When you are upset with me
I feel like I am 2 feet tall.
I cower under your words
And hide from your thoughts.
I don’t want to disappoint you
I don’t want to make you mad.
But I do.
My apologies are sincere
Yet they seem to bounce off of you
As if they do not even exist.
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
It is all I can manage to say
Because I can’t find the desire to say anything else.
I want forgiveness.
From you
From him
From everyone.
I need to hear those words more than anything else
Those three little words.
Please
I’m sorry
I will say it until you know
But with each utterance of the phrase
My body feels more and more hollow
And my chest feels as though it’s caving in
Until my shoulders are hunched
Around my heart
And I am rocking myself back and forth,
Staying in motion to ensure that I don’t
Shrivel up,
Chanting my sorrows
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry for everything.
I need you to say those words to me
Make everything alright again
Make this hollowing pain cease
At least for a little bit.
It is only three little words
Not that hard to say
But they hold so much power over my mind.
Three words:
I forgive you.
My weakness will forever be my guilty heart.

I want to tell you everything.
I want you to know
Why I am who I am today
And I want you to know that
I want things to change.
I want you to know that I am strong
But mostly just scared.
I want you to promise me that
You will be different.
That you will care for me
And only speak gently to me.
I want you to know that I am trying
But that I am badly damaged.
I want you to hold me
And kiss me
And tell me that it wasn't my fault
So that maybe,
By some chance
I will begin to believe you.
I want you to be different
And I want to be sure that you are.
I don’t want to have any doubts.
I want to feel safe
And secure
So that I can speak without restraint
And love without fear.
I want you to want me for the right reasons.
I want you to see me differently,
As a girl who has been through hell
And just wants to be tucked in at night.
I need you to
Hold me tight and never let me go
Never let another hand touch me
Never let another shout pierce my heart.
I need you to be my shield.
I need you to want me like I want you
And see me the way a girl deserves to be seen.

Child you fascinate me.
Everything about you reminds me
Of everything I longed to be.
You are an embodiment of the earth
Your mossy green eyes
Placed perfectly on tanned skin
Surrounded by light brown hair
That is streaked by sunny days.
Your full pink lips
Never seem to have the ability
To hold back a smile
That would put the brightest stars
To shame.
Child you amaze me.
You defy the binds of society
In a way that I long to do.
Your long black eyelashes
Untainted by paint
And your skin free
Of the concealing mask.
You walk with your face
To the sky
And it is beautiful.
Child you intrigue me.
Your mind is so colorful
I long to know what you are thinking.
You question the world
Not out of fear or suspicion,
But pure curiosity.
Because in your mind
Every answer
Every word
Every living thing
Has endless possibilities
And you are the perfect example.
Child you astound me.
You say what is on your mind
And i wouldn’t have it any other way.
There is no room in your
Heart for bottled up emotions
And your time is far too precious
For words left unsaid.
You live in the moment
With no tolerance for
Those who try to hold you back.
Child you inspire me.
You have this strength and confidence
That I try so hard to master.
You have never been one to
Fear the opinion of others.
You don’t waste your time
Worrying about what they say
Not because you don’t know
But because
you simply don’t care.
You like being you.
And though I know you are
Already aware
I will say it once more, Child
You are good enough
I promise you are

I yearn for sunlight on my skin
And gentle breezes tainted
With the salt that
Splashes onto the
Sandy shore to greet the
Fragile toes of children
That gaze at the horizon
And wonder how far it goes.
I need a sea that
Will rock me carefully
Within the soft cradle
Of its light blues and
Always remember that I need
To come up for air.
Baby, these waves are
Becoming too much.
They have forgotten  
Who I am.
They pull me away from
The sun
And rejoice when I cry
Only knowing that
In that moment
We are one in the same,
As salt from my eyes
finds its place within
The navy violence.
A sea of tears
The embodiment of all
My fears and sorrow and hurt,
now lost.
Unidentifiable and inseparable.
These waters are becoming so
Foreign to me.
grasping my body
as they consume me
and forget that
I am fragile and helpless
Against their power.
I need the security of
Sand beneath my
Feet.
I need to learn to walk
On my own again.
I love the ocean
But darling
I am becoming sea sick

Why bother with life
When all you get is pain
Nothing good ever happens
It’s all the same
People breaking your heart
But then you wonder why
Why do you even care
Why do you always cry
People say things
Just to get you mad
They wanna see you cry
They wanna see you sad
Others say they’re your friends
But then they talk crap
You hate to go home
Because nobody there cares
You just wanna run away
But then you don’t dare
Almost every night
You go stand outside
Look up at the stars
And think why oh why
Sometimes you just wish
That you were dead
You’ve cut yourself before
But said you would quit
Now you wonder if you can
While youre on your bed
It seems like people
Wanna get you in trouble
Seems like people
Are always pretending
Seems like people
Don’t respect you for you
But then there are
Only those few
Why bother with life
When all you get is pain
Why bother with life
When there’s nothing to gain
You slit your wrist
And punch the walls
Dream you were dead
And you weren’t anything at all

Loving the smiles,
The laughter and cheer.

