lets rewind...

back to the time we never met,

before our first "hi" and "bye",

before our first hug and kiss,

lets rewind a bit further, we're
still not there,

lets go back in time,

before your first layed your eyes
on me,

lets rewind,

no matter how much it hurts- don't stop...

we'd be better off,

this is our last goodbye,

lets rewind and go our separate ways,

forget about me in this lifetime and remember me
in our next,

just take the pain away,
so there's no more heart ache,

lets stop rewinding, we're here,

here's our last hi and bye,

our last hug and kiss,

the last time you'll ever lay your eyes
on me, this is our last everything in this lifetime,

but before all this ends, i just want you to know that..
i love you and we will be together in the next life...

now your heads held down, hands in your pockets.... and the saddest thing of all is that your walking away with tears streaming down your beautiful face..

I want to scream until my lungs give out,
I'm tired of being silent, I'm tired of feeling
This monster inside me pace back and forth, I'm
Afraid to let it lose because I don’t want to be like
You, so I close my eyes and breathe in deep to compose
Myself, but truth be told, I'm dying inside,

I'm tired of being the bigger person all the **** time,
I've never truly experienced what its like to be a kid,
I got stuck raising my brother while you drank your
Pain away till you finally reached your breaking point
And would beat me, I'm tired of smiling through the pain
And the blood I shed for you, I've done my time,

I'm tired of living in fear of you, to expect to come home
To you with the smell of alcohol and the belt that would
Be waiting for me, I'm tired of lying to my brother about the
Bruises I would have because I didn’t want him to know what
A monster you were, instead I would lie and say just another
Fight with a kid at school,

I'm tired of being called names and being pushed around,
I'm tired of being a mother to my little brother when I
Should be busy fighting with him instead of raising him,
I was at the point of giving up, but then I would look at him
And he was what kept the fire going, to wake up the same way;
Always another hit, another bruise, another tear, and a lot more
Fear….

I'm tired of being afraid of losing you… because even though I'm
Afraid of you, I still love you because you’re my mom… I'm afraid one
Day ill come home and you won’t be waiting for me- drunk with a belt
In your hand ready to beat me… instead you’ll be laying in bed, dead…
I wouldn’t know what to do because you wouldn’t be there to call me
The familiar names I've come to accept as each lash came down…

Truth is… I've come to accept it... That this is your way of saying you
Love me… but at the end of the day… I may be angry with you…
But I still love the monster that you’ve become because this is the only
form I've ever seen come you come in- a monster

Let me tell you about a game i play,
where i close my eyes and fade away...

i float away to a special kind of place,

Beyond the stars, moon and space,
in this special place you see, there are only
two people- you and me- in this place,
all is right- nothing but love, and we
never fight

In this place, there is no sadness, no cells,
no courts, non of that madness, no rules to
follow, no laws to break, no bars to hold us or
separate, no one to tell us we cant kiss or touch...

I don't just tell you "i love you"- i show you how much,
but eventually the game must end...

My eyes must open, and reality will set in... but
someday soon- and I'm not sure when... but i will
close my eyes and I'll play my game again...

every second i see you is another second spent in flames,

you can try to apologize, but you know that i cannot be tamed,

if it wasn't for you, i wouldn't be sitting alone at lunch or running
around teary eyed so much,

you told me that you would never hurt me- that i was the perfect girl..

but now you can talk to me or even look me straight in the eyes... and i
don't see why...

i look over my shoulder, and see you walking again and suddenly I'm standing
in flames trapped and pain is increased by a magnitude of ten,

you laugh and smile as you wrap your arms low around her waist and kiss
her lightly on the lips,

i turn away feeling my breath leave me and my chest heave tightly,

i just want to escape and never have to see that beautiful smile, and feel myself
in the flames as i burn,  

I'm not suicidal and I'm not even depressed,

I'm just all alone in the world.

and you took a part of me when you left.

i try and forget the pain,

and forget the hurting,

but the thoughts themselves are just too burdening,

finally, i just accept the feelings,

and embrace the pain,

it all drifts away, and starts to unfold,

i stand now not in warm fire.... but cold

my heart feels like its torn in two,
why cant i just be with you?
everyday another tear,
everyday a lot more fear,

i want to hold you in my arms,
i want to keep you safe from harm,
i act like things are all okay,
but really.. i just want to run away,

i act like things are all alright,
but i always seem to just end up
in a fight, i cry more tears than i
can count; why wont you just let me
out???

i continue to tell myself that
one day I'll be strong enough to
walk away... because i cant
continues to just sit here and watch
you love her...

you have my heart, and its like you
don't care because every kiss you give to
her is like another tiny dart piercing through
my heart.

I'm tired of watching you love her,
I'm tired of hearing those "i love you's"
that hold no promise, my heart is breaking,
and i know that you don't care... but what else
could i expect from a one way love???

someday ill have the courage to love again...

i wish i could reach out and touch your face,
to feel the sparks that tingle through my body at our
touch,

i wish i could feel your lips against mine, to
feel the way you want me,

i wish i could feel my head on your chest, to feel
your steady heart beat as you sleep

i wish i could feel your hands on my hips to bring me
closer as we kiss, to feel the love that you feel for me pour
through you,

i wish i could feel you hugging me from behind
with your famous smirk against my ear, saying you
want me and your deep **** chuckle rumble through
your chest when i shiver against you...

there are so many things that i can wish to feel from you... but what i want to feel the most is yours hands griping my hips to bring me closer to you and you whisper in my ear that you love me even though I've hurt you... selfish? maybe, but its all that i can wish for...

i love you... i do
so what am i to do???
i know you love me to,
so why does this have to be
so complicated?!

i have your heart, and
you have mine to... i want
you to be mine all the time...
but sometimes i feel like you've
left me behind...

I'm here, your there.. i feel
so alone, and even though we
share the same sky, stars and moon..
i still feel so alone...

i love you- i do!
so tell me what am i to
do!? i want you all the time...
but, somehow i feel like you've
left me behind...

you helped me laugh, you dried my tears,
and its because of you that i have no fears,
together we live, together we grow,

teaching each other what we must know,
you came in my life, and i was blessed,
i love you my friend, you are the best,

release my hand and say good-bye, please
my friend- don't you cry.. i promise you this
is not the end 'cause like i said.. you are my
friend and i shall see you in the next life..

i can think of a thousand ways to die, and you can pray to go god that i dare not to try, because at night, tears fall and I'm sorry that i cant tell you all, but everyday since i left him, i tell myself that everything will be okay... but i have to face the fact that, everything is falling apart and so is my heart... i miss him, and until I'm with him again i will only continue to fall apart and think of a thousand ways to die.