Four, nearly five years ago, he was 4 years and 11 months my senior. We would stay up most of the night. Together. Then I would wake up and he would be gone. And after a few months it became a normal thing to wake up alone. Undisturbed and a little cold. Make the bed. Put away dishes. Gather my things. Go home. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Until one day he was gone for 8 months. No goodbye. No farewell. Just a break up text and disappointment. I would wake up and he would be gone. But this time he would be thousands of miles away. And all I could think about was water. And where the heck he could possibly be. But not wanting to write, because I didn't want to bother him. But I drank and caved in. I was tired of drowning. It was hot there. Over 100 degrees. He sent pictures and wrote back quickly. He came back. He showed me things he bought from other countries. I smiled again. He showed me more pictures. He got a dog. Fast forward another year. I would wake up and he would be gone. It was a normal thing by now. We had a routine. Make the bed. Put away dishes. Play with the dog. Gather my things. Go home. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Drown. Tell him how I felt. Radio silence. 10ft down. Explain how long I felt that way. No explanation from him. 20ft. No apology. 30ft. Direct questioning on how he felt. Dodged and avoided. 40ft. Go to bed. Wake up. And he's gone again. 50ft. 60ft. And it's cold. I can't feel my toes anymore. And it's getting dark. Play with the dog. 70ft. Make the bed and put away dishes. 80ft. Gather my things. Go home. 90ft. Silence. 100ft. And I'm done. I can no longer breathe. And I can no longer swim. I am sinking. And the pressure of the water is crushing my lungs. For two years I choked on sea water. I lived and I died. I waited. But I didn't cry. At 100ft under the waves tears are pretty pointless. After two years of wanting this thing, this person, I no longer want it. Because it doesn't want me. But I'm still afraid when I wake up. And the bed is empty. And I still panic when someone walks out the door. Because I never know which time will be the last. Or which ocean they're about to cross. And my childlike awe and innocence were thrown overboard and forgotten. It created an obsession for that lifestyle. So I became it. I woke up early. I pushed myself farther than I thought possible. And after years of watching him put his on, I earned my own uniform. And I went back to him. But I felt nothing. I surfaced. I can swim again. I have no feelings. I don't even have ill will anymore. He's only a friend. And there will come a day, quite soon, actually, when he will go home. Halfway across the country. And he won't be back. And I won't see him again. Ever. And that's ok. Because people leave. And sometimes they don't come back. And you're cold and a little disturbed. But you make the bed. Gather your things. And leave. Now the one who has panic attacks, the light sleeper, the one who holds a pillow at night to take the place of a body, and the one who begs you not to go, becomes the one who can't be tied down. She leaves. She drifts. Floating on the waves alone in peace and absolute terror. But not love. Not hate. Because she lost all feeling about 100ft down.

The best part is, 5 years later you're begging for me to enter your life again. Once or twice a week, you're inviting me out with you and your friends. You're asking me what I've been up to, where have I been and why haven't I seen you lately. But I'm here. I have always been here. You were the one who left. Every morning. Your time has passed. I was young and dumb. Which is why you probably never cared much. Understandable. I grew up. And now you see my worth. But so do I. And I will never allow myself to be disrespected like that again. Lesson learned. Now it's your turn to wake up alone. Make your bed. Put away your dishes. Gather your things and go home.

When I was younger, I thought my sign was a water sign; Aquarius - aqua - water. Water. Water which must be contained, restricted to the shape of its container. Cool and calm. But Aquarius is not a water sign; it is an air sign. I am not restricted like water. I am unable to be contained, as the wind. I can be a gentle breeze on a warm day, cooling your dampened cheeks. I can carry plant spores to grow new life in new lands. I can run through your hair, refreshing your soul and mind. I can power wind farms and provide electricity for mankind.
Or
I can whip the seas into fury. I can down the world's largest ships. I can uproot trees and destroy any home. I can blow down buildings, and turn sand into tiny, stinging bullets. I can force tears from your eyes. I can move earth. I can carry airplanes...or drop them. I can bring warmth or coolness.

I am ageless and forever. I have no end or beginning; I simply am.
The fate of nations is at my whim. I am not water. I am the wind. I am unstoppable.

It was as if the clouds gathered on that day just for her. Her tears summoned the shade and they floated gently in her direction on the breeze of utter dispair held in one girl's heart. But we all know clouds don't move for people. They don't move for businesses or countries or religions or even very sad souls. They just are. Like her sadness. Maybe it was just there. Hovering above her grey world. It just was. And she should do nothing but glance around and accept it. She couldn't control it. And like the clouds, her sadness, too, would eventually, slowly, drift away.

