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anastasia Oct 2023
I try to save them
but I only make it worse
drowning in the oil
that was meant to be a cure
I see them
disemboweled
and I can't help but feel
the smallest of lives
and you think I'm a fool
but I'm painfully aware
maybe my tears mean nothing
but to me
they mean the world
I wouldn't dare
to spare them on something that didn't matter
I wouldn't share them
with someone that didn't matter to me
anastasia Sep 2018
her skin is jaundiced, quite like the color of the sky before a storm
if you look at her long enough you can almost smell the rain on her skin.
her ribs are not unlike the rungs of a ladder.
once delicate fingers have been burned at the touch of acid and bones have been made brittle.
her nails are jagged, each impacted with crescent moons of soil.
the digging is ceaseless.
she is searching for something she will never find, something that beacons like a lighthouse on the horizon
a sign of safety but blinding when you try to take a closer look.
she slinks along the edge of an unremitting chasm,
dancing with the devil throughout the evening,
but the night draws on and she comes dangerously close to stepping on his toes.
her rhythm is wrong, the metronome is feeding her lies,
but she is greedy and devours them all.
the gnawing inside her returns.
to sleep she goes, under the spell of the guilt washing over her like the sweet, sticky air of the summer, as the gnawing inside takes over.
DD
anastasia Sep 8
DD
sitting behind this white dodge caravan.
between the rain and the burst of the red stop light in front of me,
a reminder of an unscheduled opthalmologist appointment,
I can't see a thing.
I wonder what the driver would think if I pulled my car in front of him,
swerving over from the turn lane,
and speeding through the intersection.
would they curse at the rainwater I sent splashing on to their car?
the liquid connecting with a crash so loud they might flinch.
and when they heard my engine rev,
six cylinders,
0-60 just like that,
would they think me a drunk?
a fool?
an impatient, reckless, mess of a driver?
and would they be wrong, regardless?
but tonight it feels like I've never been more sober,
aware in away that makes my skin itch.
maybe it's the weather, I might wonder, knowing it isn't.
and when the light finally turns green,
after what might've been an eternity or just a few seconds,
and they drive past the scene of the accident,
would they think
"she deserved it".
old!
anastasia Oct 2023
I am weak
and easy
so willing to step into something more comfortable
so I'll only show you my curves
because you wouldn't like the edges
or maybe you would
but it's not a risk that I'm willing to take
I try to be satisfied
try to be satiated
and yet the hunger still pangs deep inside me
unwilling to compromise
yearning for something that can't be summarized
anastasia Nov 2023
I could kiss your forehead
like you do to me
but I'd be confirming something
that isn't true
some kind of fallacy
an if:then statement
that seems simpler than it is
I keep myself at a distance that should be comfortable
close enough to touch you
but not close enough to mean anything
your fingers are stained by another
and mine are clean
manicured
pristine
but I cling to you
fingers tracing circles along your body
nails digging into your skin
and maybe you're tainting me
infecting me with your sickness
plagued by you
by something that exists without a cure
so I will have to endure
something I should be adept at by now
but you keep finding new ways to inflict pain on me
something with which I will have to make do
I want you to hate me
I think I need it
there's not another way I can see myself getting though this
hurt me and I'll hurt you
and I'll keep hurting you to the point of no return
anastasia Oct 2023
sleeping with the door open
hoping you'll come waltzing in
despite how last night I pushed you away
raised my voice and told you
how I didn't want you to touch me
but you asked "why?"
and I'm asking why that isn't enough
because my voice didn't falter
and it's the edge of my bed that I'm sleeping on
the bed that you waltzed into
where you raised your voice at me
called me a hypocrite
for something that you've done tenfold
so why do you have the right to hurt
when you so easily mock my pain
spit it back in my face
and you don't see it
I don't think you even try
you don't want to see it
even when you're watching me cry
I still want to see you
despite it
anastasia Sep 2020
I am from sleepless nights,

from Diet Coke,

and from endless stacks of books.

