am dead and lifeless.
You have lost my soul in space
Where it is impossible to find
For there are millions of souls lost in space: the stars
Crying as they twinkle
Waiting for the same answer
I’m waiting for:
When will you love me back?
Now I am emotionally and artistically barren.
I cannot create anything now
I am turning red and yellow
I am smiling
I am laughing through the pain
Happiness is immobilizing me
Writing this line kills me yet still
I write
For you
Can you now love me back?
I have died a thousand times to live.
You have taught me that
Death is rebirth
You said being dark blue is
Being beautiful
In deep sadness I can **** myself
And from the void I’ll be born again
I followed you
I became dark blue
But still
You never loved me back.
I am tired of being your toy
I am tired of being your doormat
I am tired of pleading
I am tired of being a fool
I thought I was tired of being alone
That’s why I needed your love
But now
All I want is to be alone
Because you’ll never love me back
I am tired of waiting for an answer
I am tired of waiting for your love
I am tired of dying over and over for you
I am tired of asking
Why can’t you love me back?
Now, I am waking up from the dead
Facing the reality:
I loved you,
So much
But you never loved me back.
I still love you so much
But still you cannot love me back
I have died a thousand times living for you.
I murdered myself to be someone you wanted to love
But still you made me feel like I am so hard to love.
I have died a thousand times living for you.
You murdered me to be someone who I am not
And now, I don’t know who I am anymore.
I have died a thousand times living for you.
I am not scared to die again
For I have seen death a million times
But if I will die again
It will be for my own sake
It will be for me
And not for you
I thought I would die without you
But without you,
I felt so much alive
I am better off without you
I would rather be alone forever
And die again and again alone
Than to be with you eternally
I am now tired of wanting you to love me back
I just want my lives back.
You are my death
Yet you are the elixir that revives me
You ****** me over and over again
And you bring me back to life again and again
But now why can’t you give me my life back?
I am tired of loving you now.
I am tired of dying
I am tired of living.
Forget my love for you
I just want my life back
I have died a thousand times living for you.
Now I don’t want to die loving you
Because I know you will not love me back
I have died a thousand times living for you.
Now I just want to live again.
I just want my life back.
Give me my life back.
-from the girl you never saw inside me.
(1,079 words)