And I say boys loosely because you remind me of animals.
To all the boys who didn't listen to me.
To all the boys I mistook for men.
To all the boys who made me what I am.
One, thank you.
Two, this is what you have done:

I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to care
All I know is to please; and it doesn't matter where.

I said no, you kept going, I pushed you away.
You laughed, I was drunk, I would do what you say.

I was scared to use force, I didn't want to upset you.
I'd rather be the one hurt once you were done and through.

I know it's not my fault, but I feel that it is.
I invited you over, I didn't intend on a kiss.

I know I said no, I know I tried to keep my clothes on.
But you're stronger than me, you made me your pawn.

Once you're inside I don't know what to do
I push your hips away, but you keep coming through

It does feel good, but this wasn't my choice.
I just wish I was louder, where is my voice?

I put myself in this position not only a time or two.
But several, never ending, a cycle I tend to do.

I know how it ends, I expect it by now.
You just want my body, it doesn't matter how.

So everyone that I meet, I offer to please.
You oblige my desire, my insecurity it feeds.
If I don't do this, I'm assuming you'll leave.
It's all I know, this is what I believe.

I don't do it for me, I question myself, or do I?
I don't know anymore if I should smile or I should cry.
I say it's independence and I'm doing what I want.
But I think I've been brainwashed by *******, nonchalant.

It dawns on me now, I'm sick in the head.
I don't know how to date, without getting in bed.
How can I find a man to love me and stay,
If I give it away on the very first day?

I can't help myself, I'm obsessed.
With these thoughts and fears I've so repressed.
Each year I get weaker, but I think I'm getting stronger.
I don't know how to stand for this abuse much longer.

There will come a day when a gentleman finds himself with me
He'll be polite and perfect, nothing wrong that I can see.
But I'll scream and I'll fight the second he touches my skin.
The PTSD, brainwashing complete, I am broken within.

I say no to the right ones and yes to the wrong.
So I start to believe it's what I want all along.
But this sick feeling inside that just won't go away.
Of the boys I turned down, and still got their way.

I'm an addict for sure but not of *** or the act.
An addict of pain for me, this I know for a fact.
An addict of pleasing the men who enter my life.
Whether they love me or leave me with a scar from the strife.

So I'm here telling my story
In all of my disgusting glory
I'm trying to recover
A cure I must discover

To save me from myself and any future pain
I'm hoping I can erase all the scars in my brain
I want to start again, fresh and anew.
I want to start again, and I want to start, with you.

And it's at times like this that I've needed you the most. But you're not here. I could possibly text you, if I dug through my papers and found your number that I deleted three weeks ago. Or I could message you on Facebook if I didn't have too much pride to unblock you. But you left me for a reason, and I'm still coming to terms with it. I miss you. And when my life is a mess or I'm having a bad day, or I'm feeling lonely, or bored, or extremely happy, I want to tell you. But I can't. Because I told you that I wouldn't contact you again. And I won't. But I'm writing to myself, to spell out that it's very, very hard not to. What's even worse is that I should hate you. After all that we've been through and after all that you did, I'm still sitting here missing our friendship. And all the hate and anger and fear that have been coursing through my veins for the past 7 months quietly subsides when you enter my mind. For some strange reason, I feel no ill will towards you at all. I don't know why, because I should. I should hate you, or at the very least really, really dislike you. But I don't. I just need you. I need a friend. I need a friend like you. I need YOU. But I can't.



And I'm trying to stay "strong" and pretend I can handle this on my own. It works for the most part. But for the past month and a half, I've just been waiting for the inevitable breakdown. I've felt it coming on, but it just hasn't happened yet. Like the growling of Mt. Vesuvius or the slight tremors before a devastating earthquake, it's coming. I'm just waiting for myself to snap and cease to function. And I have no one to tell. Except you. Because you understand. Because you've been there. And you are the single human being on the planet that can calm me and stop the breakdown. Or maybe you can't. Maybe you'll just hold me until it's over and everything will be alright again. Maybe. But never. Because you're not here and you never will be. And I'm trying so hard to come to terms with that.



