Friends and family come together
There is strength in numbers and we are strong
I am a rock for my sister and mother to lean on
I miss you

I talk to people
They say it isn’t good to keep things bottled up
Let the tears flow into the cold night with arms wrapped around me
And I miss you

Schoolwork has to get done
Somehow I remember chemistry and history in the midst of chaos
I solve equations and analyze poetry
Still I miss you

Back to the normal busy schedule
Waking up before the sun to prepare for a tough day
Walk down the hallway to my locker
Oh how I miss you

Playing cello for the musical
Shoulders aching, but harmonizing well
I finally pack up my instrument for the day
Realize I miss you

Go over a friend’s house
I can’t help but smile at the surprise party my friends have put together
I turn into a five year old again playing on floors of lava and inhaling helium
But I miss you

Tuck myself into bed at night
I hope that tomorrow will be a good day and pray for sweet dreams
I slowly drift off to sleep with tears rolling down my cheeks
I will always miss you

Wake up in the morning

Discover a bruise under my collarbone
Over my heart
The result of a shove away from you
Out of your space

Walking upstairs reveals sore thighs
Thinking they must be from your leg between mine
When I tried to catch my balance by holding on to you
But I fell anyway

Come across black and blue knees in the shower
From struggling on the floor
And bumping into things
Clumsy as I try to navigate around you

Find scratches across my fingers while I write
Blood beading on my dry skin
Battle wounds from combat
Requiring cleaning and healing

Go to sleep at night
Happy with the physical injuries
That hurt so much less than the ones in my heart

You’re special, but not much more than most.
You just happened to be in the right place at the right time.
I poured my heart out to you and leaned on your strong shoulders,
Even while you took advantage of my pain and asked for things you shouldn’t have.
We go through a cycle of me leaving you,
Going through withdrawal and finding other people to be my pillars.
But then you come in with kind words and gestures and I melt all over again,
Crumbling into your embrace.
My heart seems to constantly be full of pain to the point of overflowing,
But I always manage to widen it and make room for you.
Love is a tricky emotion and is as finicky as water,
Changing phases under different pressure and temperatures.
And yet I can honestly say that I have and do love you,
With your rough exterior and warm words that heat me up from the inside out.
Just like everything else in the world, there is an equal and opposite reaction to this love.
A hate that burns so hot that it can evaporate my stomach and dissolve me into tears.
I could easily be described as a responsible, intelligent, levelheaded girl,
The one all the parents used to hope would rub off on their children like fairy dust.
But this Tinkerbell turns into Dumbo when you show affection,
And misplaces her brain in the depths of her passion.
I offer myself up to you time and time again like a painstakingly prepared meal,
But you devour me, and spit me back out to move onto another feast.
Your words, which have kept me sane, can drive me to insanity.
I spend days, weeks, months analyzing the phrase, “I’m actually looking for a girlfriend now”.
I’d love to know what your qualifications for a girlfriend are because I must have met them once.
Has the bar been raised, do you think, “been there done that”, or are there just better options?
We always reconnect when gravity shifts and my world comes crashing down on me,
But I can’t help but feel it’s unhealthy for both of us if I rely on you excessively.
I don’t want to become the next girl who puts you into a depressed funk,
Ruining memories of a holiday for you along with any chance of a relationship.
But how do you expect me to act when the attention from you that I crave
Is only rewarded when I’m spiraling out of control, or just downward?
How upset do I need to be for you to give me a smile, comforting words, a hug?
How hopeless do I need to be for you to understand that I’m barely holding myself together?
And why do my thoughts and feet carry me to you whenever I find myself back in a dark place?
I mean you’re special, but not much more than most.
I guess you just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Spring.
Tulips bloom and our crape myrtle grows,
Along with our hope
For a more promising year

Summer.
Seizures rock our world.
Emanating like earthquakes
From the fault lines of her brain

Autumn.
Leaves shrivel and drop
Just like she does when she loses her balance,
And falls to the ground.

Winter.
Cold winds and dark thoughts give me dry skin.
A red rash that is a physical embodiment of the irritation
Seething beneath my pale complexion.