I hit rock bottom
Without breaking a bone
Here I lie
So cold and alone
The climb seems too much
I want to die
But no such luck
Here I am trapped
I can’t move, I’m stuck.
I want to scream for help
But my voice has abandoned me
I feel so lost now
Am I blind? I cannot see.
Hope is gone
All that’s left is darkness
All I wanted was for the pain to end
So I could take another forward step
And finally let myself mend.

©Sebastian Gregory 2014

Some people know who they are
Without much effort or struggle
Others need to take more time
Working it out takes a while
And some people need to start over
Escape from the past and begin again
But how can you begin again
When the past somehow finds you
Over and over and over it seems
The past sets out to destroy your future
It won’t let you breathe, it won’t set you free
Be strong, turn and face it now
There’s no other possibility
Once it’s done there’s no going back
Facing the past is the only way
To get back on the right track
And to keep moving onward.
Take a deep breath and
Carry on, put your best foot forward
Don’t let the skeletons of the past
Steal the light of your future.

Standing at the station
My ticket in my hand
I don't know what I'm doing
This wasn't part of the plan
I'm taking the leap
Risking it all
Hoping with all my heart
That I won't fall
But if I do
I'll get back up
I'll dust myself off
And get on the next train
Taking that leap
All over again.

Trapped inside my own mind
So many questions with answers I may never find.
Sometimes it’s hard to breathe.
The weight crushes down on me
It threatens to break me,
My strength wanes,
Hope abandons me.

Trapped inside a prison of darkness
My true face hidden behind the mask I’m forced to wear.  
Lying to myself to keep them happy,
Year after year.
Living inside my own head
No-one can hear me shout.
I made this prison myself
Only I can break out.

Another year comes to an end.
We sit and reflect as we look back
At the fun times we had
And the times we got a little off track.
As we reminisce we remember
The friends we lost,
And the friends we found.
Silently we thank the ones who stuck around.
As the clock nears twelve
Glasses are filled,
Friends and families stand together
As the countdown begins,
Then come the chimes
And fireworks light up the skies
Hugs and kisses are exchanged
"Happy New Year" everyone cries.

Always be thankful for the little things,
Especially the ones we all take for granted.
What we have today could all be gone tomorrow.
So be grateful for every smile, even the tears too.
Tell your loved ones you love them.
Listen when they say they love you too.
Take a moment to appreciate it all.
The air in your lungs, The wind on your face.
The warmth of the summer and the cold of the Fall.
Love the things you've done well
Learn from the mistakes you made.
Live each moment to the fullest.
Because you never know when life will fade.

I remember the first time I did it.
I felt so alive, I felt so free,
Then out of the blue addiction took it's hold.
How did it happen that quickly?
I'm not sure I even know.
Before I even turned around
I'd hit rock bottom, I felt so alone.
The bullying was relentless,
physically, verbally and emotionally.
The same old story day after day.
I felt my confidence and my strength slipping away.
There was no hope, no fight,
Nothing left in me to give,
I was cold. I was numb.
Then it all changed. I started to self harm.
At first a scratch would do,
Then it wasn't enough,
It escalated from there.
Soon it wasn't just my arms,
It was anywhere I thought no-one would see.
I felt like I was in control again,
I told myself "If I can do this I can handle any pain".
My box of blades became my best friend.
The bandages hid my secrets well.
Excuse after excuse came easily,
The scars appeared where the cuts had been
No-one knew how loud I wanted to scream.
They couldn't see the hurt inside
They didn't know my soul had died
I still remember the day they were told.
I was only 14 years old.
For 2 years I'd hidden it well.
I stopped for a while,
A few weeks at least.
The bullies didn't stop
If anything it was worse
I tried to take control again,
I believed I could do it
Without causing anyone any pain.
"If I'm better at hiding it no-one will know"
But as it got worse the scars began to show.
For a time it got really bad
It was two or three times a day.
Anytime I was alone,
Whatever I had close by.
I didn't care if I lived or died.
I wasn't trying to end my life
I was simply trying to feel alive.
As the pain inside got worse
So did my addiction.
The more people hurt me
The more I'd hurt myself.
It was that way until a year ago today.
I was inspired by someone who means a lot to me.
They sent me a message that said they believe in me.
Something inside me switched that day.
I felt worthy of love, acceptance and kindness.
I felt valued and worth something in the world.
Looking back I suddenly believed it wasn't my fault,
I didn't deserve this punishment or the hurt inside.
I needed to let go of it all and let myself live my life.
That's what I've spent the past year doing,
Sometimes I am amazed I made it at all.
However I did make it,
And to anyone out there struggling
You will make it too because,
Just like someone believed in me,
I believe in you.

The nightmare has awoken,
The demons are back.
Where am I headed?
I'm on the wrong track.

Darkness looms over me,
Threatening to break me again.
I have to fight it.
I can't let it win.

The demons they are strong,
What can I do now?
I don't know how I can win,
I feel like I'm drowning.

Take a deep breath,
Take back control.
Find the fight within you,
Don't let it go.

Wipe away your tears,
Hide away your fears,
Don't let the darkness take you.
Hold on to the light,

Stand up tall and proud
Smile to yourself and say
You didn't beat me this time,
I live to fight another day.

It’s night time again.
Here I sit,
Thinking of the beginning,
The middle and the end.
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
Will I ever get there?
Then realization hits
I know why I take
The highs and the lows.
It’s the passion inside
That drives me on
I have to use my voice
In a poem or a song
To show them all
They have a place
They can belong.
I have to say these words
Hoping it can keep them strong
To give them a reason just to hold on
To show them there is love in this dark world
And so I keep going
No matter how hard
My own journey gets
There’s always work to be done
There’s no time to rest.

I'll never let you get me down,
I'll never let you break me now,
I'm standing strong today.
Never again will I run away,
I've suffered enough.
It's time to rise up.
Time to live and breathe,
To no longer hide beneath
The mask of smiles I hide behind.
It's time to forget the pain,
And learn to be myself again.

The stage is set,
Lines have been learned
Scenes have been rehearsed
Now the audience piles in
They take their seats waiting for the show to begin
Silence falls as the curtain goes up
I stand in the wings waiting for my first line
It's a great show, everything's going fine
The audience reactions come at just the right time
Standing here I think to myself and smile
I don't know the exact reason why
But being in the theater makes me feel so alive
Here is where my heart is
Here is where the magic is
The theater is my home.

There are no doors
I'll build one for myself
I can't wait around on the shelf
My hands are so sore
There is still no door
I'll keep building til it's done
For I have a feeling
The door I build
Will be my only one.

Time is always turning,
The sun in the sky is still burning,
But like everything in life,
The flowers of summer come and go.
Just like the golden leaves of Autumn
Or the crisp white winter snow.
Nothing lasts forever
Sooner or later it will all just go.

Time is always moving
It's a battle we'll always be losing
Life's too short to sit and dwell
On all the things we don't do well
The times are always changing
The summer sun will set again
The clouds will form and bring the rain
But nothing will ever last forever.