But you were an amazing best friend. I told you anything and everything. Nothing was off limits at all. It was freeing. You were my freedom. You've worked hard to support me and I'm incredibly thankful for that. You pushed me through literally the most difficult times in my life. But as soon as I seemed to be ok, you vanished. And now I'm sitting here mourning your loss like a confused puppy. It's pathetic. And in order to avoid calling you or texting you, I'm sitting on my couch writing this, trying to make myself hate you for abandoning me, but I can't. It's not working. I'll never hate you like I should because I loved you. I love you. And if you called me at 3am asking for anything in the world, I would be delighted to bring it to you. But you won't. Because you don't love me. You never loved me. I was a crutch and a rebound and now I'm a thing of the past. And I have to remind myself over and over that my illusion of seeing you again and seeing the shock and surprise and pure joy on your face at the sight of me, is just that; an illusion. One that will never come to pass.



You were my best friend. And now you're a ghost. And as much as I need you, I need to get away from you even more. This is what you've done to me. This is how you make me feel. And that's not healthy at all. I'm obviously unstable enough as it is. Even if you came back from the dead, who's to say when you'll disappear again and leave me hanging once more? I don't need you. I need to rely on myself. Not an ex or an ex friend or ex best friend or anyone else in the world. Me. Just me. The hardest part about any problem is admitting you have a problem. Here I am admitting it. The next step is admitting you need help. Here I am admitting that I need help. The next step is asking for help. This is me, asking for help. And getting it. I'm looking up a mental health counselor today. I miss you, Richard, and I miss our friendship. But this is me also saying, I'll never see you or talk to you again. And I'm not ok with that, but I will be. In time, I will be.

How does it feel to miss something that was never yours?
To feel your heart burn daily for a lost love
who never loved you solely?
Is it truly lost, then?

How unimportant, used, betrayed, and lied to I feel.
He has someone new, and I stand here searching.
Struggling and fighting to keep an even keel.
Doing anything to keep my stomach from lurching.

I feel alone, lost, afraid, and unwanted.
Cold, embarrassed, angry, and haunted.
I'm weak, upset, distressed, and disheveled.
The walls of my heart, completely leveled.

But they're up now again, never to fall.
Never to lean, the strongest of all.
So thick and mighty like a redwood tree,
No one and nothing will ever get to me.

This chill you feel here in my soul?
It reaches my bones and dims my eyes.
I embrace the cold to only feel whole
I spread my wings to fly over the lies.

I lie to myself, I lie to them, and I lie to him.
I'm convinced it's all ok, all alright.
Hoping no one can see the pain inside,
My heart's fire slowing to an ember dim.

It gets better day by day, night by night
I'll find a way to do what's right.
I'll move on, just as he
I'll be as strong as that redwood tree.

I'm a sapling now, small and weak.
I'm very thin and my voice is meek.
But give me time and water my roots
And you can be the first to ******* fruits.

Seek it out, and ye shall find
You're the one to release my mind.
Lend me your wings or teach me to fly
One way or another, I'll touch the sky.

He's not a bad guy, she's not a bad girl
But thoughts of them make me hurl.
She smart and she's pretty,
She's nice and she's witty.

He's handsome and tall,
He's wonderful, all in all.
I should be happy, I should be glad
But all I feel right now is super sad.

I have good days and I'll have bad
But half the time I'm raging mad.
Break ups are not easy or fun
But sometimes they must truly be done.

I've fallen for a pilot on the USS Bush
A life impossible without a great push.
See, I desire to be a Marine
Strong, proud, and incredibly pristine.

Two officers together but always apart
Far in distance, but near in heart.
No one can say what the future holds.
But I can't wait to see what unfolds.

I'll find myself with or without him.
I'll earn my wings and so much more.
My dreams will fill my heart to the brim.
My dream be in the United States Marine Corps.

Alone or together I know I'll be me.
This life or the next, I know I'll be free.

the gazer, he is called.
he calmly watches the world around him.
he analyzes threats and joys.
he sees clouds, sun, planets, and people.
but this one stops him.
this thing.
it stops him. and it stops his heart.
this one, different thing...

first a description:
he is nothing miraculous
funny, because i love him
that, in itself is not a miracle.
for love is easy. it's blind and cruel.
but this...this feeling
whatever it is....it is unworldly.
this one, different thing...

here's the poem, here's some lines,
i'll try to make sense, i'll try to rhyme.
here is a special few verses
for the special man who nurses
not mine, but our weary souls.
this one, different thing...