I am from the pine trees,

bare feet toughened by the forest floor,

and from the lingering smell of chlorine,

fingers shriveled like a candy wrapper lost in a back pocket.

I am from the bristles of a paintbrush

and from scattered eraser shavings,

for I make no mistake twice.

I am from ticket stubs, postcards, and Polaroids.

I am from the ancient scribblings of poets,

who are cherished friends.

I am from late night joyrides,

from spontaneous trips to Wawa,

and from the back of a pickup truck,

where the ride is smoother than you would imagine.

I am from scattered family

and from battles with unknown aggressors.

I am from movies at midnight,

rants about the universe and it’s hypocrisy,

and from monthly game nights,

where the house never wins.

I am from Tchaikovsky

and from classic rock at volumes too high.

I am from the earthworms in the backyard, the prancing deer in the forest,

and from the birds circling the night sky.
We had to do an "I Am From" poem for English class
anastasia Oct 2023
I'm looking for someone to replace you
because I miss you
even though I haven't really lost you
and I see you in every passing face
someone that I might be able to love
if I had the capacity
but it seems that I only know how to hurt
and I'm scared of feeling empty
so I claw and I cling
to something intangible
and for a moment I'm whole
for a moment I believe
and I could say I'm sorry a thousand times
and still be the one to leave
anastasia Sep 2023
he's sat at a table by himself
100 degrees with a hot coffee in hand
he's waiting for someone and we're not allowed to know who
mindlessly, he thumbs through the pages in the book beside him
there's something in there that I long to learn
he says that there's still hope for us, unlike himself,
but he doesn't know that I see myself in him
for all he knows, he could be waiting for me to slide into the empty chair across from him
because it's over 100 degrees
and there's a hot coffee in my hands
and it's bitter and it burns,
but I drink it like I need it to survive
anastasia Jan 2021
I want to love without the consequences
I want to be held without the heavy lifting that’s required
I think I read too many books, watched too many movies
My mind plagued with pretty scenes of romance and effortlessly witty exchanges
I do not dream of you; I only edit my preexisting script to fit you neatly into it
I wait for you in all the wrong places,
Wandering through the supermarket,
Looking for you in my rearview mirror,
Thinking that when our eyes meet, I’ll feel as though I finally have a purpose
I do not want to love, I only want to be saved
For someone to hold my hair back as I sit on the bathroom floor
To hold my hand as if we were made to be forever interlaced
To hold me together from collapsing in on myself, like a long-condemned cave that even the most adventurous had given up on
I love the idea of you, but I’m not so sure I could love the real thing
Always too close or too distant, too much energy and far too many expectations
I am messy. Rough around the edges. Sharp, venomous, and never quite sure about anything.
I am surrounded by a cloud of grey, made up of my morals and my desires – and what means I use to get them
I’ve proclaimed myself the tyrant of the lives around me
So I’ve decided it’s a burden to love and to be loved
And it is a Herculean feat to endure one without the other
I’ve decided that you deserve the world and I deserve to be trampled by it
Yet I still long for you to be trampled alongside me
anastasia Feb 2019
the words that once flowed off my tongue have all been dried,
leaving nothing but a cracked and barren wasteland,
desert termites squeeze themselves into places they’re not wanted,
the phantom figure of what was once alive cries for water in a broken voice that will never be heard,
even by the most intent of listeners.
the fruits of my labor are met with mud on my clothes and spit in my face.
at the night’s fall i bask in the eternal cold,
the air i abuse is extracted from my lungs with sleight of hand
and an unnervingly charming smile,
a cherry tree beckons me forward as it waves in the midnight wind,
the crickets fall silent and i am momentarily assuaged,
bathed in the yellow light of the moon.
time ebbs and time flows, bringing with her the judge, jury, and executioner.
like Saint Bartholomew, i am strewn up to be flayed,
from my pocket falls a needle and thread, a note from someone long ago left behind,