Remembering the feelings,
Of joy and no fear.

Cherishing the blessings,
That brought all the care.

Seeing the kindness,
That taught us to share.

Watching the world,
As it flies by so fast.

Needing the strength,
As I dwell in the past.

I trusted you,
Gave you my heart.
I thought that you could play the part.
The one who cared
The one who dared.
The one who didn’t mind who stared.
I was so blind to see
What stood right in front of me.
It wasn’t you who changed
It was simply the rules of the game

Tears falling like rain,
I beg on my knees.
Oh angels up above……..Take me away.
Far away from this cloudy sky.
Release my pain.
Erase my sorrow.
And wipe away my tears,
For I know no rainbow will come.

For you my friend,
I will say im sorry
Im sorry for the mistakes
Im sorry for the pain
Im sorry for the troubles
I have caused you this day.
Im sorry for the hurt
Im sorry for the fear
Im sorry for every single tear

For you my friend,
I want to apologize
I was wrong
I was selfish
I just didn’t know what to do
I was stuck in the middle
But it had nothing to do with you.
I was lost
I was mean
I was everything a friend shouldn’t be.

For you my friend,
I will love forever.
Remembering the good times
The laughter we always shared
Remembering the hugs
Remembering the talks
Remember how we never could stop?
Remembering the smiles
Remembering the promises

For you my friend
I want to cry.
I didn’t mean to hurt you
I didn’t mean to disappoint you
I didn’t mean to lose you
That love that we always shared
I didn’t mean to yell
I didn’t mean to wound
I didn’t mean to fall
So far down the hill

For you my friend,
I will say im sorry,
And that
I just want to apologize,
Know that
I will love you always
And when I think about this
I want to cry.
But to you my friend,
I must say  goodbye.

Young and carefree,
I believed nothing could touch me.

Until the day that they came,
And brought with them a thing called pain.

To me it was new; it was frightening and cold,
It made me believe I had no one to hold.

No one to run to, no one who cared,
I learned to show it only if I dared.

It stays with me to this day,
Watching me slowly crumble away.

Those who brought it are long gone and free,
Never realizing what they did to me.

They laugh and play and have a world to see,
While their shadows still haunt me.

You don’t hear me say to stop
You don’t hear my plea.
You are as deafened
As I was to the warnings.

You don’t see the fear in my eyes
You don’t see me shaking
You are as blinded
As I was about who you were.

You don’t feel me try to push you away
You don’t feel me use all my strength
You are as immune
As I was to the thought of this ever happening.

You don’t know there are tears in my eyes
You don’t know you’ve broken my heart
You are as careless
As I was to trust you.

You don’t realize what this will do to me
You don’t realize how terrified I am
You are as naïve
As I was to come tonight.

Sitting alone, I start to think
What could this life really be?
Rainbows
And
Butterflies
Every little girls dream….
Snowflakes
And
Angels
Is that what it means?
But that’s not what I see,
Could it just be me?
Rainstorms
And
Bumblebees
Years of dreams not meant to be…
Blizzards
And
Nightmares
What could this mean?
Have I simply grown up?
Or is it bigger than that?
It’s not fair,
It’s not right.
Im still too young to fight this fight
16 years
To live
To survive,
Still just a baby in most people’s eyes
Caught in these ropes
Of lies
And fear
Can anyone around me even hear?
16 years
To fail
To mess up
Results in 16 years way too much.

There’s a woman with a hole
that goes straight through her soul
and it’s open for all to see.

Just ask and she’ll tell
every joy, every hell,
and how it all came to be.

She will tell you unbidden;
no secret is hidden;
and she’ll speak with a gleam in her eyes

Buts she hides in the shells
of the stories she tells;
each story a cunning disguise.

It’s easy to heal
when all that you feel
is bared like a page in a book,

but the depth of a hole
in a broken woman’s soul
depends on how deeply you look.

Each story’s a mask
with the ultimate task
of hiding the tears at the seams.

Tears in the heart
are bad for a start
but there’s nothing like tears in your dreams.