I guess the only reason I never ended it
Is because I was afraid of what would happen if I failed

I thought I was happy
Thought it would be like this forever
One ounce of hope and suddenly
All my old habits
The ones everyone said were bad
Now they're in a package on my doorstep
And I'm letting them in again
But building walls is a trend now
And hiding the truth isn't lying right?
I guess I'll never mend what you broke
Even 3 years later
But the pain helps

I used to be espresso
Til you watered me down
Now I'm hardly anything
Anything at all

I didn’t eat today
I ate in the morning
But just a few bites
So I would survive the day
Without fainting
Because I had to work

I ate just now
Because my friend was skeptical
And I just wanted her
To think
That I was okay
So she wouldn’t worry

I told the only one that knows
I told him that my
Head felt dizzy
Eyes saw black spots when I stood up
Fingers and face and ankles felt numb

He told me to eat
I said I don’t want to
Then he asked me if I wanted to live
And said to eat
But I couldn’t answer
Because I’m not sure if I know

My body feels weak
But my head feels strong
Because I’m not giving in
I have control

I never thought it would be like this.
When I was little, I always imagined I would have this perfect life.
I would go off to college,
Find the man of my dreams and marry him,
Make beautiful children,
Work at the perfect job,
Come home from work,
Cook dinner with my husband,
Play the piano and drink a glass of wine.
But nothing is turning out like I imagined.
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That someday
Eating would be hard for me
That I would have to force myself
Not to give into the nausea
To just eat whatever I wanted
I would have said, “No, never, not me”
Because I thought my life would be perfect
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That one day
I would go to college
And I would let someone abuse me
Physically
Emotionally
And verbally
Someone who was supposed to love me
But who triggered my disease
Who used my vulnerability to get me to want him
Who said the right things to build me up
Only to tear my down
I would have said, “You’re crazy, that would never happen”
Because I thought I would find true love
If you had told my 10-year-old self
That I would rethink every decision I’ve made
Up to this point in my life
That I would close myself off from everyone I love
Because I’m scared I’m not good enough
I would have said, “I am good enough
Because my beauty reigns on the inside and out
And I’m a good friend
And I’m kind
And I’m gentle
And I’m worth it”
Somehow I always imagined and thought the best
And maybe that’s what I’m missing now
Hope

I can’t begin to tell you how messed up it is
How I’ve let you dictate how I perceive love
That I’ve convinced myself, no matter how
Pretty
Smart
Funny
Kind
I am
I will somehow always find the bad within the good
Because that’s what you were
So now
I consume myself with petty, childish crushes
On boys who don’t know I exist
Because at least this way, I won’t have to feel
I won’t have to open up my heart
There may not be bruises on my skin anymore
But they’re still there
On my soul
On my heart
On my perception of men
On my perception of myself
I cannot recover from the illness of you

My heart is as heavy with sorrow and regret
As your head is heavy with evil thoughts

It’s like you’re in my bloodstream
And my body is trying to detox
But it can’t get you out

Sometimes I have nightmares
About the things you would say
How you made me feel

And other times I think about
When I would say stop and you wouldn’t
And I would hold back the tears

I can’t remember why
But I didn’t think you were wrong
I thought it was my fault

Because my warped self esteem
Somehow taught me
That I deserved it all

And now I’m an anxious mess
Even though you’re gone
You’re still here

It's much easier to be okay
When the person that's always encouraged you to keep it together
Is there to keep you from falling apart

Someday is not today
But someday I will fall in love
When your hand is in mine

Someday I'll wake up next to you
I'll pull you close
And breathe you in

Someday I'll make love to you
And as our bodies entwine
You'll show me the magic in love

Someday I'll wear a white dress
And as I walk towards you
I'll smile your favorite smile

Someday I'll look into your eyes
In the faces of our children
And I'll adore them because they'll be half you

Someday is not today
But today
I look forward to someday

I am in love
With the smell of your skin
In the morning
Buried under blankets
Kissing your lips
Breathing you in