-begin-

his past is as dark as his hair,
heart as light as his eyes are fair.
he is smart, but no genius
he is strong, with no meanness

he has a name which gives him no favors,
his voice is a sound that never quavers.
his family, a gem
not of glass or stone,
but one of him,
one of home.

to be polished and cleaned,
shined til it gleamed
scratches run deep
as it's surface will weep

but family, none-the-less
a gem, but i digress.
this is for him, not them.

he is taller than i,
he sees but is blind
but when i come to mind,
i open his eyes.

in a flash i arose, i shot through his sky
i lit up his world with my light and my try
i'm a once-in-a-lifetime
i'm a half-witted rhyme
i'm a comet, you see
flying alone and flying free.

but this flight was different.
every pass 'round the sun, i grow weaker.
my tail shortens, my ice is spent.
my voice becomes meeker.

as i shot by above the earth's sky
i spied with my little eye,
a man.

i've seen many men.
i've seen planets.
i've seen rocks.
i've seen just about anything a comet can see.

but this man. he stopped. and he looked.
right at me. right through me. right through me.
i may have been wrong, i may have mistook,
but when i saw him, i saw me, i saw we.

i'm not the only comet he's seen
but i am the brightest.
the time he's spent on earth
with rocks so mean,
they make diamonds look weak
(like the ones on her hand)

but i am the brightest.
i'm the cleanest, i'm the rightest.
that's why we froze in time.

but for a moment,
a fleeting, shining, bursting moment in time.
he made me want to stay.
he made me want to lay
on earth.
with him.
forever.

but this is not the way of comets.
we come and we go
we shine and we glow
but we never stop.
we never halt.
we never drop.
we don't show fault.

but this man, he stopped me.
my orbit slowed
my heart showed
i stared and i lingered
i grasped for his fingers.

he dragged me down to the hell on earth
we danced and we sang and giggled with mirth.
this man and i, had this thing.
this one, special thing.

but, as the way of comets, i desired to leave
i wanted to fly, i wanted to believe
that i had a choice, i had a say
in my present and my future day.

not true, not true, not true at all
this man made me stumble, this man made me fall.
he held me down and stole my flight
i begged and i pleaded to only his delight.

i am no longer a comet, bright and flashing
i am a rock with an icy core
but a heart still dashing
evermore, evermore.

he took my sky, my light, and space
but i had my heart, just enough to save face.
i still love him to this day
i love him and i will stay.

he melted my outer layer while freezing my soul
but i am still me and i will recover in time
his wedding ring lies on the counter in a bowl
and i'm here waiting to make him mine.

september can't come a day too soon
he's cheated, he's lied his way to the moon.
but he's here now, today, this moment in time.
he's honest, he's changing, and soon he'll be mine.

i trust and i believe with every fiber of my being
that we were meant to be, just the time will be fleeting.
wrong time, wrong place
there's nothing we can do to change the ways of fate.

this is how it will be.
he will walk away and i will be free.
i can wander, i can fight, i can die.
he will live, he will work, he will lie.

some things change and others do not
i accept him as he is and love him with all i've got.
there is that one special person that you never forget
he is mine in this lifetime as she was his, which i regret.

i wish it was me. i wish he could see.
i wish i was there. i wish life was fair.
but years separate our bodies and we
will never be one even if we did so care.

wrong time, wrong place
we were never meant to be.
but i will love him and he will love me.
soon we'll separate just to save face.

time will pass and nature will weather our core
our minds will be lost and our souls set free
maybe then we can truly be. you and i, him and me.
evermore, evermore.

I think he stole my heart on the first date
I swear it was his smile, no.
It was fate.

So gentle, but a little rough
He was strong, he was cute, he was tough.
Nothing remarkable, nothing extraordinary.
Just his voice, his eyes, the way he was carried.

A gentleman to the core
I was happy ever more
At least...
Til the day he went away
Something changed and he just wouldn't stay.

I asked why
But never cried.

I accepted my fate, my burden to bear.
He never loved me, he just didn't care.

I assumed it was me; i was wrong
I was unfit, i wasn't right, i wasn't strong.

But he disappeared and i understood.
I didn't like it, and i knew i never would.

He took my heart with him on the ship
Deployment is hard enough, not a fun trip.
It's even worse knowing that he didn't give a ****.

I missed him every day.
I watched the news and i prayed.
I didn't write, i didn't call.
I poured them strong and drank em tall.

I dreamt and i slept
I drank and i wept.

The day finally came when i would give in...
I just had to write him, i had to forgive.

