I am starting to believe that I have lost the ability to love.
I have started to kiss people with no spark, I’ve held empty hands, and slept in the arms of people I do not fully know.
It all started with a boy, of course.
A boy who wasn’t a spark, but was a firework
He was the sun, the moon, the sky, the flowers, etc
He took up so much room in my mind that he practically became my world.

I spent my nights writing poetry about him in the shadows of my room,
Because if I did it with the lights on, I wasn’t able to immerse myself in the memories we created in the dark.
Under blankets and under the stars,
We made promises that would soon prove to be empty,
And we kissed each other so passionately that the feeling of his lips would be stained on mine.

The boy taught me that I could have everything I have ever wanted,
And there could still be a “but”
We were happy together… but hardly in each other’s presence
We were in love… but he didn’t feel the same kind of love
He gave me everything he had… but he didn’t think it was enough.
See, right there was the problem.
He never thought he was enough for me,
But little did he know that he wasn’t just “enough”.
He was everything.

All I can remember is rough hands and a warm touch.
The hands weren't rough in a bad way, they
were rough because of the work that had devastated his palms
and his finger tips.
All I can remember is the dark nights and the glare of a tv screen.
The tv played episodes upon episodes of shows we never payed attention to
not because they were boring, but because we had
better things to look at.
All I can remember is warm afternoons in your living room.
We clung to each other under thick blankets even though the summer heat had set upon us
and the sunlight fled into the room through the large extravagant windows of your large extravagant house.
You had practically grown up in a mansion,
while I grew up in a neighborhood older than my grandparents.
All I can remember is tight embraces and the locking of lips that didn't quite fit right.
All I can remember is the words stuck in my throat because I didn't know when to speak in the presence of your friends.
All I can remember is the moment I realized that you and I were
so similar but in the presence of our peers, so different
All I can remember is the day you left for camp.
You said goodbye to me that afternoon as if it was our last
and in a way, it was.

i never used to believe in fate, destiny and all that garbage.
i am woman of science and a believer of facts.
i like to think that everything that happens is a product of my choices.
but my love,
my darling,
you and i are a product of something bigger than ourselves.
you've made me question my logic and the concept of
"meant-to-be".
you and i, we were indeed destiny.
you and i were two hearts beating in sync,
but not quite together yet
a love story waiting to happen,
two stars meaning to collide, it just took a little longer than expected.

Coming home with an empty car seat in one hand,
The other wrapped tightly around a bag filled with unused diapers
And untouched baby clothes.
Words are spoken by her lover,
But she can only hear the deafening scream of her son,
And the silence that shortly followed.
Walking into a nursery painted blue,
Filled with bottles, blankets and
Stuffed animals that will never know
The touch of a young boy.
She thinks not only of the life that never
Got the chance to live, but
She thinks of the life that must continue, a life missing one piece of the puzzle.
And with this, a mother loses
More than her child,
She loses her sanity.

I miss the feeling of being in love.
I miss being head over heels for someone.
I miss the feeling of excitement when I wake up in the morning
because I get to talk to that one special person.

I miss the nervousness of first dates and the happiness
that comes with getting to really know someone.

I miss looking at one person and wanting to give them everything that I have and everything that I am.

I want to find someone who not only makes me feel this way.
I want to find someone who I make feel the same way.
I want to be equally, totally, stupidly in love with someone who is
equally, totally, and stupidly in love with me too.

today you looked at me and greeted me with a smile and love in your eyes,
there was no doubt in the world that you loved me
today you sat and told me stories of your childhood, of lovers come and gone,
there was no doubt in the world that you loved me
today you showed me all of your baseball memorabilia and your old jerseys, a smile never left your lips
there was no doubt in the world that you loved me
today was different
today you looked at me, and it took a second for you to smile, your eyes looked a bit lost,
there was no doubt in the world that you loved me
today you couldn't remember the story you had told me the last time we met, your mind struggled to find the words that you wanted to say,
there was no doubt in the world that you loved me
today you asked me what my name was, you told me I looked beautiful, like the nurse who had walked in to say hello before me
the woman who came in before me was my mother,
there was no doubt in the world that you loved me
today you forget to eat again, you told my grandmother that you had eaten already
you hadn't eaten in three days
there was no doubt in the world that you loved me
today you closed your eyes for the last time,
your brain forgot how to breathe
but there was still no doubt in the world that you loved me

it was like you had disappeared within a matter of seconds.
messages ceased, accounts were unfollowed, and a friendship
had suddenly ended.
every plan we had ever made, ever promise we had ever kept,
it no longer seemed to matter.
we talked of the future, the past, the present
and those forbidden "what if's"
now i drive by your house on my way to work and i see your car parked out front
and i wonder
do you ever think about me the way i think about you?

I can't remember our conversations.
The more I try to remember what we talked about
all of those months the more I begin to remember
all of the silence between us.
I can't remember what our last kiss felt like.
All I can remember is that the day you last kissed me
it felt as if you were trying to tell me something,
you were sending me a message I wouldn't receive for days.
I can't remember fighting with you.
Ever.
And I think that has been the hardest part about letting you go.
I can't remember what it felt like loving you.
The actual emotional act of loving comes differently with different people,
and when it came to you, loving you was something I had never felt before.
And part of me is scared I will never feel it again.
I can't remember the conversation leading up to the moment you
told me you wanted to break up.

As we sat together on your couch, my legs sprawled across your lap, your arms wrapped around my waist rubbing small circles into my stomach,
I wondered if this is just a fleeting moment.
I wonder if we'll ever be in this same situation again.
It had all happened in a matter of days:
a simple talk, then holding hands under the table at the diner, and
that unexpected kiss as you took me home.
It all happened so quickly that I still feel as if I am sleepwalking.

