Alone
To me is home
I let the music flow through my veins
And my hate dwindles away
No stress, no paranoia, no screaming or hateful words

I am alone.
And I guess I'm bothered that I don't have friends
But I guess that's okay also
I've become everyones doormat
Sure, I'll buy you this
I'll listen to your petty problems while an (unmentioned) family member of mine does some more ****
But in my head, I scream as loud as I can for just one person
One
Person
To hold me while I cry
And tell me that everything IS going to be okay
And that all this IS going to be over soon
But I guess we can't all have what we want, right?

Oh how it eats me alive
As the thought dances in my brain
Am I not good enough?
Do you want another?
Look at how much more beautiful they are,
Their skinny waists and sparkling eyes
And a personality to match.

We're so similar
The way our puzzle piece fingers connected
Our depression screaming
Our hearts hunger for love
But you wanted different
I, am not lucky with your kind
Always getting ****** over
My head is constantly filled with lies.

It all started with the flip of a coin
Fate is what they call it
Darling I'll never forget
The innocence in your bright blue eyes
The rainy walks through the grave yard
Living on other's graves.
Silent, but our minds loud
Soft, curious lips meeting for the first time
When I explained to you what love meant
And when we decided to share "I love you"
Tangled in each other's arms in peaceful harmony
Darling, I'll never forget.

They aren't your friends,
And even they talk about you
Everyone thinks you're an outcast
And everyone IS laughing at you when you think they are
All your self hate thoughts are true
And he doesn't love you
He wants better
Everyone hates you.

Stuck in a rut
Darling I couldn't be more sorry I bring sorrow upon you
I don't mean to I swear
I guess emptiness will never fill
And I am alone
Without you,
Without anyone.

Laying together like matching puzzle pieces being lie down on a coffee table
Letting the moment absorb in my mind
Just to hold onto it later
When you aren't here
And our skin isn't touching
But darling I know we'll meet again someday soon
And that is why these goodbyes get easier
And our love will continue to grow
Die
Grow
Die
And grow more
We are redwood tree's
Only knocked down by a natural disaster or other human beings
Not ourselves
If there is an infinity, you are mine.

I put all the things that resembled us away
In a box
The box that you sent me for valentines day
I smelled your sweater continuously
And looked at our pictures
Put the ring on one more time,
and kissed the teddy bear
I read all your letters
Fake promises scrawled onto alabaster paper
I put it all in my closet
And I kissed the memories goodnight.
Now I'm on my own
Like a baby bird flying for the first time
Now its time to find
Who I am
Who I want to be
Now, it's time to say goodbye.

Kiss your lips goodnight,
But I'm not actually sleeping
Sorrow fills my heart
I think of your eyes closed and your steady breath
Probably worrying your pretty little head about me
But I don't want you to worry
You don't deserve to worry
*You shouldn't have to worry

I remember it like yesterday
Sitting on your lap, rocking back and forth
Being lulled to sleep by your scent and the quiet television
Grandpa and the dog snoring into a deep sleep
Cutting out paper dolls and dressing them
Watching cooking shows and attempting to cook like Bobby Flay or Rachel Ray,
Regis and Kelly,
And reading books.
Holidays were always in order,
Something like a magazine
But as I grew older
As I grew wiser
I knew something was wrong
I knew you were sick
a monster called
Diabetes.
Overweight, but you had no will
For you were secretly depressed
Had the world broken your heart too, Grandma?
Sicker you got,
Hospital trips, Doctor visits
I always though the angels you told me about as a child were watching over you;
that they wouldn't take you from me.
Things grew less innocent
Lost their magazine touch
I never knew you would leave me, Grandma.
I never knew it could all end so quickly.
But I guess you're with angels now
The ones you told me about when I was small.

I look into the mirror and I see ugly
I'm haunted by my appearance,
Taunted by the low self esteem
Never good enough nor will I ever be
All I want is the best for you lover.
You don't deserve the hideous monster I am
With awkward colored hair
Crooked teeth, pale lips
Curved waist, big hips
Obnoxious laugh
Oh what I wouldn't give to be pretty just like normal girls
What I wouldn't give to be beautiful.

I sit and comfort myself with lies
It's all going to be fine
It's all over now
But then the monster arises from her slumber and disproves my hope for things to be just 'okay'
She screams at me.
Stupid *****! Lazy! Fat!
As I let the words soak into my skin, I tell myself more and more lies.
It's all over now, darling.
It's going to be just fine.

Losing sleep
And losing emotion
I can't tell what's real anymore
Is it your missing presence
Or does forever not exist?
Why is it I get anxiety when
I simply think of you.
An unpleasant feeling in my stomach arises
Isn't it true the gut feeling is always right?

Look at me
Digging myself ditches
Dragging people I love down with me
Deep down in this dark ditch
Searching for even a spark of happiness
A spark of hope
Cutting them with my sharp truths
Sometimes the truth hurts
*But sometimes you have to accept the thorns of truth stabbing your sides

She steps outside
Outside the jail cell she calls home
She breathes in the cold air
Turning her insides colder
Flakes of white are inhaled
While she exhales fire
And her fire spells out words of hate
Such harsh words..
In this world, winter is year round
As she drowns in the fluffy white sorrow that freezes her brain
Sends her flying through a sky of lucid dreams
But these dreams are real;
But to her they are all nightmares
And she runs to the snow again
*Like a child who needs her mother's side.