We were friends, we were nice
But i knew that i would pay a price.
My heart torn in two
A half here, a half with his crew.

The feelings never left
My heart never grew
I was saving for him
I was paying my due.

He finally came home eight months to the day
He packed up his things, then he moved away.
The sailor took my heart, but left it at sea.
Not a half for him, not a half for me.

Not a day goes by that i don't dream of his name.
Every day every night, i miss him and his game.
Sailor jerry his ***, sailor jerry my shame.
I never stopped drinking, i never stopped til night came.

I loved him and he cared nothing for me.
I miss him and wish i'd be free.
Nothing will change. Keep things as they are.
I'll drink to his name, I'll wish on every star.

A sailor took my heart. He took my soul.
I wish i had known it would take such a toll...

red flags waving in the wind. caution lights flashing in my head. but i can't stay away, i can't say no. i feel like i'm chasing a dragon; a dream that never was; a vision that i can see, but not feel. i don't know what i would do if i never catch it...but something about the uncertainty keeps me running at full speed.

you wanna know what i think? i think i want to have my cake and eat it, too. i think you're in for quite the let down. see, i wanna raise the bar, but this time, i'm afraid you're as high as it goes. you're perfect in every way. so i'm afraid i just can't commit. cuz after you, where do i go? surely there will be an 'after you'. i'm the type that just can't convince you to stay, but i'll be here...waiting...you're perfect and i'm a killer. remember, i break hearts like candy canes. you're the one i want, but refuse to take. you're mine, i said so. i'm not ready to settle down, but i know i am. and you're my latest victim. don't fall for these eyes. i'm a terrible liar, but i'm getting better all the time. just wait a while, see if it's true. see if what's meant to be is me and you. cuz i'm not ready to commit to anyone but the wind.

hey baby, whisper something savage.
but don't fall for these eyes; they'll be your demise.
a look can lead to so much more,
but don't get caught up in this war.
love is rough and i'm quite deadly.

i break hearts like candy canes, you ready?

you're insane to think that you're the one
i'm in high demand and on the run
excuse me for the rhymin, ***,
but i got places to be, people to see
gotta find a way to have some fun.

so i write a verse,
i say some words,
i hop in bed
mess with your head

do what i say, not as i do
a hypocrite's heart is so confused
i'll do me and you do you
babe, get a clue,
i'm into you.

i break hearts like candy canes, you ready?

i'll pull your hair and bite your lip
take off your shirt, kiss your hip
i'll jump on top and hold you down
kiss your neck and go to town.

you like it, boy?
hands there, eyes here
watch our clothes disappear.

change it up, you on top
i'm beggin now, don't you stop
scratches here, a bite there
a love that only we can share

i'll stop before it gets too graphic
can't fill your head with all this traffic
remember, though, i'm waiting on you
to make a move, give me a cue

next time we're alone, don't be so afraid
i could be the best love you ever made...

don't you leave me with those words
you have the power to change me
just like he did.
but he chose not to and so are you

and now you're left with the burden
of a love never held, a love never lost

believe me when i say you aren't my only one
you're THE only one.
can i bring you home to father?
he'll tell me, "girl, you need to stop living in the dreams of others."

i'll tell you, "boy, if this is a dream, don't ever wake me up."
what did she do to you? why are you this way?
i ask because i can offer a life she can't.
i can give you a heart unbreakable.

i can do the things she won't.
and i'll trust you if you trust me.
just tell me what you want.
tell me you dream of me when you fall asleep.
tell me that when you shut your eyes,
you see my face and hear my name.

no one's charmed me like you, king.
just don't remind me of why i hate your type.

i fall for no one but the bottle
and when i do he sings your name
you're on my mind
don't leave me behind

i never had you, i never will
but it's nice to dream
and wish upon a star
to erase your scars

(i'll kiss your wounds
and trace your pain
with my tongue)

i want to taste your soul
salty , bittersweet
the ocean forged you
and i'm drowning in it

you, son of a mermaid
don't let me die
don't make me cry
but don't you lie.

if you want nothing, let me know
if you want something, tell me now
because i'm tired of ******* things up before they start.

but this is assuming you
wrote those words for me
if not...disregard this
and keep me dreaming.