and a rotting apple core.
they belong to the Earth now,
and soon so will my precariously perched form,
my very essence pooling around the tree and staining the leaves pink.
at my decaying touch, maggots spawn.
as if trained, they surround my body,
a cocoon in which i metamorphosize into who i’ve always been.
in my chest, the vultures will nest,
feeling safer than i ever could have,
nothing left of the girl who once wove tales of grandeur and painted paradises in her mind,
but a torn canvas and an empty shell waiting for its puppeteer.
anastasia Sep 2023
so maybe I am alluring
something in my eyes or in my lips
but I think it doesn't matter
because this mouth tells lies
without a second thought
and there's deceit in the eyes
that you find so pretty
and I'll never see what you see
we're looking in the same mirror
but I only see you
it's a fun house and I'm in the circus
full of tricks
but devoid of anything worth watching
anastasia Feb 2019
she moved with a purpose, working with the wind, bending it to her whim
she was a chime swaying on the porch of a house long since left to rot
she resided in a girl, not made of bones, but constructed of sweet lies and overindulgence
like an arachnid, her spindly legs carried her to places she longed to be, but did not belong,
on false promises and a fleeting invitation, she infiltrated
fabrication laced with acid seeped into the soil
she rendered the ground infertile, she left it useless
a tornado of pestilence and plague, she left as soon as she had so brazenly introduced herself
yet the damage would remain like a brackish taste on the tongue
a painful reminder of who you could never possibly be
anastasia Sep 2021
when the sun rises
I can’t help wondering if you miss me,
if you remember the feel of my eyes lingering on you for a moment too long.
did it scare you? the way I took you in as if you were hanging in the Louvre,
how I followed the movement of your lips like I was at the ballet,
when I traced your path throughout the room like a hunter to her prey
all when I thought you wouldn’t notice.
could you hear the pounding in my chest, incessant and telling, as I fought the urge to tear my eyes from your ruthless gaze?
I withered under the bright light. it is in my nature to cower from intensity such as yours.
when day breaks, will you think about the quiver in my voice and tremble in my hands as we said goodbye?
I long for you to remember
but we are nocturnal friends, accessible to each other only after the night has fallen.
I am but one forgettable body in a sea of memorable ones
and in the morning sun I shift into someone unrecognizable,
the mystique and beauty bestowed upon me by the moon now revoked.
if you are to remember me, let it be when I was bathed in the moonlight
and not as I was when the sun began to rise.
anastasia Sep 2023
I think I'd drive off this bridge
if the walls weren't made of concrete
they are sturdy and unmoving
the opposite of mine
my neon sign flashes through the night
all hours
O-P-E-N
over and over and over again
I tear myself apart
I leave a Y shaped incision on my chest reaching down to my stomach
and I am waiting for someone to stich it closed
and I'm growing impatient
waiting and waiting and waiting still
anastasia Oct 2023
I asked if you were trying to make me hate you
and you replied "maybe"
it's funny because
I've been trying to make you feel something for me
maybe love or desire,
but mostly hate
I wish you could despise me
it would be easier
to throw the blame on me
a blanket not warmed by another body
heated instead by the ire that you held for me
but we're in limbo
and still you hold me
each of us wanting something that neither can give
please don't touch me
and I won't touch you
even if I want to
and we'll get over it
we will.
we will get over it.
I swear that I'll get over it.
anastasia Oct 2023
my cat has become rather partial to you
and so have I
white fur on black clothes
it's glaring
a part of me that you can't get rid of
you'll wear me on your sleeve
and wherever else
so I'll wear you down
like a mortar and pestle
grinding and churning
you'll try to hide me
my bits and pieces strewn about in your wake
treading through in your thick boots
picking parts of me up only when you want them
but I need them
I'm lost without them
my replacement parts
and the greediness with which you handle them
anastasia Jan 2023
Would it be easier to love me if I were a boy?
Would I be easier to love if I just lay there?
