hold it back hold it back for moment
quite frankly, I don't know where I'm goin'
honin skills just for the moment
this **** is drainin my life and im broken

maybe i dont need them to be happy
might just do it for clout if you ask me
but can't say that it's blasphemy
but it's a blast for you,
and that's prolly why im always feelin' ******

sittin' in a chair, 4 a.m. and im frozen
lamp light off I just be knowin that you're hoein'
sounds at the door, waitin to be open
pounds on my heart, weight me down, no wonder i aint growin

it's like im fallin over digs but i aint volley
yeah I met a couple chicks but you didnt call me
you set yourself up, kamikaze
why'd let myself become this softly

So i, swing open the door, wind blows and a car hits it
don't know what to do, gotta be at work in ten minutes
Barely numb to the events, God really pushing my limits
Or it's the devil tryin me, with his ******' gimmicks

i dont know why you love me, you're barely even cupid
i dont know why you hate me, you're dreams are hardly lucid
I don't know why you **** me, your feelings are too fluid
I dont know why I stay, i just know that I'm too stupid

I be talking to myself
and no *****... I don't need no help

I be talking to myself
Asking if I should really order that wine
That I tasted one time

****** Chocolate on my palate
21 in New Orleans
Nostalgia says I gotta have it

I remember it being the 1st red that I fancied
I was looking for ButTer
But this went down so smooth

Just like me
when I be dancing with myself
in my living room
and singing to myself
and being with myself

I used to talk to my friends but now they drunks
I used to talk to men but they always want some
I used to talk to my family but Ion really like them

So I talk to myself about loneliness vs aloneness
We talk about men and they hoein'
I talk bout my family and realize that alot of em aint growin...and then some trauma started showin'

This morning I was in the shower talking to myself...and a memory came to my mind.
Ask me about my childhood and I'd say it was perfectly fine. Not knowing my truth was a lie.
I realized I was touched when I was younger.
It neva clicked, not even when Dr's asked me if I had been.
I didn't know I had been had. It just happened then I forgot. The #MeToo movement neva resonated. Neva thought too much about those distant days. This mourning I was at a loss for words when the veil was lifted. I wasn't angry, it just all made sense.

Cause I saw him last year and had him babysit. I came in late that night, drunk and high. Laid with my son, next to him. Then suddenly I feel his hand in my pants, even then I didn't remember the past. I woke up and thought it was my lover's hand until I saw the room I was in. The room of my brother, my son's uncle, my kin.