don't you dare fall in love with me
i'm not the one
i'm not yours
there's so many things i'm not

but

i am the one on your mind
i'm the one you can't forget
i'm the memory you can't supress
i'm the nightmare that wakes you up
i'm  the dream that puts you to sleep
i'm the warmth you feel from the sun
i'm the secret you can't keep; the wish you can't make

i'm the lover you forgot
i'm the girl that changed your world
i'm the fear you keep inside and the anger you yell out
i'm the one for him, but not for you
i'm the one you need, the one you hate to depend on
i'm the girl you wish i wasn't, but i am

this is me.
you know me.
but don't you dare fall in love with me.

i was walking all alone in the dark
and around about midnight on the mark
i saw a big flash and looked up ahead.
a star was shot by in the deep blackest bed.

i thought to myself, what can i wish?
what do i want? what to accomplish?
i had no idea, no desires in mind.
so i wished for happiness for me to find.

not long after, i got to thinking...
how far in this life i must have come.
from when i was child chewing my gum,
i wished for a horse from dad and mum.

and when i was teen, so young and in love,
i wished to be together forever and never apart,
til death do us part in the stars up above
did it come true?
...is the white dove blue?

i should have known
that two and half years
and far too many tears
were only a loan.

i then wished for us
together or apart,
that we should find joy deep in our hearts.

today. now. tonight.
a few minutes ago.
a new man, a new light.
a new world that i know.

i see, i have everything i need.
i want for nothing.
not a horse or steed.
not forever, indeed.

i wished for happiness.
even though,
it already has me in its grasp.
and that, was my midnite wish.

(but i can't tell you because it won't come true)

I want to thank you for all that you did.
Not for the smiles, but for the tears.
I want to thank you, God forbid,
Not for the ring, but for the fears

That you gave to me...
The dream that I thought we could be.
Thank you for the guarantee
That burned me to the third degree...

Without you, I never would have learned.
I never would have been concerned.
I never would have made the turn
To change my life towards what I yearn.

You broke me clear in two
You lied to me, sure and true
You turned my red heart blue
Where ice and strong hate grew.

You seized my innocence
With so much diligence
And so much sense
That I simply had no defense.

Years later, I've changed.
I took a risk to arrange
A life apart; a life estranged;
Alone? A tough exchange.

I was lost, but now I'm found
Away from you, homeward bound.
This newest one is surely crowned,
Not with horns, but a halo sound.

He's not like you, thank the Lord
He's honest, worthy, and so much more.

So I want to thank you.
Because you damaged my soul,
I learned to cry.
I was able to feel pain.
I was able to feel hurt.

Because you broke me,
Like the wildest mustang,
I was able to learn and grow.
I was able to love

So much more.

your breath is cold, cold, cold
but why?
aren't you human, like me?

your hands are smooth, smooth, smooth
but how?
don't you work, like me?

your heart is pure, pure, pure
but who?
who have you met that hasn't injured you?

you are an angel.
don't let me get too close.
i might get some tarnish on your halo.

(but come closer.
rub some of those sins off on me)
i'll take the blame and all the pain,
all for you, to keep your angel name.

winter is a time
of cold feet, cold shoulders,
and dormant hearts.

what are you afraid of?
you do not like paths
laced with ice?
what of the wind,
and naked tress?

dress them.
winter is a time
of cold feet, cold shoulders,
and much-dormant hearts.

how many diamonds do i have? babe, i eat them like candy. give me something that lasts forever. your undying love? no. because it's not good enough. give me memories and and battle scars. give me good times and tears. nothing more and nothing less.

so life goes on and i can go days without thinking of your name.
life goes on and i can go weeks without having a memory of you.
but remember the day we walked around the field by your house?
it was super hot, but i wanted to see the cows or bison or whatever.

also, remember the day i cried on your couch?
i bet you remember the reason, too.
i'll give you a hint: happy tears.

so life goes on and i can go months without thinking of you.
life goes on and when i do, i have conflicting views.
remember when we danced in the rain?
your mother was shocked, but thought it was cute.
i still have that picture of both of us.

also, remember when we cried in your house?
it was just us two.
i forget the reason, but it was enough to tear me up.
don't cry.

so life goes on and i can go hours without recalling your memory.
life goes on and i ask, remember how we used to hang out everyday?
we made life plans and played zelda.
what happened?

also, remember the nights we drove around for hours?
a different city every night.

so life goes on and i often forget you.
life goes on and i feel guilty.
you brought such light into my life

and i tend for remember only the darkness.
you taught me so much and i secretly thank you.
you have so much more room to grow
that's why i left, you know.
as much as i would love to, i couldn't wait for you.

remember the nights we spent at the house?
surprisingly, i do.
you were wonderful.
i know you loved me.

