You looked at me

With this soft smile,

These eyes

That seemed to grasp me.

And it hurts.

I couldn’t see the reflection

Or the reality

Of what you seem to perceive

All I could see was a rerun

Of their conceptions of me

Of every rough grab at my body

Of every cold tongue that slides between my lips

Of every *******

That I asked for

But felt solely like a violation…

I pull this smile across my face and look at you

I know you

This you

Every you

And it hurts.

I can’t see this girl

Or woman

You see

Who looks so beautiful

And is so interesting that

You are intoxicated.

I can only see the fear.

My fear of being touched

By someone I care for

Only being able to pray it is for real

Because betrayal by you would push

Too deep

Because they have gone

Too deep

And I can only feel their breath

And sloppy kisses

And hard genitals

Pressed against me

Until the meaning is gone

All it has become is a warm body part

That wants to be in me

*** on me

Walk out the door and leave me.

I look at you

And you look at me

I speak choked

Chuckle covered words

And you just smile

Why are you smiling…

And you kiss my forehead

This same forehead

That has been pressed against the bed

While I am taken from behind

Back arched in burden

Head down by a hand

Whose hand it doesn’t matter

They are all the same

Just coarse fingertips

Fingerprints that I try to wash off in the shower

But all I get is another layer of my skin

Hoping

That maybe I am not bruised underneath

But I know I am.

Your arm is around me

This protecting bar

That holds me close

To a warm body that doesn’t merely want to **** me.

I look at your chest

It rises and falls

Fabric pulling

So real

And I place my hand against your chest

And I feel your heart

And I see your smile

And it hurts

To feel so safe.

As the hour drew nearer for me to know
I kept having flashes of past deeds
Long moments of memories
of repressions resurfacing with resolve
to extradite any hopeful forgetting on my part.
It will be negative, my mind whispers.
It always has been...

we are on the bed
a tangle of limbs
exposed to the air
never covered
raw           confusion
deep regret
a wall of protection
holes butchering it filled
quick with sarcasm

My mind is stuck in mundane tasks
Pushing any thoughts of the past into boxes
Shut, ridiculed, made insignificant.
Days pass, I work my body until it can
only think "keep moving"
I count. I breathe in.
One.
Two.               Out.
                      One.
                      Two.
That's all I can allow
I stop among the trees
Further then I have ever run before.
The first few moments are pure reveal
at having pushed myself so far.

i am still artificial
not all there
laughing in awe at the awkwardness
the odd situation i don't recognize
knowing this is the definition of nothing
because i have nothing to give
except for a laugh to know part of me
is in this
he is kissing me, tired of the wait
the talk i was enjoying
i mask it with "my wants"
this ******* concept that has become
a crippling facade
it is just a physical dance
changing positions like steps
we dance the bed
i'm cold and i want it over
laughing escapes from my lips
i say i am still high, i'm not laughing at him
but i know it is a lie
i am laughing at myself
for being such a fool
for being this new me
a degree lower for being higher

The cold temperature of the class hardens
my ******* under my shirt.
I cross my arms wanting them to be
soft again.
This unwilling reaction to outside factors
angers me.
I don't have any control anymore.

this is what i have become
a spectacle so easily raised
wondering why
i am a prisoner to these things
i want them more then i want me

But that's not even true!
I crave me, what I could be.
There's no use in wanting what I used to be.
She's dead, piled under the rocks of years gone by.
A mental service for the lost
"Dear God..."

i plead that name
soft whispers in the night
trying to hold on to the childlike faith
but why is he silent
am i no longer worthy of his grace
when i breathed the holy vapor
did it not the right syllables make
"dear god..."

