How could he,
he was always there when I called.
My own personal human,
and now he's gone.
I tossed him in the trash and never told him why,
I finally said I, "needed space" and then I told him goodbye.
My beauty is eternal, how could he ever say no to me?
I thought that if I stuck my hand in his fish tank,
his heart wouldn't know.

A feeble tree
white flower petals glowing in the sun
you ask if I remember
I say how could I forget
the white cloth swirls in veins of brown and grey as the pores in its face shrivel like the skin of an old man
masks are removed as true love becomes synthetic
all matter in the universe turns to flames and then ashes
the plug you pulled was the hole to my heart
as all the black milk from my soul drains i can feel an empty space
the space grows bigger as waves are created and flames engulf my pride
soon my hatred will become a singularity and i will consume the stars until nothing is left
you can only watch in tears as i unravel
standing by the shore i take one last glimpse of beauty before it gets eaten
screaming here now i am
a hollow human being

I dig through the trash for silent ideas that history has thrown away, I may look like a homeless soul that has merely wandered astray, seamlessly sad and all alone i appear lost in my mind,but i will be the one that lives when all dead stars align

Breathe in yourself and search for this. Do you know me?? Have you ever lived with me?? Does it shock you that my experience isn't the same as yours?? If it does, your very stupid. Claiming your worth over mine has been such a simple tactic for you and surprisingly choosing you as someone who wanted control I granted it. I have no self esteem and even after ascending from hell i wouldn't capture the inner consent or capacity for it. After seeing the best and the worst and knowing every relative outcome I can still find myself unwilling to leave my dark hole; yes i am very afraid still. I'm not a god. I fear the unknown and in a manner most defensive i can't stop shuddering at the idea of  non existence. BUT, that doesn't make me weak or childish. I can climb the mountain just like you have, I can do anything you can and it doesn't make a difference as long as i have the right. You feel entitled to some pretty unrealistic **** just because of your gender or your history with stupidity, almost dying doesn't make you dead given that you literally have to be brain dead. You aren't the only one who has suffered with anxiety or depression. you aren't special. I was a fool to try and treat you like you were. I don't care how much you try to defend your family given that i tried to be close with them and only to face repeating rejection, its dumb that you defend them when I walk in your home and see how you talk to them, you don't treat them with respect at all. Not too long ago i hugged your mama, i bet you haven't hugged her in so long. Don't try and project this ******* concept that I ruined your life. I did all I could to help. You blame me for your sins and try to make it look like "I made you do it." No child. You did. You claim to be a grown up but you barely even understand what that means.

I think to every moment of pointless effort I put into my existence and walk across a courtyard of darkness looking at statues of the twisted mockeries my life could have become. I need stimulus to feel happy but each time I do I become less sensitive to my reality and lose grip of who I want to be. I demonize those who show me attention, yet I seek it in the darkest places amidst my despair. My life is nothing more than a loop.

You give me many obvious reasons to want to numb my feelings. To you I'm obviously a useless human being, why the hell should I try when I don't feel appreciated. You want what you want but give me no reason to feel loved. I thought it was trust with you but apparently you lied. You are going to lose me someday and you will either miss me or find someone else to drain. Either way. It will be too late to by then.

I can't recall a time you ever were honest with me. I'm really glad that you're gone. You were a senseless pig covered in powder and glitter. I should have recognized you for what you were, a short tempered, ill witted pile of trash. You would always only speak your mind with the smallest incentive that MAYBE i had my own wishes too, even then I listened to you. For two and a half years i let you consume me and drown my will in the bile of lies you excreted. You would manipulate me to do your bidding with the empty promise that i was your best friend and soul mate. You wanted to nest in my heart you when you felt you needed it but in turn had the audacity to deny me a shred of sympathy when I clearly needed it too. I had to be patient when you WOULDN'T, I had to calm the monster when you threw your tantrums and embarrassed me in public. You taught yourself to exploit my insecurities and leave me feeling empty. When you would worry about your weight and how you looked i would constantly tell you how beautiful i thought you were, I didn't care how fat you felt I still loved you anyway. You were perfect to me... but now? That's ruined! I tried my best to be good to you and although i wasn't perfect I at least I never actually had the intention to hurt you like you wanted to hurt me. People like you make me sick, swarming like maggots to whatever stimulus you can feed on. You thrive on nothing but your cannibalistic impulses and destroy everything I find pretty. I'm glad you're gone.

My camera,  filled with flowers too shiny and cold to grasp,  the feel of a baseball bat,  sitting on canvas alongside  your brothers and friends. You ask too much of me I said,  you ask too much to be watered and bathed and fed to me intravenously.  The more pictures I take the sadder I get,  one more little flash and I think I might spit.  I leave you alone in your white box,  I hop on the road of a thousand ripped papers,  I thought it was enough to forget the bad taste,  I thought it was enough to just leave with much haste.  But no.  It's not I don't care anymore.  I'd rather be there than sitting alone,  with a camera on a chair.  I'd rather eat yards of purple raw flesh and squeeze pulp from a lung through fine mesh,  than sit one more time here with that tone and play with a button tied to a phone.  Driving alongside the repeating roadside thought I might see you,  and sitting there I thought why not see you.  I never thought it was glutton I really was eager,  to see,  and feel,  and want to be either,  at home or in love,  or one in between.  But that doesn't matter-  it's not great there.  I went alone,  with a truck full of ether and a patch on my arm where on my skin was a lever,  to crawl,  to open and see her at once,  i collapsed and saw nothing it was a dead end.  I'd still do it again,  and I don't know why.  But I can't stop.  It's deep in my thigh,  The needle of water you pumped in my vein,  to erase all my thoughts of ever escaping my brain.  Now I'm alone,  and I really won't need you.  But seeing as I do,  I might as well feed you.  Being sick, that makes you disgusting,  feeling no anger makes you worth trusting,  I hope.  I don't. Ever See.  your stupid flower. again.