October is a **** terrible month
it's a bitter bile taste on my swollen tongue
ladies and gentlemen: gather 'round! see the horror film
it's about the play out before my eyes.

Cereal nearly drowns in a bowl and
I swear to God it tastes like tar
and ashes, but I didn't know that yet
not yet, I thought I'd slam that old broken door and
watch the sunrise.

My phone illuminates, you say
"I'm on my way to get you now"
Why? when I know I'll get there sooner than you
"Did no one call you?" you're outraged and
my ceramic breakfast bowl threatens to shatter at my feet
when you tell me.

Backseat of a car that was sold two years ago
my body smashed between my niece and
the door, I wish I could open it and roll out
while we're on the highway
because I know the hospital is close
too close.

I don't want to write anymore because the sun
mocked my emptiness with its rays when I just
wanted to see it climb the sky.

You can be my mouthful of pills
to which I’ll say: “One day, I’ll be clean”
Clean of you, clean of this
because I’m an obsessively tidy person

You can be the needle in the crook of my elbow
that pumps life through me while I lay comatose
Asleep, but awake; gone, but here
while my mother cries alone after the accident

You can be the crushed up aspirin in my palm
and I wait in the darkness for a summer sunrise
Rays burn flesh, fires on fiery hair
Maybe the drugs are enough to cool my skin

You can be a phantom limb, a phantom heart
and steal away my thunder, lightning, and rain
Take me: silent, fearful
drive me across the oceans in your Honda Civic

You can be the record that plays inside my bones
and the music the waves that I float upon facing the sky
The lake, the green waters, your green eyes
undressed in that car after we danced to the bass in our chests

You can be the cruel voice inside my head
that whispers secrets about prophets and flames
Day and night, sleep be ******
my lord, I would never take pills to rid myself of you

A pounding heart bangs against the chest that has it incarcerated
It screams and cries and begs for a swift and humane end
Ambles towards the edge of the cliff and awaits the moment it finally takes the plunge

Fingers shake relentlessly, an earthquake in the bloodstream
It animates bones and ignites nerve cells in the worst way
Evaporates only after it devours every last ounce of precious serenity

Tears cascade from eyes that threaten to burst from their sockets
They flow like raging rapids and slap against the innocent riverbank
Steal away every meager thought of calm that comes into contact with the waves

Lungs fill with lead and tighten around that choked breath
It constricts and confines the air that surrounds, strips it of life-sustaining oxygen
Creates a misty, obscure world full to the brim with shapes and outlines that confound the mind

Words tumble from quivering lips that wear false confidence and clatter against the floor
They fall heavy out of arms and scrape against bare porcelain legs and draw blood from old, scarred cuts
Break bones and ribcages and hopeless hearts and never stop to consider an apology

Anxiety assaults without warning, without trepidation, takes its tribute relentlessly
It crashes into the room, a drunken roommate draped in liquefied poise on melted legs
Pounds at the door, shocks awake, then leaves all possessions in disarray and never offers to help clean

I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I mostly keep to myself
and I find comfort in that way of life
my world is an island
and people are the sea
true, it's lonely
but I know I am home

and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because the ferry runs everywhere but here
it brushes up against the shore but never stops
because no one desires to visit
I bury my head deep in the sand
and my heart deeper still
hey, sometimes clear blue skies warm my skin
they cut through the torrential rain and storms
and those skies and that sun belong to me
just like the downpour
it's all mine
it's all me

and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I chose this life
I cut myself off from civilization
from humanity itself at a young age
I’ve removed it from my life like a useless limb
I’ve ruined those I might have loved
once upon a time
their lifeless bodies float out in the endless expanse of ocean
my kisses poisonous, my hugs constricting
but my departure and coldness held the blade
and I twisted it inside of each of them
like it was a game

and I could never be anyone's dream girl
because I **** my own happiness
and that of others
just by existing
and just by existing alone
I could never be anyone's dream girl

when he tells me to stop
i suppose i have to
but he does not control me!
not in any way does that boy control
a **** thing about me

only my heart, as if i would listen to it anyway

when he yells
he does so in whispers, murmurs
when he's ecstatic
his world explodes with sound
so i know when he's quiet
that's when i've ****** up