But you know what? We both decide not to question the
uncertainty of it all.  
Because answering questions now would get in the way,
it could break the spell we have both been put under,
it will wake us both from a dream that has been
wished upon, a dream so painstakingly desired,
but never mentioned.
So we sit together and talk and laugh and smile
ridiculously big smiles and we enjoy each other’s company,
knowing well enough that after this day,
it only get’s more and more complicated.

when i first met you, i remember turning to my friend and saying
"that man is the love of my life"
of course i didn't mean it, i still had no idea who you were
a month or so had passed and one day, out of the blue
you messaged me.
my little 18 year old heart skipped a bit and i was ecstatic.
i remember the messaging back and forth,
getting to know you, you getting to know me
we had become close, exchanging memories and stories
building a friendship that would turn in to so much more.

now, seven months since we first met,
i spend most nights out of my week at your house,
in your bed, usually binge watching tv shows or
cramming for exams.
we spend our nights cuddled together under blankets,
talking about our day, our plans, sometimes not even talking at all.
i end my nights with your arms wrapped around me, your lips
pressed against mine,
now when i see you, i point to my friend and say
"that man really could be the love of my life"

I spend nights in a bed that isn't mine
with my arms wrapped around a boy who isn't mine either
but then again, he isn't anyone's
so I guess that's okay.

I spend nights waiting for him to call, text, message,
something.
I fall asleep with my phone next to my face just incase he finally
answers his freaking phone.

I spend nights alone in my own bed in an empty room,
thinking about whether or not you're sleeping alone too
Imaging what it felt like to roll over and see your face,
now all I see is darkness.

I remember the exact day I met you.
We were going to exchange books at the Starbucks down the street and
I was so extremely nervous to meet you.
I mean, of course I met you before, we introduced ourselves in that same Starbucks parking lot and we went our separate ways.
But today I was going to actually sit with you and talk to you and I thought I was going to throw up on my way there.
When I arrived I parked my car and sat in there for ten minutes, too anxious to go inside and sit there.
Finally I got the courage to get up and walk inside.
I ordered a tea and I sat at a table near the door and buried my head in my phone, I thought he hadn’t come.
When suddenly I hear someone call my name. I look up and there you were, sitting at a table near the window.
You were wearing a button up, your sleeve was slightly unfolded and you had warm tea on a hot day.
How odd.
I went over to him and I asked how long he had been there,
He told me twenty minutes.
I smiled, apologized, then took a seat.
Little did I know at that coffee shop we would fall in love, and break each other’s hearts.

Being with you was like bathing in sunlight,
it was something I used to enjoy doing.
You made my skin feel warm, my heart fill with happiness and I could see you even with my eyes closed.
Some days you would bless my skin with beautiful color,
I would be radiating with the aftermath of your rays for weeks,
months even.
While other days you would cast a burn on my skin so deep that I could hardly move, every step, every breath painful
Your heat was so excruciatingly intense, but I don’t blame you.
You were so beautiful I hardly knew I was on fire.

I'm not the type of person to let my mind wander
But with you
I let myself melt into your words
The voices inside my head grow silent
And I feel absolutely
everything

To the boys I have kissed

1- I remember kissing you like it was yesterday. We were watching a movie in a mostly empty theater and you held my hand like you were holding all your hopes and dreams. We exchanged nervous glances through the entire movie and finally we both looked at each other and time stopped. I placed my hand on your cheek and I leaned in, yes, ME. The girl. I made the first move. And that was that. Our first kiss. It would be the first of many over a two year period where we would fall in and out of love.

2- Our first kiss was outside of my house.m after a long day spent with my family. I walked you to your car and we talked while leaning up against your passenger side door. You were holding both of my hands, and I said something funny and you smiled. The next thing I knew you were leaning down (You were 6'4. Jesus.) and you brushed my hair out of my face, and you pressed your lips against mine. It was weird to say the least. You were my second kiss and I didn't know how to feel about it. Your lips were very soft and after a few seconds of kissing me, your tongue was in my mouth. It was our first kiss for Christ sakes. But with those same lips and that same tongue you would cheat on me. And thank GOD you cheated on me.

3- This time I was someone's first kiss, and to say it was memorable would be an understatement. We drove to the water tower so we could go take a walk. As we got in front of the tower, I stood on this little platform so I could see the sunset better, you stood next to me, holding my hand. And I turn my head towards you and you smiled and kissed my cheek. And you kissed my cheek and made your way to my lips where we experienced our first, and most awkward kiss. It was like my lips didn't fit right with his and I remembered he had never kissed anyone before. But I taught him how to kiss as time went on. He was so determined to be good at it. If only he was that determined when it came to loving me.

4- You were the best kiss. By far. No contest needed.
It was after talent show and we sat in your car and talked for hours about nothing and everything. You held my hand and we laughed and smiled, I felt like I was drunk-or high- or something, I don't know. At one point we were doing this thing where we would point at different things around us. And I pointed at something behind us and we looked with our faces inches apart, and as I turned to face you, you kissed me. You. Kissed. Me. My best friend in the whole wide world. The boy I had been thinking about non-stop for the past few weeks. You kissed me and I swooned in your arms. You cupped my cheek like it was something precious and I held onto your shirt for dear life. After we broke apart, our foreheads pressed together, we smiled ridiculous smiles. I never wanted to get out of that car.

5- I never should have kissed you, all you did was use me.
6- I never should have kissed you, you were just lonely.
7- I never should have kissed you, you were still in love with her.
8- I should never have kissed you, you just wanted the attention.

I kissed people that I regret kissing. Their hands were too rough and their lips were too forceful or too soft and I can't go back and undo any of it. But if there is anything I have learned from kissing all of these people is that I should only kiss boys who hold my hand first