Everything
You ever gave me
Is hidden in a box
On my nightstand,
Or hung up in my closet.
A dozen letters
Stuffed away with
Pressed flower bouquets.
A jacket or two,
Mixed in with my clothes.
A pair of boxer briefs,
A mix CD,
A journal,
A photo.

A photo.

The smallness of it all,
The way our life fit
So neatly
Into that tiny little box,
And disappeared.
Apparitions, at most.

Apparitions whose weight is apparent;
A honey-sweet kiss on my cheek
The remnants of touch
Ghosts are real
And they all look like

A dozen letters
Stuffed into a box,
Pressed flower bouquets,
A pair of boxer briefs,
A mix CD,
And a photo.

A photo.

I dreamt last night
While you slept beside me

That you told me
You loved me.

You stood above me
In my narrow bed,

Kissed my cheek
As I quietly drifted away

Into a contented sleep, and you
Mumbled just so slightly

Under your breath,
The way you always do,

Three words.

I knew what you said, but
I reached for your hand, asking,

"What did you say?"
An anxious smile in my voice.

I just wanted to hear you say it
Out loud, again and again

A chorus of us
Reciting bedtime vows

Until morning light brought silence
But it was only in

A dream.

A hole opened in me
And it swallowed my heart.

It continued to grow,
Quickly and quietly,

Until it devoured
My cigarette burnt lungs.

Next was my liver,
Stained with alcohol.

My empty belly followed,
And then all at once,

My nerves, gone. My tongue, gone.
My throat and eyes, ears, gone.

But my mind remained.
It stayed behind to survey

The empty cavern of
What was once my body.

No screams were heard then,
No cries of grief or sadness.

Only the sound of your name
Rattling my brittle bones.

Your name, and his,
Mixing together in

A poison, a potion
With no known antidote.

Broken pieces
Stitched together
Make up the man
I call my home.

Phone is ringing
Sisters screaming
Dark theaters
Always remind

The chance of fate
And fated chance
Fortune cookies
Say everything

Completely in-
Consistent, my
Tough guy lover

You never call
And yet I will
Come all the same
Because I am

Deeply in love
Or innately
Mistaken, I
Really don't care.

He said she'd bleed on him;
Said that everyone
Was bleeding out,
****** gestures all around.

But despite his
Drug-addled mind,
This moment of false
Clarity rung in the
Bleached hospital room.

I don't think he meant
That she was bleeding on him
The way a cut bleeds
When you take a razor to
Your arms;
He meant the bleeding hearts
The eyes of the people
The eyes of god
Welling with ****** tears
Whenever they look
Down
On him in the bed
With a pity that
Makes even my stomach turn.

The moon hangs low tonight,
Heavy with melancholy romance
And hazy lusting.
My blood lists to and fro,
Dancing a tidal waltz with
That distant face.
I think of all the times
I've made love
While this same moon
Peeked in through the window,
Illuminating bright eyes
And milky skin;
How many times
I've wept in the witching hour
With the ghosts of grandmothers
While this moon watches,
Waiting for me to come out to play.
I grow sick of the moon.
It's evident moodiness,
Bright and full one night,
Dissolved to black the next.
Consistency is key here.
I desire no more.

Windshield wipers racing fervently
Like erasing a ghost from memory

Tail lights reflect dully in the downpour
Snakes of steam flutter in their wake

Getting lost is easier done than said
An icy doubt seeps through skin

Did I make a wrong turn
Was that the road I was supposed to take

The world is sleeping, but I awake
Aware of high speed details

The exit sign I passed two miles ago
The blood and glass scattered wildly

Signals all to get out now
But still I drive blindly on

Pushing pedals cranking gears
Like nothing in the world is wrong

I smell a rat faintly on the wind
Stench of deceit and betrayal

A warning of what was before
And what is yet to come

But still I drive blindly on
Like nothing in the world can happen

Until the crash and the tears
And the blood and the voices

All asking me asking me
How could I let this happen?

I've hurt before; been stung by love
But still I drive blindly on.