He made my heart
Turn into stone
You chipped away the bitterness
And made me warm again

I used to hate
When the sun rose
But now I love the morning
When I wake up next to you

Holding hands
Was far too much work
But you entwine your fingers with mine
Without a second thought

When you press your lips against mine
The passion exclaims such intensity
That I fear for a moment
You think this kiss may be our last

But the kissing never ends
And I feel as if I could stay
As if these moments could last
And I want them to

You create a happiness within me
That’s always in the corner of my mind
My head and my heart are in agreement
For once, I know what I want

As if my organs’ vitality depended on it
I will keep you
Whatever it takes
Because you’re who I want

At the end of the day
When the sun sets
If I am not with you
Part of me is missing

When I was with him
I was dark and twisty
When I am with you
The world is light and pure

The difference is you
Your gentle love has changed me
Because of you
I am who I want to be

I read everything you write
I am your biggest fan
And one day you’ll forget me
But until then
You'll reside in that same little corner in my mind

It’s hard not knowing what you’re doing
We never talked every day
But we could have
Just knowing that I can’t call you when I need you
That’s the hardest part

You never know what you have until it’s gone
I never understood that phrase until now
Because you’re gone, temporarily, but you are
And it’s hard to function without you

I’m going through rough things
And since I was just an adolescent
You’ve been there
We grew up together
And now I have to do this alone

You’d be proud of me, I think
I’ve stayed strong, stayed golden
I promised you that I would
And I’d like to think I’m doing my best

I miss hearing your voice
I miss the occasional “thinking of you” text
I miss reading what you write
Because I’ve read it all
I’m your biggest fan

I hope you’re still writing out there
Because I know that’s what you were made for
You’re going to do great things
And this is just the first step

So even though I miss you
I know that you’re doing what’s right
I hope you’re staying golden too
Because you deserve the best

I’ll never forget you
I’ll always be here
I’m your biggest fan

Redness creeps onto my cheeks
Liquid salt forms in my eyes
Causing my vision to blur

Childlike sounds escape my mouth
And I can't stop them
Because it's become too much

You knock on my door and ask what's wrong
But you don't know
I'm crying because of you

You can't get away with treating people like this
He doesn't deserve this
He deserves better than you

"Be still," I tell my heart
Though I know it will not
For you give my heart wings
And with your presence
It flutters
Like a butterfly
On a warm spring day

My head lays on your chest
Listening to the rhythmic beat of your heart
My eyes are stuck on you
And ignoring the movie on the TV in front of us
Because when you’re in the room
Nothing else exists

Catching my stare
You smile at me
Your fingers grasp the emptiness between mine
You pull me closer
Until we’re embracing
You whisper instead of speaking aloud
Fearing that the meaning behind your words
Will get lost in the sound

No words I speak can do my feelings justice
For it’s nearly impossible to describe this love
But you understand
Because you feel it too
Nobody has ever loved anyone like I love you

Family
A loose term

You might picture a group of people
They look similar
Seem to get along
Eating dinner together
Making small talk

You might picture a group of people
Taking pictures together
Laughing and waiting in line
At a theme park
On vacation

But I picture a group of people
Husband and wife disobeying their vows
Fighting
Tearing the “family” apart

I picture a group of people
Hiding in their separate rooms
Dysfunctional
Mother crying
Father ignoring the world
Delving into the world of football
Or movies
Anything but here
Eldest son gone, he escaped
Youngest son hiding in a cave
His only concern winning a violent game

And me
Trying to make something beautiful
Out of the mess this has become
Trying to make it out alive
Before I can escape too

I like to keep you with me
In the corner of my mind
A little voice inside my head
Telling me good things when bad things happen
Helping me make right out of things that go wrong

It’s been like this for a while
I’ve been empty like this for a while
At least when it comes to you
Because it’s hard to fill the void
Of someone who will never return

And you, I’m afraid, are gone
Not by choice either
By a disease that I will forever hate
Because it took you away from me

