when he tells me to stop
i suppose i have to
but he does not control me!
not in any way does that boy control
a **** thing about me

only my heart, as if i would listen to it anyway

when he yells
he does so in whispers, murmurs
when he's ecstatic
his world explodes with sound
so i know when he's quiet
that's when i've ****** up

and oh, i consistently **** up

i hate him
i love him
i detest him
i adore him
then the day ends by the moonlight
and begins anew with the rising sun

i always love him by the time my head crashes against the pillow

his music
my words
his portraits
my photographs
his father
my sister

his heart, my heart, our hearts are basically the same *****

his words
my songs
his photographs
my art
his history
my father

his world, my world, our world is all our own, all alone

his laugh is magic
his logic is constantly flawed
his voice throws me off balance
and his attitude enrages me
god, do i love him
*******, do i hate him

adore, detest, treasure, loathe, who cares? it's all ours

dear, *******, love, *******, sweetheart, idiot

who cares?
it's all ours

The boy who is afraid of heights
Takes orders through a metal box
And once he grew his hair out into
Those dark curls I despise
He found all the ways to haunt my daydreams and nightmares alike

The skinny boy with glasses
Got contacts a year later
He swims for miles and miles
And searches inside himself for the truth of whose hand to hold
Although the he once held mine every day

The boy with dark skin and lovely laughter
Will probably never grow up
He will probably always search for a girl's approval
And will continually lose that girl in the end
But he will be sure to make her smile

The boy who carved a cross into his skin
He thought he understood me and could fix me
But he could barely understand himself
And he barely hugged me
Even though he wanted to

The boy who plays bass
Will probably never be my boyfriend
But he's done more for me than all of them
Combined
He makes me question reality, love, life, myself
He jokes around with me and keeps me honest
He holds my hand and lets me cry and makes me laugh
He urges me to go on and to be happy
And he will always be there to do so

the
quiet
times
are
always
when
the
demons
claw
their
way
out

and you could rip apart
every
last
piece of me
but i would still see the sun in your eyes
the world in your smile
and the universe in your heart

So many people around me
I'm all alone in this crowded space
The tables and chairs even shy away from me as if I were plagued
But I know the truth and I know that I'm not diseased
I am brilliant, a fire that cannot be stopped
When I notice another person alone and think
"Wow I am not the only one"
The person they are waiting for makes an appearance and the lonely face breaks into a smile
The person I'm waiting for lives in a small house on his family's new land an hour and a half north of me
So I think it might be awhile
Before he comes to dinner

And I just wonder
If you ask yourself
"Is she doing okay?"
Do you assume no news is good news?
Do you think
"Well, she isn't ******* to me about how unfair and pathetic her life is
So she must not want to jump from the top of her building anymore"
Or is it much more simple:
You just don't think about me

i'm starting to think
that our hands
simply belong together

I miss holding your hand as you drive us across town
And rubbing your shoulders when you're stressed
And cuddling against your chest no matter what time of day it was
And basically everything about us
And I haven't even left yet

a constant struggle
between being alive
and wanting to die

and maybe as this air begins to chill once again
and maybe when the snow begins to fall on my head
maybe, god i hope, we can find a place to be
last fall and last winter found more ways to save me
but the spring dragged me out of the ground
and the nights ill never forget kept me around
and maybe one day i'll be able to fly
and maybe i'll fall, maybe i wanna die
and maybe i don't, maybe i'm just a liar
a child with no one, not even her own fire
and maybe i'm broken, maybe i'm lost
maybe i'm a mind that's been battered and tossed
someone, just hear me, and find me out here
keep me from myself, save me from the fear
i am so sick of funerals and rooms in all black
and seeing my smile in photos and taking it back
sweetheart, please hear me, don't forget about me
remind me of who i am and who i'm meant to be
i know you'll soon be gone and i'll be alone
but your heart is so pure where mine is a stone
and you're the air that i breathe every single day
and the steps that i take to create my own fate
and maybe i'm dreaming when i think that you care
and maybe believing in what's not really there
maybe inside me a good thing wants to break free
or maybe my own brain is just trying to **** me
god, i don't know anymore, i swear that i'm trying
honey, you're my lifeline, but something in me is dying

