I won't fall into the
Same habits again -
Changing my looks to
Snag a man
Or keep a man.
I won't exercise to the
Point of exhaustion.
I won't grow my hair
Or cut it to
Suit his whims.
I won't learn to cook
Fancy meals to
Trick him into thinking
I'd be a great chef.
I won't profess to loving
NASCAR
Just so he will think we
Have the same interests.

I will be myself.
I will exercise -
If I want to.
I will cut off my hair
Or dye it red
Or purple.
I will cook or dine out
When I want to.  
I will watch
Reality TV shows or
Investigation Discovery
Or shop on a
Saturday afternoon,
When I don't need
Anything.

If being me is enough
To attract a man,
That's fantastic.
If not,
Then I never really
Liked men anyway.

You’ve sat quietly
In the corner
For many years.
I’ve ignored you and
Left you all alone.
And you were once so
Special to me.
You were my best friend,
My ONLY friend.
I shared everything with you
Without speaking a word.

You never judged me
Or treated me like I was ugly
Or not good enough.
In fact, you
Responded to my touch
So beautifully that
You made me feel beautiful.
You made me feel like
I was good enough.

But here you sit,
Covered in dust.
Have you been lonely?
Have you missed me?
When I have walked
Into my parents’ house
And passed right by you,
Have you longed for me
To touch you again?

You are almost as
Old as I am,
But you still look
Just like you did back then,
Back when I was a
Lonely little girl
And you were my best friend,
The one that
Soothed my pain
And made life bearable.

You have been neglected;
No one has tuned you
Or polished you
Or given you any thought.
You are like the
Lonely little girl
I once was,
Ignored as if you
Didn’t even exist.

When making amends
To people I have hurt
I must also apologize
To you, my old friend.
Will you forgive me?
Will you let me come back
And play you again?

I don’t care if you are
Out of tune.
I will give you the
Attention you deserve
Because you were
Always there for me.
And you will be
Beautiful to my ears
No matter how
Out of tune you are.
Because you were once
My whole world,
And I owe you my life.

There once was a kitten named Ashes
Who always ate peas with molasses.
She said, "T'would be nice
If I could eat mice.
When I eat them I break out in rashes."

Good.
There seems to be
No one here
That I know.
"How many?"
"Just me."
"Only one?"
Always only one.
Led to a table
Past looks of
Curious diners.
Why is she alone?

Must order quickly,
Then check e-mails
Or at least appear to
Be occupied
Electronically.
Food arrives.
I have mastered
The art of
Eating with one hand
And reading e-mails
With the other,
To avoid looking around
While eating lunch alone.

"Would you like
Anything else?"
"Just the check
and a drink to go."
She complies,
The bill is paid,
The phone put away.
I'm out the door
And in my car
Headed back to work.
Painfully aware
That I will have
Lunch for one again
Tomorrow.

In my childhood
I felt close to both my earthly Father
and my heavenly Father.  
I felt loved by both of them.

In my adolescence
I wanted to please them both.

In my teenage years
I was angry with them both.

In my young adulthood
I ignored them both.

Now I love them both,
but don't necessarily want to spend time
with either of them.  

But if I were to lose either one of them,
I don't think I could go on living.

I love my Dad more than any human,
but I don't make an effort to spend time with him.  
I feel guilty around him.  
I'm afraid he will see right through me
and he won't love me in the same way
when I knows all the things I've done.  

Is that how I feel about God?  
I say I believe I'm forgiven,
but have I really let it go?  
If not, why not?  
I'm tired of beating this dead horse.