I hit rock bottom
Without breaking a bone
Here I lie
So cold and alone
The climb seems too much
I want to die
But no such luck
Here I am trapped
I can’t move, I’m stuck.
I want to scream for help
But my voice has abandoned me
I feel so lost now
Am I blind? I cannot see.
Hope is gone
All that’s left is darkness
All I wanted was for the pain to end
So I could take another forward step
And finally let myself mend.

©Sebastian Gregory 2014

Some people know who they are
Without much effort or struggle
Others need to take more time
Working it out takes a while
And some people need to start over
Escape from the past and begin again
But how can you begin again
When the past somehow finds you
Over and over and over it seems
The past sets out to destroy your future
It won’t let you breathe, it won’t set you free
Be strong, turn and face it now
There’s no other possibility
Once it’s done there’s no going back
Facing the past is the only way
To get back on the right track
And to keep moving onward.
Take a deep breath and
Carry on, put your best foot forward
Don’t let the skeletons of the past
Steal the light of your future.

Standing at the station
My ticket in my hand
I don't know what I'm doing
This wasn't part of the plan
I'm taking the leap
Risking it all
Hoping with all my heart
That I won't fall
But if I do
I'll get back up
I'll dust myself off
And get on the next train
Taking that leap
All over again.

Trapped inside my own mind
So many questions with answers I may never find.
Sometimes it’s hard to breathe.
The weight crushes down on me
It threatens to break me,
My strength wanes,
Hope abandons me.

Trapped inside a prison of darkness
My true face hidden behind the mask I’m forced to wear.  
Lying to myself to keep them happy,
Year after year.
Living inside my own head
No-one can hear me shout.
I made this prison myself
Only I can break out.

Another year comes to an end.
We sit and reflect as we look back
At the fun times we had
And the times we got a little off track.
As we reminisce we remember
The friends we lost,
And the friends we found.
Silently we thank the ones who stuck around.
As the clock nears twelve
Glasses are filled,
Friends and families stand together
As the countdown begins,
Then come the chimes
And fireworks light up the skies
Hugs and kisses are exchanged
"Happy New Year" everyone cries.

Always be thankful for the little things,
Especially the ones we all take for granted.
What we have today could all be gone tomorrow.
So be grateful for every smile, even the tears too.
Tell your loved ones you love them.
Listen when they say they love you too.
Take a moment to appreciate it all.
The air in your lungs, The wind on your face.
The warmth of the summer and the cold of the Fall.
Love the things you've done well
Learn from the mistakes you made.
Live each moment to the fullest.
Because you never know when life will fade.

I remember the first time I did it.
I felt so alive, I felt so free,
Then out of the blue addiction took it's hold.
How did it happen that quickly?
I'm not sure I even know.
Before I even turned around
I'd hit rock bottom, I felt so alone.
The bullying was relentless,
physically, verbally and emotionally.
The same old story day after day.
I felt my confidence and my strength slipping away.
There was no hope, no fight,
Nothing left in me to give,
I was cold. I was numb.
Then it all changed. I started to self harm.
At first a scratch would do,
Then it wasn't enough,
It escalated from there.
Soon it wasn't just my arms,
It was anywhere I thought no-one would see.
I felt like I was in control again,
I told myself "If I can do this I can handle any pain".
My box of blades became my best friend.
The bandages hid my secrets well.
Excuse after excuse came easily,
The scars appeared where the cuts had been
No-one knew how loud I wanted to scream.
They couldn't see the hurt inside
They didn't know my soul had died
I still remember the day they were told.
I was only 14 years old.
For 2 years I'd hidden it well.
I stopped for a while,
A few weeks at least.
The bullies didn't stop
If anything it was worse
I tried to take control again,
I believed I could do it
Without causing anyone any pain.
"If I'm better at hiding it no-one will know"
But as it got worse the scars began to show.
For a time it got really bad
It was two or three times a day.
Anytime I was alone,
Whatever I had close by.
I didn't care if I lived or died.
I wasn't trying to end my life
I was simply trying to feel alive.
As the pain inside got worse
So did my addiction.
The more people hurt me
The more I'd hurt myself.
It was that way until a year ago today.
I was inspired by someone who means a lot to me.
They sent me a message that said they believe in me.
Something inside me switched that day.
I felt worthy of love, acceptance and kindness.
I felt valued and worth something in the world.
Looking back I suddenly believed it wasn't my fault,
I didn't deserve this punishment or the hurt inside.
I needed to let go of it all and let myself live my life.
That's what I've spent the past year doing,
Sometimes I am amazed I made it at all.
However I did make it,
And to anyone out there struggling
You will make it too because,
Just like someone believed in me,
I believe in you.