send a search party to find
reasoning for my existence.

when i'm sitting in a cheap plastic chair, trying to
explain to the doctor how bad the pain feels on a
scale of one through ten, i will tell him that it is a
nine. i have experienced what a ten feels like.
1. ten is when you told me to *******, to go ahead
and **** myself because nobody could miss me.
2. ten is having someone you love convince you
that you are only a hurricane, tearing everything
down into rubble and obliterating everything.
3. ten is believing that i am a hurricane, i am a
tsunami, i am a wildfire, i am a natural disaster
4. ten is seeing a part of you in every part of my
small society. you are an omnipresent spirit that
tends to enjoy haunting my nightmares.
5. ten is seeing you happy without me.
and the worst part is, doctors are only able to do
so much right now. all they can do is numb me
out with percocet and hear me talk about how
i miss the way you smiled because of me and
how i don't do enough to make you happy.

- kra

9.27.13: like lightning, i am stricken by fear of
the unknown. i remember feeling my legs burn
from running so hard away from you. i expected
you to walk into my arms and tell me how you
are so excited to finally meet me. it didn't happen.
12.21.13: the smell of you inflamed my blood, and
i smelled your skin days afterward. i remember how
stunned i was when i finally seen you face to face.
did you notice how nervewrecking and surreal it was
or did you just want an excuse to throw me aside?
2.21.14: the adrenaline numbed out the pain i got
from falling into the cactus and gravel, and i wish
i didn't run from you that day. maybe everything
could've been different. after punishing myself
by clawing at my skin until my legs were red, i
felt that same adrenaline inside of myself.
3.14.14: that day alone was the first day i recieved
solace, but i noticed i never got it in full. i decided
to build up walls while anxiety helped block out
the part of me that still remotely cares about you.
i can't even trust anybody anymore. that's sad.
3.18.14: my boyfriend told me you asked about
me when i left without telling anybody about
it. you heard right, i puked and cried over porcelain
because i felt so uninvited. you didn't look my way
once. you saw me as another cactus, another tree,
another tumbleweed. i know you didn't want me
there, you wanted to be with my boyfriend.
3.19.14: my boyfriend told me to talk to you, that
you've changed now, but i haven't had you fight
for me yet. you bothered him for days about being
friends again. how should i know you want to be
friends with me again? maybe i want you to fight
for me first until i succumb back to you again. my
anxiety won't even let myself get near you again.
you fought for my boyfriend even when he ignored
you, and i know that's not something you'd do for
me. i want that ******* solace from you already.
3.22.14: i don't even want to see you this time around
until i receive closure and answers to know how you
really see me. i am tired of fighting for you and getting
nothing back. i am done fighting for something that
doesn't even want my friendship. i will always have
a piece of you in my heart. i'm so sorry for everything.
3.29.14: i can't tell if i'm the accomplice of the crime or
the victim anymore. i seen this coming from a mile away.
i wish you would see the imperfections in people.
4.20.14: GET OUT OF MY LIFE. GET OUT OF MY LIFE.
YOU HAVE ALREADY TURNED ME INTO A MONSTER.
IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER, *******. YOU COMPLETELY
TORE THE VITAL COMPONENTS OUT OF ME. *******.
6.8.14: between you and me, i promised everyone a lie, that i
would stop running towards you and start running away.
seems like you were too afraid to raise your voice to us.
WE CANNOT IGNORE THE PAST FIVE YEARS.
7.17.14: today, you added me. i'm not sure if it was out
of respect or out of spite. you deliberately plan on bothering
me when my heart is in it's weakest state. i'm just hoping the
third time's the charm or the three strikes will rid of you forever.
7.21.14: my body is trembling underneath the weight of fear but
something is telling me it's going to be okay. i can't accept it.
you spoke to me for the first time after a few months. i missed
your voice and the way it said my name so casually when my
voice trembles when i speak about you.
7.22.14: i'm not sure if i can do this anymore. i don't know how
you feel about me and you claim it's okay but it isn't. i cannot
help you anymore. i'm not able to be there for you anymore.
this pain of not being able to help you is completely unbearable.
9.14.14: it's been around two months since i last really thought
about you. if i have, it's been unconscious slivers, unconscious