My body craves yours
Holding me so tightly
I remember it perfect.
Close my eyes, picture lying down and tangled legs.
Soft and passionate kisses.
Kisses that meant something. That let electricity flow.
That tell me forever is true
That tell me exactly what is written on our necklaces
Love knows no distance.
People disapprove of us, but we are in love.
Meant to be.

She was like a tree
But not a spring tree
Lively and green
She is a tree with nostalgic initials and empty promises carved in her side
Pieces of her are eroded from all the rain
But she remains standing
Through the people who carve their initials and promises of forever in her sides
Through the rain in which she erodes

What a shame
That you get your fill from *** and drugs
While I get mine from false hopes
And how sad
That we are no longer intertwined like ribbons that are twisted neatly together during the holidays
No longer keeping secrets for each other
Oh old friend
No, now we are a box with a lost key
Lost deep in a sea of selfishness and inner pain
We are no longer lock and key, dear.
We are now mountain and valley
Dry earth and salty ocean
We slowly grow apart
Distant.. Distant..
We are so *distant

What a shame
That you get your fill from *** and drugs
While I get mine from false hopes
And how sad
That we are no longer intertwined like ribbons that are twisted neatly together during the holidays
No longer keeping secrets for each other
Oh old friend
No, now we are a box with a lost key
Lost deep in a sea of selfishness and inner pain
We are no longer lock and key, dear.
We are now mountain and valley
Dry earth and salty ocean
We slowly grow apart
Distant.. Distant..
We are so *distant

Everyone has a breaking point
And I guess I've reached mine
Everything seems pointless to me
And nothing seems worth the time
The  medication isn't working
And the coffee is weak
I don't see a point in anything
I wish the will would come back
I'm done caring
I'm done hurting
And I'm done inflicting pain on the people I love
I'm tired of being lied to
I'm tired of you talking about me behind my back
I'm tired of people acting like they care.

My brain is everywhere
Feelings are dancing around as they please
I wish happiness would take a seat and stay a while
And just keep me at peace
Anger gnaws at the walls,
Screaming and urging me to scream also
Sorrow wants to let the pain out
With incisions.
To let the sadness drip drop out of me.
Sorrow wants me to cry.
But my body can't. Won't.
My body is numb. Tears remain in a bottle, anger won't flow.
As the world is silent, I want to scream
Until my voice is gone.
Until someone comes and saves me
Until someone can let the tears out of the bottle
Until the anger can flow.
Until everything is okay.

So it has ended
And the thing we called love will only remain a distant memory
Nothing lasts forever, my dear
And I'm sorry it had to end this way
We were trying to provide things to each other that distance was taking from us
Sometimes, things don't work out
But maybe in the future some day, my dear
When we aren't silly teenagers
When the distance will no longer exist.

I guess this only a phase
But the negativity is becoming so real
I wish I knew what was real anymore
I'm pathetic
Loneliness is my weakness
And it feasts upon my paranoia and dances in my brain
Is it possible this feeling is being made out of nothing?
I wish I could have an answer.
What if there is someone else
But you don't have the heart to tell me?
What if your love is a facade, and what if I am being led on?
Forever and Always is just a phrase, darling
And I'm beginning to wonder if what they're saying is true
*Forever and always doesn't exist.

The lies will never stop
And the addiction will never grow silent
Your words will be spit out at me like a demon
Insults, lies
Don't worry dearest, I'm not high's
Can't you see
I can't handle anymore
Can't you see
I am eroding
Fading away
Losing myself
I can't continue this way
And some day you'll be on your own
I hope one day you'll learn
That the disease can be conquered
And I hope one day you'll realize how much this affected me
How many night's I've lost
How many tears I haven't been able to cry.
I hope maybe one day, you will put an end to it.

I wish I could tell you what's going on
But I'm not so sure either
My feelings are scattered all over the place
Scattered like rain falling from the sky
I want to leave,
But my heart strings are tied to you
In tight, tight knots
Glued together
Needing to be pried from your grip
Distance is no way to love someone
And we both deserve more.
I wish I could humor you
And say that forever and always is true
But I can't

Oh darling
We're falling apart
I wish it didn't have to end this way
But I'm learning that forever and always is only an overused phrase
and infinite is just an empty word
Sorry could never describe what I want to tell you
I hope that you can find better
But that I remain nothing but a memory
Not an empty memory
A memory with love and a memory with laughter
Distance is keeping us apart
But maybe when we're older, my dear
Because right now, we're just young teenagers in love.

I'm slowly turning to dust
Everything is becoming pointless
I'm withering away to nothing
Flames licking me away like a child and a poisoned sucker.

While being left in the dust by the old
But taken under their wings by the new
I have found new people to go to
And new people who care
Though I will more than likely never meet them in my whole life because they're spread out far and wide
I feel like I have become close to them, and I can trust my new friends on the internet.

Show me your scars
Tell me your fears
Let go darling
Because its safe here
Lay your lies out in neat rows
And let them disappear to dust;