And after all,
After all what we went through,
After all the love we have had,
After all the pain we have got,
You left, I got depressed,
After all the fight I have made to get you back,
After all the tries I have made,
Now, today, this moment,
I found out the hidden,
I found out what has never been clear,
I found out the lie I believed.
It was never love,
It was just a joke that I believed,
I have never loved you,
Or became happy beside you,
It's just the appearance of you,
What I got addicted to,
It has been just a stupid lie and I was just a fool kid.

I can hear the fear inside me,
I want you but I can't do it again
Trying to give my heart what it wants,
But I can't break it again
I'm afraid
Afraid to do it
Afraid to let it touches it
Afraid if it touched it, it will realize it doesn't last
I have done it a lot,
But I keep doing it
And I keep breaking my small heart.
I crave what it wants
Till I reach it
I reach it and it suddenly disappears.
What can I tell this little heart?
How can I teach it?
How to tell it its life? And I have to move on?
And when I finally found a lie to say
You came out of nowhere.
I thought you're the one who could alive it again
But.. you disappeared.. too..
What do you want me to say?
Do I have to start teaching it the same?
Or should I just lie again?

At the end of this day,
This long day,
The day we were waiting for.. since forever
After the day I spent with you,
While you're spending it with someone else..
A long tiring day..
A day full of self calming downs..
Calming downs..
To make it one of the best
To call it a well spent one..
A day that we will keep remembering
Keep wishing it back
After a long day like this,
All I got is.. A fed up soul.

After a long night last thursday
With my limbs touching the water of the salty sea
My body lying on the wetty softy sand
Hearing nothing just the waves and your voice
Spending hours hearing that mixture
Your voice and the waves
Or to be more realistic
The singer and the song
After that night, that long night
I started feeling you everywhere
I felt you beside my brain going down to my heart
I felt you racing my red blood
Running between my small parts
I felt you standing there inside my mind
Checking on every thought and fixing what you didn't like
I felt you in my eyes, in my ears
I felt you and felt you and felt you
Until I started feeling nothing other than you

After a long perfect night last thursday
I knew that you owned even the breath out of me.

I'm sorry,
I know it's never enough
I know I hurt you
I lied
I'm sorry,
Hurting you hurts me
Loosing you was my fear
I'm sorry,
I lied to protect us
To keep what between us
I'm sorry,
I lied because I didn't wanna see you being hurt
Because I didn't want you to be shocked
I'm sorry,
For me being selfish
For me caring only about what I want
I'm sorry,
I tried to save us
By doing the opposite..

I'm catching it.
Here I am,
It's been awhile, a long while
Since I saw the beauty of living
Since I saw the sun shining
The moon glowing
And the stars blinking
Here I am,
Standing again,
Like a new born baby
Who just learned how to stand
Here I am,
Running and shouting
Like a disabled person who just moved his hand
Here I am,
Finding the beauty of life
Like a blind person who saw the world for the first time.

In a dark box begging for oxygen
thinking of nothing other than freedom
There alone with a crying lady and a quiet one
Feeling so cold
Effected by the terror I assumed
Looking at the small holes
Hoping for a sign
A man to open this door
Screaming at my face while I'm stealing some oxygen
Or a car
A car to take me home
Although it gonna be my father's
Screaming again while I'm wishing for a bed
But no nothing of that..
Stayed for almost four hours doing the same
But not getting any..
I got nothing to do just to think whose fault is that..
I said it's mine,
But then after I imagined the same seen in another country
Any other one..
After imagining that seen in any other community..
Any other one..
It's not my fault anymore, it's the community's
But then my father disagreed..
No wonder..
He's a part of it, I'm a part of it..
Not trying to make it long,
it's my fault after all..

Closing my eyes to forget
Closing it to ignore
I'm closing my eyes
To make some self peace
To make it easier
I'm closing it to be unable to see
To be unable to remember the words
To be unable to read what killed me once
Closing it to have a way to get you back
Closing it to stop thinking about the past
Closing it for my own self for my own health
Or maybe I'm just closing it because it's the only way to see you..

Our last place, last hope
She left our last one
The one we both were ignoring, to see each other
I'm hurting, and she's as well
She left it
She wasn't strong enough to see me laughing without her
She left and acted cold
She doesn't care she said
Girl it isn't you or me who decide
It's the red heart what's inside
I almost believed
Almost believed if I couldn't see it through your eyes
But I still don't understand
Our hearts beat each others name
Our eyes are tearing the pain
Why are we doing such a lame?
We're dying, dying to be each others main
Why can't we just be?
Why is it so hard to do?
Anyway,
Who cares..
Even she, she left..

