How could he,
he was always there when I called.
My own personal human,
and now he's gone.
I tossed him in the trash and never told him why,
I finally said I, "needed space" and then I told him goodbye.
My beauty is eternal, how could he ever say no to me?
I thought that if I stuck my hand in his fish tank,
his heart wouldn't know.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it’s the only good fight
there is.

A feeble tree
white flower petals glowing in the sun
you ask if I remember
I say how could I forget
the white cloth swirls in veins of brown and grey as the pores in its face shrivel like the skin of an old man
masks are removed as true love becomes synthetic
all matter in the universe turns to flames and then ashes
the plug you pulled was the hole to my heart
as all the black milk from my soul drains i can feel an empty space
the space grows bigger as waves are created and flames engulf my pride
soon my hatred will become a singularity and i will consume the stars until nothing is left
you can only watch in tears as i unravel
standing by the shore i take one last glimpse of beauty before it gets eaten
screaming here now i am
a hollow human being

I dig through the trash for silent ideas that history has thrown away, I may look like a homeless soul that has merely wandered astray, seamlessly sad and all alone i appear lost in my mind,but i will be the one that lives when all dead stars align

Breathe in yourself and search for this. Do you know me?? Have you ever lived with me?? Does it shock you that my experience isn't the same as yours?? If it does, your very stupid. Claiming your worth over mine has been such a simple tactic for you and surprisingly choosing you as someone who wanted control I granted it. I have no self esteem and even after ascending from hell i wouldn't capture the inner consent or capacity for it. After seeing the best and the worst and knowing every relative outcome I can still find myself unwilling to leave my dark hole; yes i am very afraid still. I'm not a god. I fear the unknown and in a manner most defensive i can't stop shuddering at the idea of  non existence. BUT, that doesn't make me weak or childish. I can climb the mountain just like you have, I can do anything you can and it doesn't make a difference as long as i have the right. You feel entitled to some pretty unrealistic **** just because of your gender or your history with stupidity, almost dying doesn't make you dead given that you literally have to be brain dead. You aren't the only one who has suffered with anxiety or depression. you aren't special. I was a fool to try and treat you like you were. I don't care how much you try to defend your family given that i tried to be close with them and only to face repeating rejection, its dumb that you defend them when I walk in your home and see how you talk to them, you don't treat them with respect at all. Not too long ago i hugged your mama, i bet you haven't hugged her in so long. Don't try and project this ******* concept that I ruined your life. I did all I could to help. You blame me for your sins and try to make it look like "I made you do it." No child. You did. You claim to be a grown up but you barely even understand what that means.

I think to every moment of pointless effort I put into my existence and walk across a courtyard of darkness looking at statues of the twisted mockeries my life could have become. I need stimulus to feel happy but each time I do I become less sensitive to my reality and lose grip of who I want to be. I demonize those who show me attention, yet I seek it in the darkest places amidst my despair. My life is nothing more than a loop.

You give me many obvious reasons to want to numb my feelings. To you I'm obviously a useless human being, why the hell should I try when I don't feel appreciated. You want what you want but give me no reason to feel loved. I thought it was trust with you but apparently you lied. You are going to lose me someday and you will either miss me or find someone else to drain. Either way. It will be too late to by then.