so life goes on and i finally recall your artwork.
life goes on and i don't remember the few times i had with you.

neither of us could drive.
remember the day you saved my life?
well, maybe not. but it felt like it.
remember when i collapsed as you were leading me?
i was scared. were you?

also, i still have a birthday card you gave me
many years ago...

so life goes on and i'm glad i'm over you.
life goes on and our time was short, but the pain was bitter.
remember when i worked at southland?
i hope you find joy in your marriage.
this is vague and that's what i want.
anonymity.

i wish peace and love come to you.
and success, as well.

so life goes on and i don't want to stop thinking about you.
life goes on and i know.
the times we had were worth any pain our relationship has or has not brought.
this goes for all.

don't tell me what happened. cuz i don't wanna know.
there's a reason the past is the past.

for you all, i'm ok.
for you all, i'm a stronger person.
i love you.
i miss you.
i wish nothing but happiness to you and yours.

i hope you get what you deserve...whatever that may be.
but who is there to judge what you deserve?

i'm just a lazy being, i guess.
i'm living life and you're living yours.
we're busy, i know.
it's ok.
life goes on; we're ok.

Winter, winter, where art thou winter?
Here you are! How I love you, so!
I hate the wind and sleet and hail,
But snow and sunshine do prevail.

You make me smile and breathe and be
I'm so glad you came for me.
Winter, winter, where art thou winter?
Why are you leaving so soon?

You were with me for a long time,
but now you must go.
I was a fool to call you mine,
Oh, how I love you so...

it's been awhile since i felt your touch
thank god i don't need it quite as much
as i seem to need
the impossibility, the instability
of the life i feed

sixty hour weeks and i feel so tired
school and work, as required
chill me out, babe
take me down, misbehave

let's go somewhere. i know this place
back in the woods, around the space
the trail runs through, me and you,
we should stay the whole night through.

don't mind the dark, it lightens up
the moon is here to brighten up
but down we'll be, beneath the trees
you and me, the modest breeze.

the temp is cool and right
the intensity of this night
is one we'll remember forever.

There's a boy I know and love.
He's near and far and kind.
He's all I've ever dreamed of.
There's a boy who's on my mind.

His eyes are a deep brounette.
His hair; a soft whisper.
I'm glad the day we met,
T'was the day my heart grew bigger.

I was alone, lost, and forlorn.
Then he came along
And without a shout or warn...
He righted all the wrongs.

He's here close by my side
Each and everyday.
I have a boy who's on my mind.
He's changed my life in every way.

Dear Uncle Lee. It's been years and years since I've seen your face.
In fact, I barely remember it. I miss you.
Why didn't I get to know you?
Why didn't you stay here?
I know it wasn't your choice to die, but it really makes me sad.
We could've had so many wonderful memories together as big, happy family.
Do you miss us down here? Cuz we sure miss you.
Do you come to visit? Cuz I feel things that seem like you.
I miss you, Uncle Lee. I wish you were here to see me grow up.
I love you, Uncle Lee. And I know Dad does, too.
Goodbye.

i don't like blue eyes on my guys
but his hold shards of beautiful ice

i don't like short hair either
but his is soft as my horse's fur

his body is smooth, but well-toned
and in the proper places

his laughter make me smile with every breath
his arms are so so strong, but the most gentle

i love his back and shoulders and neck;
as odd, as that may sound.

i love his voice and the way he talks to me
i love his legs and the way he wraps them around me

i like everything about this new kid
i hope he likes everything about me.
i hope this goes somewhere.

Your words astound me
Not what you say, but how you say them
So earnestly
So peacefully, but with confidence
I trust you

Nothing sounds as right as when you say my name
When we’re lost, but found together
We are beings of contradictions, don’t you see?
In and out all at once, but feeling and sensing atoms in the air.

When the skies come down I’ll be here for you
I’ll shield you from the pain and sacrifice myself
If only to save you. If only you.

You don't know how much you mean to me.
You are strong and I am not.

But alas, I see your weakness as I begin to strengthen.
I see your chains while my bonds are broken.

I feel your sadness and I pray to help
But what good is prayer for an agnostic?

Oh, boy. I need you every day whether we talk or not.
You keep me sane and help me to make good choices.
Although, my choices as of late have not been ideal.

People make mistakes.
Learn from mine.
Live a little
Love a little.
Relax.

Life is good.
Especially when you have a friend by your side.