mentions, unconscious dreams. this time, they faded out.
this time, it got easier to cope without you. this time,
this is the ending of that painful chapter.
10.5.14: maybe if we met under a different
circumstance, i wouldn't be asking your
friends for advice since i can't follow my own
i miss you and i always will most likely
11.7.14: these legs they tremble when you
open your arms and let me in like an old
friend this body is not used to you yet
11.10.14: "you know who my best friend
is?" i said in a joking manner. as easily
as i said that, i heard you say, "me."
my body stopped in time, it warped back
to the times we were happy, where we
were best friends telling each other secrets
and keeping each other in our good dreams
and preventing from being in each other's
bad dreams. as much as i'd like to admit
that there is something there, i couldn't
lie to myself about what we are. there was
nothing i could do to take back the no that
spilled from my mouth and *******, it
hurts sometimes having a back burner
stance, being a mere shadow to you feels
like i'm kissing my fear goodnight
11.16.14: i told you to put your sheath
down, that this heart-to-heart wasn't
going to **** us, but it was to create
us. words of poetry spilled from my
lips and my eyes and you cleaned
it up. imagine that a few months
ago. i destroyed the dragon, and
may have saved the maiden for good.
11.27.14: giving up on you became an
option but now it's not. you are now a
password i can't decrypt. you are a birth
mark that i want to scrape off but can't.
it's like i already know that feeling is
back of doubt and i fear if you end up
confessing he will still want you around.
i will have to put up with it even on my
worst days and let's hope i can do it.
11.28.14: i haven't pulled an all nighter
in awhile but my god when you snore
softly beside me, i am suffocated with
sadness. my engine is running on low
but it is struggling to stay strong.
1.6.15: i am the epitome of a pause screen
or a riverbed that dried up. letting you
consume me was the silliest idea i could
muster after all of this waiting on the side
of the road, hoping you would give me gas.
1.7.15: i hope to leave you back in 2014 where
you belong, because there is no room in this
chest for you. i can be happy without you.
don't you dare get close to me again.
2.2.15: today is your birthday.....happy birthday
since saying it on your wall is improper for how
we are right now. it reminds me of old times,
when you wished me a happy birthday and
two days later, dropped me from existence.
4.26.15: isn't it funny how today, of all days, my
******* birthday, i end up finding out the truth
behind why you isolated nathan. IT'S PRETTY
******* FUNNY HEARING I'M ANNOYING
FROM YOU, YOU ******* *****. GO DIE.
and i hope you succumb to the scars i left on you.
6.5.15: FINALLY. YOU SEE EXACTLY HOW I FEEL.
I HOPE YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE,
BECAUSE AS A PEACEKEEPER, YOU COULDN'T
EVEN KEEP THE PEACE BETWEEN US. HOW SAD.
12.5.15: six months pass, my mind is on the sun and
you are the moon. there must have been a solar eclipse
event i wasn't prepared for, because that's a sign the
world is ending, and god, is my world falling apart.
6.27.16: six months pass, and my mind is set on a girl
but it's not you anymore. this was my rare blue moon
event in my life, and you didn't even give me three percent
of the full security which what she has given me.

- kra

you birthed this friendship,
and this is our inevitable destruction.

- kra

1.  you are not shrapnel from a car crash. you are not
   your own destruction. you will be born again.
   2. this is an endless labyrinth of running into walls
    and thinking i know the way, when i have no clue
    what i'm getting into and where i am going.
    3. don't compare me to a meteor - slowly drifting
    away from everything you have ever known about
   me - because i am the same person. you changed.
   4. if your mirror is showing you a monster, you
   need to find any way to break that mirror.
   5. i never understood nirvana until you came into my life,
    yet i've never understood hell's scorch until you
    blatantly left without a proper goodbye.
    6. i will unleash the worst types of hell onto you.
    7. the only difference between fractals and the way
    you treat people is that you are no snowflake.
    8. if you were a mailbox, i would take out all of the
    flowers and constant reminders that i love you.
    9. i'm having problems eating. it's a constant reminder
    of how you told me about your favorite cereal is now a
    cereal i don't have the stomach to bring to my mouth.
   10. don't get yourself tangled in knots you cannot undo
    because you will be stuck trying to untie the knots by
    yourself.

    - kra