You could have taught me so many things
And maybe if you were here
I wouldn’t have doubted God for so long
Because he took you away from me too

When I wasn’t sure how to pray
I talked to you
I cried to you
And you could never console me
Because you’re gone now

I was fragmented, abandoned, alone
Until I found you again
I lost you; I left you
In hopes of forgetting and moving on
But you can’t move on from someone who changed your life

And so now, I like to keep a little piece of you with me
Not your picture on my dresser
Not your hat I keep in my closet
Not the bear I named after you
Who I finally outgrew clutching in my sleep every night
Crying, wondering when everything would be okay

Because it’s okay now
I’ve remembered you
And I keep a little piece of you with me now

I found the perfect pair of blue jeans once
I was 12 years old
They hugged my adolescent body
Until I was 13 and a half
And my body started to change

Tiny layers of fat creeped up on me
Laying on my thighs and my bottom and my hips
Making my body into a woman’s

You see, I am cursed with curves and tiny ankles
While my thighs and my bottom and my hips changed
My ankles remained the same

Petite
Frail
Bony

It has become impossible to find
The perfect pair of blue jeans

I would come close
Hugging my hips with grace
Encasing my thighs with elegance
Even closing to embrace my calves
The denim fabric reached my ankles
And became baggy, oversized

I gave up
I bought three pairs of the same style that almost fit
Until yesterday

I came upon a coupon
And so I went shopping
In an unfamiliar store
And I tried on a pair of blue jeans

They hugged my hips with grace
They encased my thighs with elegance
They closed to embrace my calves
And when the denim fabric came to an end
And the final stitches held the jeans together
My ankles were not drowned in thick denim

They were petite
Frail
Bony
But they had found the perfect pair of blue jeans

My favorite memories are here, with you
Riding in your car
One hand on the steering wheel, the other in mine
One eye staring at the road to keep us safe
The other can’t resist looking back at me
With love

Your voice sings loud enough to cover the radio
Notes above and below pitch
I’m a critic, but I don’t mind
Because you’re mine
You’re all I need

Consistent trips to an overpriced coffee shop
Caffeine runs through our veins
Caffeine mixed with a four letter word
One that drove our actions, our words, our hearts
When we were still too afraid to say it

I first told you here, where my favorite memories are
Because it is one
Though it isn’t perfect and romantic as I’d hoped
It’s our memory all the same
When my fear of that same four letter word was lost
And my fear of losing you replaced it
I had to tell you

I sat there quiet, refusing to look at you
And when I did
I just couldn’t help myself
Whispering softly I said it
And my whole world changed

Suddenly it was different
Love existed because you and I existed
And in the midst of fooling around
In an empty parking lot
In your car with the radio off
I told you I love you

I feared the worst in that moment
Until you tilted my head up
So that my eyes would meet yours
And you smiled
And before you said it, your eyes did
And I knew you loved me
And then you said it
Pure bliss

I never knew such a feeling existed
It was different than I’d imagined
Better
It gets better every day
Because each morning I wake up
I look at the picture frame on my nightstand
The two of us staring into each other’s eyes
With love

Each morning I wake up
I fall deeper in love with you than the day before
Cliché I suppose
But with love
All the clichés begin to come true

There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do
To make you happy
To see you smile
To hear you laugh
To feel your lips softly caress mine

With love

I never believed in love
It was fiction
Because it only existed in fiction

My parents were great parents
But that’s all they were
The hollow title of husband and wife
They were parents
They were not lovers

My grandparents were different
They held hands often
He held the door for her
She laughed at his jokes

But they fell in love ages ago
Before society was corrupt
When chivalry existed
Doors were held
Hands were held
Hearts were held

Now doors are slammed
Hands are clasped tight in each other
Praying for a miracle
Hearts are broken

Until you, who held the door
My miracle
Prayers suddenly answered
Mending my broken heart

I believe in love
It is real
Because it exists in me and you