you teach me on a daily basis
that i do not have to chase perfection
to the corners of existence
to the places where reality and dreams mix and mingle
and that beauty is present
even where the mirror on the back of my door cannot show it
you laugh when i criticize myself
because you do not understand where i derive these insecurities from
you simply say,
"but you're beautiful"
and i offer a small smile in return
that stare of yours pierces me to the very core
drags me by the forearm, dances me around, and devours me whole
all i can see are your hands and i find myself retracing the paths they have taken across my skin
and im grazing my own lips, trying to recount every single time they've come in contact with yours
you may not explicitly create a sense of self-worth
inside my twisted little head
but you remind me with every passing day
that i can find it somewhere deep inside myself
and so i do

it's a game of cat and mouse we play without any reservation at all
we always had nothing more than the space between us, so small
our shared breath on the frigid air spoke dreams we'll take to the grave
i so desperately wish i could for once be even a little brave
when i glanced your way i could see your disappointment in me
the armrest we shared that morning was a battlefront only we could see
i sailed a beautiful sea of blue for months in fear of freezing to death
but your arms kept me safe and every time I held my breath

take a deep breath and swallow the lump that's found home in my throat
and eventually i'll probably come to peace with the words I wrote
all those years ago

what do I do with all these memories?
one day i'll be able to set them free
oh won't you come swim away with me
for you it's way too easy

the night i chased you down forbidden corridors is burned inside
with all the rooms they should of locked where we tried to hide
i still remember the way you fell asleep in the backseat
it was just you and i, and the lights reflected on concrete
everything just feels so melancholy tonight
especially the reminder of you in my life

take a deep breath and swallow the lump that's found home in my throat
and eventually i'll probably come to peace with the words I wrote
all those years ago

what do I do with all these memories?
one day i'll be able to set them free
oh won't you come swim away with me
for you it's way too easy

there was once a crooked smile that kept me alive
and i used to adore two shining blue eyes
it was never to be
you wouldn't float away with me

what do I do with all these memories?
one day i'll be able to set them free
oh won't you come swim away with me
for you it's way too easy

i will gladly give you every word I wrote
all those years ago.

please take me away, or let me be
should i truly be asking for a release
from someone who can look in my eyes
and see the stress i'm holding in
oh my take it away please
im begging you to rescue me

and i know its a bad decision
the sight of a smile i shouldnt crave
what are you doing to me
take your eyes off me but wait
i really cant make up my mind
but it's already been made
so i'll sever our touch
although im not sure its what i want

take yourself away
my dreams are not a place for you
jealousy is a cruel mistress
im searching for answers
but i already know where i stand
i cant shake the feeling when you take my hand
it's shameful i even know that rush
sit here recalling the moments of touch
between you and i
broken worlds collide
i see you and i beg you take me away

what should be a nightmare
i find desperate longing
and the gap of time is prolonging
and creating daydreams
that a girl should never see
not a girl with ties like me

what the hell are we thinking
i know i'm watching it sinking
my heart drops to the catacombs below
a tomb for the wicked and restless soul
the soul inside my pathetic chest
hidden by a hand you should take from my neck

just take it away
you'll realize it'll collapse someday
is that what i truly desire please tell me how i feel
i can't be trusted to make that up for myself

i know that we shared those scars
that hour that seems to be only ours
comprehension mixed with apprehension
and a touch of alcohol we alluded to
i can feel the flush of my cheeks
and the breath i forgot to take
oh please take it away

proximity, it means nothing to me
on a wednesday or a sunday it doesn't mean a thing
that red on my face it doesn't mean a thing
not a **** thing to me

as the gray scale pictures appeared
i saw you bring yourself near
and the blackness so well hid your face
even with the red lights filling the space
you were in the back corner i was across the way
making masterpieces after every mundane day
with my hair in a braid clipped up on my head
and your hands in your pockets when you scared me to death
all those photos of yours, like the trigger of a gun
i held my arms wide and smiled with the sun

now you wont even hold my blank canvas eyes
and yours smile to me on the stairs every time
but you wont say a word nor make a sound
you won't even blink while my soul hits the ground
i guess all the chemicals made me insane
and my dream didn't help, you pressed to my face
in a blue plaid shirt, i see you across the room
i guess i was the only one to feel the fumes
but somehow i know that's not true

there were the days of just you and i
and the world around us-where are the lights?
i remember awaiting my pride to take form
and trying too hard and feeling so torn
and holding so tightly to the print you made
for no real reason besides the look you gave
showing off to you for no purpose at all
i know it meant nothing, just a cushioned fall

now you wont even hold my blank canvas eyes
you know yours strung me in a web of lies
you walk away when my skeleton comes around
do you see this smile? it's sinking to the ground
i guess all the negatives inverted my view
and this nightmare rewired the image of you
in a blue plaid shirt, you wore it yesterday
i guess i was the only one to see it that way
but somehow i wanted it to fade

how could you look in my eyes
and know about the scars i despise
how could you see into my heart
when i never saw you coming from the start
how could you sever that broken touch
without even asking me what i want

but today you looked into these blank canvas eyes
and yours, hidden by glass, were the first to shine
and you quoted a movie and laughed with me
and pulled me towards you, my smile you didn't see
i guess your arms are strong as the walls
the hidden room that was home to it all
in a blue plaid shirt, i see you across the room
but i still won't admit that i felt those fumes
even though you know the sad truth

when i look into this girl's eyes
i see a reflection of myself
she just wants to be happy
but some days she would rather not wake up
she thinks she causes the problems
that rip her family apart
and she just wants to be strong like her mother
the woman that is the rock she wishes she could be
she lets the words of others resonate in her head
and haunt her dreams
she thinks she's a *****
because she was 16 and let herself be intimidated into loving a cruel boy
and everyone told her she was wrong
i want to teach her that there is nothing wrong with sadness
but there is everything right about happiness
i want to teach her that she can find it all inside her very soul
and that she can always find a helping hand
because someone loves her
and someone will find her in the darkness
and help her to realize that the ability to go on
is embedded inside her chest
i want to show her that death is not fantastic and elaborate
but that life can be exactly as beautiful as we want it to be
if we can just light the spark