That name pushes me to come undone
**** God and his crucified son
and the contradictory messages
sent "from above"
Where is he now in this
great game of Hide and Seek
Where daily a child dies of unspeakable acts
A mother is forced to care with no help
And I am left drowning in my own blood
wondering if I still possess the ability
to even give a ****

i walk among the trees
my secrets falling like an acidic rain
eating the soil
but i keep the pain a secret
always hidden beneath
strength, sarcasm, and a smile
my mind watching the sunset
while my mouth speaks of the coming noon

A friend once told me she wished she could
be like me
Not caring about what I've done
But in all honesty
I wish I could be like the biblical god
A self righteous *******
who hides behind a flawless facade of love.

Maybe I should have seen it

The betrayal.
There must have been a hint in your smile
Or the way you stroked my hair
As if you were used to another girl’s
Strands between your fingers.
And the way your words said you cared
Oh so much
I think love was the word used.
Yet there were so many empty silences.
So many aching moments wondering
What I had said wrong,
If I had hurt your fragile
Feelings.
Questions fill my mind
Are there even feelings there?
Behind those glassy teeth,
That don’t seem to notice
The acid that seeps from them
Into my mind
Becoming these flower
And fields
With a sunlight that warms a once cold heart
Until you.
But the night falls
When you are supposed to be there
With me.
A stench,
Decaying body worthy,
Begins to fester in my nostrils
And I call you
Silence.
Again
Silence.
My best friend
Boyfriend
Must be busy
With a ****** father
Or a brother who needs distraction
Silence.
I spray your words
That you whispered to me
Over the qualms.
Like some form of an emotional Febreze.
The smell grows though
And I am not the only one to smell it.
So does she.

We slowly pry open the door
With nails at first
Towards the other
Until realization.
The corps is exposed
Prostrate
Eyes gouged out
A nose gnawed by your own personal
****
The arms are wrapped around the legs
In fetal position
Protecting itself from what
Started the decay in the first place
What strikes me the most
Is the mouth
It is askew
Turned in
The lips ripped and ******
Teeth sharpened by the
Machete tongue.
Water fills your inner cave
Tears from our collective three
All for one rotting piece of flesh.
I can’t feel a pulse anymore
Not within me
Or you.
My stomach is churning
A cliché that impacts more than just syllables
Cold chills fill my body
As I see the tears are truly for me.
And she.
And for a trust that was nonexistent
Because it was never mutual.
You were never real
The three years of bonds being built
Was all a dream.
With you there is no reality because
Within you there is no mass of muscle
Pumping the oxygen to your withering brain.

There is only your flickering tongue.

They say that they wish they were as
D
E
E
P

But knowledge is a heavy
Burden that I sometimes
Wish I did not keep…

I dream of peace, of calm
Thoughtless thoughts…..

Of sweet contradictions
That do not hurt me so…

A mere contradiction
Itself hurts more than
Just the weight of
The words…

It hurts the mind with
The blatant lie…

It hurts the heart with
The hard edges…

It hurts the soul with
Its nettled truth…

Contradictions are
Their own truth
And the truth hurts
Because common truth
Is a lie…

So am I deep or am i
Just floating on
The top of
A sea
Of
Lies we claim
As truths?

We only have the neverland food
Where our bellies are full as long as we believe
But once we lose the faith
We are left emaciated
And frail
No muscle left upon our brittle bones
Only the cold truth of what always
Laid beneath
Now a stark reality
Where there used to be our dreams

There is only our bellies of thought
A deep cavern
Restless bats vibrate their throat
Echoes off the unknown form
Directions.
Thoughts.
Are cold expanses where no light reach
Fires of desire
And hope
give momentary warmth
but the shadows flicker
against your eyes
giving way to all the hidden
questions
wants
needs

these shapes that slither over the cold stone
forcing you to look around
to think about
all that might be surrounding you

You look at me,
Eyes teary
Hands clenched
And you say the three
Words that I hate hearing
Your voice, that I crave,
Utters these cursed syllables
A snake
My name falls like a hiss.
Sarah, you say
Pause
Time
Space
Fill the void
That is the six inches
Apart we lay
Air rushes
Hands find my skin
Cool
Clammy
A smile slides across your face
The gust of breath forms the words

I love you

With that I disengage