You with the sad eyes,
isn't that a song?
It flitted fast across your face, the pain
you hide from everyone
and especially from
me.
Guarding me from it
shielding me, you stand in front of me,
block my
vision
it is too terrible,
won't let me see the
damage.
Uncover my eyes please -
let me look.
Does it hurt when I press here?
Right here,
over your heart?
You're only going to stare on straight ahead,
No,
Please,
I'm quite alright.
And walk on by, quickly now, flash a smile, then hold her tight
Maybe she won't ask questions.
But she wants to.

Running, run after you and I'll probably
trip over my own feet
trying to keep up with you because you move
so quick, snap your fingers and
everything changes.
Caught you.
Reaching out to grab your hand
to make you turn and face me, grasp your face with both my hands
Look at me.
Angry eyes now, so cold, fire would be better,
I touched you once and you pulled away, now I'm
petrified in place.
Pure hot anger is better, you feel
something that way
like love maybe, you feel
love
and you feel
alive.
Cold anger, frozen anger is the worst
kind, the kind you
can't talk about, the kind you
can't feel, nothing can touch you
nothing can make you warm.
Let me touch you, touch you again
I'm warm from trying so **** hard.
I could make you feel okay again,
good again,
wonderful maybe, if you would let me?
No,
Stop,
Stop trying to do that
Words like ice and I'm stuck in this spot I can't even dodge
the frozen shards, sinking into, tearing
my skin, my
eyes freeze wide open, as the
tears turn to icy trails on my cheeks.
Don't touch her, don't go too close with the
ice cold fury because you might
freeze her
but you've done it anyways when you wouldn't tell her,
when you turned
away
so touch her,
touch me.

In the midst of this frigid cold comes your
breath, warm on my cheeks.
Whisper, whisper.  
With the sweetest tongue, the softest mouth and
you love me.
Again and again you love me.  
I love you.  
I love you.
The tune fits so flawlessly, slips
from your tongue to mine
and back again,
again please?  Kiss me, harder
longer,
slower every time, show me
please, how you love me,
need me.  
Sing to me, play
for me, sing the song of how
you love me.
I'll beg if I have to,
please God please.

What do they call it?
Love, I mean.
A rollercoaster
well that is much too slow
the incline not steep enough
the falls not hard enough
but I suppose it will do for a metaphor.
You don't like heights but if you hold my
hand, maybe we could stay up here
a while?  No chance
we drop and hit the ground
then we're tossed back up
skywards, flailing for one another
for a hand for a heartbeat.
With a roller coaster at least you know,
you're never going to hit the ground.  
Please wait until the train has come to a complete
stop before exiting the ride
but I don't want to leave
don't want to let go
I can't, I won't
Promise, okay?
Because I would rather hit the ground in your
arms on this ride
than be anywhere else
I'm safest with you.
I guess it's not so much like a roller coaster after all
but I like what I've written there
so I'm letting you read it.

I never wanted to make anyone
smile, as much as I want to make you.
Your smile, sometimes rare,
occasionally common
is the most wonderful thing
I can think of.
So smile please?
Laugh for me, when you're not
happy I hurt, I want to
curl my body so tight around yours, wrap you up
inside of me
until you stop hurting, and then I'll feel
alright again.
I'll **** it out through your nose, through your mouth,
take the sadness right out of your lungs, see
how I made that sound poetic, when
it's only an inside joke?
Smile please?  
There you go.  
It's not so hard, is it?  Just
do what I do, follow me.
Your smile is so
enchanting
infectious
perfect.  
How could I not
smile
when you are happy?  Because all I ever
want, all that I
need, is for you to
smile.  
And not a fake smile, not so forced -
try again,
a real, genuine smile because you are
happy
to be alive, to be
with me, to be
the most wonderful person in my life, to be
the only one that can make me
smile, really
smile.

And I see that smile,
surfacing from behind that glare that is
'just your face' (it's not your face)
and when it happens, when it
splits open, and you look so happy (that is your face)
I smile and I want to be
close to you,
closer.
Let me touch you, run my
fingers over your
face, and through your
hair and down your body let me
touch you,
touch me?
Touch my face, with your
fingers, with your
lips, tell me how you cannot let me
go
because you need me like I need
you, I can't stay
away from you, can't keep my hands off of
you, sink my fingers hard into the
soft skin of your back because I won't let you
leave, I could not live if you
left.
If you let go of me I will never
make it, not
alone, not without you,
you cannot let go.
Hold me, close to you
next to your heart and never
let me move from there, it is where
I am happiest.

You made me do it, your hand,
it covered mine, bound it in iron,
directed it, carved the words,
not literally or directly
but through the ******* mind games
and the way you looked at me
the way you pretended not to give a ****
when I know you loved me
(love me).
You stared me down
and screamed the words
without even moving your lips
I might have missed it
if I had looked away, I wish I had.  
Mind games, ******* mind games.
You put the words into my head
you engraved them there,
dragged my hand across the page
and the awful ugly hateful
self destructive words spilled out all over, contaminating it.
Accusatory, true.
False, true.

