look for you
side                          to                           side
knowing you were never in clear  view of my perspective.
each step closer you are a step back and then you disappear
like watching a tablet dissolve in water
the tablets gone but the color of water is oh so changed
my color will always be slightly changed
you let me see through a key hole what loving you is like
but then ripped it away faster than a child's attempt to play with flames
your purpose to me stands undefined.
only  a reminder, even  with trails of my past heartaches i still
would like to love deeply like a fool
you will cboose to love less,
continue to pull the door step mats from beneath future lovers
and leave cold bare feet on the wood
my bare feet chose to walk away, but my pathetic heart is imprinted
spending days
writing an album worth of songs for you ears to never here
playing piano with one fragile hand and
grasping a mason jar overflowing with whiskey with the other.

Living among the world as though
Comfortable closure exists
Intertwined hands and soft kisses drift from present to past
Tried to blend lives in unison
Like acrylic paints forming new shades
Shades of memories exist but pushed into a storage  room
I go among my days now like how they were before
Before I found maybe the light of love
The light of something that shined so bright, I blinded my eyes and said goodbye
Being afraid of hapiness for fear of losing it
The days drift on so casually and your name is fading off my lips
Keep myself running miles in the opposite direction of where  I'll find you
Today I watched a feather fall so delicately from my pants
I knew it was from your bed sheets
the storage place in my mind unwinds

My ears pick up the sounds coming close
chugga chugga choo choo
patiently wait while excitement infects my bones
my cold squinting eyes scan the track
train is inching into sight
shaky cold legs, counting seconds till arrival
one two three four five six seconds
the train yields with screaming loudness
ears yell to hands
mittens push over ears with intent to rescue
see the conductor, let the wind push  me to the entrance
put headphones in and get lost in a world of my own
blast off, the train soars and my mind wanders
with a wandering mind I am leaning against a frosted window
                                    suddenly
my head bumps off the window and the train comes yielding
one two three four five six seconds
I feel panic shoot through my veins
we had not even reached a second stop
heads turn and questions are passed around like candy on halloween
careless and free
I see the hat of a conductor bobbling,coming closer
"a man has been killed on the tracks"
"we can no longer run this train"
one woman, " well what the hell am I supposed to do now?"
one man, " where do I go now? I have places to be."
other faces" angry and filled with eyes of annoyance"
One two three four five six seconds
people begin to put foot after foot, stomp off a train
left lost in my mind but in whole different world once again
one two three four five six seconds
Conductor: Miss are you ok?
silently I get off the train
one two three four five six seconds
life is gone
a man has perished
all aboard the train of realization
all aboard the train of ignorance
once two three four five six seconds
what has happened to the regard for human life?

Your delicacy lingers like the porcupined white rose
Grab to quick and the beauty will make elegant fingers leak rouge
The pain shoots like a gun, fast and greedy
But such a fragile reminder of what it
means to be a human
Want  to grab the beauty and sniff the petals and embrace the texture of nature
Can't forget that scent and puzzled pieced skin that layed to create what I consider a beautiful creature
pull you closer and closer the stronger the grip the more the stem of a rose will stab
A tighter  desire the deeper the cut
Fulfilling a numbness I begged to touch the beauty and intertwine you into my whirlpool of disaster
Thought that seeking beauty could cure a disease
Once again , I reached and grabbed
The white rose
It pricked pricked pricked
Not alive , not aware, I felt unpleasant pain inside the numbness
Earth quaking change pulled  me inside your disaster
When you knew I was seeking a cure to my own
Manipulating phrases and songs I didn't want to hear anymore
I see the white rose, I reach and ever so gently I reach for the stem
Put the white rose to my nose and sniff pure freedom
Glide petals against my cheek   and realize  true beauty
Without the ***** , without your unforgiving love

I became mesmorized by the water filter attached to the sink
From ***** to clean the water glides
Doing so to please each humans needs
Water the necessity, the core of living, life, existence
Filling each cup of energy
Filling each cup of life
Filter: a device to remove impurities
My mind drifted and with shaky hands I began to remember
Filter: a device to remove impurities
How similar I though how similar
Filtering , like  my speech daily ,y words altered to be clean
To build into the right sentence, the sentence that fits into a specific place  set and stone
Once it is filtered there is not return to *****
I remember as a child the day I was told to filter
The day I was told to engage myself within myself
To intertwine words in between my bones and hide them there untill they we're spell checked
to play hide and seek, more hiding than seeking
Make sure the words find approval
Ecspecially  through man, because the word man is placed in woman
But woman not in man
As a defiant child I questioned life's reasonings
A woman found me, an adult figure I clung to like the last leaves on a tree
She spoke elgant and quiet
You cannot stand alone young girl you must think before each syllable flys like birds from the cage in your mouth
Suppress your  mind disable yourself so you can exist among the superior
For generations to generations this is the curse
but such a blessing to live
We do not question humanity or the man in the w-o
You were born this way dear you cannot help whats under your skirt
I will train you to deal with the cards you have been dealt
But never speak of my teachings for out loud we are equal
I opened my ears like arms for a hug and stitched my mouth like buttons on a shirt
Ten years later I stand at my kitchen sink and I feel the words under my ribs and the sentences wrapped around my neck
I open my trap to let go of the misspelled words under my ribs
But there gone, seeking and seeking I want all my words back but they evaporated, forgotten among the earth
I take the filter and twirl it in between my fingers
Holding freedom between palms
filter: a device to remove impurities
I pour a glass of ***** water and take a sip, a gulp,
oh. the glorious tast, the glorious taste of impurity

Happiness,always reaching but barely touching
Like a  young child on tip-toes reaching to a cabinet but just touching the tip of the  mug
counting seconds till the collide of heels back to ground, defeat
Like trial and error, happiness was lurking and begging for my grasp
Searching for a grasp
I was told to find my center
But like watching a  constant swinging pendulum I could not stop
never able to stop, discover,and explore  the center
I was told happiness is not easy, not for your kind
Kind compassionate loving, why was being happy so unfulfilling
Unfulfilling, Like holding sand in your hands but it slides through those palms
Palms left empty
Emptiness, like watching  an hour glass of sand
sand finds the bottom and you see, feel, and understand half-full
Full,full, full
I found you and I found  full
fulfillment of a new kind: kind compassionate loving
Hapiness not reaching or  barely touching but grasping
Like a young child on tip-toes reaching in a cabinet for a mug and that grasp and pull
the feeling when heels kiss the wood floor; sign of relief
Like holding piles of sand and each grain is sliding through  palms
Palms no longer left  open and empty
My palms meets yours when the sand feels lost and gone  
like an hour glass perfectly timed
And placed horizontal
We create balance
Like watching a pendulum  stopped from the sway
Finding the center
Still, calm, peaceful

intertwine and window into my insight on opportunity
behold green leaves falling from branches turn to (paper)
paved buildings producing educational programming
twisting like counter clockwise drills into a ignorant skull
leading to this source of never ending deposits
reproducing then only for what can be afforded
stealing that nature from right inside my female bones
attend your designated duty or (job)- debt
will crawl under your wine colored nails and manifest until:
the prayer "my soul to take" will apply
suppress my speech, i beg; my
swaying freedom of speech is turning into a depression of alcoholic slurs
never mend your thoughts too tight, or this macrocosm seems like thoughts
are trapped in an endless revolving door
intertwine and window into my insight on opportunity
because this is what they call:
the American Dream