I think it's weird
Because I was going to marry him
And now I see him sitting in the backseat of my best friend's car
And he's smiling and he's happy
Which is all I ever wanted for him
I'm not sad or anything
I'm not even regretful
He and I could have never made it out alive
It's not that we're different
We're both too headstrong, too angry
Too much for one another
When he pushed me
I always pushed back with more force
No, I don't wish for a different outcome
Because I quite like my place as of now
And I think of all the things you and I have done together
And I don't miss him at all
But as I see his face in the backseat of the car pulling away from my house
I suppose I just wonder
What the future truly holds

Stop asking me what it means, what it means
Nothing I believe in is what it seems, what it seems
Stop trying your **** hardest to patronize me
I'll never be good enough til I float away at sea
I like to pretend that I'm stronger than they are
Like I can be someone written in the stars
Truth is I'm slipping, I'm falling, I'm sinking
And nothing can stop me from creating this feeling
I act like I'm fearless with no thought of hiding
Hold my head up in crowds like I'm not even trying
I pretend I don't care about the people outside
But this stupid **** scares me to the core of my mind
And it's nothing but wounds that I cast on myself
And it's nothing but silence when I'm crying for help
And it's pathetic and tasteless and useless to them
And to me it's my failings from which all this stems
If God truly made me he laughed to himself
But honestly I think I'm something born out of hell
A poison to the earth that I wish I could save
And the hand that with every word digs her own grave
I can't ask for help because it's all in my brain
Fabricated sadness like links of a chain
I wish I was someone with a grip on her life
Or at least the power to just stand up and fight
I never see meaning and I never see hope
I just see short comings caused by my inability to cope
And these words are just words, nothing more than before
And the photos were faded before they hit the floor
And neither has meaning, neither gets me anywhere
I'd love to be remembered but I'm barely even there
And I know it's all my fault and I don't do anything correctly
I can't create my own world and this one doesn't want me

Once upon a time
A boy said hello
And although I was stubborn
And would not have believed it then
It remains to this day
To be the best thing
That has ever happened to me

Everyone loves
And we all love with fervor, with ferocity
And maybe it's on accident
And maybe it's written in the stars
But everyone loves
And we know it's not right
It's stupid, pointless, reckless, self-destructive
We love and it rips us apart from the inside out
The butterflies have sharp-edged swords for wings
And slice our stomachs in the best and worst way
And we sacrifice so much of ourselves
And we think nothing of it
Just to see that person smile for half a second
And maybe it's appreciated
Maybe no one even notices
But everyone loves
We paint murals on the walls of our hearts with colors we can only see in that person's presence
And we cover them up with black sheets and maybe black paint
But they're still there
And maybe it's desperate
And maybe it's destroying us
But everyone loves
Yes, the world is broken
And it's bleeding and bruised and all around collapsing before us
It's absolutely crazy and we're sinking in it
But we aren't daunted
And maybe we all die some day
And maybe that will even be today
But everyone loves
And maybe those we love disappear
And maybe they're forever carved into our bones
But everyone loves
And maybe I'm wrong
And maybe it all ends ******
But everyone loves
And everyone loves wrong

i
need
one
good
reason
just
o
n
e

my skin feels warm as i think of you
gripping my hand as you drive across town
holding me and rubbing my back and telling me
"you're okay. it's fine. you're fine"
even though i hadn't said that i was upset
i think of your fingers one by one
marking an abstract path across my arm
and the fact that, even when i push you away
you are not daunted
you always remain
you are never far away
and as i prepare to move into this new life i have somehow tricked my way into
i know you will always be at my side
i think of the weekends you'll spend there with me
and that we'll fall asleep in each other's arms
and the summer we are about to embark on
cannot be anything but together
your return to catholic school cannot take you from me
my falling south cannot keep me from you
the cord will always stretch
but it will never break

we like to all pretend that we're important
but we aren't
not to a **** person