I love you so much.
But I don’t know exactly who you are
A combination of all my favorite people!
Or a question of who I truly want.

Your eyes are so beautiful
Your body is perfect.
Your hair; as soft as the breeze
Your kisses relax me.

Your gentle laughter brightens my day
Your obnoxious laughter makes me giggle; I know it’s just you now.

Your arms are strong enough to hold me forever.
Your touch is gentle enough to put me to sleep.

When I hear your voice, I fall in love all over again
You don’t realize how much I need you.
I need you like a bird needs wings or a tree needs roots.
Sure, birds can walk, but it’s just not the same.
Yes, trees can lie down; but can’t you see they’re dead?

I’ll never stray from you.
I’ll stay near as long as you’ll have me.
I’ll be here as long as you need me; if you need me at all.
You, though, I feel like you don’t need me.
I feel like you need someone, but it’s not me.
I wish it could be me. I don’t know how to make that happen.

Your advice gets through to my core.
I listen, I truly do.
The sincerity in your voice astounds me
You really are a nice person; you mean no harm.

I would do anything for you.
Anything at all.
You have been with me through thick and thin no matter what.
You are my best friend.
You are my lover.
You are my therapist and my conscience.
You are my co-workers and my family.
I love you so much.

The truest love is that of an innocent heart
Now I'm older and not so pure.
It makes me sad, but we all get smart
Now I'm older and not so sure...

As time goes by I wonder if I'll love again
Now I'm older and I fear the feeling.
I see these boys and girls and men...
Now I'm older and I know I'm healing.

A glance here, a touch there, and a spark of passion
Now I'm older and I enjoy the rush.
A kiss, a hand, a leg in bitter fashion
Now I'm older and called a lush...

But are they right? 'Cause I think not
Now I'm older and know the world
But I'm still young if you forgot...
Now I'm older and still too wild.

Tame me; I dare you.

I saw a boy the other day
When our eyes met, I looked away
Is this why I’m so afraid?
I’m not ashamed of who I am
But I feel as if, you know you’re better…

I feel as if, you know I'm scared
You think it's wrong, and I agree
But you're so sweet and tall, naughty and nice
Why is it me, you must entice?

This is wrong.

I need to get out of this house
These walls, they speak your name
The floor, furniture, and all
The past is stuck in place here

When the past is so far gone
And I don’t recall it,
This place reminds me of you
The walls, the floor, the ring by my door…

i'll make it as smooth as you walk, but as crisp as the ice.
baby, i love the way you move and i think it should be noted;
if i can't have you, i want one just like it.
although, you're one of a kind.
you're not sugar coated,
but you tease my sweet tooth all the same.

desire** fuels our handsome earth
it fills our lives with love and mirth
it sets the fire in our hearths
it sets the fire within our hearts.

passion excites the body
it makes us fiery and quite naughty
although it's something we all embody
it's purely beauty and full of arts.

souls make up the ones we love
they fill the clouds and skies above
they're what we hope we're made of
but they can't be weighed with scales or charts.

heart is what we dream to hold
the power to be so strong and bold
and try our hardest to get the gold
but don't give up when it falls apart.

the world is a dark and dangerous place
be strong and try to change the pace
love a lot and show your heart
after all, where else should you start?

Why so pretty, sad girl?
Your luscious locks gently wave
Your tears are all you gave...

Why so pretty, mean girl?
Your emerald eyes stop boys in their tracks
Your anger has stabbed oh so many backs...

Why so pretty, lonely girl?
Your handsome body attracts them all
Your bitter heart is your downfall...

Why so pretty, selfish girl?
Your silky tan draws attention
Your greed is all they mention...

Why so pretty, fake girl?
Your smile brightens the day
Your two faces follow the way...

Why so pretty, when your soul is hideous?
Why so pretty, when you're so insidious?
Why so pretty, when it does you no benefit?
Why so pretty, when all you do is pout and sit?

My love, walk into the real world.
Show your "beauty" to the blind man.
See if he will take your hand...

talk to me, talk to me.
tell me your fears of love and lust.
relax and rejoice,
i sense your shattered trust.
come close my deary,
don’t be weary,
ignore the outside noise
make the best choice
and listen only to my voice

talk to me, talk to me.
tell me your fears of the dark and cold.
be calm and composed
whose hand will you hold?
who else, but me?
what else, but we?
bring forth the enclosed
heart you oppose
and make it disposed.

talk to me, talk to me.
tell me your fears.