Not moving, still, unchanged.
There's nothing left for you here.
Tell me what you see when you look at me,
am I still yours, am I still pure?
I fear there's nothing left of me.
anastasia Sep 8
i watched something that made me think of you
though you would not like the comparison
i heard something that reminded me of you
a song you showed me
you don't write me anymore
and I don't want you to
but I almost wish you would
i used to catch the glint of your eyes at the edge of my open window
"I can still see you even though you try to hide" you used to taunt
maybe you watched something that reminded you of me
I hope it was flattering
though I'm sure it wasn't
when you look towards the unsettled sea
is there a glimpse of the blue in my eyes
my laugh in the endless call of the seagulls
my heartbeat in the footsteps along the boardwalk
in the irritation from the sand caught in your sandals
in the pungent stench of saltwater that permeates the skin
part of me hoping it's you that I haunt
anastasia Mar 2023
ive spent most of my life wishing i was dead,
but i always fasten my seatbelt when i drive
and the turbulence of the plane never fails to turn my knuckles white.
and i often wish that you had killed me
and maybe you still will.
see, i am starving and you don't notice,
the stars behind my eyes,
the creaking of my bones.
and i know that you're tired,
because i am too,
though you have been sleeping since i was born.
and when you lay me to rest,
i hope you finally get the sort of quiet you deserve.
anastasia Aug 2020
The scenery in the rearview mirror looks different than it did yesterday.
The air around you feels heavier,
like it’s saturated with the weight of some secret that only you don’t know about.
Those who you know so well have a new jaunt when they walk, a new pitch to their laugh, and a new sparkle in their eyes when they talk.
Your world has shifted so dramatically that you wonder how you can be the only one who noticed.
You look down at your hands, flex your fingers to prove that you’re still in control.
You look at your palms, which you’ve carved the slightest crescent moons into with your finger nails just to prove that you can still feel, to prove that you are still here.  
With every step you take a new pair of eyes is born, made only to brighten the searchlight pointed at you.
Sleep is impossible because you know the enemy is around the corner, always just around the corner.
The voices tease, they whisper the secrets of the universe just below the volume of what you can register.
They tease, a sort of cat and mouse, but one where the mouse is already dead.
They pull you along until you’re spending your nights racing down the highway with all the windows down,
or lying in a field in the freezing rain as the worms start coming out of the earth,
or with the TV turned up to the max as you stare into a bowl of soup that’s been cold for the past 5 hours.
Then they make it all normal again, make you forget that anything ever changed for a few months, just until you start to get comfortable.
anastasia Sep 8
he begs and he pleads
a boy who doesn't know what he wants
and if I want to be used
who am I to deprive an addict
what's a little money,
what's a little fix
to someone who is eager to give?
it's a cruel dichotomy,
the two of us dancing in different time
i do my best at the waltz
while you step in the past
not a symphony,
no harmony,
pure cacophony
***** shut up!!!
anastasia Sep 2023
I self-conciously fussed with my hair
hoping you wouldn't notice the state of it
and you just took my hand, readjusting the ring on my finger
I hadn't even realized that it was crooked
and I want to tell you that you look beautiful
but I know it would be unfair
and the city looks different when I forget you're in it
like the lights in the distance shine only for me, not us
I think I could drive on this road forever
gas light on, but I've never heeded a warning,
at least not one so glaring
an empty tank has never discouraged me
and I'll take my eyes off the road,
fix my hair in the rearview mirror,
still so worried about how you'll think of me,
still pretending I've never known fear
anastasia Oct 2023
there are parts of you
on my bedside table
crumpled napkins
a negative test
I'm just a place
a comfort
a space
because it's easier
and it's safe
I'm filling the hole of someone you already know
you're filling the hole of something that I don't have the definition for

— The End —