A whole new life we're going to start we said
We start living a new good one at first
Second and third..
But slowly we find ourselves back to who we are
To what we do
And how we think..
And slowly we find ourselves back to the same dark room
Thinking about the same black thoughts
With the same people we said we'll never think about
It's sad, isn't it?
How the same cage can bring us back to it
Put us and lock us again
Spending days and days finding an escape
But all we need is another more few days to get us back to it..

Watching her sitting on the edge of that rooftop,
Two inches to fall, or maybe to fly
Enjoying the fresh cold air there
Moving towards her, getting near,
Reached her screaming face
She was too afraid of fall
Very near, my frozen hands escaped to her back,
Seeking warmth I said, but nothing just to pull her even closer
Asking for her pleasure
Wanting to kiss her, her lips
Slowly leaned in to get a moment of magic,
A moment of her.
And that's how I ended and stared my year.

Is it this kind of me again?
The one isn't getting enough..
Getting everything and still not?
Skips sleep only to continue
Sleeps only to wake up
Wakes up only to reach your part..
And still not enough?
Is it this kind of me again?
The one wants your all
Dreams to reach your reality
Imagines to steal you from the truth
Is it this kind?
The one who lives only to see you?

She was the last perfect thing I ended my month with
And she was the first perfect thing I started the next with
I'm kind of afraid, afraid that I'll see nothing perfect anymore
Don't blame me,
Don't blame, you never looked into her sparkling eyes, heard her voice or felt her soft hards..
Never felt her indescribable hug, never touched her skin, never taste her eatable lips..
Don't blame me,
How can I like a smell that isn't hers,
How can I enjoy a laugh..
Or stare at someone..
That isn't her,
How can I, how can I like a girl after her.

Don't ask how am I after leaving me for months.. don't ask me..
You have left.. But left with a soul of mine..
Don't ask me how am I, while you're holding the soul which made me alive..
And by asking me how, you think I'm still alive?
You think that I can live a life without a soul?
Don't ask me.. Im the one who should ask..
How's my soul? Is it living a life without a body?
Is it living? or just spent the rest of it staring at you?

Day after day
Night after another
Still ourselves
Lots of lost thoughts, of lost energy
Nothing..
Nothing is changing
Not getting better
Days are passing
Dreams are still in it cages
Waiting for nothing
Just a consent
An accepter of who we are
A believer of our working brains
A lawyer to free our screaming dreams

Just a place
Where it's not illegal to talk your mind

She left and it was hard.
Or maybe I left but it was still hard..
Let's say they left, our bodies.
My soul didn't yet
my soul is still there
There where my heart stayed.
She left,
But happily I can still feel her,
Smell her
And touch what she once touched
I'm wearing that necklace which isn't like others
I'm wearing her necklace that she once wore
Everytime I look at it I see her
A part of her
That I will never take off.
Hugging her favorite doll
I feel her I feel her appearance with hugging it.
I can't wait until I wear her hoodie
I can't wait to feel myself inside her
She left, I left, we left
But not like any other time before
I left without myself, my soul or my heart.
I left with only a self that switched to be her.

Don't come back again
Here's the truth
I got attached to you for a reason
I needed someone at that time
When I entered a new life
When I forced to get new people
When I had to accept the changes
When I had to live in the new place
I needed someone at that time
When I had to face everything alone
When I had to make serious choices
When it was hard to be alone
I needed someone at that time
When I got attached to you
But it's not what I thought
The reason, it wasn't you
I needed someone
So that's why I let you in easily
And I got attached
I needed anyone
So it wasn't just because it's you
I was fooled when I thought it was love
I needed someone who's anyone
It's not the person who you are
but the time when you came in
And also, you left at a time
When I still thought I'm in love you
But after facing the life after you
I found out that the real reason
Which made you everything in my life isn't here anymore
I found out that now I created a new life
I got a new social life
Got used to the place
And already made my choices
Now after that period of time
I do not need you
The reason isn't here anymore
And you left at a perfect time.
Don't come back again.

On the last few months, I took time experience how to completely feel a feeling
To focus on it,
To enjoy it clearly, with all it can give and all I can get
Then,
On the last few weeks, you came in a form of human and I kept you the way I saw it, a human
Then, suddenly,
You, the one I thought it was just a human, transformed to a feel..
I know exactly what a feel feels like, it's what I've been taught
You became a feel a good one..
I felt it, enjoyed it and got all it gave
Then, suddenly,
It started to be more than that,
It started to be a kind of feel, which is part of every feeling I feel..
I wonder of the next..

A whole new life we're going to start we said
We start living a new good one at first
Second and third..
But slowly you find yourself back to who you are
To what you do
And how you think..
And slowly you find yourself back to the same dark room
Thinking about the same black thoughts
With the same people you said you will never think about
It's sad, isn't it?
How the same cage can bring you back to it
Put you and lock you again
Spending days and days finding an escape
But all you need is another more few days to get you back to it..