and oh, i consistently **** up

i hate him
i love him
i detest him
i adore him
then the day ends by the moonlight
and begins anew with the rising sun

i always love him by the time my head crashes against the pillow

his music
my words
his portraits
my photographs
his father
my sister

his heart, my heart, our hearts are basically the same *****

his words
my songs
his photographs
my art
his history
my father

his world, my world, our world is all our own, all alone

his laugh is magic
his logic is constantly flawed
his voice throws me off balance
and his attitude enrages me
god, do i love him
*******, do i hate him

adore, detest, treasure, loathe, who cares? it's all ours

dear, *******, love, *******, sweetheart, idiot

who cares?
it's all ours

home, home
what is home?
where do you go
when you've got no real home?
when the tears block your sight
the interstate stretches to your right
and it's blocked by the lights
and you pretend music soothes your hands
and your feet that drag you between lands
acting like you've still got a hold on that band
like you're something grand
like you've got it planned
like it'll work out in the end
when all that you love just breaks and bends
you think you've got one real friend?
yeah, you say you're on the mend
god, you're just a worn-out trend
little girl with no hope
at the end of a noose-shaped rope
claims she can't cope
claims she ain't close
to finding her home
home, home, what is a home?
i can't say, i've got nowhere to go
is it this house where i've grown?
the words of a song in my bones?
the heartbeat i've come to known?
the blood in my veins,
the quake in the rain,
weakness in the chain
of a life gone insane
too much pain
not enough power
is it my hour
to stop where i cower
and take back who i am and who i wanna be
it's time for you to see
what life has done to me
1 AM scrambling up trees
a bunch of kids who don't mean a thing
looking through the darkness searching for the king
god, i wonder where he could be...
we could be arrested for trespassing!
but, *******, no one thinks these things but me
i'm screaming!
but i'm silent
no use trying to fight it
standing in the quiet
brain wants to riot
drenched from the rain
crawl back to our rooms not knowing our names
you'd think we're insane
but i'm the only player in that game
home, home, what is a home?
is it where i go when i'm all alone?
or i come in silently
the girls trying to follow me
boys running far from me
roommate's asleep
tiptoe to my sheets
ain't no point to weep
honey, i know i'm in too deep
wake up, sunshine
tell the girls i'm fine
downstairs, where we dine
new meals all mine
sunday mornings smell of wine
but i'm too good, no, i stay in line
one more week, closer to home
but i'll still be lost, no one knows
home, home, what is home?
who is there when i've got nowhere to go?
with the stars in his eyes and the songs in his bones
yeah, he's the only one who knows
home, home, that's my home
the only one i could really know
and it's dumb and it's wrong
i ask him "where do i belong?"
he says "i know you can't stay long"
sings and plays all his songs
then we dance like it matters
the kids all scatter
we sit alone til the midnight shatters
dressed up in all red like i care
the silence is more than i can bear
on my skin the chill of the air
"i'll be here for you, i swear"
he swears, he promises, his heart he shares
but no, i don't believe he really cares
home, home, what's a home?
a boy in a plaid shirt, he's my home
maybe it's wrong, but it's what i know
and the gunshots, they just go to show
no one on this ****** planet knows
maybe no one really has a home

his voice is a calming ocean
but his touch is a raging hurricane
god, i can never find peace when it comes to him
adrift on his words, his melodies
his very existence takes me by storm with every single second
i adore him so and i swear by every god every worshiped
that i would tell the entire world
"hi, nice to meet you, i'm scarlet and this young man captivates me"
"and i know he'll do the same to you too"
i am so baffled by those around me
who see him as an enemy, a traitor, a devil
when the sunshine only peeks through the clouds when we're together
i am taken aback by this
how can you be so blind to his magnificence, bordering on perfection
and how could you not see the starlight coming from this boy?
he likes to think he could be jack white
without knowing that he's better
he would never tell me that he loves being in front of my camera lens
but i know
he tries so hard to be at peace with everyone in his world
in order to be at peace with himself
his music is magic and i will never recover
from falling into his strange little world, his strange little mind
his strange little heart and mine are part of one another
both adrift in this uneasy sea, looking for dry land, side-by-side