The boy who is afraid of heights
Takes orders through a metal box
And once he grew his hair out into
Those dark curls I despise
He found all the ways to haunt my daydreams and nightmares alike

The skinny boy with glasses
Got contacts a year later
He swims for miles and miles
And searches inside himself for the truth of whose hand to hold
Although the he once held mine every day

The boy with dark skin and lovely laughter
Will probably never grow up
He will probably always search for a girl's approval
And will continually lose that girl in the end
But he will be sure to make her smile

The boy who carved a cross into his skin
He thought he understood me and could fix me
But he could barely understand himself
And he barely hugged me
Even though he wanted to

The boy who plays bass
Will probably never be my boyfriend
But he's done more for me than all of them
Combined
He makes me question reality, love, life, myself
He jokes around with me and keeps me honest
He holds my hand and lets me cry and makes me laugh
He urges me to go on and to be happy
And he will always be there to do so

by your side
for hours at a time
and i don't know if there is actually a ceiling
or a floor

hear your words
ignore the endless hurt
and i can't see anything but your radiant eyes
shining green

feel your arms
your undeniable charms
and i wouldn't dare let go of that warmth any time soon
you're safety

say my name
just fanning the flame
and i cannot begin to touch on how i feel when you
call me love

steal my heart
ripping me apart
and i don't even see the sick world around you and i
i love this

My heart
Is stitched together with your beautiful name
And for that
I'm so sorry

we like to all pretend that we're important
but we aren't
not to a **** person

I miss holding your hand as you drive us across town
And rubbing your shoulders when you're stressed
And cuddling against your chest no matter what time of day it was
And basically everything about us
And I haven't even left yet

the
quiet
times
are
always
when
the
demons
claw
their
way
out

i forgot how much i love
being in a loud house
where everyone runs about
taking care of their own business
your brother weaves in and out of your room
where you and I curl up on your couch
playing video games and howling like hyenas
your parents' voices sound
footsteps resonate from above our heads
as your sisters arrive home
and start their respective afternoon rituals
and i hear your mother's voice
and the pipes creaking as someone runs a sink upstairs
and your doorbell rings and it doesn't echo
all the sounds...
i stand off near the door
when you tell your father we are leaving
because this isn't my world anymore
but for some unknown reason
i feel at home

i know how many smiles
must be shining over at that house
(good god, yours better be one of them. it's a perfect smile.)
while i sit here singing pop punk and indie songs
to myself, wrapped up in a blanket that still has your scent to it, and imagining
that you would harmonize these words with me
and you'd sit on my floor
churning out random chords on my guitar that you said was
"perfect for indie music."
i haven't eaten a ******* thing in six hours
or so and i don't intend to
because i'm getting that rush again and my brain might be
rolling to a stop on the treacherous slopes of my anxiety and
the silence of my house that is its breeding ground.
i believe that we are something astounding
and inside these rewired bones of mine, i feel
that you and i could do anything
so long as we had one another
but you're five minutes north of here
as you should be, giving thanks with a family that loves you
(i know they're overbearing, darling, but they only care for you and want the best for you.)
(and i love them too)
and isn't broken apart,
forgetting about the sad 18-year old's existence,
or dead and gone,
like mine.

i
need
one
good
reason
just
o
n
e

Stop asking me what it means, what it means
Nothing I believe in is what it seems, what it seems
Stop trying your **** hardest to patronize me
I'll never be good enough til I float away at sea
I like to pretend that I'm stronger than they are
Like I can be someone written in the stars
Truth is I'm slipping, I'm falling, I'm sinking
And nothing can stop me from creating this feeling
I act like I'm fearless with no thought of hiding
Hold my head up in crowds like I'm not even trying
I pretend I don't care about the people outside
But this stupid **** scares me to the core of my mind
And it's nothing but wounds that I cast on myself
And it's nothing but silence when I'm crying for help
And it's pathetic and tasteless and useless to them
And to me it's my failings from which all this stems
If God truly made me he laughed to himself
But honestly I think I'm something born out of hell
A poison to the earth that I wish I could save
And the hand that with every word digs her own grave
I can't ask for help because it's all in my brain
Fabricated sadness like links of a chain
I wish I was someone with a grip on her life
Or at least the power to just stand up and fight
I never see meaning and I never see hope
I just see short comings caused by my inability to cope
And these words are just words, nothing more than before
And the photos were faded before they hit the floor
And neither has meaning, neither gets me anywhere
I'd love to be remembered but I'm barely even there
And I know it's all my fault and I don't do anything correctly
I can't create my own world and this one doesn't want me

if i am a goddess
you are a ******* galaxy
with eyes like clusters of stars
that i could get lost in for centuries
and i nearly do
i want you in the simplest of ways
i want your entire presence
i want to kiss you but i still want to hear those beautiful words you say
because although you doubt me
you do articulate like a master
i want to hold you and fall asleep on your chest again
with your arm lazily draped over me and absently rubbing circles in my back
but i also desire sleepless nights
and barely audible conversations about love and music and happiness and life
laughing way too loud and have to quiet each other as to not wake anyone
i want your body and your mind
but if i could only have one
i would always choose your mind
and that is why i think i'm in love with you