I only want to slip, silently into the crook of your arm,
slip into unconsciousness, love me
silence me, don't let me speak
or shout or fight with you.
I only want to be submissive, show you
I can be your passive
quiet, small, yet lustful mistress.

I only want to pass a peaceful night,
will you cover my mouth and stop the breathing,
the beating, the anger?
I only want to breathe your name
into your deafened ears, unresponsive
to tears and words of war but open
to the sounds of lust the way I open for your body.

Iron chains rub my skin raw,
Keeping me safe.
From what? Help;
Pulling me down,
Keeping me down.

Teach me to bleed,
Rich, thick, red.
Scarlet for lust,
Scarlet for love.
Scarlet for the pain,
For the burns left by your fingers,
So indirectly, free from blame.

I can be better,
I can bleed better.

Open me,
Enter me.
I can bleed better.

Push me down,
Gag me.
I can bleed better.

Hurt me,
I am begging - help, wait;
Give me more,
Give me everything.
Teach me to bleed for you.
Wait, stop;
No more.
Force me down,
Smother me.  
Please,
Teach me to bleed for you.
*No more.

A translucent film draped over deteriorating, decaying bone,
A fine sheet of white barely covering the twisted mass of vein.
A shaking hand, straining to grasp the railing,
A trembling jaw her only betrayal of fear and anticipation.

Half a century ago, she traded adventure for his hand in hers,
The price of the ring was to bury her dreams.
Fear of flight and fear of change,
Meant they never left that sad, small town.

Chained to that house with all its familiar charm,
Wrapped in his arms she forgot her desires.
When she awoke on tear-sodden cotton pillow sheets,
She told him she had nightmares - they were impossible dreams.

Every year on the last day of classes,
She told her students to follow their hearts.
She never told them she was a hypocrite,  
Just watched, as they wrote their aspirations on a lined paper sheet.

She never went away, she held him till the end,
He was the one who left her first, slipped away so quietly.
Lips on her forehead, hand on her heart,
Whispering I love you's until his voice broke, and he was gone.

One year and one month passed, and on their wedding date,
She boarded a plane with the ticket he left her.
His heavy ring upon her finger,
His message held in her fragile hands:

I'm sorry that I kept you here, but I'm a selfish man,
The world could have needed you, but darling, so did I.
I was afraid of flying, but I'm in heaven now,
So I'll come with you around the world, I'll never leave your side.

I sit, legs crossed, hands at my side,
Breathing, staring at the sky.
A tear escapes, rolls down my cheek,
They wipe it away, tears are weak.
They paint a smile on my face,
Hurry, fast, it’s all a race.
Final touches, fix my hair,
Knife and fork, it’s time to share.

They hoist me up, upon the plate,
Spread my arms and spread my legs.
Carry me up above their heads,
And place me next to the butters and breads.
The men devour me with their eyes,
I scream, my body can tell no lies.
And as I scream, my voice - it shouts,
My private thoughts, my fears, my doubts.

They gag me, tie me up in wire,
Throw me, throw me in the fire.
And as my clothing, and my skin,
Are peeled away, I see; they win.

I watch them feast from high above,
It was never me, it is the meat they love.
They toss my bones to the dogs below,
And prepare themselves for the second show.

I am searching desperately in every dark and filthy corner,
I cannot see her anywhere.
Wading dutifully, waist deep in salty ravines,
But she is not there and I cannot understand where she has gone or why she has left.
I turn slowly from the window, then spin back around,
Racing myself, I almost catch her then.

Outside, she has abandoned this place,
Of secrets and tears,
Of all-revealing looking glasses,
Of imperfect, distorted reflections.
No one is allowed to look at her because everything fell apart,
So quickly, so completely.
She is broken, seven years of bad luck.
She dropped it, the glass,
Because truth and reality and ugliness were all she could see,
And horrified, she dropped it.
Shattered into pieces, one, two, three…
Too many pieces,
Impossible.

The glass, and everything else fell,
Left her collapsed on the floor with nothing to do.
It hurts, effort hurts, trying to make the glass whole again,
But the glass cuts your fingers and you drop it, again.
There are so many missing pieces,
She disappears.

Now finally I find it, that misleading looking glass.
Somehow it is not clouded from our tears,
And somehow it is still light enough to see,
And I see her, finally.

Blue eyes on blue, water on water.
Fingertips touch delicately.
The same, yet different.
She is lost, and I have lost her.
(Or maybe she has left)
Both broken, neither of us are whole.
One empty, with nothing left to fill this void.
The other so fragile, so alone, so easily shattered,
With no protection in this ugly world.

Together, we could be something.
But she is lost and I have lost her,
And there is nowhere in this world for half of a broken person.